‘‘Tis the season for rude comments
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witchaywoman81
Posts: 280 Member
Day after Thanksgiving. Yes, I overdid it, but who didn’t? And I also know that I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. I have started and stopped this journey too many times to count. I have about 50-60 pounds to lose. I know I’m fat. I’d have to be an idiot not to know that.
So this morning my mother texts me and says I’ve gained a lot of weight and she’s concerned. Exactly how was this supposed to be helpful to me? I just wanted to cry.
I should also add that she has leukemia. While her prognosis is good, it’s been stressful for everyone...and yeah, maybe I use food and alcohol a little bit to help cope.
I am a work in progress, but I’m trying.
So this morning my mother texts me and says I’ve gained a lot of weight and she’s concerned. Exactly how was this supposed to be helpful to me? I just wanted to cry.
I should also add that she has leukemia. While her prognosis is good, it’s been stressful for everyone...and yeah, maybe I use food and alcohol a little bit to help cope.
I am a work in progress, but I’m trying.
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Replies
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I hope you text your mum back saying all that?
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Maybe a phone call is in order? Perhaps your mom is concerned that while you are worrying about her you are not caring for yourself,and she may truly want to see you happy and healthy. I don't know you or your mum, but I know I've said things to people meaning something completely different than what they read, ESPECIALLY over text when so much can be missed/misread!
In a phone conversation you two can discuss - you can explain how you are painfully aware of the changes, and that there are reasons, and maybe she can explain her concerns as well. Since she's dealing with a life threatening situation, she may have even higher concerns of seeing those around her being happy and healthy, knowing how it may affect them later in life.
Maybe she is just being rude, since I don't know either of you I obviously can only see what you've typed here, but I often find that texts and messages are often misinterpreted.18 -
witchaywoman81 wrote: »Day after Thanksgiving. Yes, I overdid it, but who didn’t? And I also know that I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. I have started and stopped this journey too many times to count. I have about 50-60 pounds to lose. I know I’m fat. I’d have to be an idiot not to know that.
So this morning my mother texts me and says I’ve gained a lot of weight and she’s concerned. Exactly how was this supposed to be helpful to me? I just wanted to cry.
I should also add that she has leukemia. While her prognosis is good, it’s been stressful for everyone...and yeah, maybe I use food and alcohol a little bit to help cope.
I am a work in progress, but I’m trying.
Some mothers use focusing on their children as a way to deflect from their own issues.
I struggle with depression and anxiety and work really hard to manage stress with exercise rather than food.10 -
I don't know your mother so this may not apply but I find that some people just have no idea that what they are saying is hurtful.
One time not long ago my dad introduced my sister to a friend as his "beautiful daughter" and me as his (adjectiveless) daughter. Now it is true that she is very beautiful, especially compared to her plain, tomboy of a sister, but there are many things that I am that she is not. He could have said his intelligent daughter, his successful daughter, his married daughter, his fit daughter, his reliable daughter or the mother of his grandson among many other things that I am but she is not. It was momentarily distressing that none of these things occurred to him but I don't think he even realized what came out of his mouth. Even if he did, I know I am these things and I know he knows these things without needing him to verbalize it.
Maybe it is similar for your mother? She's expressing concern not mocking you or actively trying to hurt you and it just came out the wrong way? There's not really a good way to say what she's trying to say so perhaps just try to focus on the fact that she cares for you?
We tend to put our parents on a pedestal and expect a lot more from them than other people we know but remember that parents are just regular people trying to do the best that they can with what they have. You didn't come with an instruction booklet and there was a whole lifetime of experiences, traumas and baggage that shaped who they are and how they behave that have nothing at all to do with you.
I hope that your mother overcomes her leukemia and life returns to normal for you all very soon.25 -
TavistockToad wrote: »I hope you text your mum back saying all that?
I did. She said her intention wasn’t to hurt my feelings and she apologized...however, I didn’t respond to that message right away because I was cleaning my house and then there were a few more messages about how I blame her and she’s a horrible mother. Sigh. This is pretty much how all of our conversations go.
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witchaywoman81 wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »I hope you text your mum back saying all that?
I did. She said her intention wasn’t to hurt my feelings and she apologized...however, I didn’t respond to that message right away because I was cleaning my house and then there were a few more messages about how I blame her and she’s a horrible mother. Sigh. This is pretty much how all of our conversations go.
My relationship with my father was often tense. I finally realized I should just stick to talking politics with him, and not expect anything from him but being great for talking politics. Once I made that change, I was able to enjoy him much more.
Unfortunately, he passed in 2014. Oh, the conversations we would have had starting in 2015!
We can choose our friends, but we can't choose our family. We will be less disappointed if we have realistic expectations.12 -
witchaywoman81 wrote: »Day after Thanksgiving. Yes, I overdid it, but who didn’t? And I also know that I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. I have started and stopped this journey too many times to count. I have about 50-60 pounds to lose. I know I’m fat. I’d have to be an idiot not to know that.
So this morning my mother texts me and says I’ve gained a lot of weight and she’s concerned. Exactly how was this supposed to be helpful to me? I just wanted to cry.
I should also add that she has leukemia. While her prognosis is good, it’s been stressful for everyone...and yeah, maybe I use food and alcohol a little bit to help cope.
I am a work in progress, but I’m trying.
I'm sure you didn't mean this to come across this way any more than your mother meant to hurt your feelings, but this could easily be read as you blaming your weight gain on your mom because she was so inconsiderate as to get leukemia.
See how easy it is for the things we say and type to across differently than we meant them?
Even if her comments about your weight are a long-term source of friction between you, is this really the time you want to pick to start ignoring her apologies and feeding your resentment over her response when you don't respond to her apologies? If you throw some big emotional thing at somebody in a text (as she did with her initial text of concern and then you did by telling her that you're only having problems because she has leukemia), you ought to be willing to stick with the conversation and respond to their response (as she did) and not treat it as though it is less important than housecleaning (as you did).
I'm not saying the fault is all yours. But your mom's not here on these boards talking about her situation, so suggestions about how she could handle things better would be pretty pointless.20 -
I didn’t ignore her apology though. I didn’t answer her immediately and she got angry with me. This happens every time I share my feelings with her, going back YEARS. She’s allowed to say whatever she wants, but I’m not allowed to have any feelings about it. I guess I have to develop a thicker skin where she’s concerned and just learn to take it.4
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My mom was like this. Then she got colon cancer and passed in 2013. People are who they are. You have to decide your limits and boundaries. Also, what's important in the grand scheme.5
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »My mom was like this. Then she got colon cancer and passed in 2013. People are who they are. You have to decide your limits and boundaries. Also, what's important in the grand scheme.
So sorry for your loss. ❤️
My mom and I have a complicated relationship where my weight is concerned, going back to when I was 13 and she helped me diet to lose some extra weight. My weight has pretty much been up and down ever since, but it has really started climbing since I had kids. I was doing pretty well when I had my daughter but at some point I stopped putting myself first and the weight continued to creep up. I think I have a lot of emotional issues that I’ve hid behind food, but I started going to therapy and I’m hoping that’ll help.
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »My mom was like this. Then she got colon cancer and passed in 2013. People are who they are. You have to decide your limits and boundaries. Also, what's important in the grand scheme.
^^Thanks. This is mostly what I was trying to get at, but you said it more succinctly and with more compassion.
Fortunately, my mother and I had gotten past these kinds of frictions a few years before she died, through a combination of my trying to look for the expression of concern in what felt to me like poking at things I was already aware of, and her trying not to get defensive when I would be unable to stop myself from telling her that it was really hurtful. I remember an occasion that started out with her asking whether I wanted the quilt my grandmother made for me as a wedding gift when I was still a small child, because my grandmother knew she was reaching the end of her quilting years. I was single in my early to mid 30s, and I reacted as though my mother were saying that it was obvious that I would never get married -- probably because I was fat -- and would spend the rest of my life alone, and that I was somehow worth less than siblings who had married. We both ended up crying and hugging.
But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.7 -
Moms can push your buttons like nobody else. It's unfortunate that she picked a holiday to talk about your weight. I hope venting about it made you feel a little better.
Sounds like finding some other coping strategies might help you. It's hard to give up the things that give you comfort right when you need comfort most. I'm still working on substitutes for "comfort food" like comfort spiced tea, working out to music I like, running, and fancy fingernail colors. Hey, no one ever got fat from having metallic purple fingernails, right? And it works for me. I hope you find some strategies that work for you.3 -
@witchaywoman81 oh I feel for you! No one can hurt you as family can . It’s just not accepted to say you can’t relate to your mom.... I’m not sure why .You shouldn’t feel like you need a thicker skin , mean is mean !
I just decided years ago that I can’t make my mom be what I need her to be so I’ll try to remember the good times and ignore the negativity..... it’s hard and my moms 74....
Hugs to you , you are not alone 🌸
Don’t anyone tell me to appreciate that I have a mom .... I know I do she calls 3times a day ☹️3 -
Phoebe5164 wrote: »@witchaywoman81 oh I feel for you! No one can hurt you as family can . It’s just not accepted to say you can’t relate to your mom.... I’m not sure why .You shouldn’t feel like you need a thicker skin , mean is mean !
I just decided years ago that I can’t make my mom be what I need her to be so I’ll try to remember the good times and ignore the negativity..... it’s hard and my moms 74....
Hugs to you , you are not alone 🌸
Don’t anyone tell me to appreciate that I have a mom .... I know I do she calls 3times a day ☹️
How is, 'you've gained a lot of weight' --said to someone who acknowledges being 50 to 60 lbs overweight -- 'and I'm concerned' mean? Sometime mean is all in the head of the person interpreting the remark.10 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.
I guess what I was trying to do was take another, healthier approach. Instead of dying a little inside but saying nothing to her about it, and then having the feeling come out later in a snide comment in an unrelated situation, I chose to tell her that I know I’m fat but that her comments hurt me and I’m doing the best I can. Through therapy I have learned that my family of origin is TERRIBLE at communication. I decided I want better for my kids.
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Phoebe5164 wrote: »@witchaywoman81 oh I feel for you! No one can hurt you as family can . It’s just not accepted to say you can’t relate to your mom.... I’m not sure why .You shouldn’t feel like you need a thicker skin , mean is mean !
I just decided years ago that I can’t make my mom be what I need her to be so I’ll try to remember the good times and ignore the negativity..... it’s hard and my moms 74....
Hugs to you , you are not alone 🌸
Don’t anyone tell me to appreciate that I have a mom .... I know I do she calls 3times a day ☹️
How is, 'you've gained a lot of weight' --said to someone who acknowledges being 50 to 60 lbs overweight -- 'and I'm concerned' mean? Sometime mean is all in the head of the person interpreting the remark.
Maybe not “mean,” per se, but definitely not constructive or helpful, and the day after Thanksgiving, the biggest eating holiday of the year, to boot.
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I cared for my mom as she passed away from lung cancer. While in the hospital for an extended stay for tests, she insisted that I run to her house to get her cigarettes so she could smoke outside, off of hospital grounds. I was upset, under stress, and caring for a 1 year old, and she had me making cigarette runs. In the meantime, she made a point of reminding me that being fat was just as bad for you as smoking (I've been overweight most of my adult life and gained 30 lbs during that time that I was caring for her). No advice here... people are just disappointing
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I cared for my mom as she passed away from lung cancer. While in the hospital for an extended stay for tests, she insisted that I run to her house to get her cigarettes so she could smoke outside, off of hospital grounds. I was upset, under stress, and caring for a 1 year old, and she had me making cigarette runs. In the meantime, she made a point of reminding me that being fat was just as bad for you as smoking (I've been overweight most of my adult life and gained 30 lbs during that time that I was caring for her). No advice here... people are just disappointing
So sorry for your loss. ❤️
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witchaywoman81 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.
I guess what I was trying to do was take another, healthier approach. Instead of dying a little inside but saying nothing to her about it, and then having the feeling come out later in a snide comment in an unrelated situation, I chose to tell her that I know I’m fat but that her comments hurt me and I’m doing the best I can. Through therapy I have learned that my family of origin is TERRIBLE at communication. I decided I want better for my kids.
I think expressing how it made you feel is a good thing. The problem is that you want her to respond to what you say in a specific way, and that's just not a realistic expectation.
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »witchaywoman81 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.
I guess what I was trying to do was take another, healthier approach. Instead of dying a little inside but saying nothing to her about it, and then having the feeling come out later in a snide comment in an unrelated situation, I chose to tell her that I know I’m fat but that her comments hurt me and I’m doing the best I can. Through therapy I have learned that my family of origin is TERRIBLE at communication. I decided I want better for my kids.
I think expressing how it made you feel is a good thing. The problem is that you want her to respond to what you say in a specific way, and that's just not a realistic expectation.
I didn’t say that. 🤷♀️ I was simply venting about the initial text this morning and how it hurt me. I know that I can’t control how she responds. And I never blamed my weight on her leukemia either. I was fat long before she was diagnosed.
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