What do I do?
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huntersvonnegut wrote: »betty_veronica4 wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »Just start talking to him about crossfit or your vegan diet.
That should be enough to scare any sane person away.
Or keto.
Or how you had your dog neutered 'cause he kept trying to hump things that didn't want to be humped.
Okay these are making me laugh.
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I am right there with you in your frustration. However, I still believe that the majority of people are good. Even during these times we're living in. I refuse to give up faith in that.
don't you dare "not all men" me.
if you're a man that doesn't suck, you know that isn't directed at you.
Every woman I know has gone through something like this, if not worse. So until that changes, men suck.
I guess I had a difficult time understanding how such a sweeping statement directed toward a select few would benefit the OP in dealing with her situation.
Generalized statements such as has been made are problematic. What would be the thought if the same was said about women, or special interest groups? There's be hell to pay. Stupid eff'n double standards.
Best to just avoid generalizations in the first place.0 -
This guy is trouble. Report him to management and keep your distance. That is not normal behavior between an 50 year old man and an 18 year old woman. Make it clear to management you feel threatened by this guy. If he does not stop tell your dad or boyfriend or someone that can protect you. Or if necessary call the police. He has bad intentions. Be wary. Your instincts are correct.3
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Let me ask this-I’m going to be leaving in about a month to go back to the mainland (I live in Hawaii) and won’t be returning because of college. He knows this (yes I regret telling him. Don’t judge) because when I had said something about leaving one day he asked what I meant, I told him. (This was before he even started regularly doing volleyball with me so not weirdness at that point) Should I just ignore it until I leave? Seeing as it’s not much time left?
And with being short and blunt in telling him to go away, it’s not that I don’t want to...but with me being silent when he has made those comments for the past couple weeks, I think he thinks I’m okay with. And I know that that is my fault, I should’ve said something, but it’s usually not my kind of personality. And then on top of that, he’s talked about how he gets angry/has anger problems. He said once about how was angry when a girl turned him down and how he was so angry he could’ve done something. (That convo was the first to send up red flags everywhere!) So I’m concerned about his response to me telling him to “back off” or “leave me alone”.
No, do not ignore it and continue on at the gym. If it is only a month and you don't want to deal with it then working out at home is better than going and saying nothing.
It doesn't matter that you did not say "your comments make me uncomfortable." the first time. Say it now... loudly. It is never too late to say stop it or leave me alone. Doesn't matter if it is someone your age or older. It is fine not to protect his feelings. Your feelings and safety are more important here.
There is no way he does not know he is being inappropriate to an 18 year old girl. He is grooming you and escalating how far he pushes the boundaries. He told you that little story about his anger when getting turned down so you'd be afraid to say something.
https://defendinnocence.org/2016/03/09/6-perpetrator-grooming-patterns-every-parent-needs-to-know/
https://www.healthista.com/how-to-spot-a-sexual-predator-characteristics/
As a mother of a girl your age I would not be mad at you. I would be mad at him and want to help you. If you don't want to tell your parents get help from management at the gym, a friend, a neighbor, anyone.
Do not worry about anyone else's feelings.
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Sounds like you've tried to be kind, that doesn't work for either of you (your goal?)
So,
You: "you make me uncomfortable. I'd like to be left alone." That's all you need to say.
If all else fails yell loudly in his face fck off. No joke. He'll think you're a scary weirdo and will probably leave you alone. Think of it as a cat poofing out its fur to show size.
some even do a sideways prance during. That's optional. 2 -
Alright. I’m going to try to tell him to leave me alone. So thank you all for your advice on this matter. I really appreciate it!12
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Let us know what happens and let management know of the big mouthed front desk giving your info.
If I was your Mom...I would love to go with you and take care of this Nut!1 -
Change your times every day so you are not predictable. Get some pepper spray or a key chain siren. Park in a well lit area close to building and do not go wondering around outside w/o scoping the parking lot!
Do not look for this fool in the gym just be in your own world working out and walk past him if needed with no eye contact!2 -
Alright. I’m going to try to tell him to leave me alone. So thank you all for your advice on this matter. I really appreciate it!
I read through this whole thread, and really glad you’ve decided on this! He sounds like a total creep. If he gives you any more trouble after telling him blatantly to leave you alone, definitely go to the gym management (and maybe even do this no matter the outcome - management should be aware they have such a creepy patron making other patrons so uncomfortable).
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Change your times every day so you are not predictable. Get some pepper spray or a key chain siren. Park in a well lit area close to building and do not go wondering around outside w/o scoping the parking lot!
Do not look for this fool in the gym just be in your own world working out and walk past him if needed with no eye contact!
Yeah, I already do kinda go at different times. But most of the time I'm there at 4ish, whether it be I just started, leaving, or mid-workout. I actually walk to the gym, it's right behind where I live. So I have to walk behind the building to get to the entrance so I'm already aware of my surroundings, even when I don't feel creeped out by a person lol. And I do walk by him and make try to make no contact, I'll try to look busy or while I'm walking past the area he is in, act like I'm in the middle of something, but he will come up and say something most of the time. The gym I go to is closed on the weekends, so tomorrow I'm going to attempt to tell him what people have stated above. Nervous already
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craygslyst1 wrote: »I hope I’m not too late into this topic.
Nah, you good. Still overthinking this matter so
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I have read all the comments and I could not feel stronger about how I would handle this situation. NEVER walk alone again to or from this gym- for the remaining time you are there. It is not fair but, I wouldn't return to the gym. His words and actions are that of someone dangerous and predatory.-- Not the inappropriate comments but, the implied threat of how he doesn't respond well to rejection. Being a strong and right woman is one thing, having someone hurt you or worse can change your life forever regardless of ANY reaction/response that you give him.2
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gearfreegains wrote: »caco_ethes wrote: »He’s grooming you.
I shared office space with a guy like this. You described him to a T. I always struggled with him not getting my hints because I HATE to be mean. He was using that to his advantage.
Establish boundaries. Don’t change gyms. Don’t try to educate him on what’s acceptable and what isn’t at this point. Just tell him the next time you see him, firmly and looking squarely in the eye, that he has crossed the line with you and not to speak with you. Don’t be mad. Just be clear. If he begs for explanations or gets pitiful or tries to diminish how he makes you feel like you’ve arrogantly misinterpreted his intentions, put your hand up and say “We are not friends. We are acquaintances. Leave me alone.” He will probably act like a kicked dog. That isn’t your fault. It is not your responsibility to avoid hurting his feelings.
I’m telling you, you must be clear without giving him too much explanation. End this awkward nightmare, this is the only way to start unfortunately. You can’t nice your way out of this thing. Nobody else can do it for you. Trust me
Good luck.
This. This here answer from caco_ethes. Switching gyms might not help seeing as to how he already followed you to a different one.
Do you happen to have some big brothers (by big I don’t mean older I mean hulk sized dudes) you can ask to talk to this stalker?
I haven't switched gyms. Not sure where you read that lol. But it's the same gym for the past 2-3ish months now.
And no, I only have one brother (he isn't that big either lol) and he is at college and my dad is traveling for work until May.0 -
He wasn’t there today. So tomorrow I will try again. Maybe he has an account on here and read it. That would make this so much easier.2
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kinetixtrainer2 wrote: »
No-wasn’t entirely prepared to talk to them yet. I wasn’t even fully prepared to tell the guy. So, I’m still working up the courage to tell. Sorry, I’m trying.
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kinetixtrainer2 wrote: »
No-wasn’t entirely prepared to talk to them yet. I wasn’t even fully prepared to tell the guy. So, I’m still working up the courage to tell. Sorry, I’m trying.
Don’t apologize I was simply asking because I was thinking maybe they said something to him and that’s why he hasn’t been there.0 -
kinetixtrainer2 wrote: »kinetixtrainer2 wrote: »
No-wasn’t entirely prepared to talk to them yet. I wasn’t even fully prepared to tell the guy. So, I’m still working up the courage to tell. Sorry, I’m trying.
Don’t apologize I was simply asking because I was thinking maybe they said something to him and that’s why he hasn’t been there.
Ohh...my bad. No, the gym is closed on weekends so he would have no clue. Element of surprise for him lol.
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Kick him in the junk repeatedly while yelling stranger danger5
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*waits impatiently for any update*0
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Oh...my bad. So he was there on Tuesday and I told him that he made me feel uncomfortable and that the comments he made were inappropriate and that he needed to leave me alone. I didn’t apologize once (was proud of that, though I did stutter a little.) His response..um..not the greatest. He was visibly ticked at what I had to say. He just walked away and did his workout. He kept staring (more of glaring imo) at me while I finished the rest of my workout, which I actually ended up cutting short due to feeling super uncomfortable.( had a little breakdown in the locker room. ) He hasn’t spoken to me and he’s been there when I am but he just watches. Idk if it’s just me overthinking things but when I move to a different machine he moves to another one also, and it so happens to have a clear view of where I’m at. Idk, I just have to do this for 6 days.
I’ve realized...I need a venting buddy..lol >.<3 -
I spoke to the one of the staff members, who it turns out was the one who told him when I was there, and she had no idea that anything was wrong. She thought that he was a family member. She apologized profusely and seemed genuine. She said that she would let her manager know to watch him. She no longer tells him where I am (though it’s only been 2 days). So I feel really confident with how things went between her and I but not with HIM and I. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯3
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Oh...my bad. So he was there on Tuesday and I told him that he made me feel uncomfortable and that the comments he made were inappropriate and that he needed to leave me alone. I didn’t apologize once (was proud of that, though I did stutter a little.) His response..um..not the greatest. He was visibly ticked at what I had to say. He just walked away and did his workout. He kept staring (more of glaring imo) at me while I finished the rest of my workout, which I actually ended up cutting short due to feeling super uncomfortable.( had a little breakdown in the locker room. ) He hasn’t spoken to me and he’s been there when I am but he just watches. Idk if it’s just me overthinking things but when I move to a different machine he moves to another one also, and it so happens to have a clear view of where I’m at. Idk, I just have to do this for 6 days.
I’ve realized...I need a venting buddy..lol >.<
Get yourself some protection for those 6 days. Just you describing this is creeping me out.
I'm glad things went well with the staff member tho! 0 -
Yeah...I’m trying to go at a different time but my schedule really isn’t having it. Rme0
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^^Very stalkerish and creepy. He is not going to stop behaving this way with you, its time to something and being rude is the last thing you need to worry about. It's most definitely past time to say something to the desk clerk and get the manager involved too about them giving out your gym time to anyone, I am quite disturbed by this part of your story just as much as the creepy man.
this
and if it persists, I strongly recommend you report him to your local police dept. Keep a log of the interactions, comments, behavior for the file.
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sportychic87 wrote: »huntersvonnegut wrote: »I have to disagree with those who advised you to find another gym. Maybe if the situation escalates and you worry about your safety. Otherwise, he's the one who needs to leave.
In a perfect world, she should not have to switch gyms, I agree with you. But sometimes, even if the police are notified, that guy might still be around. He might even get a power trip once reported, it’s impossible to know what his reaction to being reported will be. Safety first, I think.
OP, you can work something out between the police and the gym to obtain a PPA (protection of property act) or a no contact order. Chances area he's done this before. Your safety is what matters.0 -
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. He’s clearly a weirdo and I’m proud of you for telling him to leave you alone. Please be aware of your surroundings as you enter and leave the gym. I’m concerned that you live close by (as you said) and that he may know where you live. I don’t know the laws where you live but are you able to carry some pepper spray or something else to protect yourself? Do you walk to the gym?
Pleas make sure you tell someone when you leave for the gym and what time you expect to be home.
I can’t believe a gym employee told this guy when you have been working out. If anything, they should have told you about him asking first and got your permission to let him know.
If he keeps switching machines to be able to watch you - tell the management. This needs to stop.
Good advice Jen1 -
As a guy who is 51yo we never get over being GUYS. This does not make it appropriate and the best thing to do in my honest opinion is to talk to him about it. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable and be honest, the truth like your old enough to be my father and I dont see you in that way. Then if it continues then talk to the gym manager as they should be required to provide all members with a safe environment to workout.
OH and after reading some other recent comments definitely tell gym management, do not walk alone and get a freaking powerful taser for those just in case moments.
OH and have you actually told your father? I know I would be in protection mode and at least stepping up to dude and saying back off. take a pic of him with your phone for the record and record everything you can. What type car he drives, license plate.
Yeh even I feel kind of creeped out some guy around my age is hitting on you at 18yo. COME ON MAN!!!!!!0 -
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