My family stresses me out.
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I need to go on and on.... But I shouldn't0
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It sounds to me like your brother might also have a drink or drug problem?1
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You need to get past the idea that you are trapped.
He can still have your love and care - by appointment - over dinner - his treat.
This.
Borrow or beg to get your kid cared for, and start hunting up another job. Don’t just tell us your plight, tell people around you, and your co-workers. Maybe a woman on another shift can trade you child care. Maybe an elderly neighbor would love the company of s child. Tell your boss you must have a different shift, or she/he will lose you.
Be comfortable asking for and accepting help. It sounds like you are used to being the one giving help. Right now, that needs to change. Just like the oxygen masks on the airplane - help yourself first, then, and only then, you can help others.
It sounds like this might not be the time for dieting. Just log, and try for healthy food choices and no more gain. You have a lot going on. One thing at a time. It will be much, much easier to lose weight once you set solid boundaries for your relationships, and get your son’s care settled.
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You haven't said, what resources does the wife bring to the table? She is his wife now, he's her problem, not yours. She needs to lend him HER car, or if neither of them have a car, one of them needs to get a car. She doesn't have five bucks for gas money either? Why not, what is her job? You can't become the parent of two adults. You also can't continue to talk about the woman your brother is married to as if she was an accident. She's his family now, he and she need to figure their stuff out together, without your help.
Anyway, regardless of what happens with your brother, him acting the fool doesn't mean you have to eat. Find other ways to relieve stress. I had a friend with a very problematic family who had a photo of a beautiful garden, and when her family drove her nuts she would meditate with the picture and imagine herself in the garden. Working out is also a good stress buster.
Hey, I have family members who are mentally ill and institutionalized! My sister once set her neighbor's house on fire because she thought her neighbor was an alien spy! Just because the people around you are acting crazy doesn't mean you have to. You can't control your brother. Work on you.7 -
cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.
the police may not know,unless he was arrested for say a DUI/DWI or something else where he was cited or arrested for it, but the DMV should. but not sure if they would give out that info or not to be honest.0 -
He doesn't have a drug problem! It's crazy. The driving my car part is when I'm just way too tired from working nights to wake up early enough to go get him and do all of my motherly chores before I depart for work. Everything is settled now. I reached out to my friend who watches him occasionally for me and she said no matter what she will be there for me. So a little more than 2 months and I won't have to inconvenience her and my stress will go way down. My brother has offered to still let my son stay there but I can't be around my brother at all and again, greatly dislike leaving him there. His new wife is an old childhood friend of mine and I accept her into the family completely. Under other circumstances I would be thrilled to have her here. To mooch off of me also? Not so thrilled. My brother offered to pay me when he gets paid but my biggest quarrel is I told him don't bother calling me. You have 2 people living with you now, you're making adult decisions, you can find a way from the airport, I'll be asleep. Of course at 10 the night before he's asking me to get them the next day. And I'm just looking at the text, dumb founded. My fiance showed me the FB update that he got married and I was like nah that's a joke, he wouldn't waste his money on that right now to someone hes been talking to online for 4 months. I told them it was a joke when I picked them up and they both just looked at me like I was stupid. That was the line. I feel much better. He said he's not upset with me and understands. Good for him. I'm still super hateful right now but that's on me for letting it happen for so long and trusting him to do right. He believes he is. So he can do it on his own time. So yeah, the waters are settling down but in the moment yesterday I couldn't handle it. I just wanted to scream but what type of welcome home is that to a newly wed?3
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CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.
the police may not know,unless he was arrested for say a DUI/DWI or something else where he was cited or arrested for it, but the DMV should. but not sure if they would give out that info or not to be honest.
When I had an issue the police told me. A valid DL is public record.0 -
cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »CharlieBeansmomTracey wrote: »Milocmolly wrote: »It sounds like you have a co-dependent toxic relationship with one another. Were you guys happened to be raised by a parent either on drugs or with alcoholism? I ask because this type of behavior happens when there is substance abuse present. If that is the case you need to set clear boundaries. It is hard to do at times and it will typically get worse before it gets better. I grew up in a household with alcoholism and had to set those boundaries with my mother, it was hard and still is at times. I can handle her now in small doses before things start to unravel. If you are able to speak with a therapist or counselor to help you set up the boundaries necessary. Just take it one day at a time. Hang in there. Sometimes space is the best thing.
I agree and I too grew up with an alcoholic mother.
+2.
I just want to say to OP about "lending" your car.
Are you 100% certain your brother has a valid driver's license? I mean, call the police and ask.
Second, does your insurance cover any damage he does to your car? Call your insurance company and ask. What if Mr. Genius drives it through a rain-swollen creek?
No one drives my car. No. One. Ask me why...
Well, you don't have to ask. You can think of a worst-case scenario of what could happen when/if someone else is driving my car - and that's what happened. No one drives my car except the shop that fixes it.
the police may not know,unless he was arrested for say a DUI/DWI or something else where he was cited or arrested for it, but the DMV should. but not sure if they would give out that info or not to be honest.
When I had an issue the police told me. A valid DL is public record.
huh if you call the police here they will tell you that you have to contact the DMV. as they dont keep those records in their database but they can run throught the DMV database (being police and all) and see if someone has a license. but they dont just willingly give out that info here. it must vary state to state.1 -
It's best to not be around those "triggers" if you're able to live on your own/by yourself. I have family that I cannot be around period because they are solely negative each time I'm around them. They deplete my spirit & energy. They may talk crap about me & try to make me feel worse by saying how I'm weird because of it or something else negative but that's the way it goes. It's depressing to have no support system around me but this is why I'm here. Also, I know I have to learn to do this without them.2
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I need to go on and on.... But I shouldn't
Actually, instead of 'on and on' you might try Al-Anon.
Or anything that will allow you to figure out a healthier way to manage this relationship. Because [almost] worse than the harm you are doing to yourself is the harm you are doing to him by allowing him to avoid having to become responsible for his actions.
Doing this would also force you to examine why you feel it's so important to infantalize him by facilitating his bad behaviors. I should warn you that this could be painful. As could the consequence of changing.
Your other option is to continue with things the way they are. Which may be the decision you make. But, then, having made that decision, best to live with it and stop complaining about it.
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SicklyMixed wrote: »But instead I keep eating. Every time I wake up it's a cookie or fries or a wrap. I'm not even hungry I just have to put food in my mouth. I feel so out of control over the stress.
Please try and find another coping mechanism other than eating. All you’re doing is punishing your body for the things he is doing. You don’t have any control over him and his decisions. You do have control over how you respond to the stress in your life.
It sounds like the “family fantasy” you have of all of you camping together and hanging out together is just that—a fantasy. Pleas consider letting go of that and realize you can’t make that come true on your own. He needs to respect himself and you enough to take responsibility. Nobody’s perfect, but it doesn’t sound like he’s really trying. And the you’re taking out your frustrations on yourself.1 -
find something to take your frustrations out on. like maybe a punching bag or something. something that wont hurt you and you cant break instead of eating. you get a workout in and get rid of the frustration too.1
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I need to go on and on.... But I shouldn't
Actually, instead of 'on and on' you might try Al-Anon.
Or anything that will allow you to figure out a healthier way to manage this relationship. Because [almost] worse than the harm you are doing to yourself is the harm you are doing to him by allowing him to avoid having to become responsible for his actions.
Doing this would also force you to examine why you feel it's so important to infantalize him by facilitating his bad behaviors. I should warn you that this could be painful. As could the consequence of changing.
Your other option is to continue with things the way they are. Which may be the decision you make. But, then, having made that decision, best to live with it and stop complaining about it.
I've looked into acoa meetings several times and you're right, actually going would be painful, and then to discuss it with people and cry in front of strangers.... Then to have them offer consolence is really intimidating and uncomfortable. Way easier to reach out to a bunch of online people. But my schedule is pretty freed up. I guess I could do just to listen.2 -
Thank you off for talking to me. It helps so much. Today is the first day that I think I can go back to functioning normally.3
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SicklyMixed wrote: »And the eating makes it a snow ball. I struggle with the want to purge but it's been years since I've done that. I just need to find another sitter, pay what I must, and then literally watch my brother lose his job. *kitten* *kitten*.
whether your brother has a job or not is not your responsibility... he is not your responsibility.1 -
He went to work today by the way so I'm way less stressed. It's not my fault if he loses his job. It's irritating that he went to work because it means I wasn't his only option, which in my head is internalized as he chose to use me. Chose to abuse my kindness. Or maybe this whole thing was in my head to begin with and he never needed my help to begin with. Either way good riddance. Glad he's making it to work. Happier that it doesn't involve me. Now time to train my brain to quit writing about him and stay in my own business.0
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Worrying*0
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SicklyMixed wrote: »
I've looked into acoa meetings several times and you're right, actually going would be painful, and then to discuss it with people and cry in front of strangers.... Then to have them offer consolence is really intimidating and uncomfortable. Way easier to reach out to a bunch of online people. But my schedule is pretty freed up. I guess I could do just to listen.
Sadly, I think you missed the point. If groups like Al-Anon or other ACOA support groups aren't your thing, there are other avenues where you can get the help you seem to need. Individual counseling (with a cognitive behavioral approach) is just one example. And, while it's great that brother doesn't seem to be putting too many demands on you right now, your description of the situation gives no basis for assuming this pattern won't continue to repeat itself over and over and over again.
You can determine your past. But, in many ways, we do determine our futures.
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No I think I understood you well. When I wrote discuss it I meant the painful memories of living with an alcoholic parent and working through the lasting effects that had on me. Am I wrong? I did not mean the stuff with my brother. Each day I'm separating my mentality from that issue and each day my guilt and sadness are receding.0
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Sorry I've written a response nearly three times on my phone only to have it back out of the thread and eat it. I just wanted to add that I appreciate everyone's advice and seek to fully understand it. I'm not being rude if I ask you to explain yourself, I am genuinely wanting to understand.
Two years back I was actually thriving. I was losing weight, going to the gym as often as I could, spending most of my day there when I was off and while my son attended school. I had so much spare time it made me anxious at first, just sitting around, caught up on my chores and I realized I was getting closer to my goal of who I wanted to be. I hadnt learned how to manage stress but I had wildly cut down on it.( I had cut off contact with my dad, and at this time I was not talking to my brother. I had washed my hands of him years before when he assaulted my ex the first go around that we offered to let him and his wife move in. I fought with my dad a lot, about my brother and my decisions not to allow him to freeload off of me, about my father's anger and his words while he is angry. I got tired of feeling like crap so I cute these people out of my life. Which was very hard because after losing a parent I became very fearful of being alone, and snipping two people from my life felt very lonely.)
And it was wild to actually be happy. I realized in my whole life I had not been this happy for this long. The amount of consistency was exactly what I had hoped for. I felt like such a real adult. There was no yelling, no crying, no fights. I had considered counseling and attending meetings before but I was so happy that I put it off. When I took on the extra responsibility with my brother I visited my doctor and tried stress medication. (did not help at all, but I want to show that I am making and have always made an attempt to get myself under control.)
I have realized on my own I will never be top of my game with my brother and father in my life. When I mentioned to my dad my plans to attend an AA meeting I'm unsure if he understood why. I haven't had an issue with alcohol since my ex and I split two and a half years ago. Its easy for me to decline alcohol or control my intake when I dont have someone pouring me shot after shot. His response was AA is for whiners and a crutch for my problems and that he never got anything from it. (he's never been an alcoholic to my knowledge and I bet has only been to a few meetings if that so I cant really dissect what he meant by his statement but it did not seem encouraging or helpful.) I'm not sure what problems I must have to him, but I know I've confided in him that while I was with my ex I was suicidal, self harmed and self medicated. Actions I absolutely refrain from now, though with my brother being here it gets harder each time but I am still in control.
Ahhh admitting all of this feels great but I clearly need to direct all of this to a counselor. I know that. I will get there. I will go to therapy. Ive said it every year for the last 3 so this year I will go. Going to a few meetings of AA and al-anon will help until I get to where I am comfortable committing to a therapist.
Again, thank you all for listening and responding. This has been insightful and made a real difference in my life to have people I can speak to and learn from.4 -
Went to AA. It was okay. It was painful, but was nice to relive something I've swept into the deep and tried to forget about. Definitely going back. Next week it will be al anon. If anyone is on the edge of attending, just go. The people were friendly and it made me happy to see so many people trying to stop their drinking problem, or so many who succeeded.2
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SicklyMixed wrote: »I got tired of feeling like crap so I cute these people out of my life. Which was very hard because after losing a parent I became very fearful of being alone, and snipping two people from my life felt very lonely.)
Yep, I hear you. The problem with cutting toxic parents out of your life is that when you do it, nobody issues you a new set of parents! It just doesn't seem fair.0 -
Stop bailing him out. You are just enabling his poor decisions and are becoming part of the problem.
Find someone to look after your kid other than your brother because it sounds to me as if you are using that as an excuse for why you need to keep him in your life. I suspect the real reason why you want your brother in your life is because you love him and you want the dream "ending" but you can still love someone and not have them around.
Accept the reality as it is atm-you don't have the sort of relationship with your brother that you'd like and tbh, there is a good chance that you never will; life will go on regardless and you will be fine.
Just go concentrate on you and your kid-those are your only two responsibilities in life. Everyone else will have to learn to look after themselves.0 -
rheddmobile wrote: »
Yep, I hear you. The problem with cutting toxic parents out of your life is that when you do it, nobody issues you a new set of parents! It just doesn't seem fair.
I'm only where I'm at right now because of the women in my life who looked at me and saw something other than a whiner. They lifted me up by watching my so when I was at work, treating me to home cooked meals, and listening to my woes. I just needed someone who was on my side.
My dad came back the next day and said a very positive and helpful comment, I'm not sure what made him say something so unlike him. His first response about me attending meetings basically brushed it off as stupid, and that my issue with my brother was small, which left me feeling hopeless and unheard or comforted. The next day he wrote that basically I matter and I am entitled to my feelings and they deserve to be heard. That I'm allowed to be happy even if the people around me aren't. So, that was insightful and unlike him and really helped me move on. It felt like a huge burden to cut out my brother but today I'm good. Haven't heard from him, guess he's still going to work.
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SicklyMixed wrote: »rheddmobile wrote: »
Yep, I hear you. The problem with cutting toxic parents out of your life is that when you do it, nobody issues you a new set of parents! It just doesn't seem fair.
I'm only where I'm at right now because of the women in my life who looked at me and saw something other than a whiner. They lifted me up by watching my so when I was at work, treating me to home cooked meals, and listening to my woes. I just needed someone who was on my side.
My dad came back the next day and said a very positive and helpful comment, I'm not sure what made him say something so unlike him. His first response about me attending meetings basically brushed it off as stupid, and that my issue with my brother was small, which left me feeling hopeless and unheard or comforted. The next day he wrote that basically I matter and I am entitled to my feelings and they deserve to be heard. That I'm allowed to be happy even if the people around me aren't. So, that was insightful and unlike him and really helped me move on. It felt like a huge burden to cut out my brother but today I'm good. Haven't heard from him, guess he's still going to work.
the thing is these people need to learn that you dont need their approval on how to feel or anything else. let your brother do this to your dad and see how he likes it.if he finds meetings stupid thats his OPINION and hes entitled it but should be supportive if you want to go to them no matter what he thinks. The issues with your brother are not nor were they small. But since you are getting things on track like I said you do you! do whats good for you and your son. you and your son come first before anyone else. if they dont like it then can lump it.1 -
I have a bro like that. He lies so much my kids started calling him uncle walt (as in walt disney and his fairytales). I recently drew the line. If you don't set boundries he can't respect them. Just keep an eye on the kids and keep your distance from him for a bit. He can't grow up if you still baby him.
Hope it all works out.
Now if only I could apply my own advice to my mother LOL not as easy to deal with as my brother but instead of eating when I get upset and can't vent I now workout. Burns of calories, frustration and makes me stronger for the next time.1 -
I'm going to the gym now as I signed up for a membership this month. I almost invited my brother to the 14 day free trial since we used to work out together years ago but decided I wasn't ready to pretend like we were friends.
Not only did he go behind my back, but he didn't even invite me to a wedding or ket me celebrate it with him. That kinda hurt. I wish we could just do things normally. I would have advised him not to do it, told him I was cutting my help, but we could have discussed it without drama and anger. He just expected me again to pick up any loose ends of his actions. He flaunts that I have a choice but outs me in a hard spot. The narrative to me is, "I am suffering, you can choose not to help me but look, I have X problem because of my actions and I need your help. You don't have to help." and then he waits for my guilt to set in.
It's mostly over now. My weight loss has resumed as I can focus on the gym more and CICO. 198.2lbs today.
Tomorrow I'm going to al-anon and have a fitness assessment at my gym so big day. Thanks for all of the support.
I hope you learn to draw the boundaries I should have years ago. I'm putting it all in God's hands.1 -
Hang in there. It’s not surprising, given what you’ve posted, that you have family members who would discourage you from doing things (like attending Al-Anon or AA) that might help you find your exit strategy from the current situation.
I have a friend who used to say that learning to stop ‘stuffing her face’ meant first having to learn to ‘face her stuff.’ IT’s not an easy process, and it’s a process that comes in fits and starts, but sounds like you have at least gotten started.2 -
I'm seacond oldest of 5 kids. My siblings drive me up the wall. At times but what can i do. There not worth me getting angry any more. I'm so much more at peace0
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Today he asked for a favor. I said call a tow truck or pay me but don't ask me for any more favors. He retorted with he's sending his children back to stay with their mother. The same mother who has been homeless and living in the street since we, my fiance and I, drove down to get them 2 years ago. I knew it would come to this. It's still painful to know they are being sent into *kitten*.0
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