Advice for me re: teenage daughter

Perhaps it is the whole *teenager* phase, where you are trying to get her to do one thing, and she is doing the opposite instead. if she's eating constantly it maybe due to boredom or comfort eating. Do you sit down to have meals together? lunch? dinner? etc

I have a 20 year old daughter... we've been through some tough times too -- not with weight, but with school grades. I'm a teacher, and sometimes a control freak. Since grades were important to me, that was the battle ground. I have had to step back and hold my tounge with her. Since I have done so, her grades have improved and she is doing well in college -- this was not the case during her final years of high school when I was focused on her grades.

How old is your daughter... if she is in her late teens or older, my suggestion is for you to stop owning her weight. Do not bring up the topic of weight with her. Whenever she brings it up, communicate to her that she is responsible for her weight, and that you have faith in her abilities to choose what to eat. Have healthy choices around for her and model appropriate eating and exercise behaviors.

I spent lots of money on therapy to learn that when we mothers let go and hand over the responsibility to our older children, things tend to work out. Its a lot less stressful for us when we no longer battle for control... plus our children become more capable and confident...

Good Luck! The mother-daughter thing is really challenging:-)

I was that girl as a teen, my mom pushed and pushed back even harder. It wasnt until she left me alone and i wanted for myself that i became serious and lost weight. I was super resentful when she'd lecture and push and unfortunately the only way to cope was sneaking food because i was critiized when i snacked in front of her.

My daughter is 15 and I think what helped her is that we do it together. We eat keep a food diary and we joined the gym together and we go almost every day. Once we walk into the gym, we kind of head to different machines but at the end we always say, So how did you do today? I'm going to paste two posts I've made that may be helpful for you.............

1, Buy some cheap, colored bangle bracelets. I have black, gold and silver. In the morning, I put 5 (you can determine how many), of each color on my right wrist. Black is for water, gold is for fruit and silver is for veggies. As I have a serving of each, I move the appropriate bangle from my right wrist to my left. The bracelets are cool and she can keep track of healthy eating without anyone knowing. It may be a good start for her and keep her focused.

2. Once my daughter had some NSVs, she would write them on a post-it sticky and put them on the wall in her room. So, when she tried on a pair of pants and needed a belt- STICKY NOTE. When she saw in the mirror that she could see some muscle tone in her arm - STICKY NOTE. When she felt more confident in a bathing suite - STICKY NOTE. When someone noticed - STICKY NOTE> All positive things, each one important but when she sees all of them on the wall, she knows her hard work pays off.

3. Our gym offers a complimentary visit with a personal trainer. Have someone else meet with her other than you.

4. Our family is a family of bakers (pastry, specifically). Try the books, eat this not that. cook this not that. They just talk about eating all kinds of foods but thinking first and why choosing one over the other could make a difference in a positive way.

I hope some of these are helpful.

She will bake cookies and banana bread from scratch when I'm not home. Other than locking the fridge and cupboards...

Don't lock anything... when she bakes, take a small portion for yourself, and tell her how delicious it is. DONT nag or give "the mother talk."

You can't MAKE her... that's what this is all about. Once she knows you aren't trying to make her, she will be responsibile for own weight.

I would say, don't buy the junk food for her to eat in the house. Change your whole families lifestyles by bringing in different healthy foods and snacks that the whole family can enjoy and try together.

Invite a night once a week where you and her get together and try to make a healthy dinner for your family, or for her friends.

I would also encourage her to bake, but challenge her to make healthy snacks and desserts, that you can eat as well. Since I started my healthy lifestyle, I decided that I still need to bake, but I challenge myself to make crazy healthy and low-fat deserts that my friends and family will eat.

Hope this helps.

BalanceBeam, as someone whose mother 'tried to help me eat healthy' from 11 years old there's not much you can do. Give her the support she needs with the depression and healthy food in the house. But the reality?

You can't change her habits. In fact you could be inadvertently making them worse.

I am SO screwed up from years of being asked 'should you eat that? Lauren you're getting bigger' I was 5'6 and 70kg at 12. I was healthy. After sixteen years of the BS I'm now 130kg. As you can tell it worked WONDERFULLY having my mother 'help' me.

Leave her be. I struggle with a lot of resentment towards my mother, because no matter what she refuses to admit that she didn't handle it very well. I love my mum to death, but she drives me up the wall as she will not realise that doing the same thing she's done for sixteen years will not magically start working today.

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

I feel like this poster was writing my story.

I know that you (the OP) have stated that you have taken your daughter to doctors and counselors, but have you taken your daughter to a cognitive behavioral therapist that specializes in eating disorders? I found this type of therapy very helpful in my weight loss journey as I struggled through my 30's.

I say back off. Tell her that you care about her weight, and will help her in any way she asks you to, but tell her that she now owns it. It is her life and it is up to her. As hard as that will be for you, it will probably decrease any resentment she has for you (and as someone who has/is walking that road, she has resentment, although it may be lurking in her sub-conscious at this point) and may spur her to make positive choices related to her weight and health.

My family and I are all taking a weight loss / healthier lifestyle journey together. And throughout this journey, we've had to make many adjustments to the way that we used to view food - particularly desserts.

I can empathize with your daughter. I have always run to food for comfort; and because that's been my MO since adolescence, I've become quite a good baker. Weight loss is not about denial, it's about moderation. I HAD to find a way to keep some of my treats in the menu, so as part of a science experiment with my daughters, I've begun accurately calculating total calorie content of all baked goods, and as an extension, calories per serving.

Amazed and sometimes disgusted from where the bulk of the calories come, we've started on a mission to change all of our 'tried and true' recipes to make them less calorie dense while still maintaining the flavor we love. We've taken trips to the store together to look for new and interesting ingredient options. We've substituted homemade applesauce for oil. We've started growing and using Stevia in baked goods. We've started making our own jams and jellies for pastry fillings. We've even started adding beans to brownie batter to reduce the amount of flour used.

Because we are over complicating things and making some ingredient components ourselves, not every treat is finished and consumed at the end of a baking session. The end product can sometimes be delayed for days, so the lower calorie treats don't have to be added to the food diary till later - keeping our weight loss on track. Some don't turn out so great, but when they do, the excitement and pride we feel overpowers any sadness that drove us to the kitchen to begin with.

This new way of baking has made me feel creative and proud of what I am serving my family. I feel satiated by still being able to eat a fresh baked cookie, and I feel better about myself because I am still making a effort to better myself.

Maybe the answer isn't restricting your daughter's baking. Maybe the answer is to challenge her creativity. See if she can make a cake for under 200 calories a slice that actually tastes good, or a semi-guiltless cookie. If she gets good enough, publish the recipes or open your own Skinny Bakery and retire.

I disagree with some of the posts above about letting it go and not helping her. You would never turn your back on your child if they had anorexia or bulimia, so why would you turn your back on your child who is suffering from an overeating disorder??

Sometimes, people do certain behaviors as a cry for help. If she was truly embarrassed about her behavior, she would try to hide it. However, since she is dangling the evidence in front of you, I think she is asking for your help without saying those words. Think about it this way. Oftentimes, we are scared to say what we want. Let's say you're sitting at home with your family, and you really want Chinese food for dinner. Some people can just come right out and say, "Hey, I really want Chinese tonight." And some people can't. They might start by talking about how hungry they are, and wait for someone to validate that yes, they are hungry too. Then you start thinking of places to eat by your house, and then Chinese food finally comes up. That's a pretty bad example, but my point is that it is awfully hard to come out and say what you want.

Help her now while she is still underage. It's much harder to help your child after they turn 18.

My mother was the same way with both my sister and myself, and I can understand your concern completely. You do want her to be healthy and feel good about herself and motivate her to make good choices. Unfortunately sometimes it doesn't work with everyone. My sister continues to put weight on from eating out often, never hitting the gym etc. and wonders how it happens.

I knew when i was a teen I wasn't happy with the way my body appeared and by my mothers comments I knew she felt the same way and it would make me feel worse about myself. But I was unwilling to make the changes at that point. I think the important thing here is **DON'T LET THIS BE THE ONLY THING YOU TALK ABOUT WITH HER** (not that you do) but my mother became obsessive over it and the more she said the less I heard anything she mentioned. When she only talked about this I felt even worse and never thought i would be good enough for her (ie: I thought she would always find something wrong with me or something i could improve instead of loving me for just being her daughter)

I'm sure she is aware of her weight if she was willing to go through certain measures that you recommended, It's the follow through she has problems with in the long term, which is a battle of her own personality finding that discipline and balance. Even if she loses weight now when she moves to college or moves out on her own without monitoring and being reminded she will pick the weight back up. I would talk to someone (maybe a counselor) about ways to help your daughter to delay impulse gratification (I want brownies therefore I will make them now and eat 1/2 a pan because they taste soooo good). Removing brownies from the home she will find them elsewhere unless she has the skills to think "1 is enough".

I hope what i said wasn't offensive, as it wasn't meant to be. I know you are honestly concerned as you should be.