127 lbs lost, yet still a failure
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"It was a very unique weekend and a ton of fun. That was our first date. We ended up dating for 3 months,
===>>> but in the end I wasn't good enough for her."
Please help elaborate.
What aspects of did she find not good enough?
Not a good kisser?
Not a good fashion sense?
Not a good cook?
Trying to learn more about how women you've dated perceive you.
At first it was all fun and nice, but then she started to snap at me for anything and everything. We were playing a game of Uno one Saturday night. She asked me to buy it one the way to her place. So I stopped at Walgreens and bought a deck of Uno cards. This deck, though was newer and had new special cards in it that I had never seen before. I hadn't played Uno since I was a kid. Well, we were playing and I had one of the newer special cards that I didn't fully understand and I guess I played it wrong. She snapped at me that I ruined the game. The mood just flipped. And I said it is just a game. We are supposed to be having fun and laughing. It is Saturday night. But that was that and the rest of the night was just a downer mood. So more and more things like this would start happening and eventually this one time I got sick of it and spoke up. Well she told me, and yes these are her words, that she was trying to train me to be able to meet her needs. This really upset me. I mean I may be inexperienced with actual relationships, but I am not naive. I know that they take hard work and compromise and sacrifice. I truly get that. But the way she said she was training me, like I am her dog. If she didn't like me for who I am then she shouldn't be with me. Another time where I just felt terrible was when we sat down to watch a movie at my house. I went to cuddle up next her, because I crave physical intimacy, and she commented wow someone is super needy. That really threw me off. We never had sex. She was super into me holding her hand anywhere we went in public, which to me got to be impractical at times. let me drive so we don't get into an accident rather then me having to hold your hand and have one hand on the steering wheel. But then when it came to like cuddling during a movie I am being needy?? I just felt like I was never doing the right thing or saying the right thing. I was being scolded a lot or corrected about things I would say. I felt like I wasn't good enough to her.
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1.
"It was a very unique weekend and a ton of fun. That was our first date. We ended up dating for 3 months,
===>>> but in the end I wasn't good enough for her."
Please help elaborate.
What aspects of did she find not good enough?
Not a good kisser?
Not a good fashion sense?
Not a good cook?
Trying to learn more about how women you've dated perceive you.
At first it was all fun and nice, but then she started to snap at me for anything and everything. We were playing a game of Uno one Saturday night. She asked me to buy it one the way to her place. So I stopped at Walgreens and bought a deck of Uno cards. This deck, though was newer and had new special cards in it that I had never seen before. I hadn't played Uno since I was a kid. Well, we were playing and I had one of the newer special cards that I didn't fully understand and I guess I played it wrong. She snapped at me that I ruined the game. The mood just flipped. And I said it is just a game. We are supposed to be having fun and laughing. It is Saturday night. But that was that and the rest of the night was just a downer mood. So more and more things like this would start happening and eventually this one time I got sick of it and spoke up. Well she told me, and yes these are her words, that she was trying to train me to be able to meet her needs. This really upset me. I mean I may be inexperienced with actual relationships, but I am not naive. I know that they take hard work and compromise and sacrifice. I truly get that. But the way she said she was training me, like I am her dog. If she didn't like me for who I am then she shouldn't be with me. Another time where I just felt terrible was when we sat down to watch a movie at my house. I went to cuddle up next her, because I crave physical intimacy, and she commented wow someone is super needy. That really threw me off. We never had sex. She was super into me holding her hand anywhere we went in public, which to me got to be impractical at times. let me drive so we don't get into an accident rather then me having to hold your hand and have one hand on the steering wheel. But then when it came to like cuddling during a movie I am being needy?? I just felt like I was never doing the right thing or saying the right thing. I was being scolded a lot or corrected about things I would say. I felt like I wasn't good enough to her.
She was the fruitcake, plan and simple.8 -
1.
"It was a very unique weekend and a ton of fun. That was our first date. We ended up dating for 3 months,
===>>> but in the end I wasn't good enough for her."
Please help elaborate.
What aspects of did she find not good enough?
Not a good kisser?
Not a good fashion sense?
Not a good cook?
Trying to learn more about how women you've dated perceive you.
At first it was all fun and nice, but then she started to snap at me for anything and everything. We were playing a game of Uno one Saturday night. She asked me to buy it one the way to her place. So I stopped at Walgreens and bought a deck of Uno cards. This deck, though was newer and had new special cards in it that I had never seen before. I hadn't played Uno since I was a kid. Well, we were playing and I had one of the newer special cards that I didn't fully understand and I guess I played it wrong. She snapped at me that I ruined the game. The mood just flipped. And I said it is just a game. We are supposed to be having fun and laughing. It is Saturday night. But that was that and the rest of the night was just a downer mood. So more and more things like this would start happening and eventually this one time I got sick of it and spoke up. Well she told me, and yes these are her words, that she was trying to train me to be able to meet her needs. This really upset me. I mean I may be inexperienced with actual relationships, but I am not naive. I know that they take hard work and compromise and sacrifice. I truly get that. But the way she said she was training me, like I am her dog. If she didn't like me for who I am then she shouldn't be with me. Another time where I just felt terrible was when we sat down to watch a movie at my house. I went to cuddle up next her, because I crave physical intimacy, and she commented wow someone is super needy. That really threw me off. We never had sex. She was super into me holding her hand anywhere we went in public, which to me got to be impractical at times. let me drive so we don't get into an accident rather then me having to hold your hand and have one hand on the steering wheel. But then when it came to like cuddling during a movie I am being needy?? I just felt like I was never doing the right thing or saying the right thing. I was being scolded a lot or corrected about things I would say. I felt like I wasn't good enough to her.
I know you felt like you weren't good enough for her, but it sounds to me like she wasn't good enough for you! She sounds a bit off and that was at the very beginning of the relationship. Imagine a few years in. I think you dodged a bullet. It sounds like she just wasn't right for you.
I know that can be very hard though, because even though you had issues, I'm sure you really got your hopes up that something great was going to happen2 -
If I wasn't a divorced woman with kids, I'd date the hell out of you ..
I'm liking that red beard.
I seriously hope you find peace of mind no matter how things end up.4 -
Firstly, congratulations! You should be proud of your weight loss and all of your other accomplishments, regardless of whether or not they resulted in the success you were hoping for.
I am going to preface this by saying as someone who spent all of her teenage years and early adult years sobbing because she was certain she would never be enough to be loved I get where you are coming from and want so badly for you to find love. And because of that I am going to try to go down every route that I think might be the reason you aren't finding anyone. I have no idea if they apply to you because I don't know you. But I want to try to leave no stone unturned, even if it might be uncomfortable to hear.
Let me start by saying it likely isn't the weight that is keeping women away. I and many other women love a bigger guy. It makes me feel protected, smaller (and what woman doesn't want to feel small?), less self conscious, like I don't have to eat like a bird around you, and bigger guys are just better to cuddle with. I am not saying that you shouldn't continue to try to get healthier, just that it likely isn't the reason you are being turned away. Do you have a trusted friend you could ask for candid advice? Tell them that you want to know what it is that might be turning women away, even if it will hurt your feelings a bit. Ask them specifically to look at your personality and not the weight. If you have a close female friend maybe ask if you could take her on a pseudo-date, act as you would with a regular date and then let her give you tips as to what might be causing women to not be interested. It may be that you are coming on too strong - as much a girls love a commitment, if they can sense it's a wifey audition they might get freaked. There are of course other things you might be doing but I am in no place to speculate about them since I don't know you.
As far as appearance goes maybe you should focus on things other than your weight. Maybe get a new haircut or try different clothes or buy new glasses. Watch Queer Eye on Netflix and try to apply some of the grooming and wardrobe advice. For me it is way more important that a guy have a decent sense of style than how much he weighs. Aim for something that is just a bit out of your comfort zone. If you typically wear camouflage and cargo shorts try a nice plaid shirt and dark jeans. If you typically wear the latter try something a little nicer. Just upgrading these things about your appearance can make you more attractive but MUCH more importantly give you the confidence that women love oh so much.
I also want to echo what other people have said on here because it is very important - Try going on dates with as many women as are interested in you. When I saw my boyfriend on a dating website my first reaction was "uh...I don't know..." He is a sports journalist, I am a mathematician. He is Jewish, I am totally unsure about my religion. I didn't think he was unattractive but I definitely wasn't taken away by the pictures I saw. I doubt he was with me either. But I figured what the heck and I swiped right and when I met him I was instantly attracted and we had so much to talk about. I'm NOT accusing you of this because you seem like a very kind guy but I know many guys who won't date someone who is even a little bit overweight or not as pretty but then complain about not finding anyone. Obviously being a little attracted to the person is important but even if you think she looks horrible in her profile picture some people just look WAY better in real life (like my guy). When I was on dating websites I swiped right on about 80-90% of the profiles to maximize my dating pool.
Also, I noticed that you work in Chicago. Maybe try dating outside of the city. It's annoying to live an hour away from the person you're dating but as a small town girl living in a slightly bigger town I will say that sometimes people in smaller towns (especially in the Midwest) are more down to earth. What are your filters set to on dating websites? Just increasing from a 25 mi radius to 40 or 50 can make all the difference. Or setting your age range from 34-42 to 30-44. Making your dating pool bigger gives you a better chance of finding the right person.
I also want to echo what Larissa_NY said in that I assume that you are a totally good and well-meaning guy. But if you come off as resentful for not having a wife by now or desperate or overbearing or needy or like this is an audition to be a wifey or like you feel like you have earned a wife, the woman is going to be creeped out. And again, this isn't about whether or not you ARE creepy. I think it is TOTALLY SWEET and well-meaning that you have saved for a family and a wife. It is about whether or not you COME OFF AS creepy. This is another way in which someone who knows you better could help.
Also maybe try seeing a therapist/life coach. They might be able to help you find fulfillment in other ways and see the things that may be turning women away.
It sounds like you're not getting past the first date and I think it's important to point out that dating sucks...like for everyone. And the big reason it sucks is because it's all a game of first impressions and that's hard. You saving for an engagement ring is so sweet but it may COME OFF AS creepy. You wanting to provide is sweet but it may COME OFF AS you expecting that she will quit her job to take care of your kids. Its all about what you come off as, which makes it harder. Even things that are much smaller than my examples above can make or break. This is where pseudo-dates with friends can really help you. But only if you tell them you really want their honest advice.
Coming off as very kind and gentle is important on a date. It's scary to be a woman sometimes. Especially on a dating website you are skittish because that guy could very easily be a serial killer or a human trafficker or etc. I too read the comment about your weight as not intended as derogatory. As previously stated, I am MUCH more attracted to big guys, but at the same time it did make me feel safer when I showed up to a date and knew I could take the guy if he got fresh. Make sure you are coming off as kind and respectful. Make sure you aren't crowding her space or jumping the gun on physical intimacy (even something like touching her arm - give her an hour or so to get comfortable and start feeling a base level trust with you). Also its so much more exciting when you're waiting for that physical intimacy for a while. Girls like a bit of a chase too so playing it a LITTLE bit cool can help your case.
Revisiting the non-negotiables. I don't think that you should give up on anything that really matters to you. However, in the dating pool that you are in cutting off previously married women or women with kids is cutting off a lot of people. Maybe you should revisit this and decide if it really matters to you. I.e. would you be happier being alone forever or being with someone who has been married previously. If you have this standard to avoid women with romantic baggage...well we all have romantic baggage. Divorcee or not. I understand feeling like you were being compared to previous husbands or that you were her second choice but maybe try going on a date with a divorcee and see. You may realize that even though you weren't her first, you were who she WANTED first but didn't know existed. And even though its her second wedding its her first with the guy she really wanted. If they divorced its likely that she would see you as her marvelous second chance. Speaking as someone who has been in two long term relationships - I appreciate my guy SO MUCH MORE given that I have a horrible god awful guy to compare him to. The comparison game would likely work in your favor, friend. Again, you could always just go on a couple of dates and feel it out from there. If it's something that is important to you then you shouldn't go back on it but trying never hurt anyone. That sucks that that girl kept comparing you to other guys but I don't think that would be the norm from most divorcees. But if you do decide to stick to no divorcees that is perfectly fine - maybe just make the dating pool bigger in other ways as mentioned above (age, location, etc.)
Also recognize that there is a large group of women who are attracted to older men. Your lower limit should be set around 10 years (or maybe more) younger than you are - if thats something that you are comfortable with.
Going back to the "coming off as" bit. Make sure the women you date don't just feel like you are looking for a wife. If they feel like any woman would do they are going to feel hurt and unappreciated. Even if you are going on 3 first dates a week try to make each one feel special.
If you are dating 6's and 7's they are much more likely to care about your personality than your looks so try to put away those inhibitions. Look good for a date but more importantly come with some meaningful questions. Make a good connection.
It might help if you see a psychiatrist about the depression you've been feeling. I have depression and anxiety and both of the people I have been in long term relationships with have depression and anxiety. However the first was entirely out of control. I had to take care of him constantly, it was a very codependent situation, and he turned it around into anger and abuse towards me. I'm not by ANY means saying you would do this. What I'm saying is that while depression is a totally valid illness it is the job of the person with depression to take care of themselves. It may be that women are picking up on this and decide that they really like you but don't feel prepared to help you through that. This may be coming off as callous but the reason I'm saying this is because my second relationship where we both take full responsibility for our mental health is much more healthy. Women may sense a codependency coming if they sense the depression and feel that it would be unhealthy.
Most importantly - you CAN find someone. You should realize it might take longer given your (valid) stipulations but you can find someone. Things will turn around. As much as it sucks try to spend this time on your physical and mental health so you can better attract the woman you're looking for.7 -
Oh, also, I think the shaved head+beard look might work better on you than what you have going on now. That's what my guy did before meeting me because he had a lot of thinning going on and it worked for him.1
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You are to be commended for your hard work in making the changes you set out to make. That takes incredible perseverence and strength. OWN IT! Self confidence is sexy!
But now I’m going to be blunt: you’re playing the victim here. The world owes you nothing.
I met my husband online. Both of us had been married before and he has 3 kids (I chose not to have kids). It never even occured to me to compare him to my ex husband, let alone anyone I ever dated. Our interests and experiences prior to meeting ARE new to the one who didn’t go through them, so it is always “fresh” for one of us, same as it would be in any relationship. My stepkids are AMAZING! I cannot imagine my life without them. I brag about them every chance I get. Their parents have done a wonderful job raising them!
Please consider taking the advice already mentioned and be more lenient in your requirements, even if it’s only expanding the age range and/or distance. I’m from Chicago - I know it’s a big area. Also, please see a professional to discuss your concerns.
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@pamplemousse21 Thank you so much for such a lengthy and well thought out response. I really appreciate all of your advice and insights and you taking the time to write that all to me. Thank you.0
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I am a little curious at this point...
You’ve been given a ton of feedback. What’s your plan?1 -
I’m envious of your weight loss and financial position! It sounds like you found Dave Ramsey or something and have been kicking some serious butt ever sense!
I’m a SysAdmin so I can relate to the work you’re doing. From my experience, developers aren’t the best communicators. Have you ever received that kind of feedback from work before? Get annoyed by the “stupid” people? It may be worth doing some kind of personality test. Myers-Briggs is helpful. It can also tell you what personality type you are most compatible with. When I met my wife online, I was curious and had her take the test. She ended up being the exact personality type it said I was most compatible with. Maybe read the 5 languages of love. I’ve found that the engineers and developers I work with HATE those types of tests m, but I’ve found them to be really helpful.
Because of your success you’ve clearly been very goal oriented and probably do things very linearly. Love and affection aren’t something that is systematic like we deal with in IT. Being self aware about how you love and react to different personalities is extremely important. My advice is work on being flexible and just enjoying the journey. Women are attracted to people that are happy!
I don’t know if you are religious or not, but scripture study and prayer has helped me a lot through a recent situation I had.
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I am going to come across a bit heartless here.
Expecting a woman to validate you and provide you with your future happiness and fulfill your very particular fantasy of a wife is a huge responsibility for any woman you meet. Even if she isn't aware of it, you are, and that will be what drives your relationships. Possibly warps them.This whole thing seems to be about what you want/expect. What about what she wants and expects from you.
Also ruling out women who have experienced married life, who have been through the ups and downs of rearing kids and failed marriages means you are missing out on a valuable resource. You don't have any of those experiences so you could learn a lot even if they are not the one for you, you could still gain life experience by dating them and listening to them.
Not saying that this is the case. But have you even considered that the girlfriend who you were with for 3 months may have got frustrated because you were not meeting her needs. Not picking up on what she wanted from the relationship. She may have been subtly trying to show you what she wanted from you for some time, but realised you weren't taking it on board so she got annoyed with you. Just a thought.
You do seem like a nice guy you are obviously intelligent and articulate but to be brutally honest with you. To me you come across as a bit immature and selfish as well.
We all have romantic ideas of how we want our life to progress but it hardly ever works out that way. I have been married 3 times. But this marriage is different it has been harder in some ways. He had 2 teenage boys already I had fertility issues but guess what we have a son together (totally unexpected) His boys are wonderful to me and we have grandchildren and great grandchildren now. He is the best husband ever. I know because I have had two not so great ones to compare him with.
Don't rule anyone out, not anyone, because you never know who you are going to fall in love with and more importantly who is going to fall in love with you. Give them all the chance to at least meet you.
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manderson27 wrote: »I am going to come across a bit heartless here.manderson27 wrote: »Expecting a woman to validate you and provide you with your future happiness and fulfill your very particular fantasy of a wife is a huge responsibility for any woman you meet. Even if she isn't aware of it, you are, and that will be what drives your relationships. Possibly warps them.This whole thing seems to be about what you want/expect. What about what she wants and expects from you.
All I have mentioned is that I wanted to meet someone special, develop a long term relationshup and eventually get married. Why is it ok for most people to want that exact same thing, but I mention it and it is turned around into all these supposed horrible and unreasonable things I am asking for? This is so damn frustrating. I want love. I want to be given a chance. And I am just being used. I am being used by these women for free dinners. It's a thing that women do on online dating apps. And I am the idiot nice guy sucker who keeps letting it happen. What I am looking for is not unreasonable, but you are making it sound like I am being completely unreasonable. How dare I want to find someone never married and no kids who wants a relationship with long term possibilities. I am such a horrible man for even thinking it. I don't get it.manderson27 wrote: »Not saying that this is the case. But have you even considered that the girlfriend who you were with for 3 months may have got frustrated because you were not meeting her needs. Not picking up on what she wanted from the relationship. She may have been subtly trying to show you what she wanted from you for some time, but realised you weren't taking it on board so she got annoyed with you. Just a thought.
She literally said she was training me like a dog to understand what she needs. Nobody deserves to be spoken to or treated like that. Yet I am the one in the wrong. You know zero details of those 3 months. You know nothing of all the things I did for her and the effort I put into it. And you only mention her needs. I try cuddling up to her one time during a movie and I am told I am needy. What about my need for affection? That doesn't matter? I am just automatically to blame for it failing after 3 months? You have judged me without knowing me.manderson27 wrote: »You do seem like a nice guy you are obviously intelligent and articulate but to be brutally honest with you. To me you come across as a bit immature and selfish as well.
I'm Immature and selfish? How so? Because I want to fall in love and get married, but to someone who has also never been married or had kids before? That makes me immature and selfish? The whole point of this was me venting frustration for experiencing continuing and ongoing rejection even after losing 130 lbs even though I was always told to lose weight and you will do much better in the dating world. It's frustrating and heartbreaking to know that losing the weight didn't change anything. But somehow I am immature and selfish. You don't even know me. So keep your insults to yourself ok?manderson27 wrote: »We all have romantic ideas of how we want our life to progress but it hardly ever works out that way. I have been married 3 times. But this marriage is different it has been harder in some ways. He had 2 teenage boys already I had fertility issues but guess what we have a son together (totally unexpected) His boys are wonderful to me and we have grandchildren and great grandchildren now. He is the best husband ever. I know because I have had two not so great ones to compare him with.
This is a common thing that I don't understand. People tend to give me "advice" that is really nothing mroe than putting me down calling me immature or whatever, telling me that I shouldn't want the things I want and that i will never get the, then they end with throwing it in my face how happy they are and how they found love. You haven't helped. You haven't offered anything useful in terms of advice. You've only mad me feel worse, so what's the point?
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I am a little curious at this point...
You’ve been given a ton of feedback. What’s your plan?
Honestly, I don't know. A lot of the suggestions are great. And a lot of them I have already done. I just feel lost and like there is no hope.
I'm probably going to give up on it. I am going to just focus on the gym, my hobbies, my career, my house, travelling, and things like that. My biggest goal is to build a lake house and buy a boat. I will most likely just put my all into that and then go hide away at my lake cabin and fish and read and try to find some kind of peace in this world. This overwhelming desire in me for love, marriage, family, is killing me. It leaves me terrified that I will end up alone. I'll just hope that I can leave this world sooner rather than later so I don't have to just exist in loneliness until I am in my 80s or whenever. If I have to be alone, I hope I get to leave much sooner than that.13 -
I don’t think wanting to find love is asking too much of the universe. Most people want that same thing. I have several friends your age (I’m about the same age as you.) who have also never been married or had kids. Some of them have had some serious relationships, but not all. And it isn’t for lack of trying. I don’t get it because they are amazing people and anyone would be lucky to have them in their lives. I also don’t see any horrible character flaws in them either. So, it baffles me. In the end it just seems to not work out so far, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever work out. Easy for me to say because I’m not in their shoes.
I realize that I am not really giving you any helpful advice and I am sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I know a few women and men who are in the same boat. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with them and I don’t think anything is wrong with you. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything for you. I know. But I hate seeing you beat yourself up.
I hope that you can have a happy life and I hope that life will soon include a wonderful woman who loves you for exactly who you are. Good luck.3 -
crazykatlady820 wrote: »I don’t think wanting to find love is asking too much of the universe. Most people want that same thing. I have several friends your age (I’m about the same age as you.) who have also never been married or had kids. Some of them have had some serious relationships, but not all. And it isn’t for lack of trying. I don’t get it because they are amazing people and anyone would be lucky to have them in their lives. I also don’t see any horrible character flaws in them either. So, it baffles me. In the end it just seems to not work out so far, but that doesn’t mean it won’t ever work out. Easy for me to say because I’m not in their shoes.
I realize that I am not really giving you any helpful advice and I am sorry for that. I just wanted you to know that I know a few women and men who are in the same boat. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with them and I don’t think anything is wrong with you. It doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything for you. I know. But I hate seeing you beat yourself up.
I hope that you can have a happy life and I hope that life will soon include a wonderful woman who loves you for exactly who you are. Good luck.
Thank you. I really mean that. Thank you.1 -
Honest & compassionate response:
Please believe me when I say that I can completely understand the depression that goes along with not realizing a long-held dream. I can also understand, to a certain extent, wanting to give up permanently. Know what I wish I had done when I was at this point? Talked to a professional in the mental health field. There's a lot of wasted years in my own life that I'm pretty sure could have been put to much better use if I had taken the time to learn about my own emotional health from a qualified professional.
You might want stop reading this now...
Equally honest though far blunter response (but still meant with respect, though it might not read like it):
So, you're unattached, financially stable, and in decent health, and you're ready to give up on life just because this one dream hasn't come true (and while there very well could still be a "yet" added to this statement)?
Also, please stop comparing your life to everyone else's out there. How can you know what your friends/coworkers/even family truly go through in their marriages and lives- maybe they're not happy; maybe they never had the guts to go for something else; maybe they look at your life and are envious of your freedom.
You say we have no real idea of what you've been going through, and how you were promised "by everyone" that once you lost the weight/put enough money aside/put yourself out there your life would somehow turn around- evidently within a completely convenient time frame for you- and be all wonderful and happy. Well (she adds, half-jokingly):
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I am a little curious at this point...
You’ve been given a ton of feedback. What’s your plan?
Honestly, I don't know. A lot of the suggestions are great. And a lot of them I have already done. I just feel lost and like there is no hope.
I'm probably going to give up on it. I am going to just focus on the gym, my hobbies, my career, my house, travelling, and things like that. My biggest goal is to build a lake house and buy a boat. I will most likely just put my all into that and then go hide away at my lake cabin and fish and read and try to find some kind of peace in this world. This overwhelming desire in me for love, marriage, family, is killing me. It leaves me terrified that I will end up alone. I'll just hope that I can leave this world sooner rather than later so I don't have to just exist in loneliness until I am in my 80s or whenever. If I have to be alone, I hope I get to leave much sooner than that.
So sorry you feel that way.
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How dare I want to find someone never married and no kids who wants a relationship with long term possibilities. I am such a horrible man for even thinking it. I don't get it.
Dude, listen: YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THAT. I'm sorry, that's very blunt, but tact does not seem to be getting the message across. I know that you do not feel middle-aged inside, but you are, and that fact has to be reckoned with.
Women don't stay in stasis until a man comes along and pulls them out of cryo. As other people have pointed out, a woman who wants a very traditional relationship like you want will have done what very traditional women do and gotten married and had kids right out of high school or college. A woman who didn't go the traditional route will by now have learned to live her own life independent of a man to take care of her. She probably won't want a "provider." She may well not want your kids. She will have her own life, her own job, and her own home. It will be on you to convince her that the awesome life she's built for herself will be even more awesome with you in it.
You're what, 38? When I was 38, I had a PhD, a six-figure salary, a healthy 401(k), and a daughter just off to college, and I had frankly had all of men's BS that I was prepared to put up with. I had lived far, far too long to be someone's blushing bride, and so had every woman I knew. Any man who wanted to date me, let alone marry me, would have had to be able to make a very good case for why I should fit him into my already busy life. If you want to date someone your own age, "I want someone uncontaminated by the claims of other men" is going to be an extraordinarily difficult sell.
If that's what you want, you will have to date someone half your age. Good luck meeting her father, who will be your age and will understandably not be in favor of your suit. You missed the "high school sweetheart" stage of traditional relationships. You can't go back to it. You can live with what's available now, or you can keep looking for the prom queen who's waited almost 40 years to have a serious relationship, whichever.
But damn, if that's your pool, you better be prepared to put up with a whole lot of Issues and possibly a more-than-usual amount of crazy.
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Tact is not working with this guy. So many people offered wonderful advice and suggestions and his responses come across as defensive, puerile and whiny. You asked for advice and the advice you were given was fantastic. I would like to thank everyone for their very kind and thoughtful replies. Thank you all for taking time out of your busy lives to share your valuable opinions in an attempt to help this mans fragile ego. Hopefully he will get help from a mental health professional on how to develop healthy relationships through empathy, kindness and good communication skills.15
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Congrats on what you have fine! Dating is hard these days, especially online and when overweight. I'm having a hell of a time as well. Keep your head up!0
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