When others sabotage your efforts
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MrsBradyBunch wrote: »One person advised me to ask for something else instead. "No, I don't want any of that, thank you, but could you please refill my water?" And that accomplishes the same thing. I could refill my own water, but he likes to do for me. This satisfies both needs.
I use this strategy with people who offer something I don't want or try to encourage seconds of something that I don't feel is worth the calories, and I know they're just trying to be a good host or show their love with food.
"Would you like some more of the sweet potato casserole?" "Thanks, but what I'd really like is some more of those roasted brussels sprouts -- you really got a yummy caramelization to them! And that little piece of ham, with the browned edge? Thanks!"
"Do you want the apple pie, or the pumpkin, or a slice of each?" "Oh, I couldn't now, I'm too full. But I'd love a cup of coffee! Anybody else? Shall I make a pot, or just a cup for me?"
I'm not saying this would work with your family, as they don't sound at all like they're coming from a normal place, but in normal situations, most people are just as happy to give you something you do want (assuming it's available) rather than the thing they thought to offer.
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I’m diabetic too. When I was diagnosed I had a heart to heart with my husband, and told him that I needed to get my weight and diet under control or there was a serious risk that I might die. I showed him some statistics - diabetes is no joke, and greatly increases the risk of death from cardiovascular events, the flu, strokes, not to mention direct complications of diabetes itself. And I told him that anyone who wanted me to die was my enemy and I would treat them as such. No more asking me to finish half his plate. No more expecting me to go out for junk food every day. And so on. And he has always been good about it, ever since then. I wonder if a similar talk would get through to your family members, or at least the family members your daughter has the most direct contact with. Death is bad, and morbid obesity greatly increases mortality, and nice family members don’t try to push their family along the road to death.
Then again it might not work - I think most people by now are aware that smoking kills, and trying to force someone who is quitting to smoke again is just not right behavior.
In any case, if you wanted reassurance that you are not overreacting, you can have it. You are allowed to want to be alive and to protect yourself from people who don’t value your life.6 -
Sounds like you need to move far far away. Worked for me, never looked back. I have a great relationship now, on the phone, 8 states away lol. Far enough that they won't spend the $to sabotage in person. Be your own person. If you move or not. Be healthy for you, not them.2
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It's negative, rude and annoying, yes, but it's only "sabotage" if you allow it to change your behavior.
I would try to spend less time with them and more time with people who support your values and goals. Do you have friends who are also trying to either lose or manage their weight? Do you belong to a gym or other group where you can find like-minded people?
Just NOT hanging out much with the negative dysfunctional people will be a life changer!6 -
This woman hounds me to eat the ice cream even though I said no thank you. She lost 100 lbs. Really don't know why she would push food on anyone. The other day I turned down cookies. Immediately a man said "You're on a diet!" I said no, I don't like coconut. I think people do like to see others bigger than themselves or like you said, to have you be the weaker one. Many times I do succumb to the food. Why? Sure, I want to eat it. Even though I said I wouldn't because of my plan or health. Deep down, I am still compulsive with the food. I have to remain strong and determined to my own decisions and not let anyone deter me from it.2
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Sounds like you need to move far far away. Worked for me, never looked back. I have a great relationship now, on the phone, 8 states away lol. Far enough that they won't spend the $to sabotage in person. Be your own person. If you move or not. Be healthy for you, not them.
She did move
Her grown daughter still has contact with them and that was triggering her.1 -
Remember this, misery loves company. That's it with your whole story. I have people in my life like this as well. They are fat or out of shape.
Also remember that "NO" is a complete sentence.
In the future if someone puts the slice or whatever in front of you (rudely), just get up and throw it away. Done. Set boundaries.6 -
I've dealt with similar situations with, "Thank you. I don't want any of that right now, but it was kind of you to offer."
When I'd get the inevitable pushback, I'd simply say, "Thank you. I don't want any of that right now, but it was kind of you to offer."
Rinse and repeat.
Most people got it on the second run-through.
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My friends who know I'm dieting are supportive because I've told them that I'm facing some health issues (which is true). To all others who inquire, I say "I"m cutting back on sweets, so no thanks but it looks delicious." Again, most have been supportive.1
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I haven't had anyone try to sabotage me and your examples do sound really extreme.
The silly type comments you mentioned though - birthday cakes don't have calories, but it's Sunday,etc - sure, people make them and I've probably made them myself too.
But always been in light hearted way, everyone knows is not meant literally and then accepted No anyway.2 -
Is it possible that you talk too much about your food and your diet, and they are kind of rebelling against you because they don't know how to have a good time without always being reminded of your goals? On the flip side, when I read the part about shoving a cigarette in your mouth, I was literally like... why wouldn't she just find new friends...
I also am just not in the same space as food and friends unless it's Sunday evenings, and then it's taking turns cooking for each other's families. So I can't relate to "constantly" being in the middle of food negotiations with people. I'm either getting ready for work, at work, letting my kids rest at home. It's really just once a week I'm in the friend/food mash-up.1 -
Kathryn247 wrote: »I've cut ties with immediate family members. It's not worth having people in your life who treat you badly just because they're related to you. Take care of you.
Exactly. That is why I cut ties with my paternal grandmother 7 years ago.0 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Have we all come up against this at some time or another?
Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
Sabotage is rife. Stay focused and continue with doing what works for you, to stay on course. Those who are entitled to your life, will never once rescind their efforts. They'll keep coming at you, committed to destabilising your center and balance.
You need not explain your choices and decisions, especially now, with this lifestyle overhaul. We're all accountable to our inactions and habits, when it concerns our quality of life - health, nutrition and fitness.
Rock on and work it ... Do you - be your First Person and Priority.
Why do you suppose people do this? What matters is what you'll choose to do for yourself, that'll prove their ineffectiveness. Anything and everything that is out of their control and influence.
Had to pop in to your thread again today because I do privy facets of these levels of abuse, intended to discourage some friends efforts with most areas of their lives - sabotaging their personal economy, their eating plans, their fitness regimens, their sleep, never once taking the initiative to do and finish anything ... All the while, at the precipice of the arrival of the first child, some choose to quit their jobs, with zero motivation to find anything substantial, not even for their families, to ease the sole provider - the expecting mothers.5 -
Is it possible that you talk too much about your food and your diet, and they are kind of rebelling against you because they don't know how to have a good time without always being reminded of your goals?
I just wanted to address this honest question.
Family gatherings were frequent. When I lived with my grandparents, we went out to an all-you-can-eat buffet once a week. There were elaborate gatherings every holiday, and on a lot of birthdays, and any time somebody was in from out of town. Every time we got together, activity centered around eating. Then, whether or not I had said anything about it, all eyes stayed fixated on my plate. I drew unsolicited comments any time:
1.) I took a second helping, or ate something sweet or rich. Whereupon they'd tell me how fat I am and that I should go on a diet. Even though everybody else in the room is eating the same things I am, and as much or more of it.
2.) I passed up that second helping, or that something sweet or rich. When offered, I said, "No, thank you." Whereupon they'd try to persuade me. Don't be so strict, a little bit won't hurt, I can ignore my diet just this once, etc.
I would hear both of these, back and forth, all evening, during the *same* family gathering. Eat, don't eat, I was wrong either way. Note that I was not the only overweight member of the family. Some of those telling me I'm getting too fat and I should go on a diet--they were heavier than I was.
When I did tell them I'd been on a diet, I thought they'd be proud. After all, I'm doing what they told me I should do, right? They'd ask questions. How long have I been dieting? About a month now. Have I lost any weight? Yes, five pounds. That's great, how am I doing it? By concentrating on lean meats, fruits, and vegetables, and staying away from sweets and starches.
So when the eating starts, guess what they're *immediately* going to start piling in front of me? Hint: Not the lean meats, fruits, and vegetables.
After I moved away, my younger sister, her son, and both of my children eventually followed in my footsteps. All of them tell me the family had started treating them the same way in my absence.12 -
yes, sounds like they have a new scapegoat.
I think your only option is to keep away as much as possible - it sounds too extreme to be 'corrected' by anything you can do.4 -
In the beginning of my journey my mom used to do this. I know her intensions weren’t ill. She was just always so used to be eating whatever she was cooking. But I had to be stern with her and let her know this is what it is. You’re either gonna support me or move out of my way 🤷🏾♀️4
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Last weekend, my sister asked my dad to grab her a bag of the Easter egg peanut butter m&m's. I said "Oh great, I'll have a few of yours." My sister playfully went back and forth on how she wasn't giving me any of her m&ms. Dad saw this and decided to get us both a bag. He was just trying to be helpful and stop a sibling "argument." He knows it's something I love, but he also knows I'm trying to watch my intake. But he didn't do it to be malicious, he did it because he loves me and wants me to be happy. I ate a few each day I was there and left the rest for someone else to enjoy. I told my sister that while I really appreciated it, I really didn't need it b/c I only wanted a few. We laughed b/c that's dad and that's his love language.
This sounds like your husband. It sounds like his love language is offering you things he know you enjoy. He's not intentionally trying to sabotage you. He just wants you to be happy. Just continue to gently drive home that while you appreciate it, you don't need it.
Funny how our default often is to speak to others in our Love Language, when we really should be speaking their Love Language.
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In the beginning of my journey my mom used to do this. I know her intensions weren’t ill. She was just always so used to be eating whatever she was cooking. But I had to be stern with her and let her know this is what it is. You’re either gonna support me or move out of my way 🤷🏾♀️
I wish I could put an exclamation point on that "like" I just gave your post.2 -
MrsBradyBunch wrote: »Have we all come up against this at some time or another? It doesn't even have to be a party or a holiday. Sometimes it's just the family supper. I have found that the worst thing I can do is let anybody know I'm watching what I eat. The minute I say that, cue the food pushing. Whatever I just told them I'm cutting down on, that's what they're going to push. For example, I tell them I'm concentrating on fruits, vegetables, and white meat, and they'll immediately suggest going out for a double bacon cheeseburger.
It's easy to advise me, "Well, just say no." Of course I say no. They keep pushing. "Oh, come on, just have a little." They'll tell me all things are good in moderation, that I don't have to be a fanatic about it, that I shouldn't get carried away and lose too much weight or get too skinny. "Skinny" is one word that has never described me, and they're telling me this while I still have a BMI over 40. A lot of times they tell me I don't need to worry so much about losing weight because I'm beautiful the way I am. Well, thank you very much, but it's not about being beautiful. I'm diabetic and have arthritis, and I'm trying to improve my health, here.
Sometimes they'll make jokes. "We have a machine that takes out all the calories." "Calories don't count on Sundays /birthdays /whatever holiday it is." Or they'll squint and look closely. "Calories? I don't see any calories." They'll try to make me feel rude and unsociable if I turn it down. "Aunt Martha made this. Are you going to hurt her feelings?" I've had family members actually cut me a slice anyway and put it in front of me, completely disregarding that I've said no several times.
They did it with cigarettes and alcohol too. That is, pour me a drink, or actually shove a cigarette into my mouth, even after I told them I'm trying to quit. Generally the people who push alcohol and cigarettes on me are drinkers and smokers themselves, but not all of the ones who push food on me are overweight. To put a stop to this, I've had to go so far as cutting ties with some family members. I moved thousands of miles away and have no contact with them now.
Now, why do you suppose people do this? Is it really what I suspect? And what I suspect is, they want to keep me overweight and unhealthy so that they can feel superior to me. As long as I'm the low person on the family or social totem pole, then at least they're not at the bottom. This gives them room to 1.) "tease" me with fat jokes, and 2.) gossip among themselves about how big I am, all the while pretending to be so concerned about me. Am I reading this right?
Yes you are reading this right. Man is not inherently good and will rail against the successful (be it wealth, fitness, etc.) as those truly successful people are a living reminder that they are the cause of their own problems.
Ignore them, this is a central point to narcissistic behavior and defies all logic. You cannot reason with someone who thinks this way. All you can do is limit your time with them and remove all control they have over you.3 -
It's all nice to say thank you and I agree with you letting them know why (they are family, haha). My sister went vegetarian and my grandma made a big meaty meal and my sister declined and she explained why but my grandma just scoffed when she found out, some family members are set in their ways and don't realize what they're doing affects what we want. The way they seem to treat you seems unkind though, they shouldn't push you around but always try to be your authentic self and do everything with what best suits you!
Good luck on your journey and future successes!
Jas1 -
People can't affect you if you don't let them. We have no control over what others do, just how we handle it.
If one feels the need to complain, one only needs to redirect their own thoughts and actions for change. Best to direct the energy you have towards something productive than feeling frustrated. It's entirely our call how we choose to feel.3 -
The only person that can sabotage me... is me.
If people are not supportive of your choices (healthy ones like losing weight, not destructive ones), then they don't need to be a part of your life. Don't discuss things with them. Don't spend time with them. The stress that they put on you is not worth it. If you truly want to be healthy, then you need to stop allowing the toxic people to be a part of things.2
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