127 lbs lost, yet still a failure

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  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    You don't really talk about friends or having hobbies or interests.
    I think becomming friends or meeting through our interests can be a good way to develop a lasting connection with others. Maybe take a class or join a club to meet some people who share your interests. Go to a convention. Join a church or volunteer somewhere. Having a relationship is not like other goals where you can do all the right things and get a positive result. You may connect with someone or you may not.

    I have a family member who married a woman from the Phillipines. She wanted to come to the US. They have been married about 19 years and have a couple of kids. They seem happy. I believe they exchanged letters and e-mails and he went to meet her first. That kind of thing is an option. There are women who are very motivated to marry that you would be very appealing to.

    Are you being open to anyone or have you set limits on who you will meet? Something to think about.
  • 88olds
    88olds Posts: 4,468 Member
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    @MsBaz2018

    Just to be clear, my reference to a world that doesn’t exist refers to the past. Wanting a different past is fruitless. It’s over and can’t be changed. Spending a lot of time today, wishing things had been different then, is longing for a world that doesn’t exist. A waste today. And that’s all we’ve got.
  • BV1980
    BV1980 Posts: 272 Member
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    I think I am being misunderstood a bit. I am not saying everything has to be the first time with someone. I am not naive. All I am saying is I want to get married to someone who has not been married before and has no kids. That's it. I have been on many first dates. The longest I was able to date someone was 3 months. This girl constantly told about this guy I once dated used to do this or say this. Then this other guy I dated. I felt like I was dating her plus all the guys she previously was in relationships with. I spoke up and told her to please stop doing that. I wanted to focus on us. She got upset about that. It just went downhill from there. She wasn't the one for me and that is fine. But it is an example of what I am not looking for. I am NOT saying I have to only be with someone who never had relationships before. I am just saying was never married before. I want that level commitment to be our shared first time. I don't see what is so wrong with that. But then everyone tells me I am too traditional and I will never find that and I am being closed minded. I don't get that. All of my friends found it. Every single one of them married someone who was never married and didn't have kids. It happens all the time. But why is it an issue when I say that is what I want? That's what I don't get. At this stage I am fine if I never have kids. I still want to be with someone though. I want the relationship that I am grateful for. You hear it all the time how people are so lucky to be with the person they are with. I see posts on facebook constantly by friends and coworkers announcing anniversaries or the special thing their spouse did for them and how lucky and blessed they feel. I express wanting that too and I am told I am priveleged, that I am expecting a reward. How is wanting love a bad thing? I have never experienced it and am feeling down about that. Yet I am kind of lectured that I am not doing things right.

    None of it makes sense to me. It's just so many conflicting statements...

    Just be yourself and you will be loved for who you are.
    You need to change yourself and lose weight first.

    You have to stop looking for it and it will find you when you least expect it.
    You have to put yourself out there or you will never find it.

    It just seems like a bunch of conflicting advice and it is hard to know what the hell to do anymore. I used to play an online game, an MMO. I did this for a couple years. I got my coworker into it and even played with a friend I met on here. People started telling me that I needed to stop doing that because I will never meet anyone. I needed to get out in the real world and socialize or I will always be alone. So I stopped. But then I hear stories of people meeting their spouse in those games!!! There is someone in this thread who mentioned they met their husband on World of Warcraft. I feel like I just keep doing the wrong thing. What if I didn't stop playing the MMO and I met someone great through there? I'll never know because I stopped and started doing other "real world" things.

    I do get out there and have for a long time. It's just always by myself. I go to concerts all the time. Metal is a huge passion for me. I plan travel around festivals. I have been to Heavy Montreal 3 times. I have gone to Psycho Las Vegas twice. I have been to fests in Arizona, Sacramento, North Carolina, and of course Chicago where I live. I even once spent two weeks travelling Europe and did a 4 day fest in Belgium called Graspop. I slept in a wooden hut in the woods for 4 nights. 130+ bands and over 100,000 people. It was amazing. But again bitter sweet as everything I do is because it was solo. I have no one to share those experiences and memories with. I would love to find someone to share in these adventures. I love music, especially metal. I obviously love to travel and go to fests and concerts. I am big into sports. My teams are the White Sox, Bears, and Blackhawks. I love to fish and hike and I have a big life long goal of building a cabin on lake and getting a boat so I can go fishing any time. I ave all these plans and dreams. I just wanted it to be with someone special. Of course I have a type and preferences, but I have been open and willing too. I have gone out with so many different girls. I just have the two things of no kids and never been married. That is it.

    Circling back to the original point of this thread is frustration. I have experienced rejection my whole life and I attributed it to my weight. I understand I was never physically attractive because of my weight. My frustration is in after all the hard work to lose so much that I experience the same rejection, only now it is much worse because I am closing in on 40 and will most likely not find what I am looking for. This stemmed from me being stood up last week. I went out with this girl who seemed so sweet and nice. We went out for a sushi dinner and spent 3 hours talking that night. It's all light conversation. I am not the creepy guy talking marriage on date 1 that some people seem to think. It was a fun time. We texted back and forth for a couple weeks. She had a trip to Boston and I had a trip to Colorado after that so our 2nd date was a bit delayed, but we kept in contact every other day or so and would have decent conversations. It seemed good. That is why I am so frustrated and confused after getting stood up for the 2nd date. Why? Why was I all of a sudden not good enough anymore? That is what kicked off my ultimate frustration and feeling like just giving up on all this. I have been trying for so long. I just don't get why nothing has worked out.

    The frustration is that nothing has changed in terms of getting rejected even after losing 127 lbs. I feel defeated because for years I thought my lack of success in dating or finding a girlfriend was my weight. I had it set in my mind, mostly from hearing it from friends and family, that if I just lost weight it would happen. I was even told stories of oh this coworker lost all kinds of weight and all of a sudden she has a boyfriend and they are getting engaged. So when I finally put in the work and found out it isn't true for me it just so crushing. And yeah I know I have more weight to lose. But I reached a point where I started to feel and look more normal. I completely expected to find at least more success than in my 20s. It's just not the case.

    I am never flirted with. I never have ever felt wanted. Try imagining what that is like, to never have been wanted. I mean women even avoid eye contact with me and it feels like I am such an outsider or I am disgusting to them. I take care of myself and love who I am. I just don't get why I am so unworthy of anyone. And then the advice, which I really do appreciate when the intention behind it is to truly help me, sometimes just makes me feel worse. I am never told i can find what i am looking for. Instead I am told that I need to change this or that or I need to settle for something else. Everyone I know found it. They aren't perfect. Why do I need to be perfect to be worthy of it? it just feels bad.
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,874 Member
    edited October 2018
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    @BV1980 I can tell this is an emotionally raw subject for you. I think it's great that you're returning to read and respond in more depth (not sure it will solve anything for you, necessarily, but sometimes 'talking it out' on a relatively anonymous site with a wide range of opinions can be helpful).

    Our comments regarding unmarried/no children are just an observation that statistically finding someone considered socially age-appropriate who fits that criteria is less likely at your age than when your friends were getting married (assuming in their 20s). It's not a dig on you in any way. It's not saying that person doesn't exist. Just that they will be a lot harder to find.

    Your last paragraph is achingly sad. As far as the avoidance of eye contact, I don't know how tall you are, but from looking at your pictures I can see how you could be physically imposing to women. At 5'2 and 140, I'm less than half your mass and likely much shorter. Beards also tend to obscure the facial features and make a man appear more 'gruff' even if he's not. (Please don't take this as a suggestion to shave your beard!! :smile: ) Just food for thought. I don't have any advice to offer beyond what has already been said. It might be time to take a break from the online dating thing for a while, simply for your own mental health.
  • Mithridites
    Mithridites Posts: 595 Member
    edited October 2018
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    We are all works in progress. Gotta keep trying, or we have no chance. I met my husband on eharmony when I was 34 and had pretty much given up on love after a bad relationship. He’s 6’7” and around 300 lbs, but is the kindest human being I’ve met. He doesn’t appear threatening to me, just the opposite! He makes me feel safe and loved. It’s not about your shape, it’s how you make people feel. Sometimes it’s as simple as body language, or as complicated as self-esteem. Keep getting out there. Keep making progress. Good luck!
  • Dnarules
    Dnarules Posts: 2,081 Member
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    BV1980 wrote: »
    I'm not being narrow minded. I just wanted something special. Some girls dream about their wedding day all their life. Well, some guys daydream about that too. I am one of them. I wanted to experience it all together with someone for the first time, not be their second or third choice. It's like when you have a new coworker who is hired. All they talk about is well at my last job this or at my last job that. I don't want to be with someone who just compares me to their last husband. Or while planning the wedding it's like they have been there and done that. It would be all new and exciting to me but not so much for them. I think it loses that something special if it isn't the first time. I want to experience those firsts together. Instead I am the inexperienced one who missed out on it all and now have to settle for someone who has seen and done it all already so it isn't as special anymore.And it is not just the wedding, but married life too. I would feel like I am being compared to previous husbands. It's not what I want. And since it isn't what is available to me I guess, then I have a long road of loneliness and disappointment ahead. I have no idea what I will do with my life. Everything I have done was with the goal of being married someday in mind. I don't know. It's all very depressing these days. I missed out because I was so overweight back in my 20s when everyone was meeting someone and experiencing those firsts. I tried. I asked out girls in college. I was just always rejected. It's not like I have myself to blame for not trying or putting myself out there. I have myself to blame for being fat. Guys aren't wanted when they are fat like I was. My underlying issues of depressing and loneliness led me to that. It's still my fault. I wish I would've not been so afraid and found an outlet in the college gym or joined the weightlifting club or something like that, but I didn't do that. I was on my own and very intimidated. I am different now, but it seems I am too late. I either have to settle and not really get what I was looking for, or I have to be alone. I hate it. I hate that that outlook so much.

    I am in my second marriage, and I can promise you that I do not spend any time comparing my husband to my ex. I actually think it may be time to seek therapy. I think it could help
  • strunch
    strunch Posts: 66 Member
    edited October 2018
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    So let's say you meet the perfect woman and fall madly in love with each other but the problem is she has a child. Are you honestly going to tell me you will dump her because of your silly no kid rule? If so, that is truly laughable. I assume you are looking for love...or do you want some type of domestic partner? You don't get to make the rules in matters of love. You don't have a choice. I think you have a warped view of marriage in general and little experience in relationships. My advice is to socialize more and develop friendships with both men and women. I don't think you have the wisdom or emotional maturity to consider marriage at this point. The beating yourself up routine won't do anything to help your self esteem. Don't be so serious or uptight and keep working on yourself until such time as you have something to bring to the table...and I'm not talking about money/house/rings.
  • BV1980
    BV1980 Posts: 272 Member
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    middlehaitch wrote: »
    Also, though weight is not the be all and end all, and you have done an excellent job so far, you are still morbidly obese. People, whether this is good or bad, tend judge people on first sight, it is much easier to get a date, or a 2nd date, if you are closer to a normal weight, even overweight or obese. Keep dropping the pounds.

    This translates to me as... despite all your hard work and effort, you are still not good enough for women to want to be with.

    strunch wrote: »
    You don't get to make the rules in matters of love. You don't have a choice.

    I most certainly have a choice in who I am or am not willing to be with. I don't want to raise some other guy's kids. I don't want to deal with another guy being involved in my relationship with someone. That is my choice. I DO make the rules for what I want in my life.
    strunch wrote: »
    I think you have a warped view of marriage in general and little experience in relationships. I don't think you have the wisdom or emotional maturity to consider marriage at this point.

    I have a lack of experience in relationships obviously, but my views of marriage are mine. They are not warped. I have quite a bit more wisdom than I think you can know from a few posts on a message board. Your judgment of me is based on very little actual knowledge of me.
    strunch wrote: »
    Don't be so serious or uptight and keep working on yourself until such time as you have something to bring to the table...and I'm not talking about money/house/rings.

    So I have nothing to offer then? Thanks for making me feel like utter garbage.
  • BV1980
    BV1980 Posts: 272 Member
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    tk2222 wrote: »
    This really reminds me of one of my better friends - who is not just a very handsome, but also very charming guy - smart, interesting successful career, sweet and goofy in the right amount, masculine and strong in the right amount - he's probably never worried a day in his life about his appearance or confidence or questioned whether he's basically appealing to women. He is. (Yes, I did have a tiny crush on him when we met.) He's always in a short term relationship or a fling or the week of a one stand. (No trouble just getting laid either.)

    You know what? You guys sound exactly the same, in two ways:

    1. Miserable and lonely and self-flagellating. Wanting the whole nine yards of a long term, serious, family-building relationship with the bells and whistles and white wedding, but failing to find it and feeling like that's a deep personal failing or fundamental 'what-is-wrong-with-me' issue.

    2. The way you talk about women. (That crush? Dead as a doornail as soon as I got a whiff of this. Just evaporated.) Women as this means to an end, means to a wedding, means to a family, means to be in love, means to a feeling, means to a sense of belonging and finding your place in the world.

    I know you (and him) say you're looking for a connection, and I believe you, but you also clearly have this picture in your head, and this picture in your head isn't of a specific person and all the weirdness and uncertainty that comes of being with a specific person, because, you know, they're unique and you're unique so whatever will happen is unique. Maybe it'll have a white picket fence and floofy dresses, maybe it won't. You want something that looks *just so*, and everyone you meet is just being tested against that picture with no space to let anything develop organically.

    Like, you know that cheesy bit at a wedding when people are telling the story of how they met or how they stayed together or whatever like its soooo special, and its kinda dull and repetitive and pretty standard? To them, it's not! THEY genuinely believe the story of them is strange and unexpected and extraordinary, because it absolutely felt that way in those moments, no matter how standard the script it actually followed. (Really falling for someone does feel kind of bizarre and un-normal!) But instead or reaching for the extraordinary, you're desperately reaching for feeling 'normal'. You want the experience of 'all your friends'.

    No wonder anyone you plant that on is going to walk away. If I showed up for a first date and got the sense I was being measured for a wedding dress and also couldn't talk about anything in my past that would paint a picture of anything but Mrs. Generic - you bet I'd be out of there like a cartoon character running off a cliff...

    ...and for what it's worth, I actually do tick all your boxes. I'm in my thirties and have never been in a serious relationship - but I've got issues and hangups and anecdotes and experiences and almost none of them are about other men, but trust me, the way you are now, you probably wouldn't like me talking about them either.


    I can see how you compare me to your friend, except the one night stand thing. I am not into that and am actually a virgin at 38 years old.

    I agree with #1. But I don't agree with #2 so much.

    Yes I want a special wedding and something memorable, but it does not have to be the standard. Whoever I am with does not have to fit a mold or ideal picture in my head. I want us to have things in common of course and I daydream about doing things like travelling together or going to festivals or whatever. But, I have not created a life in my head and am trying to make something fit into that predefined outline.

    I'll give an example... This is a pretty crazy story, and it shows how flexible and willing I am to go along with things...

    I was talking to this girl on a dating site. We had been texting back and forth one day and she asked about bucket list items. She said hers were to visit all 50 states and to see Lady Gaga live. She mentioned she was performing in Oklahoma City which would help both of her bucket list items but it was on a Wednesday. I thought hmmm ok it's not my kind of music but let me see if she is performing in Chicago and I can ask this girl if she wants to go see er with me there since that is where we live. In looking up the tour, I noticed the Chicago date already happened but that she was wrong about the Oklahoma City date. It was actually on a Saturday and not a Wednesday. I tend to joke around a lot. I love to make people laugh. So I told her hey that Oklahoma City concert is actually on a Saturday, let's do it!!!! I was joking of course, but she replied with... OK!!! We went back and forth kind of joking about it. We had never met and it was just fun to joke around about. But it turned into a sort of weird game of chicken. She worked in hotel management and looked into hotel options. I said ok I am looking into concert tickets. Before we knew it, we booked a weekend trip to Oklahoma City to see Lady Gaga. The next night we talked on the phone and were both like this is freaking nuts! We are out of our minds! But it was soooo fun. We were laughing at how it was a game of chicken gone awry. But we actually went through with it. Our first date was meeting at the airport, flying to Oklahoma City, and seeing Lady Gaga. We did a bunch of other things that weekend too. We sawing the bombing memorial. We went to the banjo museum and saw a bunch of older gentlemen play Christmas songs on banjo. It was a very unique weekend and a ton of fun. That was our first date. We ended up dating for 3 months, but in the end I wasn't good enough for her.

    My point is I am anything but traditional, even though I am seeking out a traditional path in the sense of finding someone who has never been married and has no kids. I think people here think differently, but I am just not doing a very good job of explaining myself or it is just hard to picture what someone is like on a message board alone.

    I truly am looking for a connection. I just feel I was never given a chance before because of my weight. And now I am still not being given chance even though I am now down 129 lbs (lost a couple more since this thread started last week). And I am just getting more and more frustrated. I hear all my friends awesome stories. They all basically had it land in their laps without any effort whatsoever. I work at it and keep going with the dating thing and I get nowhere. I am tired of being alone. I don't want just a domestic partner for the sake of not being single. Please don't think of me in that way. I am a hopeless romantic. I want an amazing story and connection, even though it would only be amazing to us and boring to everyone else like you say. I want that and always have. I am losing hope the older I get. And it is very hard to think about now. It seems like it won't ever happen and it makes me very sad.
  • BV1980
    BV1980 Posts: 272 Member
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    tk2222 wrote: »
    Dude the Oklahoma story is excellent. 3 month relationship is excellent. Forget the weddings and crap, go do more of that.

    Eventually you'll meet the one that will marry you if it turns out you're both into that, but that will just be icing on the cake at that point.

    That's the whole point. I am trying to. But one 3 month "relationship" in my 38 years isn't much at all compared to my efforts. It's not like I am passing up on those opportunities. I am just never given a chance. That one was an exception for some reason. It's been a whole hell of a lot of rejection, and this one time where something happened for a short 3 months.

    I want more opportunities like that. Just not sure what more i need to do to make it happen. I am doing anything and everything I can think of. I can't wait another 38 years until I am given another shot.
  • huango
    huango Posts: 1,007 Member
    edited October 2018
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    1.
    "It was a very unique weekend and a ton of fun. That was our first date. We ended up dating for 3 months,
    ===>>> but in the end I wasn't good enough for her."

    Please help elaborate.
    What aspects of did she find not good enough?
    Not a good kisser?
    Not a good fashion sense?
    Not a good cook?
    Trying to learn more about how women you've dated perceive you.


    2. I can totally see you point on not wanting to be with someone who has kids.
    If I were single, I wouldn't want want to date someone with kids also, because I don't want to deal with being step-mom (to possibly lousy kids),
    Or dealing with kids' Mom and all her baggage.
    I KNOW, because Ive been told (vented) of some of the crap my gfs and their exes go through when dealing with kids.

    **BUT** I am also realistic and can crunch the numbers.
    That pool of kidless single people are tiny!
    AND a lot of them have MAJOR issues (just from my own group of friends/acquaintances) (that's probably why they're single)!

    So if I were single, I would HAVE to date almost anyone, as long as they meet my minimum bar (not a psycho, have a job, nonsmoker, etc), in my quest for someone who fits and loves me.


    From my previous post:
    I may be happily married, but my husband and I choose to work hard on our marriage.
    It hasn't been an easy road, but we are well rewarded for our efforts.
  • kathleenford04
    kathleenford04 Posts: 128 Member
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    I haven’t read through this whole thread so I apologize if someone already suggested this or you’ve already tried it, but meeting with a counselor is how I’ve found movement during times in life that feel like impossible situations. Good luck 🤞🏼

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