‘‘Tis the season for rude comments

witchaywoman81
witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
edited November 29 in Health and Weight Loss
Day after Thanksgiving. Yes, I overdid it, but who didn’t? And I also know that I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. I have started and stopped this journey too many times to count. I have about 50-60 pounds to lose. I know I’m fat. I’d have to be an idiot not to know that.

So this morning my mother texts me and says I’ve gained a lot of weight and she’s concerned. Exactly how was this supposed to be helpful to me? I just wanted to cry.

I should also add that she has leukemia. While her prognosis is good, it’s been stressful for everyone...and yeah, maybe I use food and alcohol a little bit to help cope.

I am a work in progress, but I’m trying.
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Replies

  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    I didn’t ignore her apology though. I didn’t answer her immediately and she got angry with me. This happens every time I share my feelings with her, going back YEARS. She’s allowed to say whatever she wants, but I’m not allowed to have any feelings about it. I guess I have to develop a thicker skin where she’s concerned and just learn to take it.
  • rheddmobile
    rheddmobile Posts: 6,840 Member
    Moms can push your buttons like nobody else. It's unfortunate that she picked a holiday to talk about your weight. I hope venting about it made you feel a little better.

    Sounds like finding some other coping strategies might help you. It's hard to give up the things that give you comfort right when you need comfort most. I'm still working on substitutes for "comfort food" like comfort spiced tea, working out to music I like, running, and fancy fingernail colors. Hey, no one ever got fat from having metallic purple fingernails, right? And it works for me. I hope you find some strategies that work for you.
  • Phoebe5164
    Phoebe5164 Posts: 79 Member
    @witchaywoman81 oh I feel for you! No one can hurt you as family can . It’s just not accepted to say you can’t relate to your mom.... I’m not sure why .You shouldn’t feel like you need a thicker skin , mean is mean !

    I just decided years ago that I can’t make my mom be what I need her to be so I’ll try to remember the good times and ignore the negativity..... it’s hard and my moms 74....

    Hugs to you , you are not alone 🌸

    Don’t anyone tell me to appreciate that I have a mom .... I know I do she calls 3times a day ☹️
  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    edited November 2018
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.

    I guess what I was trying to do was take another, healthier approach. Instead of dying a little inside but saying nothing to her about it, and then having the feeling come out later in a snide comment in an unrelated situation, I chose to tell her that I know I’m fat but that her comments hurt me and I’m doing the best I can. Through therapy I have learned that my family of origin is TERRIBLE at communication. I decided I want better for my kids.
  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member

    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    Phoebe5164 wrote: »
    @witchaywoman81 oh I feel for you! No one can hurt you as family can . It’s just not accepted to say you can’t relate to your mom.... I’m not sure why .You shouldn’t feel like you need a thicker skin , mean is mean !

    I just decided years ago that I can’t make my mom be what I need her to be so I’ll try to remember the good times and ignore the negativity..... it’s hard and my moms 74....

    Hugs to you , you are not alone 🌸

    Don’t anyone tell me to appreciate that I have a mom .... I know I do she calls 3times a day ☹️

    How is, 'you've gained a lot of weight' --said to someone who acknowledges being 50 to 60 lbs overweight -- 'and I'm concerned' mean? Sometime mean is all in the head of the person interpreting the remark.

    Maybe not “mean,” per se, but definitely not constructive or helpful, and the day after Thanksgiving, the biggest eating holiday of the year, to boot.

  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    try2again wrote: »
    I cared for my mom as she passed away from lung cancer. While in the hospital for an extended stay for tests, she insisted that I run to her house to get her cigarettes so she could smoke outside, off of hospital grounds. I was upset, under stress, and caring for a 1 year old, and she had me making cigarette runs. In the meantime, she made a point of reminding me that being fat was just as bad for you as smoking (I've been overweight most of my adult life and gained 30 lbs during that time that I was caring for her). No advice here... people are just disappointing :(

    So sorry for your loss. ❤️
  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    witchaywoman81 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.

    I guess what I was trying to do was take another, healthier approach. Instead of dying a little inside but saying nothing to her about it, and then having the feeling come out later in a snide comment in an unrelated situation, I chose to tell her that I know I’m fat but that her comments hurt me and I’m doing the best I can. Through therapy I have learned that my family of origin is TERRIBLE at communication. I decided I want better for my kids.

    I think expressing how it made you feel is a good thing. The problem is that you want her to respond to what you say in a specific way, and that's just not a realistic expectation.

    I didn’t say that. 🤷‍♀️ I was simply venting about the initial text this morning and how it hurt me. I know that I can’t control how she responds. And I never blamed my weight on her leukemia either. I was fat long before she was diagnosed.
  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    witchaywoman81 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    witchaywoman81 wrote: »
    lynn_glenmont wrote: »
    But you can't change another person. You can only change how you respond, and you can try asking them to change themselves. Sometimes that will change the dynamics of the relationship. Sometimes it won't. You can live with it as it is, you can do what you can to change your responses, or you can limit or eliminate contact. Those are your choices.

    I guess what I was trying to do was take another, healthier approach. Instead of dying a little inside but saying nothing to her about it, and then having the feeling come out later in a snide comment in an unrelated situation, I chose to tell her that I know I’m fat but that her comments hurt me and I’m doing the best I can. Through therapy I have learned that my family of origin is TERRIBLE at communication. I decided I want better for my kids.

    I think expressing how it made you feel is a good thing. The problem is that you want her to respond to what you say in a specific way, and that's just not a realistic expectation.

    I didn’t say that. 🤷‍♀️ I was simply venting about the initial text this morning and how it hurt me. I know that I can’t control how she responds. And I never blamed my weight on her leukemia either. I was fat long before she was diagnosed.

    Maybe I'm not expressing myself well. When you texted that her original expression of concern about your weight was hurtful, and she apologized, and then got angry when you didn't respond, that wasn't the response you were hoping for, right?

    No, that’s not what happened. She responded to me while I was cleaning. I didn’t see it right away so I didn’t respond right away. And when I did see the apology, she had already followed up with the stuff about her being a terrible mother before I had a chance to see or respond to the apology.
    And if you were fat long before she was diagnosed, how was the statement in your OP about using food and alcohol to cope with your stress over her illness even relevant? What were you trying to tell us with that statement? Again, you probably didn't mean it this way, and again, another good example of things we say (like "you've gained weight and I'm concerned") can be misinterpreted, but to me it sounds like, "OK, I'm taking in too many food and alcohol calories but I'm only doing it because I'm worried about her, so how dare she mention it to me!"

    Because it’s been a pattern with me. I have some unhealthy coping mechanisms I’m working to change. I didn’t say anything about that to her either, just added it here for context. I’ve actually gained only about 5 lbs since she got sick, but more like 20 over the last year.

  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
    who would do that to someone? sounds abusive to me. My parents would say things like that to me and I think they are the main reason I gained weight! What I mean is I emotionally eat and geez people should watch what and when and how they say stuff.
  • witchaywoman81
    witchaywoman81 Posts: 280 Member
    lemurcat2 wrote: »
    Don't know if this will help, but...

    I have a difficult relationship with my father. Among other things, he was a nasty drunk when I was growing up and would be critical of my mother about her weight (which she was always struggling with, but never hugely overweight). When I was a teen (and not fat at all) he would tell me I was fat when in a fight (I was into confronting him for a while and would pretend not to be bothered, but this was something I very much internalized even though I pretended I did not care, since it was important to me that he not know he hurt me). There's more and worse, but this is the relevant bit.

    Anyway, he stopped drinking when I was in my mid 20s, and gradually became a better person, although he continued to be pretty insecure and to lash out if he perceived someone else attacking him. For some reason his feelings are extra-easily hurt by me, and vice versa (I care too much about what he thinks even though I'd say I reject a lot of his views and values).

    When I was fat later in life (and I was very fat), I believed that he was embarrassed by that (when I'd lost weight and been in really good shape before he made comments that made me think me being in shape was really important to him, for superficial reasons). Around this time my mom started having health problems (related to a genetic health condition), which followed on a period of time when she'd been reasonably inactive due to an injury and gotten out of shape again (probably on the edge of obese, but not more so).

    I visited my parents (largely because of my mom's health worsening) for the first time after I'd gotten pretty heavy and he started hinting about wanting to talk to me about "my health" (which I was having no problems with) and said more direct things to my sister about me (she said to leave it). Ultimately, when I was planning to go out there the next time I had a ridiculous amount of stress and didn't want to go (although obviously I had to, because of my mom), because I knew he was going to look down on me and see me as a failure because I was fat, and also because I didn't think I could take the conversation with him telling me I was fat (as if I didn't know).

    I was freaking out to such an extent that I considered writing him a long email explaining that I knew I was fat and was working on it, but found it unhelpful to have him telling me what a failure he saw it, and then ended up just calling him and saying "look, I'm really out of shape, I know it's not great, I know you find it embarrassing, but I'm working on it and you talking to me about it will be counterproductive." He said basically thanks for trusting me with that, I am not embarrassed, I am just worried because I think your mom's weight affected her health/quality of life (which is also frustrating because according to the doctor no, and I think he was blaming her, but anyway).

    Clearing the air helped a lot, I knew I was fat, and didn't expect people not to notice, and I kind of believed he was concerned or thought he was, and was not just trying to put me down/use it as leverage. Family experience being what it was, I wasn't totally sure, but we were able to get along, and I was able to not have that added stress on everything else surrounding the situation with my mom (who died one year ago).

    So it's possible your mom really is just concerned, and in any case don't get drawn into the drama and try to focus on the important things. You told her how you felt, you can tell her you didn't immediately see the texts and appreciate the response, and the subject should be over. Family patterns are really hard, but a lot of it is not worth it, especially if she's sick.

    What rheddmobile said about not expecting people to change is pretty much right on. If they do, great, but I think you can't expect it.

    Thank you for this. ❤️
  • born_of_fire74
    born_of_fire74 Posts: 776 Member
    Perhaps also consider that there are likely things you do or say that your mother finds hurtful but you don’t realize and/or don’t intend. Not to say that any of your mother’s actions or statements here are your responsibility or that you deserved it in any way, just that sometimes some perspective can help—she made a mistake or else gifted you the opportunity to be a better person by treating it as a mistake, even if it wasn’t.
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