What do I do?
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Okay, so at the gym I go to there is an older gentleman (maybe late 50s). It started out friendly with him just saying “hi” and I politely responding back. Well for awhile I had been working out at the same time as he (just by coincidence) but ended up having to switch my gym time because of my schedule. 2ish months later I did the later evening workouts again and BOOM he’s there and he comes up to me (mid workout) and begins telling me how he hasn’t seen me in awhile and all that jazz. He begins talking to me more (this is taking place over about a 2-3 week span) and then he sees me practicing volleyball and asks to join me. I, not wanting to be rude, say sure; now he constantly does it with me. And now how he talks to me is shifting. He makes uncomfortable comments about me and sometimes other woman (like saying “I wouldn’t mind having that” ) For example I was on the elliptical and he decides to use the one next to me of all the other ones. I at one point made a comment of not being able to feel my legs and he goes “well can I?” Or one time I said that I have to go shower he said “Do you want some help? You never know what might happen” Basically he will take something I say and turn it ‘dirty’. And I found out yesterday that the lady at the desk will tell him when I come to the gym. Like on Wednesday I went at 1ish (normal time is 3ish or 4ish) and when I passed him on Thursday he made a remark about me avoiding him and how I came early. And he said the desk lady told him. It just all seems so odd. Am I overreacting? I honestly don’t know what to do. He knows that I’m 18, so he’s not ignorant in thinking that I’m older than what I am. I can give more examples but I don’t want this post to be forever. Lol. Thank in advance for any advice. 
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Replies
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It doesn’t sound like you’re overreacting. It sounds like you have a pervy pseudo stalker. You should be blunt and honest with this creep. “Yes I’ve been avoiding you because you’ve taken advantage of an 18 year old trying to be polite to an old man who turned out to be a total creep. I’m going to have to ask you to leave me alone from now on and just pretend I’m not even here. Don’t even look in my direction. I’m going to speak to the manager now about your behavior as well as his employee who seems to have been spying on me for you. If you continue to bother me, the police will be getting involved.”13
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Definitely not overreacting. Find another gym asap. Or file a complaint with the gym, ask for the manager and state that you’re being harassed. If he approaches you can always say something like ‘I’m busy and don’t have time’ and walk away. That should get the message across clearly. Or you could *loudly* say ‘Not interested!’
You do not owe it to be polite in this situation. If none of that works, file a police report.8 -
Very stalkerish and creepy. He is not going to stop behaving this way with you, its time to something and being rude is the last thing you need to worry about. It's most definitely past time to say something to the desk clerk and get the manager involved too about them giving out your gym time to anyone, I am quite disturbed by this part of your story just as much as the creepy man.7
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Not only does he sound creepy, but he might not be a safe person. His behavior sounds like it’s worsening.3
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I would tell the oweners of your gym to talk to him. You need to find another gym3
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“I am very uncomfortable with what you just said”
Walk away.
If he follows you walk straight up to someone working there or any other person, and say I’m feeling stalked.3 -
I have to disagree with those who advised you to find another gym. Maybe if the situation escalates and you worry about your safety. Otherwise, he's the one who needs to leave.8
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I doubt the lady at the desk told him your regular times, he wanting to look in control is making you feel uncomfortable and saying someone else told him, he has been watching and looking. Just tell him to leave you alone. You do not owe a stranger anything. If someone is being creepy I move away and do not say anything. Tell the staff there that something is not right and ask if anyone did give your regular times out to some random...do not leave the gym, he needs to know he is out of order as we say here in the UK.
He is being inappropriate and you need to let him know it!2 -
Let the gym management know and request them to say something to the guy.
Start ignoring him. Keep your ear buds. If he comes to an elliptical next to you and there are multiple others available I’d move.
If he still insists on speaking I’d simply say, “please leave me alone.” If the incidents continue after notifying management I’d continue to report it.13 -
He’s grooming you.
I shared office space with a guy like this. You described him to a T. I always struggled with him not getting my hints because I HATE to be mean. He was using that to his advantage.
Establish boundaries. Don’t change gyms. Don’t try to educate him on what’s acceptable and what isn’t at this point. Just tell him the next time you see him, firmly and looking squarely in the eye, that he has crossed the line with you and not to speak with you. Don’t be mad. Just be clear. If he begs for explanations or gets pitiful or tries to diminish how he makes you feel like you’ve arrogantly misinterpreted his intentions, put your hand up and say “We are not friends. We are acquaintances. Leave me alone.” He will probably act like a kicked dog. That isn’t your fault. It is not your responsibility to avoid hurting his feelings.
I’m telling you, you must be clear without giving him too much explanation. End this awkward nightmare, this is the only way to start unfortunately. You can’t nice your way out of this thing. Nobody else can do it for you. Trust me
Good luck.25 -
caco_ethes wrote: »He’s grooming you.
I shared office space with a guy like this. You described him to a T. I always struggled with him not getting my hints because I HATE to be mean. He was using that to his advantage.
Establish boundaries. Don’t change gyms. Don’t try to educate him on what’s acceptable and what isn’t at this point. Just tell him the next time you see him, firmly and looking squarely in the eye, that he has crossed the line with you and not to speak with you. Don’t be mad. Just be clear. If he begs for explanations or gets pitiful or tries to diminish how he makes you feel like you’ve arrogantly misinterpreted his intentions, put your hand up and say “We are not friends. We are acquaintances. Leave me alone.” He will probably act like a kicked dog. That isn’t your fault. It is not your responsibility to avoid hurting his feelings.
I’m telling you, you must be clear without giving him too much explanation. End this awkward nightmare, this is the only way to start unfortunately. You can’t nice your way out of this thing. Trust me
Good luck.
great post2 -
Please talk to the gym management. You should not be the one to leave. Also, if any employee is sharing information about you, they should at the very least be reprimanded, worse if it is something they continue to do for any client.5
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kinetixtrainer2 wrote: »Let the gym management know and request them to say something to the guy.
Start ignoring him. Keep your ear buds. If he comes to an elliptical next to you and there are multiple others available I’d move.
If he still insists on speaking I’d simply say, “please leave me alone.” If the incidents continue after notifying management I’d continue to report it.
Solid advice.
I am 41 years old and I'd still feel scared and creeped out by this older guy bugging me. Much less if I were 18 or 20s. Oh my goodness. Honey no!!
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huntersvonnegut wrote: »I have to disagree with those who advised you to find another gym. Maybe if the situation escalates and you worry about your safety. Otherwise, he's the one who needs to leave.
In a perfect world, she should not have to switch gyms, I agree with you. But sometimes, even if the police are notified, that guy might still be around. He might even get a power trip once reported, it’s impossible to know what his reaction to being reported will be. Safety first, I think.2 -
I think you've gotten some good advice. However, if gym management isn't responsive and you aren't able to get a friend/parent to go in to the gym occasionally with you, I would consider going to another gym.2
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Tell him to leave you alone. You do not need to be polite. Do not talk to him anymore. This is not an innocent person making a mistake.
Tell people he is behaving inappropriately and harrasing you. Gym staff, your family, friend, police, etc. Get some help.
Change gyms if that is what you need to do to feel safe and comfortable.2 -
I disagree with anyone who says that you shouldn't have to quit the gym. I'm not against feminism, however, you can never be too cautious. Men are physically stronger than women and that's just way it is. If you feel uncomfortable around this guy, QUIT THE GYM! Your gut feeling is always right, follow it. Any guy in his 50's coming on to an 18 year old woman has to be unstable. That is scary as heck. But also let the management know about him and hopefully they will do something. If you were my daughter, I would insist you never go to that gym again! Please be careful. Your safety comes first and if that means leaving the gym then by all means never go there again. And it doesn't mean that you gave in or gave up anything. There are other gyms and many ways to get an excellent workout without even going to a gym. Again, please be careful and follow your gut instinct.7
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seltzermint555 wrote: »kinetixtrainer2 wrote: »Let the gym management know and request them to say something to the guy.
Start ignoring him. Keep your ear buds. If he comes to an elliptical next to you and there are multiple others available I’d move.
If he still insists on speaking I’d simply say, “please leave me alone.” If the incidents continue after notifying management I’d continue to report it.
Solid advice.
I am 41 years old and I'd still feel scared and creeped out by this older guy bugging me. Much less if I were 18 or 20s. Oh my goodness. Honey no!!
I’m sorry I’ll stop1
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