What do I do?
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Avocado_Angel wrote: »Not saying it's your fault in any way but letting him regularly join you to play volleyball has probably given him the impression that you like him ? Maybe he has read into this. He obviously likes you. But he sounds rather annoying so I would tell him straight that from now on you just want to work out alone and would rather he just does his own thing. Walk away and then if he continues to talk to you I would speak to management and complain that this dude won't leave you alone. I wouldn't give it anymore head space after that. You've told him to leave you alone and spoke to management you can't really do more than that. If his behaviour escalates I would call the police. But I wouldn't have anymore contact with him id just completely avoid him.
I understand what you mean but when I initially agreed to him letting him join, it was because he said he had played before and could give some pointers (which he has) and he hadn’t started acting weird at that point, he was ‘normal’. After about a week of him practing with me is when he started acting different.
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And to the people saying switch gym, I can’t. The gym I go to is right by house and with both parents working and I don’t have a vehicle. I have no way of going to another one on a regular basis. So it’s either I put up with the crap or don’t go at all. And then my parents question why I’m not going to the gym and I’d rather not tell them because they would blame me for it.
But thank you all for your advice:)0 -
Let me ask this-I’m going to be leaving in about a month to go back to the mainland (I live in Hawaii) and won’t be returning because of college. He knows this (yes I regret telling him. Don’t judge) because when I had said something about leaving one day he asked what I meant, I told him. (This was before he even started regularly doing volleyball with me so not weirdness at that point) Should I just ignore it until I leave? Seeing as it’s not much time left?
And with being short and blunt in telling him to go away, it’s not that I don’t want to...but with me being silent when he has made those comments for the past couple weeks, I think he thinks I’m okay with. And I know that that is my fault, I should’ve said something, but it’s usually not my kind of personality. And then on top of that, he’s talked about how he gets angry/has anger problems. He said once about how was angry when a girl turned him down and how he was so angry he could’ve done something. (That convo was the first to send up red flags everywhere!) So I’m concerned about his response to me telling him to “back off” or “leave me alone”.0 -
And to the people saying switch gym, I can’t. The gym I go to is right by house and with both parents working and I don’t have a vehicle. I have no way of going to another one on a regular basis. So it’s either I put up with the crap or don’t go at all. And then my parents question why I’m not going to the gym and I’d rather not tell them because they would blame me for it.
But thank you all for your advice:)
NO. I don't think anyone would blame you for what is happening to you. All of this is on him.1 -
Report it to a worker, and just make sure you not being followed Home!1
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sportychic87 wrote: »Definitely not overreacting. Find another gym asap. Or file a complaint with the gym, ask for the manager and state that you’re being harassed. If he approaches you can always say something like ‘I’m busy and don’t have time’ and walk away. That should get the message across clearly. Or you could *loudly* say ‘Not interested!’
You do not owe it to be polite in this situation. If none of that works, file a police report.
NO! Don't find another gym. He is the one being creepy and inappropriate. As women, we are subtly trained to not make a scene. So, we change gyms, we change seats at a bar if a dude keeps "accidentally" brushing our leg, we laugh off inappropriate come-ons when we are really creeped out. No. We should not have to accommodate an asshat. The asshat should have to make the change.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I suggest first directly telling him that while you are flattered by his attention, you are not interested. If he continues to be aggressive, report him to the gym. If the gym refuses to do something, then let's talk about pushing it higher.
And yes, if he continues to be an asshat, file a police report. Women do not have to change their lives because a man doesn't have boundaries.
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sportychic87 wrote: »huntersvonnegut wrote: »I have to disagree with those who advised you to find another gym. Maybe if the situation escalates and you worry about your safety. Otherwise, he's the one who needs to leave.
In a perfect world, she should not have to switch gyms, I agree with you. But sometimes, even if the police are notified, that guy might still be around. He might even get a power trip once reported, it’s impossible to know what his reaction to being reported will be. Safety first, I think.
Sorry but I think I made it clear that she needs to be concerned about her safety. If it comes to that. But her having to automatically be the one to leave (and she’s since stated that it isn’t an option) because of his grossly inappropriate behavior? Great Bolshy Yarblockos to that.1 -
What's so hard about telling an elderly man you're not interested? He'll leave you alone.4
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And with being short and blunt in telling him to go away, it’s not that I don’t want to...but with me being silent when he has made those comments for the past couple weeks, I think he thinks I’m okay with. And I know that that is my fault, I should’ve said something, but it’s usually not my kind of personality. And then on top of that, he’s talked about how he gets angry/has anger problems. He said once about how was angry when a girl turned him down and how he was so angry he could’ve done something. (That convo was the first to send up red flags everywhere!) So I’m concerned about his response to me telling him to “back off” or “leave me alone”.
It's not your fault that he's doing it. Even if you haven't said anything. He should know better than to make said comments. Or, to stop after the first one or two didn't get a response. Given he's told you he has anger issues, skip telling him entirely and go straight to management of the gym.
This is not your fault, and no one should blame you for any of it.1 -
All above is fantastic advice, but just don’t let him put you off your work outs!1
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tirowow12385 wrote: »What's so hard about telling an elderly man you're not interested? He'll leave you alone.
There this thing the people have. It’s called feelings...normally you don’t want to hurt them. Lol
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betty_veronica4 wrote: »sportychic87 wrote: »Definitely not overreacting. Find another gym asap. Or file a complaint with the gym, ask for the manager and state that you’re being harassed. If he approaches you can always say something like ‘I’m busy and don’t have time’ and walk away. That should get the message across clearly. Or you could *loudly* say ‘Not interested!’
You do not owe it to be polite in this situation. If none of that works, file a police report.
NO! Don't find another gym. He is the one being creepy and inappropriate. As women, we are subtly trained to not make a scene. So, we change gyms, we change seats at a bar if a dude keeps "accidentally" brushing our leg, we laugh off inappropriate come-ons when we are really creeped out. No. We should not have to accommodate an asshat. The asshat should have to make the change.
Basically how I’ve been responding.0 -
He’s a Dirtty Old Man...PERIOD!
After months of news reports on sexual harassment how can he realize what he is doing? Stop and let him know you don’t want him to talk/stalk/creep etc etc.2 -
tirowow12385 wrote: »What's so hard about telling an elderly man you're not interested? He'll leave you alone.
There this thing the people have. It’s called feelings...normally you don’t want to hurt them. Lol
It's all good, he's 50, hes developed coping mechanisms, hes probably half expecting to be rejected.
How he feels isn't your concern, it seems you want him to be just friends, maybe even less and nothing more and you need to communicate that clearly. Good luck.1 -
betty_veronica4 wrote: »sportychic87 wrote: »Definitely not overreacting. Find another gym asap. Or file a complaint with the gym, ask for the manager and state that you’re being harassed. If he approaches you can always say something like ‘I’m busy and don’t have time’ and walk away. That should get the message across clearly. Or you could *loudly* say ‘Not interested!’
You do not owe it to be polite in this situation. If none of that works, file a police report.
NO! Don't find another gym. He is the one being creepy and inappropriate. As women, we are subtly trained to not make a scene. So, we change gyms, we change seats at a bar if a dude keeps "accidentally" brushing our leg, we laugh off inappropriate come-ons when we are really creeped out. No. We should not have to accommodate an asshat. The asshat should have to make the change.
Basically how I’ve been responding.
Stop doing it. It's how we are conditioned, but you don't have to. If you are creeped out, as hard as it is to say, please stop. Say it. You will feel so much better and stronger.2 -
Let me ask this-I’m going to be leaving in about a month to go back to the mainland (I live in Hawaii) and won’t be returning because of college. He knows this (yes I regret telling him. Don’t judge) because when I had said something about leaving one day he asked what I meant, I told him. (This was before he even started regularly doing volleyball with me so not weirdness at that point) Should I just ignore it until I leave? Seeing as it’s not much time left?
And with being short and blunt in telling him to go away, it’s not that I don’t want to...but with me being silent when he has made those comments for the past couple weeks, I think he thinks I’m okay with. And I know that that is my fault, I should’ve said something, but it’s usually not my kind of personality. And then on top of that, he’s talked about how he gets angry/has anger problems. He said once about how was angry when a girl turned him down and how he was so angry he could’ve done something. (That convo was the first to send up red flags everywhere!) So I’m concerned about his response to me telling him to “back off” or “leave me alone”.
Absolutely not. You need to report it ASAP.0 -
huntersvonnegut wrote: »sportychic87 wrote: »huntersvonnegut wrote: »I have to disagree with those who advised you to find another gym. Maybe if the situation escalates and you worry about your safety. Otherwise, he's the one who needs to leave.
In a perfect world, she should not have to switch gyms, I agree with you. But sometimes, even if the police are notified, that guy might still be around. He might even get a power trip once reported, it’s impossible to know what his reaction to being reported will be. Safety first, I think.
Sorry but I think I made it clear that she needs to be concerned about her safety. If it comes to that. But her having to automatically be the one to leave (and she’s since stated that it isn’t an option) because of his grossly inappropriate behavior? Great Bolshy Yarblockos to that.
I agree that she shouldn't have to leave, but am wary of a creepy old man stalking her an things escalating.0 -
don't you dare "not all men" me.
if you're a man that doesn't suck, you know that isn't directed at you.
Every woman I know has gone through something like this, if not worse. So until that changes, men suck.
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don't you dare "not all men" me.
if you're a man that doesn't suck, you know that isn't directed at you.
Every woman I know has gone through something like this, if not worse. So until that changes, men suck.
Bra-effing-o.
Every woman I know - and I mean every - has had a man push too far after being told no. And, MOST men I know, including the legitimately awesome, kind, and feminist ones, have at least once laughed along to a joke about a woman or a sexist comment instead of saying, "Dude, you are being a douche."9 -
I am right there with you in your frustration. However, I still believe that the majority of people are good. Even during these times we're living in. I refuse to give up faith in that.
don't you dare "not all men" me.
if you're a man that doesn't suck, you know that isn't directed at you.
Every woman I know has gone through something like this, if not worse. So until that changes, men suck.
I guess I had a difficult time understanding how such a sweeping statement directed toward a select few would benefit the OP in dealing with her situation.
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I am right there with you in your frustration. However, I still believe that the majority of people are good. Even during these times we're living in. I refuse to give up faith in that.
don't you dare "not all men" me.
if you're a man that doesn't suck, you know that isn't directed at you.
Every woman I know has gone through something like this, if not worse. So until that changes, men suck.
I guess I had a difficult time understanding how such a sweeping statement directed toward a select few would benefit the OP in dealing with her situation.
Not to mention that the vast majority of guys here would take this guy to task if they could. For every dick, there are a thousand good and decent guys.6 -
OP- I’m glad to see you are still here and hashing this out with us. I feel like you are legitimately desperate for help.
I also understand that you don’t want to be mean. Everything you have said so far has been my exact experience. I ended up in therapy so I could get help reestablishing boundaries with my coworker after he took my niceness and ran with it.
So this might sound silly, but I want you to try something. Go look in a mirror and say to yourself out loud “I am okay with being seen as a jerk for the sake of establishing boundaries”. Or another variation: “I am not responsible for his feelings.” and also “I am worth protecting my boundaries for”
Like I said, you’re likely going to feel silly. But it really does help. Say it until you really believe it.
And if you think we are blowing this out of proportion, then take it one conversation at a time. Come up with a catch phrase like “I’m not going there” when he gets inappropriate. Repeat it every single time he’s inappropriate. Be dead serious. Don’t giggle nervously.
Bottom line is he’s taking advantage of you because he doesn’t respect you.9 -
I am right there with you in your frustration. However, I still believe that the majority of people are good. Even during these times we're living in. I refuse to give up faith in that.
don't you dare "not all men" me.
if you're a man that doesn't suck, you know that isn't directed at you.
Every woman I know has gone through something like this, if not worse. So until that changes, men suck.
I guess I had a difficult time understanding how such a sweeping statement directed toward a select few would benefit the OP in dealing with her situation.
Solidarity. Co-misery. Whatever you want to call it.
And if you read the rest of the comment, I also gave her advice.0 -
Just start talking to him about crossfit or your vegan diet.
That should be enough to scare any sane person away.9 -
Motorsheen wrote: »Just start talking to him about crossfit or your vegan diet.
That should be enough to scare any sane person away.
Or keto.3 -
betty_veronica4 wrote: »Motorsheen wrote: »Just start talking to him about crossfit or your vegan diet.
That should be enough to scare any sane person away.
Or keto.
Or how you had your dog neutered 'cause he kept trying to hump things that didn't want to be humped.3 -
caco_ethes wrote: »OP- I’m glad to see you are still here and hashing this out with us. I feel like you are legitimately desperate for help.
I also understand that you don’t want to be mean. Everything you have said so far has been my exact experience. I ended up in therapy so I could get help reestablishing boundaries with my coworker after he took my niceness and ran with it.
So this might sound silly, but I want you to try something. Go look in a mirror and say to yourself out loud “I am okay with being seen as a jerk for the sake of establishing boundaries”. Or another variation: “I am not responsible for his feelings.” and also “I am worth protecting my boundaries for”
Like I said, you’re likely going to feel silly. But it really does help. Say it until you really believe it.
And if you think we are blowing this out of proportion, then take it one conversation at a time. Come up with a catch phrase like “I’m not going there” when he gets inappropriate. Repeat it every single time he’s inappropriate. Be dead serious. Don’t giggle nervously.
Bottom line is he’s taking advantage of you because he doesn’t respect you.
No, it’s not silly. It makes sense. And I already do tell him “I’m not gonna go there” but he just laughs whenever I say that. So idk.
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