Diet help - Trouble with in-laws
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This is so tough. Yes it's rude not to eat with everyone else (in my opinion) but they're being terrible hosts as well -- they should be going out of their way to make you feel comfortable and providing something you can enjoy too!
At this point it sounds like you need to decide what you're going to do and just do it. Eating smaller portions and logging the best you can, bringing your own food or eat what/like everyone else is. Set the boundaries, do the same thing every week and everyone will adjust and get used to it.
Expect no one to take you seriously or respect your boundaries if one week you're on a diet and don't want the high calorie food and the next week you give in to pressure and/or temptation. Decide what you're going to do, tell your husband and ask for his support and be as polite and happy with your decision as possible.
If you opt to bring your own food it'd go a long way towards smoothing the waters to bring some high calorie/carby/fatty food offering for everyone else to enjoy too. Gifts are always a nice gesture and this one serves double duty by making it clear you're not judging or looking down on their food choices. Best wishes to you.5 -
What about if you only visit them two weekly but them have them visit in between weekly so then you only have to deal with the high carbs every fortnight and then when they come to yours you're in control of your intake0
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It's best if you can make the plate yourself spread it out, not pile high so it looks like a lot. Take everything at once so you don't have to go back for seconds...eat slowly. Work out before so you feel like you deserve this amazing food. Or eat less before hand so you have your calories saved for this special dinner.
If you absolutely can't make your own plate, How about accepting the plate of food offered graciously eat the amount you feel comfortable eating. Eat slowly push the food around...when they are not looking put a napkin on top and throw it out. When I am with family and friends I don't make a big deal about my diet or bring attention to it. Please know that I am very ethical and I would not throw food out myself...as I do not believe in wasting food. But sometimes you have to make a choice of not offending the people you are with.1 -
Just allow yourself extra calories once a week to eat even a small plate over there?
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I mean if they won't even allow you to eat a small plate that is getting a bit ridiculous. This is a bit of rock and hard place scenario - feels there is no winning per say. Peer pressure to the max.
I agree with trying to make that a carb day on your carb cycling (no clue if that is doable). eat a smaller portion, maybe bring a salad for everyone that you can use as filler. I agree for seeing if you can make it look like more than it is by spreading it out. maybe using your salad to pile on top and make it look like even more. Pick more of the foods that are leaner and less of the fatty items (if that is your preference obviously)
If they comment on portion smile and nod. see if after a few months they stop. I mean you shouldn't have to play games and be submitted to these comments each week, it's a bit much. But I think if you do the same thing each week for long enough MAYBE they'll lay off? or at least not come on as strong if they see they don't win and you are not changing?0 -
hannahm120 wrote: »They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.
Couldn't agree more.0 -
Once a week we go over to my in-laws house. They aren't really that old but they are pretty isolated and set in their ways so it's good that we make it over there to spend time with them. We usually go mid week or on a Friday evening so we can have our Saturdays free for us, date nights or meet ups with friends. When we visit either my Mother in law prepares persian food, which is high carb and high fat (and impossible to track as I have no idea what she puts in it) or we get take out (I mean KFC, Pizza, Chinese food, nothing healthy or low cal).
I am currently carb cycling so find these meals so difficult as it is impossible for me to track accurately. I've tried bringing my own food over there but the rest of the family thinks this is rude, they feel I should just eat what has been prepared or what has been ordered and will frequently gang up on me if they feel I'm not eating enough. My husband is pretty good about telling the others to leave me alone but every now and then he joins in.
Am I being rude? What's the solution here? I've reached a plateau so I really don't want to be indulging in very high calorie food (that I don't enjoy) on a weekly basis...
I would offer to make the meal and take it sometimes. I would also eat whatever it is they are having but eat less of it. For instance, if it's fast food just eat the stuff that is the least in calories if possible and leave it at that. If you've been eating good all week then that one meal in one day shouldn't set you back too much. But I feel your pain. I get it too when I go around the inlaws for a holiday or to swim in their pool. It's just "one time" or just "one meal" and to me it's a big deal though after working hard all week. I still choose to eat however I want but the comments they make are really rude sometimes.0 -
hannahm120 wrote: »They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.
I agree with you! I think it's a bit one-sided to only take in to consideration their feelings just because they are providing the food. Just because they see it as rude from their culture's perspective doesn't mean it is from her culture. She has her culture as well and it needs to be respected as well. It goes both ways. Plus she is an adult and can eat however much she wants quantity wise.1 -
I visit my brother and his family quite often...and it can be a problem there too...so when I changed habits, I had a call with them to discuss how I was eating and setting goals to avoid being offensive. So, when I arrived they were ok with me bringing my own food. After 2 months of this, they’ve even gotten more involved (they joined a gym and started eating some of the foods I was). My sister in law was even excited that her kids were now requesting lox, egg, and yogurt in the morning instead of cereal and pancakes.
This was a best case scenario...but my parents are another story—set in their ways and eat a LOT of meat. I’ve talked to them and they don’t mind me bringing my own food—but they insist on taking us out to eat a lot, which is hard to manage. So, I have had to battle with them about skipping meals out with the family...they are starting to come around. I think talking about it helps.1 -
Since they are not fans of western food (except junk food) how about doing pot luck. That way you’re assured that there’s something you would feel good about eating. Compromise is a reasonable solution. Respect for everyone’s preferences.0
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This will be the most unpopular opinion of all. But this is disrespectful to you. If you have been clear about your eating preference and they are unwilling to meet you even half way. Stop seeing them. Let your husband go if he feels he must but I would not be around people who do not respect me.
I could not imagine forcing a vegan to eat a steak. Telling someone with celiacs that you are offended they won't eat your fried chicken. So the whole "it's rude not to eat what everyone else eats" is bs.
I know that other cultures are different and that's fine but my health is very important to me. And I would not allocate all of my splurges to these visits to appease people who have no regard for me.
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I'd just stop going, and my OH would know better than to press the issue. But then, I'm not the most reasonable and diplomatic person. I think life is too short to be pushed around for the sake of politeness.6
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I feel you OP. I think the best answer was the very first one, which is to discuss it as adults when not at the flashpoint of the meal getting served.
Respectfully, all the suggestions of ways to adjust and make this food fit into OP's week make me a little bit irritated. The very decision about what to put in my mouth and body is not something I'm going to let get held ransom by someone else's opinions or unexamined feelings. It's more than food, we all know that, it's routine and control and personal agency. It's about more than the calorie math - it's about being emotionally bullied into doing something you don't want to, and not addressing that up front is going to cause more and different problems.5 -
Exactly. People should respect your right to decline, especially with food, booze and physical contact.MelanieCN77 wrote: »I feel you OP. I think the best answer was the very first one, which is to discuss it as adults when not at the flashpoint of the meal getting served.
Respectfully, all the suggestions of ways to adjust and make this food fit into OP's week make me a little bit irritated. The very decision about what to put in my mouth and body is not something I'm going to let get held ransom by someone else's opinions or unexamined feelings. It's more than food, we all know that, it's routine and control and personal agency. It's about more than the calorie math - it's about being emotionally bullied into doing something you don't want to, and not addressing that up front is going to cause more and different problems.
Set firm boundaries, and if people don't respect them then they don't deserve your time.2 -
hannahm120 wrote: »They’re the ones being disrespectful, you and your husband have set a clear boundary. Not only are they choosing to ignore your wishes, they’re berating you about trying to better yourself. I can’t think of a better way to show love than supporting someone as they work on their goals and to become more healthy. You are responsible for yourself, not the feelings of others. If you don’t enjoy the food and it doesn’t have a nutritional profile which fits with your goals, don’t eat it. It’s your choice to either give into the pressure and coddle your in-laws at the expensive of your health or you can continue to politely decline and nourish your body in a way that feels good for you.
This!!!!!!!!!0 -
My advice after 30 years of marriage with a mother-in-law who cooked large meals from the time she was 8 until she died, and always calorie laden, southern-style food, is to eat what they put in front of you for that one meal a week and adjust accordingly. My mother-in-law is gone now, and I miss her and her cooking and her ways in general.7
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MelanieCN77 wrote: »I feel you OP. I think the best answer was the very first one, which is to discuss it as adults when not at the flashpoint of the meal getting served.
Respectfully, all the suggestions of ways to adjust and make this food fit into OP's week make me a little bit irritated. The very decision about what to put in my mouth and body is not something I'm going to let get held ransom by someone else's opinions or unexamined feelings. It's more than food, we all know that, it's routine and control and personal agency. It's about more than the calorie math - it's about being emotionally bullied into doing something you don't want to, and not addressing that up front is going to cause more and different problems.
Eh, I think this is sort of unfair to the in-laws. The OP is carb-cycling. I don't see why she can't make a high carb day be that day. It's not like she's celiac and they are trying to make her eat wheat or she is doing keto for epilepsy or low carb for a medical condition and they are blowing that off.
My mom could be considered a "food pusher". I spend a lot of time saying, "No, thank you." She's just being hospitable.
I see a lot of people new to MFP overly anxious in social situations where they can't count the calories and do not think the right advice is for people to avoid these situations.
It's unlikely that this one meal is causing the OP's plateau. She is also having date nights and meetups with friends where presumably it is just as hard to track the calories, so it could be more to do with the family dynamic than the actual food.
However, if, for example, they are doing a group order for Chinese, she wants to order X, and they won't let her, I take it all back and suggest she limit her visits to once per month or once per quarter.1 -
I feel most here are reading this without the context of culture. I have that context. One of the most rude things to do in some cultures is to refuse the food or not eat the amounts offered. The host prides themselves on generosity and hospitality and any actions that make light of that are considered offensive. There was a time (and I'm sure this is still the case for some families) when receiving a guest meant barely scraping by for the rest of the month. There are even traditional tales of a poor man who slaughtered his beloved horse to serve a guest because he had nothing else that would make a worthy feast.
All I can say to OP is, I feel you. Don't get mad at them, some traditions are deeply rooted and it will take some time to navigate that. It tends to blind people to logic sometimes. My family isn't as old fashioned as some other families here, and even now, 7 years of weight management later, I still get offered things I don't want to eat or offered seconds. Heck, I'm known to hate meat and 37 years of refusing it won't stop the host from offering meat because it's usually the star of the meal. With close family, I just do what I want and they understand (although still feel the need to offer), but when we're visiting someone I know is very traditional I always make calorie arrangements. Actually, I make calorie arrangements even for close family visits most of the time to spare them the discomfort and to enjoy my visit without obsessing about food.
You need to have a thick skin and persist with your way, they will get used to it a few years. It will be uncomfortable at first, but insist on your desired portions or food ratios, like putting more vegetables than rice on your plate (but DO NOT bring your own food, this is very offensive unless it's a shared meal where people bring food). You could also fit the visit into your weekly calories every now and then to meet them halfway after you've established your boundaries for a while. Generally, the food will have some kind of carb (usually rice and/or bread), some kind of protein (usually meat), and some kind of sauce or stew (usually with vegetables). It's usually a pretty balanced meal, although can be high in fat sometimes. The meal itself is not the problem, it's usually 600-800 calories which is manageable for me without problems and is what my usual main meal is like, the problem is snacks (especially nuts) and dessert, if served, because it all adds up.8 -
Communicate your food needs at a time / day when you are not at dinner. Start a series of conversations so that everyone feels respected.0
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kshama2001 wrote: »
Eh, I think this is sort of unfair to the in-laws. The OP is carb-cycling. I don't see why she can't make a high carb day be that day. It's not like she's celiac and they are trying to make her eat wheat or she is doing keto for epilepsy or low carb for a medical condition and they are blowing that off.
My mom could be considered a "food pusher". I spend a lot of time saying, "No, thank you." She's just being hospitable.
I mean sure, if that is what's happening. OP described "being ganged up on" though, which to me indicates specific and prolonged attention to the issue. And even if it is a cultural nuance that doesn't mean bow down to it. I stand by my position that it's reasonable to not be coerced into eating anything you don't want to, for whatever reason. There is room for maneuver in how you approach solving the problem. Making that her high carb day or her 'cheat' or whatever still removes her agency, which she has a basic right to. If I'm going to splurge on one meal a week, for sure it's not going to be of someone else's choosing, that's just demoralising.2
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