Dating struggles...frustrated and sad.
So, I've been overweight for the past 5 years or so, but single for almost a year now (my boyfriend actually passed away suddenly in March of 2017). In November, I decided that enough was enough and it was time to make my health and well being a priority. I started working out at least 3 times a week (heavy lifting, a bit of cardio and recently yoga at home on my off days) and counting calories, being more conscious of what I'm eating and how much. I'm loving this new lifestyle and I can tell there's been a huge shift in my thinking...I'll never go back to my old way of life, I know this. That being said, when I started in November I was 228lbs... I'm now 213, so still very overweight, but figured it was time to get back out into the dating world. I get quite a bit of attention on tinder, Bumble, etc and have gone out on numerous dates over the past few months. We always have a very nice time, the dates always last at least a couple of hours and they always end with the guy saying "I had fun, we should do this again". The only issue? I never hear from them again, unless I contact them first. Usually there's a bit of back and forth convo, maybe a few pics sent and received... but no talk of a second date. I never end up seeing them again. I've met probably 10-12 guys, 2 of them I wasn't interested in, the rest I definitely would have gone out with again if it was an option...but it wasn't. Needless to say, I feel really depressed over this and can't help but feel like I'm "too overweight" to date. I'm 31 and not getting any younger, and still have hopes and dreams of getting married and having children one day... but that's not gonna happen if things keep going like they have been. It's not like I'm only meeting a certain type of guy, either... I've met guys 10 years older, a few years younger, fit, overweight, full head of hair, bald, kids, no kids.... doesn't matter. None of them like me. 
I feel like giving up completely until I'm at my goal weight...
I feel like giving up completely until I'm at my goal weight... 19
Replies
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Maybe more time could be good. Enjoy going out with the one date guys or just wait a year where you are making changes in your life.
Maybe try a different way of meeting people instead of a dating for right now. Like join a club/organization, take a class, go to a convention about something that interests you, volunteer somewhere.
Are there some things you have wanted to do? Maybe take the time to pursue one of those things.5 -
It sucks, but those guys just weren't right for you. I know plenty of women who are fit and skinny and still have terrible luck with dating, so it's not about weight.7
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It's not you, it's them. Trust me.
I've had the same issue, or they wait months then come back and want a second chance. Online dating is a total shitshow. There's so many options that people seem to think there will always be someone better out there, instead of trying with the awesome person in front of them.8 -
I have been single for 7 years and yes it is sad, the dating world is definitely not what it used to be! Online seems to give not only men but women a false sense of expectations that are not seemed to be met in person. I did not try dating for 2 1/2 years after my divorce just worked on myself and finding me again. In these past 4 1/2 years of putting myself out there it has been emotionally draining to say the least.
On my profiles I have actually had to put the following; I am not a cougar looking to play out your fantasy's nor am I looking for a much older sugar daddy, I am not bi looking to be a couples playmate, I am not a sub looking for her dom, I will not marry you just to help raise your 7 children, I am not the occasional hook up as you are passing through town nor am I looking for Fu** buddies!! I have been through the ringer so needless to say dates have been few and far in between for me but if you don't keep putting yourself out there are you prepared to spend the rest of your days not knowing?
I hate it I do, do they like me? Do I like them? Am I to picky? Should I settle? (HELL NO NEVER AGAIN) Am I to big? (Who the hell cares) You need to love yourself for who you are before you can expect someone to love and care for you. To all those boys who don't call back or want that second date as much as it might hurt.. Good Riddance you don't want someone in your life that doesn't want to be there.
I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone and as frustrating as it is to wait and wait and wait and wait it is a necessary evil I suppose. I am a single mom full time that works to provide a life for us and have little time to go out searching as to why I am on these sites as well. Who knows maybe one day I will have my Hallmark moment and bump into someone but for the time being I have to sift through all the frogs until I find my prince!! Good Luck to you hun and never settle no matter how much you may miss having that someone in your life, you are better than that never forget that!!!13 -
I agree with km8907. I am widowed as well and have not had much luck in that department either. You however are still young and beautiful. Give yourself time and continue the path you're on for a healthier you. I know MANY fit and skinny women who have horrible relationships, or just can't find one. It's definitely not about the weight. I was on some dating sites for years, and what I've found is that women outnumber men 10 to 1, at least. So I think it's not about them not liking you - it's about they have 9 other women to date too. One thing I learned when I was 31 after 3 failed engagements - the right guy came along when I least expected it and we were married within 4 months. Everyone kept staring at my stomach hahaha. But I wasn't pregnant - we just didn't want to wait. I got pregnant at 32 and had my first child at 33 and my second at 36. Sadly, he passed in an auto accident when I was 37 and he was 33. But I still consider myself blessed. Believe me - you're still young. Relax and walk the path you are meant to walk, and you'll be fine. "Trust the process" lol.5
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Avocado_AS5 wrote: »It's not you, it's them. Trust me.
I've had the same issue, or they wait months then come back and want a second chance. Online dating is a total shitshow. There's so many options that people seem to think there will always be someone better out there, instead of trying with the awesome person in front of them.
Unfortunately, they consider this settling!
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I agree with above posters. And, I am very sorry for your loss. I can relate to a lot of what you said, as I've been single and online dating for about four years (off and on). I wish I had some good advice for you but the right one will come along. Keep up the great work.1
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Avocado_AS5 wrote: »It's not you, it's them. Trust me.
I've had the same issue, or they wait months then come back and want a second chance. Online dating is a total shitshow. There's so many options that people seem to think there will always be someone better out there, instead of trying with the awesome person in front of them.
As hard as it is to believe, this chick has totally nailed it. It really isn't you. Online dating is hard. People are ALWAYS searching for the next best thing. Even if they like you, I feel like people think there MAY just be something better out there, so they keep up this extensive and exhaustive search until they wind up alone. I probably went on over 50 dates. Most of them did not end in a second date. One ended in a 2 month long relationship, over a year and a half ago. I've FINALLY just met a new guy (on Tinder) and he's really great.
Just my two cents here... Keep going with your WL journey. I found it so much easier to stick to plan when I wasn't dating. Focus on you, not finding a man. Once your happy the man will find you.
My sincerest wishes for luck and love.
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Avocado_AS5 wrote: »...There's so many options that people seem to think there will always be someone better out there...
...or something, etc. That is all about continual marketing and visual input that people subject themselves to. People go into debt, cheat in relationships or use terms like "settle", end up with all kinds of crap they don't really need and call it necessities, and so on.
People and dating is pretty simple. There are always opportunities with all kinds of people, but the timing of making sure both people are actually ready to fully commit is the tough part. Then ignoring the hype and socializing that you need something different and that it would be better.
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Wow. I just want to say thank you to everyone for the really nice responses and words of encouragement...I wasn't expecting that, but really needed it! I guess I'll just keep on keepin on...
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Focus on the positive: you went on 12 dates in 3 months. Some people can't even get one. Your parents and grandparents probably dated 1-3 different people. But you're playing the field... because it's a new era.... because you can, dammit. Think about it, how awesome are you that people are putting forth the effort to eat and drink in your company at a rate of every weekend for an entire year? You gotta look at it like that for now.... otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy.6
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You’re lucky. I get 0 dates with 0 people I’m interested in. At least the numbers mean your odds are good.4
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lavinia_whateley_goals wrote: »i got no advice OP, but you are really pretty in that all-american-girl kinda way that tons of guys like, so u got that goin for u
Aw, well thanks! 1 -
missyj1115 wrote: »I have been single for 7 years and yes it is sad, the dating world is definitely not what it used to be! Online seems to give not only men but women a false sense of expectations that are not seemed to be met in person. I did not try dating for 2 1/2 years after my divorce just worked on myself and finding me again. In these past 4 1/2 years of putting myself out there it has been emotionally draining to say the least.
On my profiles I have actually had to put the following; I am not a cougar looking to play out your fantasy's nor am I looking for a much older sugar daddy, I am not bi looking to be a couples playmate, I am not a sub looking for her dom, I will not marry you just to help raise your 7 children, I am not the occasional hook up as you are passing through town nor am I looking for Fu** buddies!! I have been through the ringer so needless to say dates have been few and far in between for me but if you don't keep putting yourself out there are you prepared to spend the rest of your days not knowing?
I hate it I do, do they like me? Do I like them? Am I to picky? Should I settle? (HELL NO NEVER AGAIN) Am I to big? (Who the hell cares) You need to love yourself for who you are before you can expect someone to love and care for you. To all those boys who don't call back or want that second date as much as it might hurt.. Good Riddance you don't want someone in your life that doesn't want to be there.
I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone and as frustrating as it is to wait and wait and wait and wait it is a necessary evil I suppose. I am a single mom full time that works to provide a life for us and have little time to go out searching as to why I am on these sites as well. Who knows maybe one day I will have my Hallmark moment and bump into someone but for the time being I have to sift through all the frogs until I find my prince!! Good Luck to you hun and never settle no matter how much you may miss having that someone in your life, you are better than that never forget that!!!
This sums up online dating at least for ladies in a certain bracket
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To give you a different perspective on this I know alot of guys who use tinder and other online dating apps and at least 7 out of 10 have no interest in a serious relationship. They enjoy the endless dating buffet. If they get a vibe from you that you want something more than a casual hook up thats the end of it. Or they pursue you till they get what they want and then thats the end of it. If i can offer some friendly advice. Just dont date right now. And it has ZERO to do with your weight and hitting your goal weight but everything to do with anything that is making someone as attractive and sexy as you feel unwanted is just a serious negative energy you can do without. Just take time to focus on you. Figure out your goals and your desires for the future. Learn to love yourself enough that if some guy doesnt want a second date with you instead of letting it effect your self worth you almost pity him because he doesnt know what awesomeness he is missing.16
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^^^^ good advice2
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Renegade770 wrote: »To give you a different perspective on this I know alot of guys who use tinder and other online dating apps and at least 7 out of 10 have no interest in a serious relationship. They enjoy the endless dating buffet. If they get a vibe from you that you want something more than a casual hook up thats the end of it. Or they pursue you till they get what they want and then thats the end of it. If i can offer some friendly advice. Just dont date right now. And it has ZERO to do with your weight and hitting your goal weight but everything to do with anything that is making someone as attractive and sexy as you feel unwanted is just a serious negative energy you can do without. Just take time to focus on you. Figure out your goals and your desires for the future. Learn to love yourself enough that if some guy doesnt want a second date with you instead of letting it effect your self worth you almost pity him because he doesnt know what awesomeness he is missing.
Thank you so much for this...I feel 10x better! Even though I'm almost in tears after reading it...they're happy, inspired tears
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Dudes suck6
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Ahhh I really want to read this but there are no paragraphs. I'm too tired.3
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Renegade770 wrote: »To give you a different perspective on this I know alot of guys who use tinder and other online dating apps and at least 7 out of 10 have no interest in a serious relationship. They enjoy the endless dating buffet. If they get a vibe from you that you want something more than a casual hook up thats the end of it. Or they pursue you till they get what they want and then thats the end of it. If i can offer some friendly advice. Just dont date right now. And it has ZERO to do with your weight and hitting your goal weight but everything to do with anything that is making someone as attractive and sexy as you feel unwanted is just a serious negative energy you can do without. Just take time to focus on you. Figure out your goals and your desires for the future. Learn to love yourself enough that if some guy doesnt want a second date with you instead of letting it effect your self worth you almost pity him because he doesnt know what awesomeness he is missing.
Thank you so much for this...I feel 10x better! Even though I'm almost in tears after reading it...they're happy, inspired tears
Aww Im glad it helped It sounds like you have been through alot in the last year. Just take a deep breath and celebrate all your becoming. When the time is right you will meet the guy who makes you thank God the others didnt get that second date. Until then enjoy life anyway ! 2 -
Guuurl, I'm so sorry for your loss! But for real, it has nothing to do with your weight. Its luck. I would suggest plenty of fish over tinder because I've heard tinder is more of a hook up site. I've had good luck on Plenty of Fish, but holy you gotta be choosy. People are pretty gross for the most part, so its just about trying to find the not gross one. Like searching for a bar of soap in a pile of poo... If anything looking hotter increases your chances of finding a horn-dog not a keeper.
Also listen to that guy Renegade770, he gives good advice.
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Guuurl, I'm so sorry for your loss! But for real, it has nothing to do with your weight. Its luck. I would suggest plenty of fish over tinder because I've heard tinder is more of a hook up site. I've had good luck on Plenty of Fish, but holy you gotta be choosy. People are pretty gross for the most part, so its just about trying to find the not gross one. Like searching for a bar of soap in a pile of poo... If anything looking hotter increases your chances of finding a horn-dog not a keeper.
Also listen to that guy Renegade770, he gives good advice.
I second the POF suggestion. I met my best friend on there 3 years ago, and I've had better success with it than Tinder. I'm still on friendly terms with a few great guys even though the dating part wasn't meant to be.1 -
Very sorry for your loss, and congratulations on taking the steps to improve your health @caiteh86
As to dating, there's a number of reasons why. Most of which it sounds like has been covered. It sucks that a lot of people don't follow through with enjoying time spent with somone, and they tend to ghost them. Could be solely because they only want to date, they're only looking for easy hookups, or perhaps they just don't have the courage to tell someone they aren't interested.
From a guy's perspective, I've not had much luck with apps such as Tinder, PoF, etc. Or, even Match (my account is active, I just removed profile due to no responses/messages. Waiting for it to expire now). But, I'm also extremely busy and don't leave much time for dating due to involvements in activities, work, schooling, etc. So, I really don't even have time to fret over not having dates. Happily single is how I view it.
If you'd like, there is a "Singles Hangout" thread that is fairly active: http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10213897/the-singles-hangout#latest
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