Envy Problems
braewe
Posts: 22 Member
I just started this week and thus far have kept to my goals. I have started with another who is losing weight with me, but they have not got as much to lose (I'm trying for 100 lbs, will see what goals are there, from what what I remember in my Air Force days at 120 I still had some flab and I started the week at 245.)
Anyway, I was relaying my dinner plans for grilled chicken and asparagus with lemon pepper(and yes it was good) but my buddy responded with her day, which included a breakfast out at Denny's and lunch at this new place. 'I'm sooo fullll' she moans. And I'm soooo envious. I've resolved, you see, to just make everything at home, since my willpower when out is utterly and completely and entirely nonexistent. (appetizer? SURE! Ranch on the side? You bet! Did you want to upgrade? Why not!)
She says it's her cheat day but if I went out, my cheat day would probably ruin an entire week, so I won't, but that feeling is still there of 'I wanna I wanna I wanna'
Anyway, I was relaying my dinner plans for grilled chicken and asparagus with lemon pepper(and yes it was good) but my buddy responded with her day, which included a breakfast out at Denny's and lunch at this new place. 'I'm sooo fullll' she moans. And I'm soooo envious. I've resolved, you see, to just make everything at home, since my willpower when out is utterly and completely and entirely nonexistent. (appetizer? SURE! Ranch on the side? You bet! Did you want to upgrade? Why not!)
She says it's her cheat day but if I went out, my cheat day would probably ruin an entire week, so I won't, but that feeling is still there of 'I wanna I wanna I wanna'
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Replies
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Could you try going to one of those places and try portion controlling and tracking a meal, within your deficit?3
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When I go out I look at the menu (and nutritional information) on line and decide what I'm having. When I get there, I don't look at the menu. You've both only just started. You don't know what her results will be at this point. Comparing yourself to others can be soul crushing, so keep your eyes on your own plate.5
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I don't have dedicated cheat meals, but I do have days where I go out. What helps is to look at the menu beforehand, decide exactly what you want to eat, then go out and eat that and nothing more. It doesn't even have to be a low calories meal. I just go for anything that sounds really good to me, even if it includes appetizer and ranch on the side. I log that before going, see what the calorie impact is, and see what can be done about it.
Example: The last time I went out I looked at the menu in advance and decided I wanted mushroom and spinach cannelloni (about 600 calories), bruschetta split with my sister (about 150 calories for half an order), pannacotta (about 200 calories), and diet 7up. Total: roughly 950 calories.
My daily calories are 1500 before exercise. That dinner would leave me with about 550 calories for the day. I could have gone up to maintenance if the calories were higher, but I decided they weren't high enough to justify it. I could have skipped a meal like I do sometimes and it would have been fine, but I was hungry that day and decided to earn extra calories through activity. I exercised for 400 calories (2 walking sessions instead of one) which gave me a total of about 950 calories for breakfast and lunch. I had my day out, enjoyed it, and it was just a regular diet day. I didn't even need to make calorie exceptions.
If the calories for my planned foods were too high for comfort, say 2000+ calories (it sometimes happens when we decide for a longer day out including a movie, dinner, and coffee shop), I would have just opted for a maintenance day with or without skipping meals. For even larger calorie investments, it may take as much as saving calories in advance for a few days, having a maintenance day, walking more or having my long run day on that day, and skipping meals all at once. This happens rarely, but it's good to have a game plan for when it happens. For longer anticipated higher calorie periods (and I know this wouldn't be comfortable for many people) I plan a small gain. For example, during the holidays I have about 3 weeks of constant family events and access to high calorie foods, so I plan a gain of 3 pounds for that period eating 500 calories over maintenance. Nothing that can't be re-lost within a month.10 -
What if it is your envy that makes your cheat day into a cheat week? "Eyes on your own plate!"6
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1) comparrison is the thief of joy
2) you're never going to eat at a restaurant ever again? Why not try learning moderation as you lose weight?8 -
You’ve discovered the problem with the weight loss buddy system. I think WL Support is a myth. Best support I’ve found aside from my wife, is on message boards where we don’t actually know each other. BTW, my wife supports me, but is not involved in the nitty gritty of my planning or decision making.
Weight loss is a solitary pursuit because so much of it takes place in our own heads. We are all different, even from our best friends.12 -
Thanks! I think I will try the 'look at the menu before going' idea. And I guess I hadn't planned far enough ahead for 'never' eating out.
I also hadn't considered the budgeting for a splurge, by extra activity or saving. I didn't even know you COULD 'save' I thought each day was just, each day.1 -
Thanks! I think I will try the 'look at the menu before going' idea. And I guess I hadn't planned far enough ahead for 'never' eating out.
I also hadn't considered the budgeting for a splurge, by extra activity or saving. I didn't even know you COULD 'save' I thought each day was just, each day.
Some people look at the week as a total, having high and low days. They all even out in the end. After a higher calorie day, it's not uncommon to have the scale read a bit higher. That's a combination of water and extra waste, not fat. So don't allow that to shock you.2 -
i struggle with this and am currently regaining so depending how you look at it im either someone perfect to understand this...or totally unqualified to answer anymore lol. BUT i did lose 110 so i feel qualified. When losing and i saw everyone i know going drinking and eating and stuff...I tried to get into the mindset of screw jealousy, I put the effort into making my food something i like. And i was gaining fitness and health and smaller clothing and higher confidence. While still eating yummy food. Sure, It was different foods, But i was gaining alot more by not going out to dennys for monster plates of pancakes (often) then id of gained in the hour id spend going. Or not havign to feel bad about going out drinking and all the inevitable drunk food id eat. Id have more time feeling happier when i stayed on course to what i wanted. Whether that meant ordering some awesome burger for example but with a side salad, Or just going out drinking on nights when i know something fun and special is planned vs just dirty club dancing and winging it. Its a balancing act but overall aslong as you make more good choices you stay on the happier side of the line and feel overall beter. Just focus on being the happy middle ground you and you wont need to feel envy.2
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You’ve discovered the problem with the weight loss buddy system. I think WL Support is a myth. Best support I’ve found aside from my wife, is on message boards where we don’t actually know each other. BTW, my wife supports me, but is not involved in the nitty gritty of my planning or decision making.
Weight loss is a solitary pursuit because so much of it takes place in our own heads. We are all different, even from our best friends.
I agree with this. Weight loss has always been a very private pursuit for me. In fact, it's rather annoying in a way when the results become obvious enough for others to notice and comment.
My husband is my biggest supporter and helps me by weighing things when he cooks, running menus by me, and letting me pick where we eat out if I have a preference based on my needs for the day. Beyond that, I'm much happier keeping myself to myself other than here, where we're all more or less going through or have been through similar situations.
I agree 100% with looking up menus online and choosing before you go. With a significant amount of weight to lose (or even if it wasn't) committing to making every scrap of food you'll eat at home just isn't realistic. You need to develop the necessary skills to adjust on the fly and not allow yourself to be derailed by something as simple as a dinner out with friends.3 -
Like others have mentioned...restaurants are a part of life for many of us so somehow we need to be able to manage eating out. I know it sounds silly, but often when I do go out and opt for the salad (even though I want the fettucine alfredo!) I take a moment to savor the atmosphere, the company, the break from cooking/cleanup/dishes. I try to remind myself that it's just as much the experience as the food. It helps, both in the moment because I'm feeling good about the time I had and not bad about the food I ate, and also in the long run because my expectations for going out shift away from the exclusive focus on food.
I don't have much experience with the buddy system. I'm thinking workout buddies may be more effective than "diet" buddies unless you're a solitary type like me! In the end, find your own way by focusing on what you need to do, what works for you and what makes you feel supported. There is definitely no "one size fits all" when it comes to this journey!0 -
Eyes on the prize not on a temporary fix that will have you hating yourself after!
Do you not see YOURSELF healthier. feeling good about yourself and your decisions???
You should feel superior to your friend and her cheat meals which will get her nowhere!
Temporary fixes is what got you in the fix you are in now! Jealous of her overeating at Dennys?! Phhhhhphht!!!
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I think you're an amazing and super strong person. You can count one ONE hand the amount of people willing to ADMIT a seemingly "it's okay and it's "normal" cause everybody does it" issue/problem/FAULT of yours--but for you to have the understanding that "envy" is not only wrong, it's the "gateway" to a whole lotta other serious issues that can/will cause character problems and relational problem and just jack you up in so many ways. BRAVO to you to seek help/advice on this again, seemingly normal problem. Envy is so NOT normal and don't DARE accept it as "normal" and always KNOW it's a CHOICE of y/ours, period. MAKE yourself see envy for the "monster" it truly is!
You just got started and it's going to take some TIME and trial and error to get into a new "rhythm" of what works and doesn't work for you. It took probably many years to get to the weight you're at and it's going to take time to get it off, period. You're going to face MANY issues like you're facing and these things are designed to help make you stronger and stronger. Again, just posting this (in my eyes) shows that you're ARE already getting stronger, by recognizing "thoughts and feelings" inside you that are counter-productive and designed to keep you from achieving your goals. Kick that envy in the face by doing exactly the opposite of what that "envy" is deceiving you with. Give that friend a big ole high five and genuinely MAKE yourself be happy for her, then tell yourself/that envy that you've only just begun and once you get a handle on things, you'll be ready, willing and able to do similar things.
BOOM! That's how you handle
envy --with seeing it AND calling it out as the destructive force/spirit and ENEMY of your progress it truly is and then utterly and completely REJECTING it as the loser and again exposing it and NOT giving in to it/allowing it/giving "FREE place to it in your thoughts/mind/life. REFUSE to "allow" it to "live" in your heart/mind another second! KILL it with gladness for your friend and watch "it" (envy) die a slow and painful death in your heart and mind! 3 -
I like these forums already. Never even thought of swapping things around to the 'I stuck to it and she didn't' although I want her to succeed too...2
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Like others have mentioned...restaurants are a part of life for many of us so somehow we need to be able to manage eating out. I know it sounds silly, but often when I do go out and opt for the salad (even though I want the fettucine alfredo!) I take a moment to savor the atmosphere, the company, the break from cooking/cleanup/dishes. I try to remind myself that it's just as much the experience as the food. It helps, both in the moment because I'm feeling good about the time I had and not bad about the food I ate, and also in the long run because my expectations for going out shift away from the exclusive focus on food.
I don't have much experience with the buddy system. I'm thinking workout buddies may be more effective than "diet" buddies unless you're a solitary type like me! In the end, find your own way by focusing on what you need to do, what works for you and what makes you feel supported. There is definitely no "one size fits all" when it comes to this journey!
I don't think it's silly at all. If you go out often, jigsawing your calories can become a drag. I don't go out often, so every time I do it's special and food is part of it. If it were something I did often, I too would opt for a lower calorie option I like. Knowing I have the option of a higher calorie meal doesn't mean I should always get it. Choosing to have something lower in calories is an absolutely valid option. The only time it's a problem is when you restrict out of fear and anxiety not out of choice.0 -
You’ve discovered the problem with the weight loss buddy system. I think WL Support is a myth. Best support I’ve found aside from my wife, is on message boards where we don’t actually know each other. BTW, my wife supports me, but is not involved in the nitty gritty of my planning or decision making.
Weight loss is a solitary pursuit because so much of it takes place in our own heads. We are all different, even from our best friends.
This is so true! I don’t even like discussing dietary habits outside of here. Too many well meaning friends and family have their own ideas of what’s best for me when they should be looking at their own situations first.2 -
Always see what you eat as what you CAN have...not what you CANNOT!
Research what you can have as you start logging...its kind of fun! Put in Dennys for the heck of it and you will see everything they have on menu! You do not have to sit in a closet with a chicken breast and broccoli.
You just have to be clever with substitutions!
Make it work for YOU!
By the way you can have chicken breast and broccoli if you really like it.
You are not on a DIET! You are changing your lifestyle!1 -
Fortunately for me I DO like chicken and broccoli. And asparagus and brussel sprouts and cauliflower. Buuuuuut I also like most of these with those oh so rich and yummy sauces. Still experimenting with healthier but still yummy alternatives. I grew this large, I think, by just eating too much of everything. I also went from a rigorous exercise regime (swam oodles of laps every day before my shift in the Air Force) and when I had my children I just ... stopped. The kiddos are grown now but I've never returned to exercising. Beginning to get arthritis so knees/ankles/joints really do NOT take to running.
Starting a slowish walking program now just to get moving, and digging out the weights to work those in.1 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »Thanks! I think I will try the 'look at the menu before going' idea. And I guess I hadn't planned far enough ahead for 'never' eating out.
I also hadn't considered the budgeting for a splurge, by extra activity or saving. I didn't even know you COULD 'save' I thought each day was just, each day.
Some people look at the week as a total, having high and low days. They all even out in the end. After a higher calorie day, it's not uncommon to have the scale read a bit higher. That's a combination of water and extra waste, not fat. So don't allow that to shock you.
Good strategy there. I have a daily calorie target, but really pay attention to the weekly totals. That lets me fit in a restaurant visit or drinks or eat a treat meal without blowing the whole program. Had a party with some old friends Friday night - was over my daily target but will not exceed the weekly allowance. Keep working on this and checking here for advice and you will figure out something that will work for you.
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Fortunately for me I DO like chicken and broccoli. And asparagus and brussel sprouts and cauliflower. Buuuuuut I also like most of these with those oh so rich and yummy sauces. Still experimenting with healthier but still yummy alternatives. I grew this large, I think, by just eating too much of everything. I also went from a rigorous exercise regime (swam oodles of laps every day before my shift in the Air Force) and when I had my children I just ... stopped. The kiddos are grown now but I've never returned to exercising. Beginning to get arthritis so knees/ankles/joints really do NOT take to running.
Starting a slowish walking program now just to get moving, and digging out the weights to work those in.
Well you are well on your way......get rid of the envy though!0 -
I have the envy problem too. Someone up there said "you have found the problem with the buddy system"... I have. My husband only needs to lose 65 lbs I want to lose 85. He gets almost 2300 a day, I only get 1400. When we go on a four hour hike his Garmin gives him 1300 extra calories, mine gives me 1000. So why is being female so bad? Yes, I envy him. He told me last night that he's going to start eating more at lunch so it doesn't look like he gets to eat more than me while we are at home (we are only together at dinner - we both work full time). And while I appreciate the sentiment... I almost wish he hadn't told me.
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I cook mostly and eat out only occasionally...my food is much better than what many restaurants can provide...it's certainly better than anything at Denny's. Your grilled chicken and asparagus sounds much more appetizing to me than anything I can think of at Denny's.0
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ohcobblers wrote: »I have the envy problem too. Someone up there said "you have found the problem with the buddy system"... I have. My husband only needs to lose 65 lbs I want to lose 85. He gets almost 2300 a day, I only get 1400. When we go on a four hour hike his Garmin gives him 1300 extra calories, mine gives me 1000. So why is being female so bad? Yes, I envy him. He told me last night that he's going to start eating more at lunch so it doesn't look like he gets to eat more than me while we are at home (we are only together at dinner - we both work full time). And while I appreciate the sentiment... I almost wish he hadn't told me.
It's all relative though. I cut weight on about 2300-2500 calories and my wife will make comments in regards to how lucky I am...but I'm used to eating 2800-3000 to maintain my weight, so it's just as "painful" for me to cut to 2300-2500 as it is for her to cut from her maintenance of 2300 to 1700/1800.0 -
cwolfman13 wrote: »ohcobblers wrote: »I have the envy problem too. Someone up there said "you have found the problem with the buddy system"... I have. My husband only needs to lose 65 lbs I want to lose 85. He gets almost 2300 a day, I only get 1400. When we go on a four hour hike his Garmin gives him 1300 extra calories, mine gives me 1000. So why is being female so bad? Yes, I envy him. He told me last night that he's going to start eating more at lunch so it doesn't look like he gets to eat more than me while we are at home (we are only together at dinner - we both work full time). And while I appreciate the sentiment... I almost wish he hadn't told me.
It's all relative though. I cut weight on about 2300-2500 calories and my wife will make comments in regards to how lucky I am...but I'm used to eating 2800-3000 to maintain my weight, so it's just as "painful" for me to cut to 2300-2500 as it is for her to cut from her maintenance of 2300 to 1700/1800.
Eh, I'd say yes and no. The lower calorie allowance is definitely more restrictive when it comes to having room to fit in meals out, treats, and the like. Especially at 1400 calories.1 -
cwolfman13 wrote: »ohcobblers wrote: »I have the envy problem too. Someone up there said "you have found the problem with the buddy system"... I have. My husband only needs to lose 65 lbs I want to lose 85. He gets almost 2300 a day, I only get 1400. When we go on a four hour hike his Garmin gives him 1300 extra calories, mine gives me 1000. So why is being female so bad? Yes, I envy him. He told me last night that he's going to start eating more at lunch so it doesn't look like he gets to eat more than me while we are at home (we are only together at dinner - we both work full time). And while I appreciate the sentiment... I almost wish he hadn't told me.
It's all relative though. I cut weight on about 2300-2500 calories and my wife will make comments in regards to how lucky I am...but I'm used to eating 2800-3000 to maintain my weight, so it's just as "painful" for me to cut to 2300-2500 as it is for her to cut from her maintenance of 2300 to 1700/1800.
Eh, I'd say yes and no. The lower calorie allowance is definitely more restrictive when it comes to having room to fit in meals out, treats, and the like. Especially at 1400 calories.
IDK...I have a harder time fitting in treats and meals out when I'm cutting weight. If I do eat out I usually end up having to get something that isn't my first or even second or third choice because I need to keep the calories down. I have to watch the treats too because with 2300-2500 calories I have much less room for proper nutrition and I would just be hungry forgoing my nutrition for more treats. My treat is usually a couple of squares of dark chocolate in the evening for desert when I'm cutting, and that's pretty much it...and even then, it's not always a nightly thing.0 -
cwolfman13 wrote: »cwolfman13 wrote: »ohcobblers wrote: »I have the envy problem too. Someone up there said "you have found the problem with the buddy system"... I have. My husband only needs to lose 65 lbs I want to lose 85. He gets almost 2300 a day, I only get 1400. When we go on a four hour hike his Garmin gives him 1300 extra calories, mine gives me 1000. So why is being female so bad? Yes, I envy him. He told me last night that he's going to start eating more at lunch so it doesn't look like he gets to eat more than me while we are at home (we are only together at dinner - we both work full time). And while I appreciate the sentiment... I almost wish he hadn't told me.
It's all relative though. I cut weight on about 2300-2500 calories and my wife will make comments in regards to how lucky I am...but I'm used to eating 2800-3000 to maintain my weight, so it's just as "painful" for me to cut to 2300-2500 as it is for her to cut from her maintenance of 2300 to 1700/1800.
Eh, I'd say yes and no. The lower calorie allowance is definitely more restrictive when it comes to having room to fit in meals out, treats, and the like. Especially at 1400 calories.
IDK...I have a harder time fitting in treats and meals out when I'm cutting weight. If I do eat out I usually end up having to get something that isn't my first or even second or third choice because I need to keep the calories down. I have to watch the treats too because with 2300-2500 calories I have much less room for proper nutrition and I would just be hungry forgoing my nutrition for more treats. My treat is usually a couple of squares of dark chocolate in the evening for desert when I'm cutting, and that's pretty much it...and even then, it's not always a nightly thing.
Meeting minimums for protein and fat plus a decent amount of micros at 1400 doesn't leave much wiggle room at all. I realize your minimums increase with your calorie level (particularly protein) but it seems like you'd have a bit more space with the increased base calorie level. But I've obviously never been in that situation. Either way, eating in a deficit isn't particularly pleasant for anyone who remotely likes food
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Eyes on the prize... Lol... I think your meal sounds better than Denny's too.0
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I don't eat out a lot, because I hate how much $$ it is. But when I do, I plan for it. It helps to look at the menu and plan the restaurant meal first, then plan your other meals lighter. If you don't want a low calorie option, only eat half of what ever you order (take the rest home for tomorrow).
unless it's something like sub's I usually eat at maintenance on the days I eat out.0 -
I like these forums already. Never even thought of swapping things around to the 'I stuck to it and she didn't' although I want her to succeed too...
I know I shouldn't be saying this, but I often feel luckier than some other dieters. I get the freedom to choose to eat out whenever I want without deviating from my diet (instead of putting my life on hold and holding my breath for that once a week cheat meal), and I also get to be in control enough to comfortably choose not eat out most of the time without feeling deprived because I know it's always an option whenever I need it (instead of pouncing at the chance out of deprivation). Keep at it. With time and experience, it does get easier.2
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