Can I back out of being a bridesmaid?

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2

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  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
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    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Tell your friend that you regret that you can no longer be in her wedding party with the change in plans. Tell her that you have other obligations during that time and can not afford the additional time and cost of a destination wedding. That is the risk she takes with changing plans.

    I think it is ridiculous to expect a bridesmaid to pay for anything other than their dress.

    Even the dress, if the bride insists on a specific one... nope, I'm not paying for it.

    But again, I wouldn't expect my friends to spend any money for MY wedding. It's ridiculous. I don't really see what wedding #2 has to do with it, but if you don't want to spend the money, just say that you didn't agree to that and say no.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    edited December 2017
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    Don't mention your other friend to her, this should not look like choosing one friend over the other.

    Expenses should have been discussed on the front end, since she has changed plans you are perfectly reasonable to explain that you cannot afford the added expenses and have to drop out. If she then offers to pay your expenses, you should go.
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    Francl27 wrote: »
    Lounmoun wrote: »
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Tell your friend that you regret that you can no longer be in her wedding party with the change in plans. Tell her that you have other obligations during that time and can not afford the additional time and cost of a destination wedding. That is the risk she takes with changing plans.

    I think it is ridiculous to expect a bridesmaid to pay for anything other than their dress.

    Even the dress, if the bride insists on a specific one... nope, I'm not paying for it.

    But again, I wouldn't expect my friends to spend any money for MY wedding. It's ridiculous. I don't really see what wedding #2 has to do with it, but if you don't want to spend the money, just say that you didn't agree to that and say no.

    I understood wedding #1 to now be in conflict with the OP obligation to wedding #2 because the date has been changed and is now lasting more than a day. When you change the date and venue of your wedding you risk people having other commitments in their lives that might keep them from participating. I don't think OP has to say I'm in another wedding so I can't be in yours just say there is a commitment. It could be wedding #2 or work or an anything.

    I've been in exactly one wedding party. The bride chose a dress pattern, fabric and her fabulous mother sewed it. I bought my own shoes which had to be dyed to match the dress exactly. I was poor but would have been willing to buy a dress to stand up with my friend. I could not have afforded to get a dress, shoes, chip in for multiple parties, travel to a resort, hotel costs, missing work, missing other events. I would have bowed out if I couldn't meet those expectations financially or without resentment.

    For my wedding we did not have any attendants because I think it is a stupid tradition. We didn't expect anyone else to pay for our wedding or throw us a party.
  • PAFC84
    PAFC84 Posts: 1,871 Member
    edited December 2017
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    I think that you're well within your right to change your mind BUT you need to notify her asap. It wasn't the original plan and from the sounds of it you can't afford it or it would put a strain on your finances. Even if it wouldn't, you're still entitled to change your mind.

    I would say that some people do take this as a perceived slight and therefore very personally. It could effect your friendship. But that is their call. You have to do what is best for you.
  • _pi3_
    _pi3_ Posts: 2,311 Member
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    kimny72 wrote: »
    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Yes, as soon as she changed the details so much, it becomes your right to change your answer as far as I'm concerned. Just tell her the truth - the combination of the extra money and a previous engagement near her new date is just too much for you to work around.

    Completely agreed
  • dsboohead
    dsboohead Posts: 1,900 Member
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    How have weddings gotten so ridiculous? Not everyone involved can afford such an expense!
  • LozzaaxG
    LozzaaxG Posts: 12 Member
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    What did you do??

    Intrigued to know... im also a bridesmaid twice in space of 8 days in september! One wedding is abroad the other local!
  • elizarizo
    elizarizo Posts: 489 Member
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    Yes don’t be a *kitten* and just say I don’t wanna be in your wedding
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    How important is this person's friendship to you? More than $600?

    If you stay involved you will be out $600 or more.

    If you back out, you will be $600 richer and 1 friend poorer.
  • JadeQuetzal
    JadeQuetzal Posts: 95 Member
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    Personally, I'd back out. Any semi decent person would understand that extreme event location changes and date changes would mean that some guests have to cancel. But whatever you decide, let your friend know asap so they have a fair amount of time to fill the spot if needed.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    Jackibrazil wrote: »
    My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was so happy and said yes. She had a date and a venue. My other good friend asked me to be maid of honor and her wedding is 5 weeks after. Perfect right? Wrong. First friend wants to not only change her date to dangerously close to friend number two, but the wedding evolved to a destination wedding and now I'm expected to come up with $600 to pay for my hotel stay for TWO NIGHTS at this resort. She's buying the plane tickets, but I wasn't expecting to have to do this in addition to buying my dress, contributing to showers and bachelorette parties and such. What do you guys think?

    Yes back out.
  • eccomi_qui
    eccomi_qui Posts: 1,831 Member
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    It’s called pulling out and your success rate may vary
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
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    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    How important is this person's friendship to you? More than $600?

    If you stay involved you will be out $600 or more.

    If you back out, you will be $600 richer and 1 friend poorer.

    Well I would hope the friend would be understanding so not 1 friend poorer.
  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
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    _barefoot_ wrote: »
    I think you are over youre head trying to do both pick one .
    The first one should be you're pick .
    As for having to pay money ... yeah that kind of comes with the deal .

    Not if it's costing $600 more.
    I would tell her the truth, I was not expecting this would cost so much. I do not have the money for all that the wedding will entail.
    Whatever you do, DO NOT go into debt for this wedding. It is not worth it.
    $600 may not seem a lot to some people, but when it comes to repay, it is a whole lot of money.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
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    dbanks80 wrote: »
    TheRoadDog wrote: »
    How important is this person's friendship to you? More than $600?

    If you stay involved you will be out $600 or more.

    If you back out, you will be $600 richer and 1 friend poorer.

    Well I would hope the friend would be understanding so not 1 friend poorer.

    Don't count on it. This is what she conceives to be the most important day of her life. The world centers on her for one day.
  • Caporegiem
    Caporegiem Posts: 4,297 Member
    edited January 2018
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    OP hasn't been on since last month. Think it's safe to say that she took everyone's advice, tried to back out of being a bridesmaid, and her friend killed her in a fit of rage. Good going everyone, you caused another murder.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    Caporegiem wrote: »
    OP hasn't been on since last month. Think it's safe to say that she took everyone's advice, tried to back out of being a bridesmaid, and her friend killed her in a fit of rage. Good going everyone, you caused another murder.

    Ok.... but what if she is just a slow reader. :smiley:
  • Caporegiem
    Caporegiem Posts: 4,297 Member
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    cee134 wrote: »
    Caporegiem wrote: »
    OP hasn't been on since last month. Think it's safe to say that she took everyone's advice, tried to back out of being a bridesmaid, and her friend killed her in a fit of rage. Good going everyone, you caused another murder.

    Ok.... but what if she is just a slow reader. :smiley:

    Wouldn't it have showed her as active by now if she was still slowly reading through all of the responses?
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    Caporegiem wrote: »
    cee134 wrote: »
    Caporegiem wrote: »
    OP hasn't been on since last month. Think it's safe to say that she took everyone's advice, tried to back out of being a bridesmaid, and her friend killed her in a fit of rage. Good going everyone, you caused another murder.

    Ok.... but what if she is just a slow reader. :smiley:

    Wouldn't it have showed her as active by now if she was still slowly reading through all of the responses?

    Technically you don't have to sign in to read the forums. Maybe she's embarrassed. I hope she's ok. Now I'm worried.

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