Can I back out of being a bridesmaid?

Jackibrazil
Jackibrazil Posts: 124 Member
in Chit-Chat
My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?
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Replies

  • Jackibrazil
    Jackibrazil Posts: 124 Member
    Helltoupee7 wrote: »
    I didn’t even read that and I say yes. Back out now. Brides are the worst.

    Source: me

    Read it. I'm in shock honestly.
  • rileysowner
    rileysowner Posts: 8,313 Member
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    As I guy I hesitate to respond, but seeing the $600 for a destination wedding, I would say backing out is completely reasonable, especially since it was not a destination wedding in the first place. I would never expect a groomsman to pay to go to a destination wedding. If we had gone that route, the cost for them would have been on me.
  • Jackibrazil
    Jackibrazil Posts: 124 Member
    lstrat115 wrote: »
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    _barefoot_ wrote: »
    I think you are over youre head trying to do both pick one .
    The first one should be you're pick .
    As for having to pay money ... yeah that kind of comes with the deal .

    Yes, money comes with it, but when you change plans from a local wedding where the expectations are paying for your dress and shoes and contributing to showers and the bachelorette to a destination wedding and paying for a resort and taking several days off work it's not really what "comes with the deal." The date and venue were previously set when she asked us.

    Back out now. Don't feel bad. Just do it immediately so you can both move on. It is very inconsiderate of her to do that and expect everyone to be okay with it.

    I think the hard part is everyone else is on board and excited.
  • sw33tp3a1
    sw33tp3a1 Posts: 5,065 Member
    Of course you can back out. If she's a good friend she'll understand that this will affect you financially. More than likely she'll be upset but will get over it.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    A destination wedding?

    Like to Garden Grove or Seal Beach ?
  • Jackibrazil
    Jackibrazil Posts: 124 Member
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    A destination wedding?

    Like to Garden Grove or Seal Beach ?

    Like to the Dominican republic. I don't think three miles down the road is destination...
  • Jackibrazil
    Jackibrazil Posts: 124 Member
    _barefoot_ wrote: »
    Did she already buy you a plane ticket ?

    Nope. She started throwing these plans out today
  • TonyB0588
    TonyB0588 Posts: 9,520 Member
    @Jackibrazil I think it's perfectly reasonable to back out due to financial considerations, BUT the fact that you'll be attending another friend's wedding could look like you're choosing one friend over against the other. This is really awkward and the kind of stuff that women get upset about. You'll have to be aware of how your friend thinks as you make your final decision.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    A destination wedding?

    Like to Garden Grove or Seal Beach ?

    Like to the Dominican republic. I don't think three miles down the road is destination...

    Dominican Republic? Yeah, all things being equal, I'd rather stay in SoCal too.

    However, I would consider Garden Grove a destination wedding, albeit a convenient & nearby destination; I suppose 'destination' is a relative term.

    My wife and I were married in Palos Verdes. That was destination enough.


  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    _barefoot_ wrote: »
    Did she already buy you a plane ticket ?

    Nope. She started throwing these plans out today


    Oh, okay.... then your'e good on this.

    Today? No worries. Just let her know as soon as you can, like tomorrow.

    Preface it with: "I feel terrible about this........"

  • kakaovanilya
    kakaovanilya Posts: 647 Member
    I'm going to Canada from Turkey for a close friend's wedding. I actually don't want to go because of the 10 hour flight, I was just going to ship her wedding gift but I couldn't say no when she insisted because she knows that I am free at the time of the wedding and that I can afford the plane ticket etc. So if you can't really afford it and if she knows it, it is okay to back out but if you are very close and could actually pay for it, you should go.
  • kakaovanilya
    kakaovanilya Posts: 647 Member
    _barefoot_ wrote: »
    kakaovanilya wrote: »
    I'm going to Canada from Turkey for a close friend's wedding. I actually don't want to go because of the 10 hour flight, I was just going to ship her wedding gift but I couldn't say no when she insisted because she knows that I am free at the time of the wedding and that I can afford the plane ticket etc. So if you can't really afford it and if she knows it, it is okay to back out but if you are very close and could actually pay for it, you should go.

    I'll be more then happy to take care of you're dog when you are away ... :D

    You wouldn't say that if you knew her. She has a habit of stealing and destroying stuff if you don't share your food or pet her anytime she wants :D
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Tell your friend that you regret that you can no longer be in her wedding party with the change in plans. Tell her that you have other obligations during that time and can not afford the additional time and cost of a destination wedding. That is the risk she takes with changing plans.

    I think it is ridiculous to expect a bridesmaid to pay for anything other than their dress.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Tell your friend that you regret that you can no longer be in her wedding party with the change in plans. Tell her that you have other obligations during that time and can not afford the additional time and cost of a destination wedding. That is the risk she takes with changing plans.

    I think it is ridiculous to expect a bridesmaid to pay for anything other than their dress.

    Even the dress, if the bride insists on a specific one... nope, I'm not paying for it.

    But again, I wouldn't expect my friends to spend any money for MY wedding. It's ridiculous. I don't really see what wedding #2 has to do with it, but if you don't want to spend the money, just say that you didn't agree to that and say no.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    edited December 2017
    Don't mention your other friend to her, this should not look like choosing one friend over the other.

    Expenses should have been discussed on the front end, since she has changed plans you are perfectly reasonable to explain that you cannot afford the added expenses and have to drop out. If she then offers to pay your expenses, you should go.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,423 Member
    Francl27 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Tell your friend that you regret that you can no longer be in her wedding party with the change in plans. Tell her that you have other obligations during that time and can not afford the additional time and cost of a destination wedding. That is the risk she takes with changing plans.

    I think it is ridiculous to expect a bridesmaid to pay for anything other than their dress.

    Even the dress, if the bride insists on a specific one... nope, I'm not paying for it.

    But again, I wouldn't expect my friends to spend any money for MY wedding. It's ridiculous. I don't really see what wedding #2 has to do with it, but if you don't want to spend the money, just say that you didn't agree to that and say no.

    I understood wedding #1 to now be in conflict with the OP obligation to wedding #2 because the date has been changed and is now lasting more than a day. When you change the date and venue of your wedding you risk people having other commitments in their lives that might keep them from participating. I don't think OP has to say I'm in another wedding so I can't be in yours just say there is a commitment. It could be wedding #2 or work or an anything.

    I've been in exactly one wedding party. The bride chose a dress pattern, fabric and her fabulous mother sewed it. I bought my own shoes which had to be dyed to match the dress exactly. I was poor but would have been willing to buy a dress to stand up with my friend. I could not have afforded to get a dress, shoes, chip in for multiple parties, travel to a resort, hotel costs, missing work, missing other events. I would have bowed out if I couldn't meet those expectations financially or without resentment.

    For my wedding we did not have any attendants because I think it is a stupid tradition. We didn't expect anyone else to pay for our wedding or throw us a party.
  • PAFC84
    PAFC84 Posts: 1,871 Member
    edited December 2017
    I think that you're well within your right to change your mind BUT you need to notify her asap. It wasn't the original plan and from the sounds of it you can't afford it or it would put a strain on your finances. Even if it wouldn't, you're still entitled to change your mind.

    I would say that some people do take this as a perceived slight and therefore very personally. It could effect your friendship. But that is their call. You have to do what is best for you.

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