What nobody tells you about losing weight

That you'll fit between cars in the parking lot.

Idk, I might have said this before, but I re-experienced it yesterday as I was leaving work. I park p. faraway so that I have to walk (given how sedentary my job is, I try to find lots of ways to increase my activity). So I'm walking, thinking about random things when I come upon two cars parked side by side. Not an unusual event to find in a parking lot, but I stopped and stared at their mirrors.

I was flummoxed. "Will I fit?" I considered, thoughtfully. "Nah, I won't fit." But then, the idea of walking around the cars was less inviting. Plus, it wasn't like I was staring at the last two cars in the parking garage. These traps lay everywhere! As if people actually just parked in spots and didn't think about someone spending an entire internal monologue of the pros and cons of trying to squeeze through.

I hemmed. I hawed. I thought of all the twists and turns I could make to make myself smaller.

I was like. "Okay, self. Think thin." The car mirrors were like bear traps waiting to get me. There was room between them, but surely not for me. Surely I'd have to turn sideways, suck in the rubber ducky and pray that I didn't make a colossal mistake.

But then, right when I should have turned, I said, "THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND SELF, BLAZE THROUGH. SEE WHAT HAPPENS. THE WORST IS EMBARRASSMENT. THEY WON'T BITE YOU." Maybe, I muttered. Maybe, but I did it anyway.

Lo and behold, I'm going through this trap that promises self-recrimination later and I'm like "YES!" I FEEL AWESOME.

And then...

And then, I get stuck. My first thought was "HOW EMBARRASSING, I CAN'T FIT THROUGH WHAT DID I THINK OMG, IS ANYONE LOOKING."

Until I noticed that my body was through the mirrors, but... but it was... my backpack didn't fit. My backpack was the problem here.

There I was, proverbially flapping in the breeze because what downed me was my backpack. I backed up, shrugged off the backpack, and skipped my way through the mirrors and onwards towards my car.

It was then that I connected the dots and realized that my backpack was now, officially, wider than me.

So yeah, no one told me I'd have a lengthy and ponderous internal discussion on the merits of trying to squeeze through two parked cars. But hey! I did it!

...that half of your friends will treat you like you have an eating disorder. The ‘caring advice’ is going to make me bite someone.

I reached a BMI under 25 recently (let there just be a short pause here for bells, streamers, ticker-tape parades etc) and am moving into maintenance. I decided to underestimate slightly on my maintenance calories because a) I don’t track my tea and coffee (CAFFEINE IS LIFE so I never want to be in a position of having to decide I can’t afford the calories!) and b) I’d rather lose a little more and not be rammed against the top of the ‘normal’ category than gain a little and become overweight again.

I made the mistake of a quickie post on FB (mostly about eating an iced bun) and suddenly everyone is telling me that my base calorie amount isn’t enough and I need to fuel my exercise (guys, I add my exercise on top, that is why I call this my ‘base’ amount), that my arithmetic ‘sucks’ and I’m undereating (and yet being strangely unable to pinpoint how my arithmetic sucks), repeating the point about exercise even after I’ve clarified about eating back, and then after I’ve demonstrated how all their concerns are unfounded still telling me I shouldn’t be using a calorie underestimate and giving me concerned and patronising advice about losing muscle mass etc...

WHAT EVEN IS THIS, GUYS?! I’ve lost 16 stone and gained some muscle without any health issues; I clearly know how this works! Are you really concerned that I might have an eating disorder? Or is this really about your own insecurities?

@ceiswyn I agree. I think people freak out when they think someone else making changes means they will have to make changes as well.
Their protests are about them, not you.

That said- social media is a tough one for people who are used to be open. There will be naysayers everywhere but they seem to flock to Facebook... or anywhere else they can leave comments.

mamasara2 wrote: »

@ceiswyn I agree. I think people freak out when they think someone else making changes means they will have to make changes as well.
Their protests are about them, not you.

That's my conclusion as well. While I know that my friends are genuinely happy for me, I also think some of them are having real difficulty adjusting to 'the fat one' now being smaller than them. I guess that assuming I'm bordering on eating disorder territory is a way of avoiding that feeling as if they need to make changes. And friendly concern is a good look

I do respect the friend who approached me with her worries a year ago, directly, and has not done so since or attempted to give me advice although I can tell that she is still concerned. I am happy to reassure her because her actions are telling me that her care for me is genuine and also that she respects my judgement. Everyone who only became concerned when I started to dip below their weight, and gives me 'helpful' advice that assumes I don't understand basic CICO or arithmetic, can get in the sea.

(I mean, only temporarily, because they're my friends and this is just one thing. But still. The sea )

ceiswyn wrote: »

That's my conclusion as well. While I know that my friends are genuinely happy for me, I also think some of them are having real difficulty adjusting to 'the fat one' now being smaller than them. I guess that assuming I'm bordering on eating disorder territory is a way of avoiding that feeling as if they need to make changes. And friendly concern is a good look

My friends have been a mixed bag as well, which really surprised me. One has been extremely supportive and outspoken. Whenever she compliments me, she says how "healthy" I look, not "skinny" which I appreciate dearly because in my mind, "skinny" is not a word that describes me. I've had other friends try to talk me down from my end goal and they scoff when I tell them I have another 25lbs to lose. I'm shooting for the high end of a normal BMI, so I don't feel like my expectations are too wild and crazy to deserve any kind of criticism. It's always interesting to see how everyone has an opinion, whether it be good or bad!

I think it’s hard to see how much we change over the months when we’ve had a substantial weight loss. After all, we see ourselves every day for routine things like showering, etc, but I don’t think we sometimes “see” ourselves (if that makes sense). I know I don’t, I see what I’m used to seeing.
Yesterday, I was out shopping/errands and met my husband for tea at Starbucks (he works here in town) He looked at me from across the table and said that I really do look much smaller and people we haven’t seen in a while would be very surprised. Now, he also sees me every day, obviously, but there it was.

motivatedmartha wrote: »

It sounds weird but I often ask my husband if I am the same size and shape as ladies we are passing (sounds a bit judgmental - but honestly the only person I am trying to judge is me!!

I can so relate to this. I constantly look at other women trying to figure out if I am that size, bigger, or smaller. It does me no good to do this but of course I still do it.

motivatedmartha wrote: »

That I would have so much trouble understanding what I now look like. I know lots have people have talked about how they still see themselves as big and I guess that is in part what I mean. But I really cannot picture what I look like at all - even when looking in the mirror! I started out as a UK s22 although I hadn't been at that weight very long and still thought of myself as a s18 with big boobs - hence the need for a 22. Now I am a UK 16 and I cannot picture what that looks like. It sounds weird but I often ask my husband if I am the same size and shape as ladies we are passing (sounds a bit judgmental - but honestly the only person I am trying to judge is me!! Sometimes when I am feeling slim - you know those days, you can feel your hips and are feeling lean and hungry? - I underestimate my size but most of the time I overestimate it. Photos don't really help me - I have VERY few photos of myself big and when I look at current photos, while my family are telling me I look quite slim (or at least normal), to me I still look huge! I guess I will eventually be able to picture my body shape but I suspect it will be a while.
Meanwhile I will persist - one day I will look trim and nice in a summer frock! Happy Thursday all!

This. I was actually going to post a status today on my Adventures in Theoretical Arguments with the Lying Mirror on my wall today.

I have a lot of the same issues. As a child, I was thin. As a teenager, I was still thin. I hit college, went through it fairly thin until I didn't have money for food and too much darn pride to shake a stick at that prohibited me for asking for help. Thus, when I had access to food after months of eating half-servings of malt-o-meal, I went a little hog wild. And gained.

Anyway, this story isn't about how I gained and then lost. This story is about how my eyes deceive me and tell me lies. The mirror isn't truly at fault (though I think she's in league with the dragons of my life to make it HARDER to see the changes). I have lost so much weight and I am in a vastly different size, but I don't see the changes. I've maintained the bulk of my weight loss (~5 years) long enough that I do see myself smaller than when I started, but the fact that I can still see a strangely disproportionate version of me has me doing all sorts of gymnastics to see how the darn pants fit. Hanging on the hanger, I'm like "WOW SO SMALL, I FIT IN THIS?" and when I put them bad boys on, "OH MAN THESE STRETCHED. UGH ALL OF ME IS UGH!"

I am totally a stalker of rando strangers. I'll be like walking down the sidewalk and see a lady and I'll go, "AM I LIKE HER?!" or to another, "SHE'S LIKE ME MAYBE!!" I get real excited if I see someone of a similar body to me, until I realize, "Wait that's not me."

But is it?

The mirror is this she-beast that doesn't seem to be able to tell the truth or maybe it is that I do not understand the truth? It is difficult to have such disparate views of yourself. To one minute feel like you're amazing and slender and to another look at yourself and wonder how you ever thought the first way. Sometimes, I'll use my pictures but I'll cut off my head to take the ME out of the picture. Or maybe I'll try to paste on some rando person's head to get the ME out of the way. Because, the way I look at other ladies and the way I look at myself is like night and day.

I admire other ladies, but I'm constantly trying to find a paper cut-out version of me that I can reassure myself with. Like a baby blanket. Something that says, "Please be me. Please tell me that I truly have made progress. Please let me be like her. If only I were like her, then I'd know I'd made progress."

My husband looks at me like I've taken a spin around the crazy block, but he puts up with me and my crazy "ARE YOU SURE I LOOK GOOD. MY PUDGE AIN'T STICKING OUT IS IT?!" demands. He tells me the truth, but do I believe him?

I don't know. So @motivatedmartha, your post resonates deeply with me. Because this morning as I was doing the "Lordy, I got home after 1 am, but now I'm going back to work by 9 am" jig, I was like, "Dang, my jelly butt has stretched these pants out because they're getting loose."

In my mind, it is never that maybe, just maybe, they're loose because I'm smaller.

But yeah. I'm totally a rando female crazy stalker constantly wondering where I fit in the scale of body shapes. I can't see mine either. It's there, and I hope someday the Fog of Disbelief will lift and I'll feel like I know my shape. We shall see! I've still got a ways to go yet.

Body dysmorphia... the struggle is real, yo.

motivatedmartha wrote: »

@dhiammarath If you are not a writer your darn well should be! You have a wonderful knack of taking what I feel and expressing it so precisely with so much funniness!!
By this stage of the game I can probably trust my husband to tell me the truth - if he knows the truth may be tough listening I kind of get look that says the 'Oh sh1t - I can't say this for real so maybe I'll just do the noncommittal face and say you look okaaay - or worse - it's fine'. Or 'What's wrong with the other trousers - I like those'

We just have to keep telling ourselves that we are doing great and will get there!! AND WE WILL

I am actually aspiring to be -- but it's taken a backseat to my day job, lol. I'm glad you enjoyed these travails into the dark thoughts of the hidden secrets of weight loss. It's better to laugh than cry, I say!

Everyone here, you're all fabulous. Remember that when the devices around us try to tell us otherwise!

Nobody told me there’s a possibility of a waist gap. I mean, I just stood straight in front of the mirror with my hands hanging to my sides, and I saw the back wall from the gap between my arms and my waist/below-the-bust. Sure, the gap might disappear when my lower half catches up and gets slimmer, but so far this is an entirely new thing.