How do you nicely tell your partner to lose weight?
Replies
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I don't think there's anything wrong with telling a partner that you no longer desire them because of it. Honesty. You don't have to be a jerk about it, but nobody should be having sex they don't really want. It's going to hurt, but that doesn't make it wrong. Most people need a spark of physical attraction to make physical love. That's not the same as not loving the person anymore.
I don't think there's anything wrong with expressing concerns over a partner's health because of their weight. Looking out for each others health and welfare is part of the deal.
That said, your friend's guy sounds like a jerk. She should ditch him, get healthy for herself, and find someone nicer.4 -
My girlfriend and I always say that we just want to be fit and healthy, to live longer lives so we can spend more time with each other and encourage the other to keep fit whenever we are able. She has just started a new job and has her (well, our) daughter to sort out before work and is tired by the time she gets home, so I don't expect her to always be working out.
She's not overweight anyway and only has a little bit of podge around her middle, so I don't give her too much hassle about it. She's just as gorgeous with it, as without it. But obviously I want her to be healthy. I do try to use my enthusiasm to spur her on a little.
I recently started working out properly, not slacking off lol. I constantly keep her updated of what I've done (as I do with everything) and how much weight I've lost. She will always congratulate me and give me encouragement to keep going.
I would never tell her that I wasn't attracted to her anymore, because I know in my heart that would never happen. But it doesn't hurt to look after yourself. Luckily, when we're together, we won't see it as working out. It's more just spending time together.3 -
My husband very kindly told me my weight was becoming an issue attraction wise but he never told me i had to lose weight.
Because you can't. You can't make anyone do something.
That being said, sounds like bigger issues are afoot.4 -
My husband very kindly told me my weight was becoming an issue attraction wise but he never told me i had to lose weight.
Because you can't. You can't make anyone do something.
That being said, sounds like bigger issues are afoot.
And then the super athlete upside down in your profile pic? Or is that what you did to his body? Lol0 -
You are actually allowed to ask your partner to be healthier, or stop doing unhealthy activities, whatever they are. I've done it.1
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I think if appearance changes after the initial attraction phase, and it changes how you feel about that person, then there was never a real connection and moving on is probably best. But, if weight gain is cause for concern due to health issues, then it most definitely needs to be addressed if the person that has gained the weight is someone you really care about. And thats the way it should be approached.....through caring and concern and not about appearance.6
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I always wondered how men/women encouraged their significant other to eat healthy and workout... it’s rare that you see a couple where one is fit and the other is not ...That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
I had a friend who’s husband said the same and she was devastated. I can honestly see both sides and I told her as much. Yes she’s hurt but at least he was honest. She knew there had been bedroom issues, she was always telling me she needed to lose weight etc. They used to work out together all the time in the beginning but after having kids she kinda let it all go so to speak.... he met her when they were fit and active together. Your spouse should be able to be honest about how they feel. At least he wasn’t at the gym macking on every hot girl he saw.
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That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Love. Is. A. Verb.
You show someone whether or not you love them. I doubt this dude cares about anyone other than himself. As evidenced by him framing her entire body as a vehicle for his own sexual desires.
Your friend needs to find someone who will appreciate her for the kind soul she is - whatever the package might be on the outside. That, and a little mental self-love and I think she'll feel much more empowered to treat her body with kindness as well.3 -
There's no nice way to put it. I think my husband phrased it as "We should start exercising together" i.e. you need to lose weight. Even that discussion and other hints did not motivate me to lose the weight. It wasn't until I was ready and willing to lose weight that I got serious about it.
I think it's understandable if one partner was thin or muscular when they first got together to want them to go back to the way they were. I know love is about more than attraction but at the same time, it's akin to a bait and switch. Everyone has their preferences.4 -
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
That’s so hurtful. It would make me want to hide. And when I felt well enough to actually take care of myself it would be without him.That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Just curious on this - yeah it’s f’d up thing to say - so in Lieu of saying it - if that’s how he’s truly feeling, should he just break it off ?? But then what if she ask why - should he be brutally honest or just make something up? To spare hard feelings “it’s not you it’s me” thing
If he’s feeling this way then he prolly truly doesn’t love her anyway right - cause if you love someone you take the good and bad right ? Or what we perceive as bad - not all perceive being overweight as bad ..
Anyway - I find this topic interesting- where’s @1sphere - what are your thoughts homie
I believe that it's fine for guys to have a preference. That's completely normal. But it's not okay to be rude and insulting all at once. That's like touching a hot iron and expecting a nice outcome.
So if the guy would prefer if his partner lost a few pounds, I think he should suggest it in the sense of having an opinion; not in the sense that something is wrong with her. And yes, I think people need to bravely state how they feel and not keep quiet about it. If the woman does not appreciate his opinion, then that's probably the first sign that there is a lack of chemistry. My points are the same from man -> woman or woman -> man.
You can always suggest things meekly instead of being a *kitten*.
I think the main issue here as that some people are so sensitive and defensive, especially when they already don’t feel great about their weight, that any way this is phrased they may flip their *kitten*. This is kind of a screwed if you do and screwed if you don’t, type of situation.
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My husband very kindly told me my weight was becoming an issue attraction wise but he never told me i had to lose weight.
Because you can't. You can't make anyone do something.
That being said, sounds like bigger issues are afoot.
And then the super athlete upside down in your profile pic? Or is that what you did to his body? Lol
i found something i love. that helps me with my other love-food1 -
You don't. Its a quick way to ruin someones self esteem.2
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There is no nice way to "tell" your partner to lose weight. Telling someone to do something suggests you know better than they do, and that you're in a position of authority over their decisions. Partners have equal footing - there is no "telling" the other what to do.
My ex didn't grasp this concept.
He told me I was getting fat and unattractive, and when I asked (because I don't tell) if he could help me out by walking the dogs/making dinner/helping out around the house so that I could work on me a bit in my spare time (I was a vet student at the time and had about an hour of free time each evening), I was "told" that I ought to be able to handle it on my own.
Not a partner, not a partnership - not someone I want in my life. Away he went.
Since then I've lost 30 pounds (205 altogether if you count the 175 I chucked the moment I got rid of him), gotten back into the activities I enjoyed before I dedicated my time to taking care of him, and picked up a partner who is an actual partner - who treats me like an equal, who is happy to share his opinion and his thoughts and concerns but couldn't ever pull authority over me, because there is none to pull. 'cus we are partners.8 -
By example? I mean...most of the time they know when they need to lose. You don't need to point it out. Lead a healthy lifestyle and beyond that it's not up to us.1
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That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Here's the thing - he's not encouraging her to get healthier or the 'you'd look even better if'. It's just 'I'm not attracted to you anymore' The relationship is over. She's not married to him, hopefully she will take care of herself and run like hell. He's an *kitten*.3 -
Most people consider sex to be an important part of a lasting relationship. (not always)
Most people enjoy having sex with someone they are emotionally and physically attracted to. (not always)
Most people consider honesty to be an important foundation of a lasting relationship. (Always?)
Being honest is not necessarily rude. Just because the honesty is something someone doesn't want to hear doesn't make it rude. Being rude is rude. If he was a dick about it, then yeah he was rude. From what we've gotten, he was being honest and putting the ball in her court as to how to proceed. Is their emotional connection strong enough to survive the physical disconnect? We don't know. She can decide whether or not it is a relationship she wants to turn back into a physical attraction or not. Or if it would even work...
If I had to guess, regardless of if she "got back into shape" or not, they have also lost the emotional connection. Maybe not, but now that those words have been said, you cannot unhear them. Will be hard to continue the relationship with that rattling around in your head.
No one should stay in a relationship they are unhappy in. For any reason.3 -
@LiftingSpirits you gotta take on this ?
Me? Have opinions? 😉
From my experience with my own body and hearing other friends speak everyone has to make thr decision for themselves to lose weight or not. You have to have something inside you push you to take the steps. Generally someone else telling you that you need to just makes you depressed, bitter, hateful, stubborn, etc.
One could encourage the other by setting an example. Make the person a healthy dinner, ask to go for a walk together, ask to do some physical activity rather than watch a movie, etc.5 -
your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
That’s so hurtful. It would make me want to hide. And when I felt well enough to actually take care of myself it would be without him.That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Just curious on this - yeah it’s f’d up thing to say - so in Lieu of saying it - if that’s how he’s truly feeling, should he just break it off ?? But then what if she ask why - should he be brutally honest or just make something up? To spare hard feelings “it’s not you it’s me” thing
If he’s feeling this way then he prolly truly doesn’t love her anyway right - cause if you love someone you take the good and bad right ? Or what we perceive as bad - not all perceive being overweight as bad ..
Anyway - I find this topic interesting- where’s @1sphere - what are your thoughts homie
I believe that it's fine for guys to have a preference. That's completely normal. But it's not okay to be rude and insulting all at once. That's like touching a hot iron and expecting a nice outcome.
So if the guy would prefer if his partner lost a few pounds, I think he should suggest it in the sense of having an opinion; not in the sense that something is wrong with her. And yes, I think people need to bravely state how they feel and not keep quiet about it. If the woman does not appreciate his opinion, then that's probably the first sign that there is a lack of chemistry. My points are the same from man -> woman or woman -> man.
You can always suggest things meekly instead of being a *kitten*.
"You already look great to me, but I keep thinking you have the potential to look even better!"
😆
Super back handed compliment.
No need to beat around the bush. Say what you mean, mean what you say.2 -
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There is probably no easy way to have this conversation. It is such a sensitive issue. I feel that when you love someone that you will be accepting of small changes that happen with age, pregnancy, an injury, etc.
I don’t feel that it is ok to get with someone looking a certain way and then completely let yourself go and gain 50-100lbs and expect the same level of attraction to still be there. I don’t think it is a crime to want to be attracted to your partner either.
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I know what you mean, but there's a big risk that you hurt someone's feelings, man to man you can be directBasedGawd412 wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
That’s so hurtful. It would make me want to hide. And when I felt well enough to actually take care of myself it would be without him.That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Just curious on this - yeah it’s f’d up thing to say - so in Lieu of saying it - if that’s how he’s truly feeling, should he just break it off ?? But then what if she ask why - should he be brutally honest or just make something up? To spare hard feelings “it’s not you it’s me” thing
If he’s feeling this way then he prolly truly doesn’t love her anyway right - cause if you love someone you take the good and bad right ? Or what we perceive as bad - not all perceive being overweight as bad ..
Anyway - I find this topic interesting- where’s @1sphere - what are your thoughts homie
I believe that it's fine for guys to have a preference. That's completely normal. But it's not okay to be rude and insulting all at once. That's like touching a hot iron and expecting a nice outcome.
So if the guy would prefer if his partner lost a few pounds, I think he should suggest it in the sense of having an opinion; not in the sense that something is wrong with her. And yes, I think people need to bravely state how they feel and not keep quiet about it. If the woman does not appreciate his opinion, then that's probably the first sign that there is a lack of chemistry. My points are the same from man -> woman or woman -> man.
You can always suggest things meekly instead of being a *kitten*.
"You already look great to me, but I keep thinking you have the potential to look even better!"
😆
Super back handed compliment.
No need to beat around the bush. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Maybe that was a stupid phrase, and there could be something better to say...but it's point I was trying to make
Telling your significant other that you lost physical attraction to them will always hurt. It is what it is. Doesn't make you a jerk, azzhole, or some terrible human being.
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sheloves89 wrote: »There is no nice way to "tell" your partner to lose weight. Telling someone to do something suggests you know better than they do, and that you're in a position of authority over their decisions. Partners have equal footing - there is no "telling" the other what to do.
Perfectly stated.
Using the "concern for health" ploy runs the risk of the other person coming back with, "Well I just saw the dr and all my routine tests are good so I'm healthy", especially at the lower end of the overweight spectrum and in younger individuals. Nor can you dictate what choices another person makes for or against their own health.1 -
You don’t. You can’t.... If your love for someone is determined by their weight gain or weight loss than its my opinion that you don’t deserve that person in your life, for you do not understand what love is.
My wife, who is a larger woman, is not always happy with her weight, yet she’s healthy. If and/or when she decides to use our gym, I will help her with what little guidance I can, but never EVER would I tell her she needs to lose weight. Fitness model or overweight.... makes no difference to me as long as she’s healthy and happy.9 -
_Deadman_Walking_ wrote: »You don’t. You can’t.... If your love for someone is determined by their weight gain or weight loss than its my opinion that you don’t deserve that person in your life, for you do not understand what love is.
My wife, who is a larger woman, is not always happy with her weight, yet she’s healthy. If and/or when she decides to use our gym, I will help her with what little guidance I can, but never EVER would I tell her she needs to lose weight. Fitness model or overweight.... makes no difference to me as long as she’s healthy and happy.
You’re married? I had no idea. I feel like saying congratulations for some reason. 😊😁❤️
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your_future_ex_wife wrote: »_Deadman_Walking_ wrote: »You don’t. You can’t.... If your love for someone is determined by their weight gain or weight loss than its my opinion that you don’t deserve that person in your life, for you do not understand what love is.
My wife, who is a larger woman, is not always happy with her weight, yet she’s healthy. If and/or when she decides to use our gym, I will help her with what little guidance I can, but never EVER would I tell her she needs to lose weight. Fitness model or overweight.... makes no difference to me as long as she’s healthy and happy.
You’re married? I had no idea. I feel like saying congratulations for some reason. 😊😁❤️
Lol not quite. We’re engaged, but I dislike that word. We just celebrated 3 years the other day. 😊5 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »
I know what you mean, but there's a big risk that you hurt someone's feelings, man to man you can be directBasedGawd412 wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
That’s so hurtful. It would make me want to hide. And when I felt well enough to actually take care of myself it would be without him.That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Just curious on this - yeah it’s f’d up thing to say - so in Lieu of saying it - if that’s how he’s truly feeling, should he just break it off ?? But then what if she ask why - should he be brutally honest or just make something up? To spare hard feelings “it’s not you it’s me” thing
If he’s feeling this way then he prolly truly doesn’t love her anyway right - cause if you love someone you take the good and bad right ? Or what we perceive as bad - not all perceive being overweight as bad ..
Anyway - I find this topic interesting- where’s @1sphere - what are your thoughts homie
I believe that it's fine for guys to have a preference. That's completely normal. But it's not okay to be rude and insulting all at once. That's like touching a hot iron and expecting a nice outcome.
So if the guy would prefer if his partner lost a few pounds, I think he should suggest it in the sense of having an opinion; not in the sense that something is wrong with her. And yes, I think people need to bravely state how they feel and not keep quiet about it. If the woman does not appreciate his opinion, then that's probably the first sign that there is a lack of chemistry. My points are the same from man -> woman or woman -> man.
You can always suggest things meekly instead of being a *kitten*.
"You already look great to me, but I keep thinking you have the potential to look even better!"
😆
Super back handed compliment.
No need to beat around the bush. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Maybe that was a stupid phrase, and there could be something better to say...but it's point I was trying to make
Telling your significant other that you lost physical attraction to them will always hurt. It is what it is. Doesn't make you a jerk, azzhole, or some terrible human being.
If you're not physically attracted to someone - and especially you're not married to them - then why on earth would you stay with them?
It would've been 10,000 times easier for me to process if my ex had the cojones to simply say he was finished with our marriage than it was to take the constant attacks on everything about myself. By being told there were things I had to change about myself to earn his love/approval - that's just cruel.
It makes a difference I guess if your friend has gained a significant amount of weight in the time they've been together in my perspective. I've never believed that it's right to let yourself change drastically and expect your partner to still want you..... (I'd hope they would, but still - I feel a responsibility to take care of myself.)3 -
mermaidsgrave wrote: »your_future_ex_wife wrote: »
That’s so hurtful. It would make me want to hide. And when I felt well enough to actually take care of myself it would be without him.That’s a super cute story. I thought I’d ask because a close friend of mine bf told her he wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore because she let herself “go.” In a way I respect his honesty but in another way I see it as being mean and rude. I thought that would light her fire to make her start working out with me but it only made things worse. 😞
Just curious on this - yeah it’s f’d up thing to say - so in Lieu of saying it - if that’s how he’s truly feeling, should he just break it off ?? But then what if she ask why - should he be brutally honest or just make something up? To spare hard feelings “it’s not you it’s me” thing
If he’s feeling this way then he prolly truly doesn’t love her anyway right - cause if you love someone you take the good and bad right ? Or what we perceive as bad - not all perceive being overweight as bad ..
Anyway - I find this topic interesting- where’s @1sphere - what are your thoughts homie
I believe that it's fine for guys to have a preference. That's completely normal. But it's not okay to be rude and insulting all at once. That's like touching a hot iron and expecting a nice outcome.
So if the guy would prefer if his partner lost a few pounds, I think he should suggest it in the sense of having an opinion; not in the sense that something is wrong with her. And yes, I think people need to bravely state how they feel and not keep quiet about it. If the woman does not appreciate his opinion, then that's probably the first sign that there is a lack of chemistry. My points are the same from man -> woman or woman -> man.
You can always suggest things meekly instead of being a *kitten*.
I think the main issue here as that some people are so sensitive and defensive, especially when they already don’t feel great about their weight, that any way this is phrased they may flip their *kitten*. This is kind of a screwed if you do and screwed if you don’t, type of situation.
Your take on this on topic is spot on.
2
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