In need of a guys opinion
Replies
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@mulecanter Very well said. I included a bit less detail in my post, but your information matches my actual situation almost identically.0
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If a guy is put off by the way you look, now or later, he's not worthy of you.9
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If a guy turns away from you because of your body, do you really want to be with that guy anyway? Don't worry about what anyone will think of you in a bikini. Wear anything you want, but own it when you wear it! Confidence is way more becoming than "thin-ness" or fitness.3
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1) If a guy has the cojones to vocalize to you that your body is a turn-off, that guy is a loser. The right guy knows that aesthetics are fleeting and will find qualities within a woman that have universal value through every stage of life. But you don't need to worry about this right now because you're young.
2) Stop caring what guys think. It's not relevant to your value as a person. The quality and fullness of your life is not defined by whether you can hook a man or not. You will never fill whatever hole exists within you by receiving whatever approval you need from a man. Only you can do that when you start focusing on the right priorities in life. Stop worrying about this. Have fun with your friends and make memories with them and enjoy the beautiful weather this summer. The end.6 -
RecognitionT wrote: »
Just curious... do you actually think that's helpful?
Yes. The incessant sugar coating and coddling that occurs on this forum is just out of control and needs to be dealt with with some tough love.
Especially for something as silly as needing emotional validation because you think you'll be unattractive to potential mates.
As much as it sickens me reading things like "you need to love yourself before you can love someone else", there's an underlying truth to it. So if you're worried about attracting others, deal with your own issues and insecurities first, or you'll develop a codependent relationship that revolves around you getting off on the validation your partner gives you.
Then when something goes wrong and you have a disagreement, or God forbid, split up? That person will be taking all the validation they gave you with them, leaving you feeling like the same hopeless mess you were before, probably even worse off.
I can rant about this *kitten* forever because I've experienced it firsthand, and never want others to undergo that same level of suffering. So if that means toughening them up before they get themselves into the mess in the first place, albeit by being a total d*ck to them, I've achieved my goal.32 -
You look fine2
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Older guy - longer perspective. But there is always this: looks are fleeting. It's the whole person that matters. You are you - specially made.
Here's what I tell my daughter (who's still a bit younger than you): "Don't be a target. Be a treasure. A treasure is worth somebody's effort to find. Be somebody who is worth the extra effort. The one who gives the extra effort is not one who is concerned about how you look in a bikini. That person is looking specifically for you. Be that treasure that holds value over time. Wait for the person who sees a treasure, not a target".
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RecognitionT wrote: »RecognitionT wrote: »
Just curious... do you actually think that's helpful?
Yes. The incessant sugar coating and coddling that occurs on this forum is just out of control and needs to be dealt with with some tough love.
Especially for something as silly as needing emotional validation because you think you'll be unattractive to potential mates.
As much as it sickens me reading things like "you need to love yourself before you can love someone else", there's an underlying truth to it. So if you're worried about attracting others, deal with your own issues and insecurities first, or you'll develop a codependent relationship that revolves around you getting off on the validation your partner gives you.
Then when something goes wrong and you have a disagreement, or God forbid, split up? That person will be taking all the validation they gave you with them, leaving you feeling like the same hopeless mess you were before, probably even worse off.
I can rant about this *kitten* forever because I've experienced it firsthand, and never want others to undergo that same level of suffering. So if that means toughening them up before they get themselves into the mess in the first place, albeit by being a total d*ck to them, I've achieved my goal.
Tough love or not... just seems like all of that would have been WAY more helpful thanRecognitionT wrote: »Grow up.16 -
This guy hates telling a woman she is beautiful and her telling him he is wrong/crazy/in need of glasses, etc. It is a major turn-off to have my personal feelings dismissed. You don't know what is in my brain and what I find attractive or not.
Also, if you are not careful your insecurities could lead you to the very wrong kind of guy.7 -
This guy hates telling a woman she is beautiful and her telling him he is wrong/crazy/in need of glasses, etc. It is a major turn-off to have my personal feelings dismissed. You don't know what is in my brain and what I find attractive or not.
Also, if you are not careful your insecurities could lead you to the very wrong kind of guy.
Yes, OP stay away from men who use negging: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Negging1 -
At the risk of being a little blunt, but can I perhaps suggest you need to seek counselling for your self-esteem more than you need to diet to lose weight.
As I said in the last thread you started asking this question, physically you really have nothing to worry about but it doesn't matter how slim you get or how flat your belly if your lack of confidence and neediness sends guys packing.
Another vote for working on self-esteem with a professional.5 -
RecognitionT wrote: »RecognitionT wrote: »
Just curious... do you actually think that's helpful?
Yes. The incessant sugar coating and coddling that occurs on this forum is just out of control and needs to be dealt with with some tough love.
Especially for something as silly as needing emotional validation because you think you'll be unattractive to potential mates.
As much as it sickens me reading things like "you need to love yourself before you can love someone else", there's an underlying truth to it. So if you're worried about attracting others, deal with your own issues and insecurities first, or you'll develop a codependent relationship that revolves around you getting off on the validation your partner gives you.
Then when something goes wrong and you have a disagreement, or God forbid, split up? That person will be taking all the validation they gave you with them, leaving you feeling like the same hopeless mess you were before, probably even worse off.
I can rant about this *kitten* forever because I've experienced it firsthand, and never want others to undergo that same level of suffering. So if that means toughening them up before they get themselves into the mess in the first place, albeit by being a total d*ck to them, I've achieved my goal.
Tough love or not... just seems like all of that would have been WAY more helpful thanRecognitionT wrote: »Grow up.
Way to edit to suit your purposes. Maybe it would have been helpful if you had said something more thannot
See what I did?
Edited to fix typo. Stupid auto complete.6 -
At the end of the day whether you are 100 lb or 600lb or anything in between, have a washboard stomach, a little belly or a lot of belly there will be someone out there who will find you attractive. The amazing thing is that not everyone is attracted to the same aesthetic. This is what makes things interesting, the variety of shapes and sizes we come in and what each and everyone of use likes and dislikes.
I realise that you are insecure about yourself and what you need to do is start finding things that you like about yourself and get your self esteem up and then that little part of yourself you are not happy about will not be as bad, you can still work on that off course but it can't rule your life.
You don't need validation from others your need, validation from yourself so start working on that. At the end of the day being a strong, independent women who is self assured is far more attractive than a needy, insecure one regardless of her looks.0 -
I read your post this morning and I gotta tell you, I have been thinking about it all day and find it disturbing. You gotta validate yourself and not wait for someone to do it for you. Of course I care what I look like, I think a lot of us that have nutrition and fitness as an integral part of our days do. I second the suggestions for therapy for you. It is a really positive thing.6
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How do you feel about yourself? I really don't mean for this to sound like a cliche statement, but who cares what guys think? You're 18, you have plenty of great life left in you. Keep improving yourself and your confidence and you will hold yourself better and present an attractive body language. This, however, is just a part of the equation. I am not so naive to think that physical appearance is not part of the whole package though. Just keep this in mind from a man's perspective:
1. All I see is your midsection, there are MANY other physical parts of a woman's body that men can find attractive. How about your smile? Your eyes? The way you do your hair? The clothes you wear?
2. Your self-confidence and the way you present yourself when you have a man approach you, or you approach another man, say a lot about you. You just need to feel good about who you are and be comfortable in conversation.
Finally, you are posting this on a fitness forum made largely of people who are all on personal goals of self improvement, and a lot of that is driven by physical appearance and health. We are all here to support one another, so don't feel bad for asking questions. There are people from all walks of life, religious background, cultural background, races, genders, etc... So, questions such as the one you asked are going to gain different responses, some men like women with a bit of fat, some men prefer skin and bones, some men like a curve, some men like a six-pack. I think you get where I am going with this, the bottom line here is to keep on the track of self improvement, post some before and after pictures with your smiling face! People love seeing increased happiness here, we are all on the same journey, just a different destination. Successes and the people who share them drive us all! Best of luck to you, and I am sorry if this isn't the response you were looking for.6 -
You're fine.
No matter what the shape of your body, you are fine. Don't place your sense of self-worth in the hands of others, especially not those who will judge you by your appearance. They don't know you just by looking at you, and they don't know what you are worth.1 -
Do you really think a womans belly looks like a sunken in matress naturally? No! A woman holds in her stomach with her muscles, given that she has gotten rid of significant body fat.
Hold in your stomach and stand up straight and I can bet you are fine!
A quality man looks for an individual with confidence and self worth. You are not there yet.
At this point of insecurity all you will find is users and bottom of the barrel. Nothing but misery!
Wait and work hard on you and your future will folliw.2 -
I will agree with some of the above that different guys will be attracted to different things. Some will rule you out on hair color alone.
You are 18 and you are quite likely not the best version of yourself yet and I don't mean body. Many guys your age are in the same boat. Unless you are living under a rock there is probably a guy out there right now that likes you but he may be too insecure to do anything about it. Then there are some guys that age who are only interested in girls that are more gullible.
You are probably only ready to meet your next ex-boyfriend right now and that is okay. Dating at your age should be viewed more like a educational course. You are learning what you like, what you don't like, how to behave, and what relationship you looks like. If you are smart you will learn and the next time around you will be a better version of yourself. This will continue until you meet someone really special but that may be 7 years down the road for all you know.
My point is don't get too invested in guys right now. They are likely still learning themselves. I wasn't ready for my wife when I was that age.
The other thing is make them measure up to your standards not the other way around. You have to be in control of you and you have to believe that you deserve to be happy or you truly do need counseling.1 -
Thanks everyone4
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Forty years ago I was your age, and shy about my body. I didn't really think I measured up. Here's the thing that may happen to you: when you get older and see pictures of yourself at 18 years old, you'll think to yourself, "My God, I was a hottie and was too insecure to see it!"
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You post here asking specifically for outside validation, yet you also say that you never believe anyone. I'm not trying to put you down, I just want to point out that you've set up a paradigm by which you can never feel good about yourself. You need to learn not to look to an unreliable (that you don't even believe) source for validation.4
This discussion has been closed.
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