Goal weight still overweight
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Yeah. I originally thought 220 was a good goal weight for my 307 lb self. Then when I got there, I switched to 180 and thought that might be too small on my wide hipped 5'8" frame. It really wasn't. I have now spent years "maintaining" in the range of 165-180 and for awhile I considered 150 my goal weight. I have never gotten below the 160s (like, I haven't been in the 150s since late elementary school - age 11) and honestly when I was at my very lowest (just a few pounds lighter than 169 where I am right now), I felt like my features looked weird and I had way less libido. So I guess I'll stick with the 160s-170s permanently. Plenty of 5'8" women have way lower goal weights and my weight still puts me in the overweight category on most charts. I am fine with this.
One thought: a lot of people use terms like heavy, large, overweight when describing those who are obese or even morbidly obese. It sounds a lot nicer. But medically, the actual "overweight" category (not obese) is a far better place to be with far less risk for many issues that are associated with obesity.
As for worries about being abducted or attacked...I agree that therapy might be an excellent idea for those who are consumed with such concerns. However, I must comment that I have had some (minor) concerns with that myself. I'm tall but when I weighed 250 lb and more (most of my adult life), I always felt like it would be really hard for someone to overpower me. At one time I worked with adults with severe developmental disabilities and I was very good at helping to calm them and block violent actions toward staff or peers. Now, I don't feel I am "weak" (lift heavy things easily for example) and I'm not so small at 169 lb. But my husband can easily pick me up and even though he's joking around, it is a very freaky feeling. My husband's a big guy, muscular at 6'2" and around 240 lb...but it's creepy to think that probably a lot of men even my own size could overpower me. I got in a couple of fights when I was a teenager and I would always be the one to control the outcome due to my size, and ferocity, but mostly size in my estimation. Both times, the other girls were shorter and lighter. Then again, maybe I was just in denial before about my vulnerability to some kind of attack. Who knows. Hoping none of us find ourselves in that situation!11 -
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kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.10 -
My initial goal weight was just to lose 10% from my SW (which was in the Class II Obese range for my height), because I had BP, blood glucose, and cholesterol readings that were all edging toward the point of needing medication, and I repeatedly saw/heard from medical sources that just losing 5% or 10% of your weight could make a difference. I found it so much easier to lose weight using the tools on MFP than it had every been with any other approach I had tried that I just kept going until I had lost 20% (which was the upper end of obese), and went into maintenance mindset, with an upper limit my original GW. I've been happy there, and my BP, blood glucose, and cholesterol have stayed in healthy ranges.
I don't think you should feel compelled to hit some number on a chart, certainly not because that's what other people say they are doing, although with the health issue you mention that keeps you from exercising, I think it would be a good idea to consult with your doctor/medical team as to whether a lower weight would be better in your circumstances.2 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »Yeah. I originally thought 220 was a good goal weight for my 307 lb self. Then when I got there, I switched to 180 and thought that might be too small on my wide hipped 5'8" frame. It really wasn't. I have now spent years "maintaining" in the range of 165-180 and for awhile I considered 150 my goal weight. I have never gotten below the 160s (like, I haven't been in the 150s since late elementary school - age 11) and honestly when I was at my very lowest (just a few pounds lighter than 169 where I am right now), I felt like my features looked weird and I had way less libido. So I guess I'll stick with the 160s-170s permanently. Plenty of 5'8" women have way lower goal weights and my weight still puts me in the overweight category on most charts. I am fine with this.
One thought: a lot of people use terms like heavy, large, overweight when describing those who are obese or even morbidly obese. It sounds a lot nicer. But medically, the actual "overweight" category (not obese) is a far better place to be with far less risk for many issues that are associated with obesity.
As for worries about being abducted or attacked...I agree that therapy might be an excellent idea for those who are consumed with such concerns. However, I must comment that I have had some (minor) concerns with that myself. I'm tall but when I weighed 250 lb and more (most of my adult life), I always felt like it would be really hard for someone to overpower me. At one time I worked with adults with severe developmental disabilities and I was very good at helping to calm them and block violent actions toward staff or peers. Now, I don't feel I am "weak" (lift heavy things easily for example) and I'm not so small at 169 lb. But my husband can easily pick me up and even though he's joking around, it is a very freaky feeling. My husband's a big guy, muscular at 6'2" and around 240 lb...but it's creepy to think that probably a lot of men even my own size could overpower me. I got in a couple of fights when I was a teenager and I would always be the one to control the outcome due to my size, and ferocity, but mostly size in my estimation. Both times, the other girls were shorter and lighter. Then again, maybe I was just in denial before about my vulnerability to some kind of attack. Who knows. Hoping none of us find ourselves in that situation!
But, statistically, some of us will.4 -
I don't see a problem at all with your goal weight. You might get there and decide to lose more, you might not. My goal weight as a 5'8'' woman is 160. This is technically on the edge of being overweight, but I've been there before and know I liked being there.0
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Re: fear of becoming a target if you are normal weight. The reality is that even obese women are sometimes attacked. My good friend who is morbidly obese was attacked by a man who as it turned out sought out obese women in particular. Ugly women, old women, and even strong, fit men are sometimes the targets of sexual predators. Intentionally trying to make yourself unappealing isn't something you should have to do, plus it isn't something that works.
I urge you not to give up on professional help. And to the degree that there are real dangers which all of us face, take realistic precautions to avoid them, ones which will actually do something useful. Being more than 300 lbs did not help my friend, because obesity is not a superpower.13 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
Honestly I think you need to find a new therapist. I've been in and out of therapy (mostly in) for 16 years or so. Various different therapists, different cities (and two countries), and different therapeutic modalities. It wasn't until I started seeing my current therapist that things started falling into place more. I'll still need likely years of therapy, but there's far more forward momentum than there was.
Shifting the focus off of me, there is probably some small part of you that realizes that your weight won't actually keep you protected from men (or women) who want to assault you. It might seem that it will, but it really won't because assault and abuse are more about power and control than anything else, including standards of beauty. If it was simply about not being overweight or obese, only people of "healthy" weights (or people who are underweight) would be getting assaulted which simply isn't the case.
Regardless, I am far more worried about your mental distress than your weight.11 -
I too have plans to only gett ing down to 155. I acheived this wieght once before and maintained it for 5 years. All the while i tried to lose more but couldn't. That failure resulted in depression and major weight gain. I would love to have that weight problem again. I looked good and technically felt good except it was considered to be fat (obese). I do not care any more what some index says I should be, instead once i acheive my goal of 155 I plan on enjoying being that weight.2
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I am 5ft 1 and aiming for 140 that’s 10stone. I used happily sit between 9.5 and 10 stone. I will review again nearer to target. When I was 9stone I looked quite ribby0
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.15 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".9 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »Anyone else have a goal weight that still puts them in the overweight category? I am 5'2" and my goal weight is 160lbs. That puts me at overweight, 1lb under being moderately obese. The charts say the highest I should be is 121. I think that is absurdly ridiculous.
I started 12 weeks ago at 235 and am currently 198.
Anyone else have a higher goal weight?
You should stop losing weight according to whatever you are comfortable with unless medically told you need to lose more. BMI charts are based on populations not individual. I am at my goal weight of 160 at 5'5 but that is also considered overweight. I don't think you have to base your personal goal on anything other than what you are personally comfortable with.2 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
Honestly I think you need to find a new therapist. I've been in and out of therapy (mostly in) for 16 years or so. Various different therapists, different cities (and two countries), and different therapeutic modalities. It wasn't until I started seeing my current therapist that things started falling into place more. I'll still need likely years of therapy, but there's far more forward momentum than there was.
Echoing this. I recently terminated with a therapist after about 2.5 years, because I realized we weren't getting anywhere -- and I was placing the blame squarely on my shoulders.
Well, it turns out that it wasn't either of our fault -- I just needed someone who does CBT or DBT, and she only did interpersonal and art. And what I needed was more problem solving and less "let's talk about feelings and life, and let that trickle down into fixing the other problems."
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i only worry about 10 pounds at a time. where i end up is where i end up.
lost 130 total so far. ideally, have 30ish more to go, but... whatever. if i get there i get there, and if not im still living a healthy lifestyle.
and find a better therapist.8 -
My doctor gave me a healthy weight range of 145-165 for my height and build. That’s how I chose my initial goal. It was just to be somewhere in that range. Once I got here I re-adjusted based on how I felt. Whatever goal you set now doesn’t have to be your final goal.
I’m between 5’7” and 5’8” for reference. The top end of the range given by my doctor put me just outside the BMI chart recommendations but only by a few pounds.
Edited to add - based on the OPs comments I definitely agree with looking for a different therapist. I have PTSD and a history with eating disorders. It took multiple therapist before I found the right one. My eating disorder was definitely linked to my trauma, as a way of punishing and controlling my body. I’d suggest looking for a therapist who specializes in eating disorders since your food intake and desired weight is directly linked to your phobias just based on my own experience. When I started working with someone who got the eating and food part she finally helped me separate and work on the two things individually while acknowledging how they were very much linked.2 -
SarahMorganP wrote: »Anyone else have a goal weight that still puts them in the overweight category? I am 5'2" and my goal weight is 160lbs. That puts me at overweight, 1lb under being moderately obese. The charts say the highest I should be is 121. I think that is absurdly ridiculous.
I started 12 weeks ago at 235 and am currently 198.
Anyone else have a higher goal weight?
Literally in the same boat as you. Same height/weight goals.1 -
I'm 5'10 and my UGW is around 175 which is a few lbs over a healthy BMI. I've been 175 before, i've been lower as well and I know 175 for me is my limit. Everyone carries weight differently2
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.4 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
That's an excellent book. Constant fear, not calibrated to situation, is not its message. Very nearly the opposite.kshama2001 wrote: »lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »cmriverside wrote: »SarahMorganP wrote: »I look back at pics from when I was 120 and my body looks like a little girl. It doesn't interest me in the slightest to look like that. I got down to 165 in 2011 and stopped because I started getting comments from men. I'm not at all ok with that. I'm much older now though so I hope when I do get down to 160 it won't be the same thing.
What do you mean, you started getting comments from men? You mean flirty or lecherous comments?
Cat calls. Or whistles. Just gross stuff like that and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I have a phobia of men. Every second of my day is pretty much filled with thoughts of being raped or abducted. Being fat makes me feel safer since it would be a lot harder for someone to drag me anywhere at 200lbs than 120lbs.
Therapy would likely be helpful for you.
You would think. But I've been to more therapists than I can count. No help. The phobia stays. I just no longer go anywhere alone, without my husband so that helps. But even at work if I end up on the elevator with a man by myself it's full blown panic and trying to come up with all the ways I could escape if he tried anything.
I went through a lot of therapists before I was able to find one who was able to help me with my predilection for making bad choices in men.
I used to have panic attacks a lot more, and am not sure why they went away, because I haven't had therapy for a number of years and do not take regular medication for it. However, I do consistently get regular exercise.
In situations like yours on the elevator I find mantras calming. In this case, I would have used the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear from Frank Herbert's "Dune".
"I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Having pepper spray in my purse and having recently taken self defense classes would also reassure me.
******************
In other situations I would find the Loving Kindness Meditation helpful. Here's the version I learned:
May I be full of loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Fear is a gift. Convincing people to distrust fear is gaslighting.
"The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence" by Gavin de Becker
*Edited to fix gender-specific language.
@lynn_glenmont yes, I'm familiar with that book, and have employed its principles myself when online dating. Two guys got my spidey senses tingling and I was able to look them up in Florida's comprehensive-and-not-concerned-with-privacy databases and found domestic violence convictions involving two different women each. After that, if something felt wrong, I just moved on, without requiring similar documentation.
That's not what the OP is describing though. She describes her fear as a phobia, which is both by definition and as she is using it an "irrational fear".
I was responding to a post that described fear as something to be eliminated, as though it is in all cases irrational, never a signal to be reckoned with.
I read the post you were replying to as suggesting techniques for managing fear that was not commensurate with a situation: "Panic attacks" was the term used, and it was being used by someone who said they've had them.
Suggesting ways to moderate panic attacks is not "gaslighting."12
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