Anyone else have friends who suck?

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13

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  • bootyrubsandtacos
    bootyrubsandtacos Posts: 775 Member
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    _Maid_of_Mischief_ wrote: »
    I think everyone sucks, some of them are just better at it.

    Yup!
  • DWBalboa
    DWBalboa Posts: 37,259 Member
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    Most of all my old friends are dead. The few that remain are very dear indeed to me.

    However, I do have newer friends, most of which are good and reliable. I'm pretty careful of the people that I let into my inner circle. But I have had a few that started to become flaky, when that happened I stopped making plans with them. Life is too short for paper friends.

  • SpartanRunner1978
    SpartanRunner1978 Posts: 1,049 Member
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    My friends that suck are acquaintances. They only get ahold of me when they need something. They know I won’t say no. However, I also have a great group of guys and gals that are friends...
  • 81Katz
    81Katz Posts: 7,074 Member
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    DWBalboa wrote: »
    Most of all my old friends are dead. The few that remain are very dear indeed to me.

    However, I do have newer friends, most of which are good and reliable. I'm pretty careful of the people that I let into my inner circle. But I have had a few that started to become flaky, when that happened I stopped making plans with them. Life is too short for paper friends.

    Yes. I'm over the "lemme see if I've got time" people.
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,325 Member
    edited June 2018
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    fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
    Being in my 40’s you would think one would have an established group of friends by now. I have a group of 4 girlfriends who I love dearly but they flake on me all the time. We all plan things, dinners, activities, weekends away, etc.. and more times than not multiple people bail and I end up sitting home alone. So do you completely write off these people and be friendless or put up with their shenanigans? The easy thing would be to get new friends but that’s extremely difficult when you are in your 40’s and single.

    its a difficult question huh - do I put up w their crap or be alone? I am 58. I am a lone wolf - not because its my preference but because I don't want to put up w opc - other peoples crap - if they are not "there for you" do you really have anything to cut loose. I put my comings and goings out there - ill be there love it if you would join me - people say O YEAH COOL and then simply do not show up. I started w a "friend" joining me at the gym (me 35 years her 1m) she quit...after 1.5 months. ugh. If I stayed home simply because others flaked out...I would have had no life experience, I learned young to be brave - YOU MAY GO ALONE - BUT GO!
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    All my friends are straws.
  • striderb
    striderb Posts: 5,845 Member
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    Don't I wish. Oh wait.
  • 43501
    43501 Posts: 85 Member
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    fastfoodietofitcutie wrote: »
    Being in my 40’s you would think one would have an established group of friends by now. I have a group of 4 girlfriends who I love dearly but they flake on me all the time. We all plan things, dinners, activities, weekends away, etc.. and more times than not multiple people bail and I end up sitting home alone. So do you completely write off these people and be friendless or put up with their shenanigans? The easy thing would be to get new friends but that’s extremely difficult when you are in your 40’s and single.

    I'm 26 and I literally have no friends. I get all my social needs from my spouse and my coworkers, I guess. When I go out it's alone or with my husband, but mostly I stay at home, especially since it's winter in my hemisphere and too cold to do much outdoors.

    The few times I had something resembling a "friend circle" it was through my husband and it was the same as you described. They were super unreliable about everything and would make grandiose plans about stuff and then either never follow through with further planning (i.e. "we should do x!" then nobody actually organizes) or if something got organized, 90% of people would bail out earlier on the same day. Three different groups over the years and they were ALL like that.

    I can't stand it. I'm a thorough person. If I RSVP to something, I'm going, unless I legitimately get sick or something. If I put forth the labor (and sometimes, money) to organize something, I feel like going postal when 90% of the attendants drop out with a few hours warning. ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR AND IT'S NON REFUNDABLE.

    Anyway people are overrated and *kitten*, you're doing just fine.
  • kbmnurse1
    kbmnurse1 Posts: 316 Member
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    I got rid of all friends that were toxic. Bye-bye.
  • pudgy1977
    pudgy1977 Posts: 13,499 Member
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    I have an amazing group of friends! I am the only single one and that sometimes gets in the way, but the fact of their friendship is never a question.
  • funjen1972
    funjen1972 Posts: 949 Member
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    40's and single??? Get out there and do something *gulp* by yourself. You won't be alone for long. There is no sense in waiting for your friends to live your life. Experience things, take a risk, make a memory.

    Sincerely,
    An awesome 40's and single lady
  • Misty_1375
    Misty_1375 Posts: 759 Member
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    We should all just be friends and say heck with all the other friends who suck! 😊
  • como_agua
    como_agua Posts: 213 Member
    edited June 2018
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    i had two friends ghost me after i found out i had cancer. after 12 years of friendship with both of them!!! it gutted me, but in a positive way, completely made me change my whole concept of friendship. one of them had cancer years ago, and i drove her to her chemo sessions! seriously. i have true friends who i can count on, on one hand. but my family is where it's at.
  • como_agua
    como_agua Posts: 213 Member
    edited June 2018
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    laprimaJenny wrote: »
    What I don’t get with friendships is how people lack the understanding of what I consider unknown simple rules of educate. For example, if I invite you over three times in a row, how can you not feel the need to invite me back?!

    Jenny - my friends understand my family situation *ie nobody in my family is very social except for me - our family circle is just the four of us* - so i prefer to go to a restaurant, out for a walk, or their place *i'm married and all my friends are divorced* and i always bring something over. i always tell them how much i appreciate seeing them, and coming to their place. every situation is different. i appreciate my girlfriends immensely!

    if i were coming over to your place, you can bet i'd bring a bag full of food and Prosecco! :) cin cin Bella. if you feel you are being taken advantage of - perhaps ask why there's no reciprocity going on? perhaps there is room for some kind of compromise or discussion? xo

  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
    edited June 2018
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    laprimaJenny wrote: »
    newmeadow wrote: »
    laprimaJenny wrote: »
    What I don’t get with friendships is how people lack the understanding of what I consider unknown simple rules of educate. For example, if I invite you over three times in a row, how can you not feel the need to invite me back?!

    I can answer this one. You probably have a beautiful, multi roomed, single family, private well kept home that you own. If your friends rent apartments (I know, they probably don't), lots of times renters, especially if they rent in not-so-great areas and the apartment is smallish - would prefer to visit in private homes with plenty of space. And most homeowners would agree it's the most comfortable arrangement for all. The visitor can reciprocate by inviting you to a restaurant or coffee shop and invite your kids too, or they can cook something and bring it over.

    You are right about one thing. I have a extremely tidy decent sized home. I’m also a great hostess or so I’ve been told. With that being said, I don’t care if my friends have a unkept messy bachelorette pad. Without reciprocity, it leads to a one sided friendship. It’s hard to explain that because that puts expectations on the relationship. I hate basing my relationships on expectations because I choose friendships based on connection. Yet with that being said, is there a real connection if you feel it’s merely one sided?!

    You actually sound like a fair minded, down to earth and understanding friend. My (former) homeowner friends wouldn't be caught dead hanging out in some crappy urban apartment building 45 minutes away without private parking spaces. I learned this about them and it was confirmed. My one and only friend these days is a renter who lives 5 people to a small two bedroom apartment a half hour away from me. She'll come here anytime and I reciprocate. I really love her for it and she feels the same way about me. I would hesitate to get close to homeowner friends again, unless they agreed to come over to my apartment fairly soon into the friendship.

    I think this is a really interesting turn the conversation has taken! I am a homeowner, but my house is fairly smallish and not kid-proofed at all. Most of my friends either have very small apartments that are a bit messy or they have big houses with huge fenced yards and plenty of kid friendly spaces/activities. I don't mind going to any of their homes, messy or not...I could care less! But by default, we end up at one of 2 of the bigger kid-friendly houses in convenient locations, whether kids are present or not. When and if friends bring their kids to my house, there's NOTHING for them to do and I wind up having to drag out art supplies to entertain them. I don't mind, but it's exhausting.

    I rarely have friends over to my place unless it's a couple and my husband is friends with the husband, too, and we can have JUST four of us with a nice adult dinner. I'd honestly feel weird inviting a "newer" female friend over because my husband is always at home, he works from home and aside from going out biking or running he is pretty much always there and there wouldn't be a lot of privacy for us to talk...he's cordial enough, but I hate feeling like I'm ignoring him all evening so I'd generally rather hang out in a cafe, bar, or something else public, if getting together with a friend/friends for more of a "girls night".

    I do think there are ways that non-hosting friends can show appreciation though, by bringing something to the table (including literally). Last week one of my closest friends hosted a "nicer" pot luck in her home and I brought a bottle of prosecco, from-scratch dessert and some eco-friendly table wares. Sometimes at the holidays I'll even plan and co-host events with her. I don't say this just to defend myself for not inviting everyone over at once, but because I think there are a lot of different arrangements that can work.
  • como_agua
    como_agua Posts: 213 Member
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    newmeadow wrote: »
    como_agua wrote: »
    i had two friends ghost me after i found out i had cancer. after 12 years of friendship with both of them!!! it gutted me, but in a positive way, completely made me change my whole concept of friendship. one of them had cancer years ago, and i drove her to her chemo sessions! seriously. i have true friends who i can count on, on one hand. but my family is where it's at.

    It wasn't until I started working in nursing that I found out how often this happens. And after all these years it never ceases to shock me. I'm really sorry this happened to you and it must have been one of the most ardent tests you've ever been put through.

    Yeah people are scared to death of other people's cancer and refuse to face up to it. It reminds them of their own mortality and most people run from that as fast as they can. That's the reason why they abandon the sick. They'll have every excuse in the book on hand to explain why they did that to a cancer stricken friend if they ever get called out on it. It's pure cowardice.

    Unfortunately, family members do it to each other too when cancer or some other catastrophic disease or health condition comes calling. Adult sons and daughters do it to their aging parents all the time and brothers to sisters, sisters to brothers. Only in one instance did I ever see parents abandon a terminally ill adult daughter. (I'm not saying you're terminally ill OP, just referencing this particular scenario that I witnessed.) Parents will usually stick by their kids, including grown kids, no matter what - when serious illness takes place.

    I'm so glad you have a family you can count on. Thank God for the few good people in the world. And I hope in the years to come you meet many more of them because you sound like a very excellent lady.

    @newmeadow
    thanks for your wisdom and experience on this topic. it's interesting to see this is a pretty common phenomenon. i don't know how excellent i am, but i always considered and still do consider myself a loyal and loving friend. life is a learning process, and as much as it sucks sometimes, it's very eye opening and beautiful. :)

    you get big props for being a nurse, Lady. it's not an easy profession. i'm sure you value life infinitely more than the average bear. thanks again for your response!
  • toned_thugs_n_harmony
    toned_thugs_n_harmony Posts: 1,001 Member
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    Mez79p wrote: »
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 39 single & have 4 friends & all single (3 are 39) too. 3(girls) of them have some sort of anxiety problems, they're always bailing on me. I'm lucky if I can get a chance to have an afternoon coffee with them on a Sunday afternoon if they don't get a panic attack. The other feels like he only wants to catchup when a blockbuster movie is out (so not too much catch up there.
    I found that going to the gym has helped me find new friends. Mind you it has been a slow process (about 2 years). I've slowly gotten to know these people found out we're all there with similar goals. We've finally gone on some charity events a couple of dinners and planning on going on some fun runs.
    Do you have any interests or hobbies or sports? Maybe by attending cooking/ language classes or crafts or even the gym for example, you might come across people with the same interests (well I at least you're both there doing the same activity ) & hopefully make new friends.

    I feel your pain, it can get pretty lonely flying solo.

    All my female friends are the same. They always back out and cancel plans due to their anxiety. I know anxiety is real, but I feel many use it as an excuse honestly. This is why 90% of my friends are males. They’re much more reliable.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,742 Member
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    toned_thugs_n_harmony wrote: »
    Mez79p wrote: »
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 39 single & have 4 friends & all single (3 are 39) too. 3(girls) of them have some sort of anxiety problems, they're always bailing on me. I'm lucky if I can get a chance to have an afternoon coffee with them on a Sunday afternoon if they don't get a panic attack. The other feels like he only wants to catchup when a blockbuster movie is out (so not too much catch up there.
    I found that going to the gym has helped me find new friends. Mind you it has been a slow process (about 2 years). I've slowly gotten to know these people found out we're all there with similar goals. We've finally gone on some charity events a couple of dinners and planning on going on some fun runs.
    Do you have any interests or hobbies or sports? Maybe by attending cooking/ language classes or crafts or even the gym for example, you might come across people with the same interests (well I at least you're both there doing the same activity ) & hopefully make new friends.

    I feel your pain, it can get pretty lonely flying solo.

    All my female friends are the same. They always back out and cancel plans due to their anxiety. I know anxiety is real, but I feel many use it as an excuse honestly. This is why 90% of my friends are males. They’re much more reliable.

    Anxiety and other mental health issues take a lot of forms, I know. But I think it's interesting that I have generalized anxiety disorder (since early childhood) and honestly never cancel plans. I do have a few friends who often cancel due to their depression and/or anxiety and unfortunately most of them have been only on the periphery for years now or have become more like acquaintances as the years pass. I think some people have legitimate issues and others really do use it only as an excuse for being tired, lazy, etc. I have known a few who are definitely just blowing others off.
  • slessofme
    slessofme Posts: 7,739 Member
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    seltzermint555 wrote: »
    toned_thugs_n_harmony wrote: »
    Mez79p wrote: »
    I know exactly how you feel. I'm 39 single & have 4 friends & all single (3 are 39) too. 3(girls) of them have some sort of anxiety problems, they're always bailing on me. I'm lucky if I can get a chance to have an afternoon coffee with them on a Sunday afternoon if they don't get a panic attack. The other feels like he only wants to catchup when a blockbuster movie is out (so not too much catch up there.
    I found that going to the gym has helped me find new friends. Mind you it has been a slow process (about 2 years). I've slowly gotten to know these people found out we're all there with similar goals. We've finally gone on some charity events a couple of dinners and planning on going on some fun runs.
    Do you have any interests or hobbies or sports? Maybe by attending cooking/ language classes or crafts or even the gym for example, you might come across people with the same interests (well I at least you're both there doing the same activity ) & hopefully make new friends.

    I feel your pain, it can get pretty lonely flying solo.

    All my female friends are the same. They always back out and cancel plans due to their anxiety. I know anxiety is real, but I feel many use it as an excuse honestly. This is why 90% of my friends are males. They’re much more reliable.

    Anxiety and other mental health issues take a lot of forms, I know. But I think it's interesting that I have generalized anxiety disorder (since early childhood) and honestly never cancel plans. I do have a few friends who often cancel due to their depression and/or anxiety and unfortunately most of them have been only on the periphery for years now or have become more like acquaintances as the years pass. I think some people have legitimate issues and others really do use it only as an excuse for being tired, lazy, etc. I have known a few who are definitely just blowing others off.

    Agreed. I also have anxiety, including significant social anxiety, but I only cancel for true illness. In my mind it's how I express to my friends that I care and enjoy spending time with them enough that I'm willing to try to get a grasp on my *kitten*.

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