Advice for me re: teenage daughter

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  • hbrekkaas
    hbrekkaas Posts: 268 Member
    I think you are doing all you can do already. You can keep the junk out of the house, encourage her to eat better, invite her to exercise etc. but you can't force her to do anything. She is a teenager, and has her own mind and needs to make her own decisions. Just let her now that you are always there for her and keep doing what you are doing.
  • gfchica
    gfchica Posts: 54 Member
    I don't really have any advise for you but I've enjoyed reading what everyone is suggesting. I have 16 year old twins, they just turned 16, and no matter how much I talk to them about healthy eating and drinking enough fluids, they just don't want to hear it from me. Even with exercise. They don't like their thighs and we bought an elliptical and they use it but not seriously. I've casually mentioned how they should be working out on the elliptical if they really want to see results in fitness but I left it at that. I eat separate meals, mostly due to food issues, but I eat much healthier than my family but I still cook them well rounded meals. The problem is that they love carbs and will always eat more of those. I've realized that all I can really do at this point is continue to set a good example and let them come to me for help if they want it. They know that they have poor eating habits but I don't think they believe that it's really that bad for them. They'll try all kinds of diet tips from friends and magazines, looking for a quick fix, but they aren't interesting in investing themselves in long term habit changes. At least not yet. I wish you the best of luck with your daughter.
  • mermx
    mermx Posts: 976
    I am an ex child psychologist (retired) you have had lots of good advice from previous posts :-)

    In the main, she is 16 yo? she is trying to find her way in life and make her mark against you and the establishment in general! She wants to go along with what you are telling her, because she still has `a childs` mind but in otherways she is developing into a young woman and wants to stamp her own opinions an not be `told what to do`

    My advice is to do as you have been doing try to lead her, be supportive, but not pushy, make out that your suggestions are her own ideas.

    Take her shopping with you, ask her to do the shopping? Give her responsibilities but limit them.

    It is very difficult, she has a lot of hormones and at this age, she probably goes through stages where she loves you and hates you all at the same time.

    Just be consistent (which is very hard) and you will get there

    Good luck x
  • cabaray
    cabaray Posts: 971 Member
    Is she obsessive with other things besides food? She could be OCD. With proper medication, it could be better. My daughter would hide food. We took her to a psychatrist and with the right meds, she lost over 20 pounds and no longer obsesses about food. Also, if she's been diagnosed with depression, I would take her to a psychiatrist rather than a general practioner as there could be other things going on. Just my two cents.
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    For her baking, maybe get rid of the baking supplies...I am sure her skills will not disappear!!!

    Get rid of the vanilla extract, don't stock sugar in the house, nor baking soda/baking flour.

    Keep lots of fruit and popciscles (low calorie) for when she wants something sweet. Also try high-fiber tasty cereals ^.^


    For beverages, maybe only keep bags of tea and bottles of water in the house...have her make tea or drink water if she is thirsty (0 calories).


    I hope this helps!!!! =)
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
    I disagree with some of the posts above about letting it go and not helping her. You would never turn your back on your child if they had anorexia or bulimia, so why would you turn your back on your child who is suffering from an overeating disorder??

    Sometimes, people do certain behaviors as a cry for help. If she was truly embarrassed about her behavior, she would try to hide it. However, since she is dangling the evidence in front of you, I think she is asking for your help without saying those words. Think about it this way. Oftentimes, we are scared to say what we want. Let's say you're sitting at home with your family, and you really want Chinese food for dinner. Some people can just come right out and say, "Hey, I really want Chinese tonight." And some people can't. They might start by talking about how hungry they are, and wait for someone to validate that yes, they are hungry too. Then you start thinking of places to eat by your house, and then Chinese food finally comes up. That's a pretty bad example, but my point is that it is awfully hard to come out and say what you want.

    Help her now while she is still underage. It's much harder to help your child after they turn 18.

    I completely agree with this btw! Unless your daughter is telling you something like, "big is beautiful, I love being overweight" etc then...chances are she would probably prefer to be thinner. I agree that she probably does this in front of you as a cry for help. She wants you to step in as her mom and DISCIPLINE HER. This means saying, "NO!" when she eats poorly and rewarding her when she does well (ex. buy her a dvd she likes or give her a gift certificate to the mall).

    Ask your daughter if she would like to be thinner, or she is happy at her weight. If she earnestly says she is happy at her weight, ask why to double check she is. If she likes it, that's that (although I would still suggest finding ways to make her lose a little weight, such as only keeping small amounts of sugar or butter in the house plus limiting other baking supplies such as eggs). If she seems unhappy with her weight, offer to be her coach. Tell her you will give her rewards and encourage her in losing weight. And follow through!

    Good luck!!!
  • KnottyNCrotchety
    KnottyNCrotchety Posts: 442
    My 17 year old daughter and I struggle with this too. For her it is not an eating disorder, but part of her ADD. She is simply unable to think ahead to see the consequences. She wants ice cream, so she eats ice cream, without thinking that if it was a box of 6 ice cream bars and there are 6 people in our family, then she is really only supposed to have one and leave the other 5 for the rest of the family. While my daughter has a more severe lack of ability to forsee the future in her decisions, it is something that all people under the age of 25 struggle with as their brains are just not developed enough for this. I worry constantly about diabetes, cholesterol problems and more, but agree with others that the more I make a big deal about this the less it helps her. Really, really hard.

    Anyhoo...I don't know if your daughter exhibits any other signs of Attention Deficit Disorder, but it is often overlooked in girls as they rarely have the hyperactivity component that makes it so obvious in boys.
  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
    I have a daughter who is 5'0" and 175 lbs. She is a compulsive overeater (sneaks, binges, seeks high sugar-high carb foods) and she is sedentary; a bad combination.

    Last summer (2010) I sent her to weight loss camp for a month (with her consent). She dropped 10 lbs., became more fit, and could recite all the do's and dont's of weight loss.

    Since she came back, food sneaking has worsened. She has gained about 15 lbs. in the past year. Everytime she goes out with friends, she eats; when she's left alone she eats. She eats no fruits or vegetables. I know this is very unhealthy. I've taken her to doctors, counselors, etc. How can I will her to get on a healthy path?

    Did I mention she wants to be the next cake boss? Even though I don't stock snacks in the house, she'll bake them while I'm at work.

    Having stubborn teenagers myself, I feel for ya'.

    First, stop keeping stuff in the house that enables her to bake the crap she wants. It may take some sacrifice on your part as well but if she doesn't have the supplies to make what she wants then that will limit that. Where is she getting money from to eat out all the time? If she's using lunch money then stop giving her lunch money and buy stuff for her to make healthy lunches with. It really comes down to you. If there's anything that you're doing that might be enabling the behavior then you'll need to stop. I know my wife like to negotiate with the kids on everything and there's a point where you have to step back and stop negotiating, they're kids and kids need a yes/no answer and that's it.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    Also maybe she should get a job to keep busy and keep her mind off food. Preferably one not in the food industry. She could cashier at a store like Target or Walmart, or work at an after school program, or even just volunteer somewhere!!
  • JNick77
    JNick77 Posts: 3,783 Member
    Also maybe she should get a job to keep busy and keep her mind off food. Preferably one not in the food industry. She could cashier at a store like Target or Walmart, or work at an after school program, or even just volunteer somewhere!!

    That could be really good and could be bad. It would be good because it could give her some self-confidence and maybe that would help. It could be bad because if it's not a self-confidence issue then she now had more money for crap and would be working in a pace that sells plenty of it.
  • SabrinaJL
    SabrinaJL Posts: 1,579 Member
    My 17 year old daughter and I struggle with this too. For her it is not an eating disorder, but part of her ADD. She is simply unable to think ahead to see the consequences.

    Ya know, I've had a lot of fights with my 17 year old about food too, but for some reason, it never occurred to me that it might be connected to her ADD . Her problem isn't overeating, it's not eating right. A lot of times she won't eat breakfast or lunch because she "didn't think about it". And when she does eat, she eats a lot of junk. But due to the fact that she's a perfectly healthy weight (right smack in the middle of normal bmi) she thinks she should be able to eat however she wants.

    I finally washed my hands of it. Said she's almost 18 and she's gonna have to figure it out for herself. And of course, since I did that, she's actually been eating a lot healthier lately.
  • happydeer
    happydeer Posts: 10
    Encourage your daughter to think about college plans -- she might need to be intellectually and emotionally engaged in a new environment before she'll really be able to come to terms with whatever is driving her rebellion. Also, to be terribly blunt, colleges are places where a lot of people become more conscious of their bodies. I didn't really come to terms with my eating habits as a teenager (which were not particularly extreme, but just very unthinking) until I was in the dorms as an undergrad, where I had classmates who were really dedicated to exercise and eating well. The key part was that they were MY classmates (not my parents) and I was able to learn a lot of cool stuff from them. In the right environment, your daughter's knowledge about nutrition could play out very well.

    At my grad school, our recreation center has an instructional kitchen, and students often put on healthy eating programs. It's a major social element for undergrads of all sizes and fitness levels, and you can bet that (for better or worse) a lot of people really do talk openly about weight and health. Your daughter might just need a change of scene for it all to click and feel actionable.
  • haircrazie016
    haircrazie016 Posts: 12 Member
    I dont have a lot to add, but I did want to say, I started going to fat camp when I was nine years old up until I was sixteen, and honestly I LOVED it! I went to camp pennbrook it was all girls, and my best friend to date is a girl I met there when I was 12. Every summer I lost around 20 lbs, and every year i would gain it all back plus some, primarily because my dad was a single dad and my diet consisted of pizza, chinese food, pizza, french fries, and more pizza! Not to mention I was and am an emotional eater, My relationship with my dad was a rocky one, and sugar/carbs were my comfort, so even though fat camp didnt exactly "work" in terms of getting fit and staying fit, it helped me know I wasnt alone. I couldnt relate to my friends as they were all thin, I had no one to talk to about my struggles and feelings about how I looked in my everyday life, fat camp was totally different, people understood, girls there felt the same way and we worked on building our confidence together, every year when i came home i felt great my self esteem would be high and I was happy, then things would get bad at home and old habits would take over... but that doesnt have to be the case with you and your daughter, since it sounds like you desperately want to be supportive and help your daughter succeed. If she has any interest in going back to camp, definitely do it! and while she is there take notes of what she does, what she eats, and what she enjoys there, so when she gets home you can make her favorite meals together, and do her favorite workouts together. make sure you tell her how proud you are of her, and how much you love her...and my best advice is get her out of the house for fresh air everyday! As someone who deals with depression, it was always hardest when i wouldnt leave the house and just stayed in and ate ate ate! Having someone to just motivate you a little bit to go for a walk, can really make depression turn around before it gets too intense.
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