"Do you want a donut"?

amusedmonkey wrote: »

Stockholm_Andy wrote: »

amusedmonkey wrote: »

Popping candy amuses me more than it should. It just makes me happy. Yesterday my sister surprised me with pop rocks ice cream. She didn't even ask, she just handed it to me. I felt loved. She cared about me enough to notice such a small detail as how I react to certain foods and to think of me when she saw something with popping candy. I had the calories for it so I ate it, but if I didn't, I would have thanked her and put it in the freezer.

A couple of days ago my mom was eating chocolate wafers and asked me if I wanted some. I said no, I don't have the calories for that today. She said: I discovered this new brand and it's amazing with milk. I felt loved. She cared about me enough to want me to experience a pleasant feeling she was experiencing.

About 2 weeks ago, I explicitly made it clear to my family that I was having a low calorie day and would not be joining them for lunch. They called me to the table for lunch asking if I was sure I didn't want to eat lunch that day. I thanked them and said, no, I'm still sticking to my plan today. I felt loved because they didn't like the thought of me being uncomfortable.

You can butt heads and be over dramatic and defensive over the smallest things people do, but when you stop over-analyzing both parties are happier for it.

P.S: I would have laughed too if someone had such an extreme reaction to a normal common courtesy question.

AM I think what you are describing above are examples of normal and healthy expression of love when you give something to a loved one you'll know they'll enjoy as a treat.

I love to buy my daughter an ice cream for the smile it'll put on her face or feed my dog a frankfurter to watch look of pure devotion. However, I also know that when I offer my brother a bacon sandwich, which he adored before his girlfriend made him become a vegan, I'm doing it for pure devilment and to wind him up. The same way we both have been since we were pouring sand down the back of each others shorts in the sandbox as toddlers.

OP It sounds to me that although you still live with your Mother you have a somewhat difficult relationship with her. (I do too as it happen, mine not yours, but as we live in different countries it's easier LOL). Reading between the lines it feels like you are short handing a whole series of things into this example.

I would suggest you just ignore her just be firm and polite. She's trying to get a reaction from you so don't rise to it. Some people can get oddly jealous when you've made positive changes to your life and they haven't.

Good Luck.

I can see how that is different. I have zero reading comprehension after I wake up. I read OP as separate instances, not as a single conversation.

To be fair it could just as easily be me reading it wrongly. Or perhaps you are more likely to see the good in people and I'm a mean old cynic LOL

I get the feeling that there's many more incidences that this is an example of the situation.

Sometimes it feels that the world wants you to fail. 90% of the time it's the way we see it, 10% of the time it's other people. For example: She may have thought she was being helpful with the peanut better, some people use it in healthy snacks. She may have been letting you know there was some there. Alternatively, she may have been trying to say "don't eat my peanut butter". Offering half a doughnut could have been more the fact that she didn't want to eat it all, rather than trying to make you eat more. Sometimes it's not the way we see things.

I would also remind you that it may seems obvious to us that we're tracking and planning our foods, but unless you keep reminding others, they really don't know, or they just don't care. At the end of the day, other people are not as excited as you are about your weightloss than you are. And although some people are amused by diets in general, that's a state on themselves, and not on you.

You're doing well on the Nos, but may I suggest some different way of saying no: "Thanks, but I'm not hungry", "No thanks, I don't want to ruin my appetite for dinner", "I don't really feel like 'X' right now". I know they don't sound much different, but if you make it less about your diet, and more about how you feel, I find that other people respect that a lot more.

The fact that's she's laughing right afterwards tells you she's doing it on purpose, she just wants to see your reaction. I think the suggestion of taking it and throwing it away is a good idea....then maybe she won't offer it again if she knows it's going to waste. Before my weight loss, my mom's favorite saying is "oh its not going to kill you to have a ____". and I tell her, having all of that is what got me to the weight I was. I've lost about 50lbs and she has now respected my decisions and doesn't try to give me things she knows I can't eat.

The funny thing is my family is the exact opposite. They will ask me if I can eat a certain type of food or what kind of food can I have. I think it is funny, because they know I do not have diet restrictions, but I know it is out of love.

Even with the context above, I'm more inclined to think that it may not be malicious. Many people don't like change. If you and your mom used to eat a certain way, and now things are different, it may be making her uncomfortable and she's trying to regain the familiar. Some people keep that discomfort to themselves (like I would if my family changed their diet to something I don't enjoy) but others just don't have the right filters for that.

Adding fuel to the fire by creating conflict may not be the best approach - that's why I completely disagree with actions like throwing the doughnut in the trash. It would extend the time it takes for her to get used to your current food choices and make your relationship even worse. I would just continue saying no calmly without making a big deal out of it until this adjustment period passes.

I don't know your mom or the kind of relationship you have, so there may be more to it, but I know from experience that reminding myself that other people have an inner world too has helped me defuse several situations that could have resulted in unneeded tension that would have made me and them uncomfortable. This is especially true since you share a living space. You can't control her actions, but you can control yours.

I don't think the OP is overreacting. She describes her mother laughing at her while making these remarks - they aren't a failed attempt at kindness (which is incompatible with thoughtlessness anyway) but intentional teasing.

OP! One of the nifty things about being a human is we have words. Use your words. Say, "Please don't offer me food anymore. It doesn't help me stick with my goals." If she says she doesn't care, say, "That's interesting. I thought you loved me and wanted me to be happy and healthy and live a long time. I love you."

I think the idea of throwing it in the bin is perfect. She's not showing love or affection. She's teasing you which is rude because you already explained to her that you can't have it. That's NOT love. My grandma is like that. She hardly eats herself but feeds others too much and if they refuse she says "Nothing will happen, its fine! Eat it."

Mmm, I love donuts. We have a gourmet locally owned donut shop, a little pricey for a donut, but sooo good. Went there with my son this weekend, He got 2 and I had one, picked one up for his mom too. He had one with me on Saturday and another with his mom on Sunday... I still lose my target amount of weight this week with that, the donut did not hamper it at all.

OP: donuts are okay, just fit it into your caloric intake goal and you will be fine. occasional treats are fine, as long as your overall diet gets you your micros and macros.

crazykatlady820 wrote: »

You can’t control how your mom acts, what she says, or how she treats you. But you can control how it affects you. I think it will take time, but you need to keep reminding yourself that whatever is driving her actions and behavior is her problem and not yours.

Indeed! So much this!

If her behavior isn't about the donut, but about your reaction, you need to respond accordingly.

Which means firstly you have to get control of your feelings about your response, and then you have to control your response. That means that whether you give her the reaction she's looking for(trying to get a rise out of you) or no reaction. That internally, you're responding with deliberation and not reflex.

It's sort of the 101 of leadership and dealing with customer support representatives. It's OK to look angry or out of control, It's not ok to be angry and out of control.