Anyone else have friends who suck?

Friends? What’s that?

I'm 41 and have a good core group of close girlfriends but I realize not everyone is lucky enough to have that. I will say it wasn't always so great. I found that my mid 20s through early 30s were a harder to time to maintain friendships as so many moved around for jobs, had babies/young kids, etc. I was always married with no kids and a career, but a lot of my friends were SAHMs and didn't get a lot of opportunities to take a night out so their friend time was mainly spent with fellow SAHMs. Since mid 30s it has seemed like most people had a calmer life overall with older kids and a little more time and money to go out and do things (nothing lavish like big trips, I just mean coffee anytime or the occasional concert, dinner, play, paint night, winery, etc).

I would highly suggest trying out some new hobby/class/group to meet people. I know it may sound weird but even meeting people through mutual acquaintances on sites like facebook, Yelp, etc, can turn into new friendships. While my core group is mainly women who have known each other since our teens or college age, we have "taken on" several newer friends in the last 4-5 years (usually that one of us met through work or social media) and they fit in perfectly and add a lot to our get togethers. I think by late 30s into early 40s most of us are a lot more accepting of newcomers as long as they're "our type" and by that I mainly mean similar interests and politics...not some strict mean girls crap or anything. We are a wide range of women.

EDITED TO ADD: I would absolutely write off people who flake. I can still have the occasional catch up conversation or maybe coffee one on one with a friend who is flaky but I'm not committing to "real plans" with anyone who has burned me more than 1-2 times in that area. Some old friends fell by the wayside as they found religion or drugs or whatever. Others just can't get their act together or remember which night to meet...so that's just too bad for them.

I have run into this a fair amount - I even have one friend that I call my "3rd times a charm" person. If something is planned, I know it won't actually happen until the 2nd time it's rescheduled. I just know that's the pattern and don't take the first 2 scheduled items too seriously.

After my divorce I found a book club, which led me to a group of over 50 single ladies. I love hanging out with them. There is very little judgment, they're all much more social than I am and they plan things regularly. I found that I enjoy spending time/talking with them much more than other women my age.

I have a very tight group of friends. Most of them I ride with, served in the Marines with and/or share an affinity for good cigars. They are all people I can count on. If I could not, they would no longer be in my group of friends.

And I am a person they can count on.

I don't have local friends who are not also friends with my dh at this point. We would generally be invited to do things as a family or couple. I have not been able to commit to or attend things many times because of my dd's issues so I guess I am the sucky friend but they have not sitting at home alone because of it. Dh sometimes goes to things alone if dd and I can not go. My social life is not awesome but it is not because other people are flaky or suck.
As a family/couple we are not really interested in going out as much with friends as spending our free time together.

My non-local friends I don't really make plans with. We communicate through facebook and such but don't really get together as they live far away now.

Maybe time to expand your social circle to include more single people who want to socialize like you or change the type of plans you make.

Most of all my old friends are dead. The few that remain are very dear indeed to me.

However, I do have newer friends, most of which are good and reliable. I'm pretty careful of the people that I let into my inner circle. But I have had a few that started to become flaky, when that happened I stopped making plans with them. Life is too short for paper friends.

DWBalboa wrote: »

Most of all my old friends are dead. The few that remain are very dear indeed to me.

However, I do have newer friends, most of which are good and reliable. I'm pretty careful of the people that I let into my inner circle. But I have had a few that started to become flaky, when that happened I stopped making plans with them. Life is too short for paper friends.

Yes. I'm over the "lemme see if I've got time" people.

fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »

Being in my 40’s you would think one would have an established group of friends by now. I have a group of 4 girlfriends who I love dearly but they flake on me all the time. We all plan things, dinners, activities, weekends away, etc.. and more times than not multiple people bail and I end up sitting home alone. So do you completely write off these people and be friendless or put up with their shenanigans? The easy thing would be to get new friends but that’s extremely difficult when you are in your 40’s and single.

I'm 26 and I literally have no friends. I get all my social needs from my spouse and my coworkers, I guess. When I go out it's alone or with my husband, but mostly I stay at home, especially since it's winter in my hemisphere and too cold to do much outdoors.

The few times I had something resembling a "friend circle" it was through my husband and it was the same as you described. They were super unreliable about everything and would make grandiose plans about stuff and then either never follow through with further planning (i.e. "we should do x!" then nobody actually organizes) or if something got organized, 90% of people would bail out earlier on the same day. Three different groups over the years and they were ALL like that.

I can't stand it. I'm a thorough person. If I RSVP to something, I'm going, unless I legitimately get sick or something. If I put forth the labor (and sometimes, money) to organize something, I feel like going postal when 90% of the attendants drop out with a few hours warning. ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR AND IT'S NON REFUNDABLE.

Anyway people are overrated and *kitten*, you're doing just fine.

I have an amazing group of friends! I am the only single one and that sometimes gets in the way, but the fact of their friendship is never a question.

We should all just be friends and say heck with all the other friends who suck! 😊

laprimaJenny wrote: »

What I don’t get with friendships is how people lack the understanding of what I consider unknown simple rules of educate. For example, if I invite you over three times in a row, how can you not feel the need to invite me back?!

Jenny - my friends understand my family situation *ie nobody in my family is very social except for me - our family circle is just the four of us* - so i prefer to go to a restaurant, out for a walk, or their place *i'm married and all my friends are divorced* and i always bring something over. i always tell them how much i appreciate seeing them, and coming to their place. every situation is different. i appreciate my girlfriends immensely!

if i were coming over to your place, you can bet i'd bring a bag full of food and Prosecco! cin cin Bella. if you feel you are being taken advantage of - perhaps ask why there's no reciprocity going on? perhaps there is room for some kind of compromise or discussion? xo

newmeadow wrote: »

como_agua wrote: »

i had two friends ghost me after i found out i had cancer. after 12 years of friendship with both of them!!! it gutted me, but in a positive way, completely made me change my whole concept of friendship. one of them had cancer years ago, and i drove her to her chemo sessions! seriously. i have true friends who i can count on, on one hand. but my family is where it's at.

It wasn't until I started working in nursing that I found out how often this happens. And after all these years it never ceases to shock me. I'm really sorry this happened to you and it must have been one of the most ardent tests you've ever been put through.

Yeah people are scared to death of other people's cancer and refuse to face up to it. It reminds them of their own mortality and most people run from that as fast as they can. That's the reason why they abandon the sick. They'll have every excuse in the book on hand to explain why they did that to a cancer stricken friend if they ever get called out on it. It's pure cowardice.

Unfortunately, family members do it to each other too when cancer or some other catastrophic disease or health condition comes calling. Adult sons and daughters do it to their aging parents all the time and brothers to sisters, sisters to brothers. Only in one instance did I ever see parents abandon a terminally ill adult daughter. (I'm not saying you're terminally ill OP, just referencing this particular scenario that I witnessed.) Parents will usually stick by their kids, including grown kids, no matter what - when serious illness takes place.

I'm so glad you have a family you can count on. Thank God for the few good people in the world. And I hope in the years to come you meet many more of them because you sound like a very excellent lady.

@newmeadow
thanks for your wisdom and experience on this topic. it's interesting to see this is a pretty common phenomenon. i don't know how excellent i am, but i always considered and still do consider myself a loyal and loving friend. life is a learning process, and as much as it sucks sometimes, it's very eye opening and beautiful.

you get big props for being a nurse, Lady. it's not an easy profession. i'm sure you value life infinitely more than the average bear. thanks again for your response!

toned_thugs_n_harmony wrote: »

Mez79p wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 39 single & have 4 friends & all single (3 are 39) too. 3(girls) of them have some sort of anxiety problems, they're always bailing on me. I'm lucky if I can get a chance to have an afternoon coffee with them on a Sunday afternoon if they don't get a panic attack. The other feels like he only wants to catchup when a blockbuster movie is out (so not too much catch up there.
I found that going to the gym has helped me find new friends. Mind you it has been a slow process (about 2 years). I've slowly gotten to know these people found out we're all there with similar goals. We've finally gone on some charity events a couple of dinners and planning on going on some fun runs.
Do you have any interests or hobbies or sports? Maybe by attending cooking/ language classes or crafts or even the gym for example, you might come across people with the same interests (well I at least you're both there doing the same activity ) & hopefully make new friends.

I feel your pain, it can get pretty lonely flying solo.

All my female friends are the same. They always back out and cancel plans due to their anxiety. I know anxiety is real, but I feel many use it as an excuse honestly. This is why 90% of my friends are males. They’re much more reliable.

Anxiety and other mental health issues take a lot of forms, I know. But I think it's interesting that I have generalized anxiety disorder (since early childhood) and honestly never cancel plans. I do have a few friends who often cancel due to their depression and/or anxiety and unfortunately most of them have been only on the periphery for years now or have become more like acquaintances as the years pass. I think some people have legitimate issues and others really do use it only as an excuse for being tired, lazy, etc. I have known a few who are definitely just blowing others off.

seltzermint555 wrote: »

toned_thugs_n_harmony wrote: »

Mez79p wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 39 single & have 4 friends & all single (3 are 39) too. 3(girls) of them have some sort of anxiety problems, they're always bailing on me. I'm lucky if I can get a chance to have an afternoon coffee with them on a Sunday afternoon if they don't get a panic attack. The other feels like he only wants to catchup when a blockbuster movie is out (so not too much catch up there.
I found that going to the gym has helped me find new friends. Mind you it has been a slow process (about 2 years). I've slowly gotten to know these people found out we're all there with similar goals. We've finally gone on some charity events a couple of dinners and planning on going on some fun runs.
Do you have any interests or hobbies or sports? Maybe by attending cooking/ language classes or crafts or even the gym for example, you might come across people with the same interests (well I at least you're both there doing the same activity ) & hopefully make new friends.

I feel your pain, it can get pretty lonely flying solo.

All my female friends are the same. They always back out and cancel plans due to their anxiety. I know anxiety is real, but I feel many use it as an excuse honestly. This is why 90% of my friends are males. They’re much more reliable.

Anxiety and other mental health issues take a lot of forms, I know. But I think it's interesting that I have generalized anxiety disorder (since early childhood) and honestly never cancel plans. I do have a few friends who often cancel due to their depression and/or anxiety and unfortunately most of them have been only on the periphery for years now or have become more like acquaintances as the years pass. I think some people have legitimate issues and others really do use it only as an excuse for being tired, lazy, etc. I have known a few who are definitely just blowing others off.

Agreed. I also have anxiety, including significant social anxiety, but I only cancel for true illness. In my mind it's how I express to my friends that I care and enjoy spending time with them enough that I'm willing to try to get a grasp on my *kitten*.