Am I really committing a crime against humanity?

lorrichoo · August 2019

Why is it such a crime to want to change your life?

Throughout my life I have suffered with anxiety and depression and also have an excessive junk food addiction. It was a few years ago when I did something about it that changed my life for the better. I quit junk food cold turkey. It was very hard going at first as I suffered withdrawal symptoms but after that I felt like a new person - energetic, improved concentration, improved mental health, I felt amazing. And I lost over a stone in the process.
I no longer craved junk food, I craved healthy food like salad and vegetables. Then along came the time of year when people celebrated with chocolate and cakes and extended family offered me chocolate and cakes and said I had done so well, why don't I have a treat. I thought I am in a better place now, I can be social with them. I was wrong and it all went downhill from there. Que years later and almost 3 stone heavier, I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life and my junk food addiction is back with a vengeance and I feel awful - so lethargic and like life is passing me by. I am in my mid 30's and almost 13 stone. According to my BMI I am overweight and have a high risk of diabetes.

Over the last few years I have tried to get back to that state of being from the other year but people around me are making it so difficult. I'm one of those 'all or nothing' people. I can't do things in moderation which makes sense considering the effect junk food has on your brain. Every time I try to change my lifestyle to healthy eating and being more active, I am labelled as going on a diet and am mocked in so many ways about it. Since when has wanting to look after yourself meant you are going on a diet?
I get bombarded with this from the people who are meant to be supporting me:

"just a small slice, it won't do you any harm" (oh yes it will)

"just have a little bite then" (no thank you)

"you've done so well over the last couple of weeks, you deserve to treat yourself" (I don't want to treat myself, I feel more rewarded from eating none of this junk)

"I made this dessert especially for you" (you know i am not eating this kind of stuff so why do you make it then get offended when I turn it down?, p.s the arguments that night were horrendous!!)

"oh come on, you can't be healthy all your life" (you what?? being healthy makes me feel good, do you not want me to feel good all my life?)

"you need some enjoyment in your life" (oh really, so the enjoyment I get from my hobbies that don't revolve around food are not actually classed as enjoyment?)

"pies are not processed" (oh really?? in which country do they grow pies on trees?)

"But I bought this cake especially for you" (why? when you know I am not eating cakes!)

"are you sure you don't want any". (well I didn't want any a min ago or 5 mins ago or 10 mins ago or 20 mins ago or 2 hours ago when you kept asking me, so why would I want some now? when are you going to take the hint that I don't want any?? FGS, If I want some, I'll get some)

Other people told to take my share of the dessert home and eat it in front of me because I didn't want any. That really hurt! Why would they say that to a junk food addict? Surely they wouldn't say similar to an alcoholic or a drug addict? I have explained to my mum how junk food makes me feel and my addiction with it and how I felt when I quit it but to no avail. My mum is the same weight as me but has more health problems than me!!

So as you can see, the above makes it virtually impossible for me to stick to my all or nothing healthy eating. And don't get me started on getting invited out for a meal!

It feels like it's a crime to want to be healthy and live a healthy life. I have so many health problems which I know are caused by my unhealthy eating but my loved ones around me seem to be constantly sabotaging it. I have tried to explain about how it's all or nothing for me, that I can't stick to it when I have things in moderation and they don't take a blind bit of notice, they act as though I am committing a crime against humanity as though eating healthy is wrong. There is more to life than food and I want to be the best version of myself but how am I supposed to do that when I am constantly bombarded by criticism or food from my parents? All I want is to let go of my junk food addiction and enjoy life by eating healthily and having the energy to do what makes me happy. Why is that so forbidden in this day and age?

Maybe I should take all the above as a form of motivation so I can stick 2 fingers up to them when I have stuck to healthy eating for many months and am feeling the best I can be. It will certainly give me more confidence to be more assertive and turn things down without causing an argument. Has anyone else come up against this kind of thing from people that are supposed to be supporting them?

Lorleee · August 2019

Ugh. I don't know what to say except hang in there. Trust yourself that you know your own mind and don't let others sway you. I totally get the all-or-nothing. It's very hard to find people who understand that I can't just "have a single square of dark chocolate every day" or "work your treats into your daily plan." Yeah, that eventually descends into trouble. Stay on course and be proud of your self-awareness and desire to be healthier. It's a daily battle and I get it. Sending you encouragement and strength!

lorrichoo · August 2019

Thank you. Your reply has really helped me. I'm glad someone else understands my battle with the 'all or nothing' thing. I have tried to do it before with things in moderation and can't even last 2 days! whereas every time I try the 'all or nothing' approach, I seem to last a min of 2 weeks before someone does or says something and I end up giving in to temptation.

jayemes · August 2019

The answer is people are *kitten* very often.
I've watched my family push my husband repeatedly to take another helping of something at dinner.
"Just a little more"
"It's so good"
"If you don't eat it it's just going to get thrown away" (This one almost always gets him)
...and then as he's serving himself the extra they pushed on him, one of them will say "It looks like you've put on a few. You have to stop with all the cookies!"

Then they'll push dessert later.

Again, people are *kitten*. You do you and pay them no mind.

Lorleee · August 2019

Then we have to think of a way to get you past that two weeks.

Maybe write yourself a letter, today, listing all the reasons why you're doing what you're doing. Then take that letter out and read it when you feel like you're not in control. I have found that what makes me fall off the wagon is a trigger that seems large at the time but then later I realize wasn't worth making me emotionally eat. If we can be stronger than our triggers I think we can come out on top! I'm with you in the battle.

WinoGelato · August 2019

Certainly for some people, abstaining can be a more sustainable choice than moderating.

That said - you keep using a blanket phrase of “Junk Food” to describe your problem foods and that’s really hard to ascertain what you mean. That’s such a broad and sweeping classifications, it would be like telling people you are eating “healthy food” and expecting them to know exactly what you mean.

So what is in your definition of junk food? From your post it sounds like you are talking specifically about sweets - you mention pies, cakes, chocolate.... it can be helpful to narrow down exactly what it is that you have difficulty moderating. Most people, when pressed, realize that it’s not ALL sweets but that it’s something like ice cream or Oreos or a specific candy that they have self control issues. And then other types of sweets, really aren’t so difficult to control. So is that the situation here?

You also use the phrase “junk food addiction” and liken it to drug and alcohol abuse. That’s the thing again- junk food isn’t addictive. There is no single ingredient in such a broad classification that would be consistent and cause a physiological dependency. But again, some foods, some situations, can create emotional feelings for people that make it difficult to control. Pinpointing those foods and those situations can be helpful in learning how to cope.

Who are the people who are saying these things to you? Are they family members? Friends? Coworkers? This seems like an excessive amount of attention on what someone else is eating.

SnifterPug · August 2019

I really hate it when people try to shove "treats" onto me. I will occasionally have something just to keep the peace but I am fortunate enough that I've now been on my regime for three years and I am not finding that the small "treat" makes me fall off the wagon. Mostly because I now genuinely don't actually like sweet things all that much any more.

You just have to do what is right for you and if that means cold turkey for a long period of time then go for it. If you have to invent some kind of medical condition as an excuse to refuse things that may help you.

Good luck.

Hannahwalksfar · August 2019

The amount of people who tried to sabotage me either purposefully or without thinking was massive. It’s because people are either threatened by your success, see you as a certain way and are scared by your transition or completely oblivious. Either way it’s wise to distance yourself until you are in a stronger place mentally where you can be assertive or simply inwardly strong and ignore/resist their words. That takes time. It sounds like a lot of your family members have an unhealthy diet and are threatened by your desire to change yourself. It’s ok to be firm and say No once and once only. No need to explain or defend yourself. I got good at saying “I said no and if you don’t like it Too bad.” It’s ok to leave if they don’t listen. This life is yours and if they can’t respect you then they don’t deserve your presence until they can. You’re worth the change they don’t want to see. Be brave. Be resilient. Do it for you and you only. Eat healthy food and don’t eat junk food or junk opinions xxx

lemurcat2 · August 2019

"I find I feel better when I don't eat [whatever it is], so no thanks."

If they push, say just this once: "In my experience I know I won't feel good later if I do, but thanks for thinking of me!"

If they claim they made it just for you: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I really thought I'd told you that I'm not eating X any more. But it looks delicious, so more for others, right!"

I also do think it's reasonable for people to think someone might not normally eat dessert (or would not eat a bunch of snacky things from the store), but would appreciate a piece of homemade pie. (And would find "I don't eat processed things" a weird response, as lots of perfectly healthy foods are processed and pretty much no one avoids all processed items. I think the issue with eating pie in excess is cals, not "processing" -- I mean, a good stew doesn't grow on trees either, and could well contain processed ingredients like butter and a little cornstarch, a shrimp pasta with lots of veg contains flour (pasta), so on, and yet I'd scoff if someone insisted those are inherently "unhealthy.")

I personally almost never eat sweet baked goods, but I will bake them and eat them on holidays (with others). Me offering a slice of something then wouldn't be an act of hostility -- I don't keep up on other people's diets enough to know what they do and don't eat except for a few friends I know are vegetarian or vegan (one vegan friend goes back and forth from veg and often has different rules for holidays, so I'd probably tell her "it's got butter, do you want some" and not care if she said no. In fact, I am not offended if anyone says no and don't worry that others will be if I say no. Sometimes "I have to eat it or she will be upset" is a message in your own mind to shift the responsibility for deciding to eat it.

Anyway, we probably have very different lives as I can't imagine anyone caring that much about what I eat or having an opportunity to offer me cakes all the time. We have tons of sweets (including good ones) at work and work events and other social events around Christmas, of course, but no one pushes it or really notices who consumes it. My mom used to have lots of sweets available at Thanksgiving and Christmastime, but she wouldn't care if I consumed it or not, and I didn't take "want a cookie" as her pushing me to eat (I'd say "sure" or "no, I'd rather have a clementine" or "not hungry" depending). That said, if I did experience a situation like you describe, weird and overthetop as it seems to be, I'd use the responses at the beginning of my post.

NovusDies · August 2019

Some of what you said is Dr. Google I am afraid. You are self-diagnosing yourself and you view things in extremes. While I do not think you are disordered I do think therapy would help you. You should not just accept that it is okay to have an all or nothing attitude. You should not be okay with spending the rest of your life in fear of eating whatever you think junk food is. Maybe your path is total abstinence but you should WAR against it for awhile not just wave the white flag.

The other thing therapy may provide you is ammunition when people are offering you things. Instead of saying that you are addicted to junk food which will be impossible for most people to understand since it is not physical you can say that your therapist told you to do whatever he or she tells you to do.

shewhoismany · August 2019

It is unkind of people to try to push you into any behavior once you have voiced your desire to avoid it. However, most people do not view pushing cake the same way they see pushing alcohol. Food is love, it is a representation community and social ties. The cutting of the birthday cake is the ritual sacrifice to death god for sparing the celebrant for one more year. If you don't eat the cake it like wishing some one dead.

So, yes. It is a crime against humanity in the eyes of society.

My mother always said that if you are polite, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Look directly in their eyes and say, "No, thank you." You don't have to give them a reason, they don't deserve an excuse. With a simple, "No, thank you", you have asserted control. If you don't give them a reason, you don't give them an opening and watching them fish for one can be entertaining. On the rare occasions I am forced to repeat myself, I like to include a little head shake and a "no, you silly fool" smile.

My husband (who is much nicer that I am) will take the cake, eat what he judges to be the best bite and toss the rest in the garbage. Thereby, appeasing the gods but wasting the cake.

Ultimately, how you handle it is your responsibility alone. Yes, it would be easier if the world didn't try to insist you eat what you want to avoid but it won't. So, if you don't want it, it is up to you to say, "No, thank you" or toss it in the bin.

Gamliela · August 2019

I doubt the op needs therapy.

NovusDies · August 2019

Gamliela wrote: »

I doubt the op needs therapy.

Her words: "Throughout my life I have suffered with anxiety and depression"

Add to that a bad relationship with food and a hard time coping with friends and family. I would think therapy is a very valid suggestion.

WinoGelato · August 2019

Gamliela wrote: »

I doubt the op needs therapy.

Actually many here who have struggled with out of control eating have benefited significantly from Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

@kshama2001 usually has a lot of helpful advice and references for these type of situations.

WinoGelato · August 2019

NovusDies wrote: »

Gamliela wrote: »

I doubt the op needs therapy.

Her words: "Throughout my life I have suffered with anxiety and depression"

Add to that a bad relationship with food and a hard time coping with friends and family. I would think therapy is a very valid suggestion.

^this.

150poundsofme · August 2019

Hi, Just two days ago someone made these little desserts. I said no thank you. She said there is no sugar in it. I never discussed diets with her so why does she assume that I am on a diet. And when people keep on offering me even though I told them no, that willpower can only last so long. Yes, I too am an all or nothing eater. I can so relate to what you are saying. I liked most of the above responses you received so far. The one about - I guess you forgot that I no longer eat that but thanks anyway is a good one. I used to want to say I am gluten free because of medical conditions or say that I am allergic to certain foods but with someone close to me that is truly allergic to nuts and peanuts, I do not feel it is right to use that as my excuse. But I too am always being held under a microscope about my food choices. You have no idea how many people every single day comment about the salad I bring from home and the so many questions I get asked about said salads. Every day. I know this is really difficult situation you are always being put in. People can be jealous, mean or whatever. And some people do not understand about food addictions. I just saw a celebrity who was an alcoholic and did drugs. I asked him about that and what could I do with my food addiction. He said "wow, I don't have to drink or do drugs but food - that's a tough one, you gotta eat". Someone last month right before she started eating her candy bar said - I know you don't want any. I don't know except to try to stay strong and keep on repeating No Thank You. Maybe saying I am full, maybe later. But really, you shouldn't even have to say that. Hugs

Hollis100 · August 2019

I'm somewhat like you with food. I love fresh salads, vegetables, whole foods. I'm happer when I don't eat sweets and food like potato chips, plus my health is better.

I gained weight by a lack of planning for work -- I would eat a small bag of potato chips 750 calories + a candy bar 250 calories = 1000 extra calories of food without nutrition. Now I take some bananas and measured almonds for a fraction of the calories, plus feel full.

You have to learn how to say no to people. Even say it with a little humor, "Nooooo, nope, nope." Or tell them to please knock it off. Or get up and walk away.

You're really saying no to yourself, no to that feeling that you have to please other people. You don't, believe me.

A big truth in life: no matter what you do, somebody will always criticize you or act as if they know better -- so go ahead and do what you want.

Terytha · August 2019

Gamliela wrote: »

I doubt the op needs therapy.

Everyone needs therapy. Life is hard and full of things we're never taught to deal with. Therapy teaches those vital skills. I recommend it to everyone. You don't need to have mental illness to find it beneficial.

Anyway.

OP, be firm. And return the urge to explain/justify to sender.

Them: But I made this cake for you!
You: Huh. That's weird, why would you do that when I asked you not to?

Them: Treat yourself/its just one bite/a little won't hurt.
You: No thank you. I've asked you to stop offering me sweets, why do you keep ignoring me?

The more awkward you make them feel, the more likely they are to back off. Don't fight or argue with them. If they try just keep saying "I'm not talking about this anymore."

And maybe cut down on the time you spend with these people. Its about time they learn that if they treat you like crap, the consequence is that you aren't around anymore.

MikePTY · August 2019

I am sorry you have to go through this. It is certainly not helpful and makes this all harder than having supportive people around you.

That being said, the first thing to realize is that you are in control of your own destiny on this. Nobody is actually physically forcing the food down your throat. You have the power to resist them. The best thing you can do is not let it affect you. Consciously or subconsciously, the people around you keep doing this because they know it gets a rise out of you. That it upsets you is why they keep doing it. People are messed up but that's how they are. If you don't let them get a reaction out of you, they will get bored and move onto something else.

I've had to go through that with things that I won't do personally for religious reasons. People have often tried to get a rise out of me because of it, but since it doesn't work, they move onto other things. I am confident in why I do the things I do, so even if it is weird to other people, I don't let that bother me.

I will also add that you seem to be using a lot of generalities here about junk food, healthy food, and health problems that you think can be cured by diet. Have you been diagnosed by a doctor for these problems and told that diet can fix them? If that is the case, I suggest you see a registered dietician who can work with you to develop a plan that is beneficial for the specific aliements you suffer from. That may help you more than a plan that is based off of general classifications of foods.

Ultimately a successful plan is one that is sustainable long term. So even if the way you have done it before is successful on the short term, if it is not sustainable for the long term it would be beneficial to look at a different approach.

mbaker566 · August 2019

well, all those foods can be part of your calorie intake and you can still lose weight.
but if you don't want to eat them, "no" is a complete sentence.
no, thank you-if you want to be polite

rosebarnalice · August 2019

shewhoismany wrote: »

My mother always said that if you are polite, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Look directly in their eyes and say, "No, thank you." You don't have to give them a reason, they don't deserve an excuse. With a simple, "No, thank you", you have asserted control. If you don't give them a reason, you don't give them an opening and watching them fish for one can be entertaining. On the rare occasions I am forced to repeat myself, I like to include a little head shake and a "no, you silly fool" smile.

This.
Sometimes I'll say something like, "thank you so much for thinking of me!" or "this makes me feel so special!" (neither of which is a lie)

snickerscharlie · August 2019

lemurcat2 wrote: »

"I find I feel better when I don't eat [whatever it is], so no thanks."

If they push, say just this once: "In my experience I know I won't feel good later if I do, but thanks for thinking of me!"

If they claim they made it just for you: "Oh, I'm so sorry, I really thought I'd told you that I'm not eating X any more. But it looks delicious, so more for others, right!"

I also do think it's reasonable for people to think someone might not normally eat dessert (or would not eat a bunch of snacky things from the store), but would appreciate a piece of homemade pie. (And would find "I don't eat processed things" a weird response, as lots of perfectly healthy foods are processed and pretty much no one avoids all processed items. I think the issue with eating pie in excess is cals, not "processing" -- I mean, a good stew doesn't grow on trees either, and could well contain processed ingredients like butter and a little cornstarch, a shrimp pasta with lots of veg contains flour (pasta), so on, and yet I'd scoff if someone insisted those are inherently "unhealthy.")

I personally almost never eat sweet baked goods, but I will bake them and eat them on holidays (with others). Me offering a slice of something then wouldn't be an act of hostility -- I don't keep up on other people's diets enough to know what they do and don't eat except for a few friends I know are vegetarian or vegan (one vegan friend goes back and forth from veg and often has different rules for holidays, so I'd probably tell her "it's got butter, do you want some" and not care if she said no. In fact, I am not offended if anyone says no and don't worry that others will be if I say no. Sometimes "I have to eat it or she will be upset" is a message in your own mind to shift the responsibility for deciding to eat it.

Anyway, we probably have very different lives as I can't imagine anyone caring that much about what I eat or having an opportunity to offer me cakes all the time. We have tons of sweets (including good ones) at work and work events and other social events around Christmas, of course, but no one pushes it or really notices who consumes it. My mom used to have lots of sweets available at Thanksgiving and Christmastime, but she wouldn't care if I consumed it or not, and I didn't take "want a cookie" as her pushing me to eat (I'd say "sure" or "no, I'd rather have a clementine" or "not hungry" depending). That said, if I did experience a situation like you describe, weird and overthetop as it seems to be, I'd use the responses at the beginning of my post.

As always, a great post.

But I especially wanted to point out the bolded because I think it can be at the very crux of most situations like these.

glovepuppet · August 2019

I'm an all or nothing kinda person. Either you respect my right to autonomy over all of my body, or I have nothing to do with you.

MelanieCN77 · August 2019

Being an "all or nothing" person isn't genetic, which is good news because it means it's something you can work on and change if you try. Someone up thread mentioned you might benefit from therapy and I agree. I know that's not the easiest thing to arrange and maintain but it is worth looking into in some form. That and learning some coping mechanisms for managing your food around others would be really beneficial. I know it is difficult but the control is all yours, I assure you.

glovepuppet · August 2019

Oh, and therapy is awesome. The OP would probably benefit a lot from talking about these conflicts.

zebasschick · August 2019

while i mostly try and be around people who respect my choices and believes that i'm capable of making good choices for myself, sometimes it ain't easy. i stopped being around a few people at any times when food is involved, and that can get complicated, but i gotta do me and for whatever reason, they wanted to feed me.

cbihatt · August 2019

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It’s hard any time you make a change, but even more so when you feel unsupported.

That said, I think you should try to stop taking the situations you mentioned so personally. People offering you food (whether it is junk food or not) is not a hostile act. People eating food in front of you (after you have declined an offer) is definitely not so.

Sometimes it is simply a case of other people not believing that you have actually changed your behavior. If you have previously been a person who eats all the food, it may take an adjustment period for those around you to understand that you are different now. That’s just human nature. If you stick to your decisions and remain firm in your denials, others will eventually stop being so pushy about offering you things. Right now, they just aren’t convinced you don’t want the food.

Regardless, you don’t have to explain your choices to others or get their approval or participation to change your eating habits. Ignore the negativity and get on with it. It will probably be difficult for awhile, but you can do this.

snickerscharlie · August 2019

When I was in my weight loss phase (and now, over 2 years in maintenance) my go-to in situations like these is to say that I'm really full and that I just wouldn't appreciate the <whatever they are offering> right now. I then ask to take some of whatever it is home with me so that I can fully enjoy it the next day.

Then, depending on what it is, I can either make room for it in my 'budget' the next day and enjoy the heck out of it, or trash it. Either way, it's my choice and mine alone.

paperpudding · August 2019

I agree you need to learn to say No.
Politely, humourously even, but with finality.

Somebody mentioned that others subconciously do this to get a rise out of you - is worth considering whether you are subconciously feeding in to this too - if you get defensive or on your high horse about processed or junk food or get into discussion or argument - rather than polite no, and then move on.

I also think people are not sabotaging you - that is taking their behaviour too personally and ascribing them motives they probably don't have.

Most people probably are just not interested in your WOE and don't keep up with what you will or won't eat or what you consider junk or processed - they are just offering food because it is polite thing to do and/or they are just trying to be nice to you.
You are not a food addict though and it is not impossible to stick to your diet - I think you need to let go of that extremist type thinking too.

lemurcat2 · August 2019

MelanieCN77 wrote: »

Being an "all or nothing" person isn't genetic, which is good news because it means it's something you can work on and change if you try. Someone up thread mentioned you might benefit from therapy and I agree. I know that's not the easiest thing to arrange and maintain but it is worth looking into in some form. That and learning some coping mechanisms for managing your food around others would be really beneficial. I know it is difficult but the control is all yours, I assure you.

This is true, IME.

I actually used to have the all or nothing thing about food -- if I wasn't eating exactly as planned I'd have this weird "well, screwed up already so might as well make the most of it until I decide I'm ready to eat well again."

MFP helped me a lot with that since I started focusing more on not exceeding my cals rather than trying to eat "perfectly" and I saw I could do that even with an off plan day (and also that the off plan day could easily stay below maintenance even if I was over my cals).

It helped with exercise as well. When I first started (and did not have a consistent exercise habit) I had a crazy long hours/stressful week at work and missed all my planned exercise times. I realized that in the past I would have decided nothing was going right and eaten poorly too and just quit entirely for a while. This time, using MFP, I focused on hitting my cals and told myself it was okay to take a week off exercise and I'd start again the next week.

Therapy of course can help with this too. Both something like CBT to focus on problematic thinking patterns and also just having someone to talk to about it.

biggiwig4483 · August 2019

A simple polite No will do it most times. And people usually won’t offer it twice. My mom used to be very pushy with me. One day I got so mad, took the cake that she offered me 4 times and through it in the trash right in front of her. Lesson learned! Sorry guys, being a german I am very direct with people, probably rude for american standard 😀.

Am I really committing a crime against humanity?

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