How do you respond to dieting "confessionals"?

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  • AnnPT77
    AnnPT77 Posts: 32,429 Member
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    If someone asks how I did it, I tell them I ate less, and used this app to figure out how much. (Sometimes they argue with me: "But you must've cut carbs!" "It was your rowing!" - same rowing I did for a decade plus while obese. Etc.)

    If someone wants to talk about him/herself, how s/he ought to lose weight, I make encouraging sounds and say something like "I was fat for years, and knew I should lose weight, but finally something clicked - I don't know why - and I finally buckled down and did it. Now that I know how simple it was and how much better I feel, I wish I'd done it decades ago." Then I change the subject, because talking about this sort of thing is boring, unless they really push questions, or they're on a similar path to mine.

    The only time I really talk eating and fitness in depth is with a very small number of friends who have similar goals and methods, so sometimes we "talk shop" about it.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
    edited May 2018
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    AnnPT77 wrote: »
    If someone asks how I did it, I tell them I ate less, and used this app to figure out how much. (Sometimes they argue with me: "But you must've cut carbs!" "It was your rowing!" - same rowing I did for a decade plus while obese. Etc.)...

    Oh man the rowing thing hit home so much. I walked miles every night while morbidly obese and yes I lost some weight doing that. But once I accelerated my losses with MFP, everyone was like "oh it's because you started walking!" and I'd been doing that for 6 years by then. Also I have had several people ask me about my bicycling and I maybe get on my bike once or twice a month and do 5 miles at most...I am certainly NOT a cyclist by any stretch of the imagination, but people want to argue that apps like this can't be the reason I am 100+ lighter.

    In reference to a few other posts, I think it's so interesting how different people view apps like MFP. I've had friends try it for less than a week and freak about how impossible/hard/awful it is. I've had friends try it for 2 months and lose more weight than they thought possible, then stop and regain. I have one friend who thinks counting calories is disordered eating and one day recently she mentioned that it's not healthy for ANYONE to count calories. That one puzzled me. I reminded her that I've been doing it for 5 years and that's why I'm not morbidly obese (currently healthy and happy & a tad overweight) like I was from 16-35. She backpedaled a little, but ugh. I love my friend dearly but she's a bit off-kilter when it comes to nutrition and health (same friend who said her children are thin ONLY because they drink whole milk). So frustrating and this is why I just try to change the subject.

  • jefamer2017
    jefamer2017 Posts: 416 Member
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    amandaeve wrote: »
    jefamer2017 wrote: »
    amandaeve wrote: »
    I know a few women who can't get 5 words in without saying something hateful about their bodies and/or habits. If I'm feeling tired of hearing it (usually) I say, "Oh" or "Hm" and try to change the subject. If they keep on then I say something like, "Oh, I totally understand, I used to feel that way too. But then I decided to have some self compassion and now things are a lot better." They usually ignore me and keep on so then I say, "You know it's OK to be kind to yourself. How about we focus on what to do right now, or next time?" If they keep rambling after that, I usually have to remove myself from the conversation. Then in the back of my head I wonder if I used to be like that too? How did I get to know so many self-hating women? Is everyone like this? etc, etc.

    Question? Do you feel that if someone says that they are fat is negative speak. Because I have said that to people and they say no you're not. I was over 200lbs. I was FAT. I'm just curious because maybe I made people uncomfortable and now I kind of feel bad. Of course I'd only mention that I was fat when asked what I was doing after work and I'd tell them going home to work out because I am fat.

    Yeah, the same people who told me I "wasn't fat and looked fine" at 220 tell me I could "lose a little" at 145...some people are just all wrapped up in talk.

    The context around how you say you're fat matters:

    "I'm 50 pounds overweight and am focusing on fixing that" - this is a realistic, productive, true thing to say.

    "I'm so fat I'm a terrible person. " - this is never true. Ever.

    Should/tried/meant to/couldn't/need to/can't if any of those words are repeated in a long conversation about weight/beauty/success, that's negative speak. Talking for years about how someone/something is to blame for your failure, or about how you were wronged in childhood/work/life but not actively working to improve your perspective is hard to listen to. For me, if im around that talk enough, I fall into that conversation and suddenly everyone else has is better and I don't deserve anything good and I feel awful right along with the person.

    I see what you're saying. I don't do that. I know I am still overweight and I am doing something about it every day. 30lbs to lose until my healthy weight 40 for my goal. Depending upon composition of course.
  • Running_and_Coffee
    Running_and_Coffee Posts: 811 Member
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    I really like the idea of either making the conversation jokingly about food or seeing what it is they need--to vent or really if they want advice. I wouldn't personally feel comfortable telling someone they need to be more "compassionate" to themselves, because you can want to lose weight without it being about self-loathing. You might just objectively want to lose some pounds because you know you're overweight. I would be annoyed if someone took me saying, "I need to lose some weight" as meaning the same as, "I hate my body," because wanting to be thinner, fitter and stronger can actually come from a place of love. But anyway, I'll stick to, "Oooh, pizza!" when appropriate! :-)
  • saragd012
    saragd012 Posts: 693 Member
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    I have a coworker who does this basically every day. At first I would offer for her to join me on my lunch walk, because it's beautiful outside and such a nice way to get moving in the middle of the day. She always has an excuse why she cant go, despite the fact that she just uses the time to play on her phone in the break room. When she mentions eating I usually just respond with something like "Ohhh yum I love pizza too, I try to limit it to once a month though because I could destroy a full pizza if given the chance!" because I feel like she assumes I only eat "clean" all the time, and that she would have to give up all of her favorite foods but that is not the case. It probably doesn't matter how respond though, they're most likely saying it for themselves, not for you, so nothing you say will make a difference (aside from potentially hurting feelings).
  • MelanieCN77
    MelanieCN77 Posts: 4,047 Member
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    jefamer2017 wrote: »

    A friend of mine does this too. I say try myfitnesspal and get a food scale. She says it's too much work. I tell her you're always on the phone and in the kitchen so why not. She downloaded the app but has yet to use it. At least she took the first step.

    Savage hahaha!
  • crosbylee
    crosbylee Posts: 3,454 Member
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    I am glad I found this thread. It makes me a little more aware of how I approach people when it comes to weight being brought up in conversation. I think I tend to be the one talking about what 'I' need to do. I have been here many times off and on. It is up to me to make sure I put in the work.
  • PokeyBug
    PokeyBug Posts: 482 Member
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    If they compliment you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, make a joke. "Ugh! You make me feel so fat!" "I used to do that to myself all the time. I finally decided to do something about it." And then let the conversation go its natural way. If they want any particulars on how you lost the weight, share the basics and let it go. Let them lead the conversation. If they want to know more, they'll ask. They probably don't want to know more, and that's okay.
  • Kfrase83
    Kfrase83 Posts: 42 Member
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    I was just asked on Monday by two co-workers what I've been doing, that I look great. I said I've been eating less and moving more, waking up at 6am because I need to make time for me. That this is the only body I've been given and I need to feel comfortable. That MFP helps me keep on top of things. I feel like even hearing about change is overwhelming for people, and so they back away slowly. Or perhaps I sounded like Snoopy's teacher: Whomp-whomp-whomp.
    I wanted to say that they should stop eating Starburst and Werthers and go out for a walk on our breaks instead of driving to McDonalds or eating Lean Cuisines. And walks with your dog every night is not enough.
  • jjalbertt
    jjalbertt Posts: 98 Member
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    I'm usually honest with my friends... If you don't like that they say that every time, tell them. If they're actually curious or they never say stuff like that, tell them how you did it.
  • GottaBurnEmAll
    GottaBurnEmAll Posts: 7,722 Member
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    Well, my response depends on what the person says. If people ask what I've done, I say I've counted calories and started exercising. Where the conversation goes from there depends who I'm talking to and how they respond and how I read them.

    Once, I gave detailed responses to specific questions because a person seemed genuinely interested in making improvements but didn't know where to start. Another time, I told someone they looked wonderful because they did. Another time, I told someone that exercise didn't have to be a chore and that it didn't necessarily mean "feeling the burn" the way Jane Fonda told us it had to back in the day. Most of the time, I make sympathetic noises and change the subject because people know what they need to do but were only looking for a magic pill and their face fell when they heard what I did.

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