My roommate situation- am I really the problem?
guacassassin
Posts: 26 Member
in Chit-Chat
I want to run my current situation by a group of strangers [sorry guys....you are all great! 
] to get your opinions on my situation.
So I (25 yr old female) found my current apartment on craigslist. My roommate (29 yr old Male, let's call him Sam) was extremely kind and super laid back. I fell in love with the place. It was in the neighborhood I wanted, was in my price range....was beautiful. Sam told me he was super laid back and seemed that way as well. We talked and got along. He even talked his landlord into allowing me to move in with my dog, when she had previously said no dogs.
The first 8 months were fantastic. We got along, wed talk. He'd walk my dog sometimes. We told eachother at the very beginning wed come to eachother with any issues we had. And he was very good about it. Little things like hed tell me hey, make sure to close the door to the dryer when your done, stuff like that. I always cleaned up after my dog and myself, did every dish right after eating. Everything was great.
A few months ago, I'd noticed that he would spend a lot of time in his room. It got worse and worse. When he came home from work, he would go straight to his room and close the door. I would rarely see him. The only sightings I would see would be at 9 or 10 PM when he would come down to the kitchen to eat. Then hed go right back to his room.
I remember him telling me he thought he needed to go back to his therapist awhile back, and I remember one night he was freaking out because his old boss texted him that she thought he needed to be on medication. At the time, I didnt really think that much of it. But now I started to think maybe he was going through something.
I got paranoid that I was doing something wrong. Every time I'd see him, I'd make small talk and invite him to do something. He would respond, but always decline.
He began speaking to me less and less. My anxiety got the better of me one day and I sat down and asked him if I was doing anything that was bothering him. "No, I'm just exhausted from work and I'm in a funk right now." I left it at that.
Hoping things would eventually get better, I just let time progress. But things got worse. He would no longer acknowledge me when I would walk in to the kitchen. He wouldnt talk to me. Sometimes he would come downstairs wearing headphones so he didnt even have to look at me.
Another month or two of this and my anxiety, once again, took over. I had to confront him again.
"Sam, is everything okay? Are you sure theres nothing I'm doing that's bothering you?"
He looked at me long and hard, took a deep breath, and went off.
"When you moved in here I told you from the very beginning. NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE. And I have caught you MULTIPLE times wearing your shoes in the house. One day I was mortified you came home from the dog park and tracked dirt all over the carpet. I seriously said WHAT THE F@#%. When you moved in you told me your dog didnt bark. And at first when you would leave for work he would bark in the morning and I had to deal with it. Also I know hes an animal, but he gets scared during storms and scratches at my door. And I'm like WHAT THE F#%#$. So yeah."
I looked at him speechless. I told him I was sorry about the shoes, and for now on i would make sure to take them off every time the second i get home. I apologized for my dog barking, and told him he is better now that he is comfortable in this environment. I asked him if there was anything else he wanted me to do to make this situation more livable. "
"I am dealing with WAY too much right now. We need to be adults. I cant have this f&#&$ing conversation with you right now or I am going to explode on you." And he slammed the door and left.
That was two weeks ago. Since then, we havent spoken. I come home every day to an insanely awkward and hostile "home". I'm a mess. Half of me feels like the worst roommate ever. But the one time I did come home from the dog park, I immediately vacuumed after. Also, it was the rug I bought. Sam also never once mentioned having any issues with my dog. And I felt guilty and like a liar when he said that about him barking. But ALL dogs bark. Seriously. We had just moved into a new house. He was anxious. And I was leaving him.
I dont know what to do. I feel like a piece of crap but at the same time I feel like he was completely out of line and I am so upset about all of this that I can barely function. Am I really the problem?
] to get your opinions on my situation.So I (25 yr old female) found my current apartment on craigslist. My roommate (29 yr old Male, let's call him Sam) was extremely kind and super laid back. I fell in love with the place. It was in the neighborhood I wanted, was in my price range....was beautiful. Sam told me he was super laid back and seemed that way as well. We talked and got along. He even talked his landlord into allowing me to move in with my dog, when she had previously said no dogs.
The first 8 months were fantastic. We got along, wed talk. He'd walk my dog sometimes. We told eachother at the very beginning wed come to eachother with any issues we had. And he was very good about it. Little things like hed tell me hey, make sure to close the door to the dryer when your done, stuff like that. I always cleaned up after my dog and myself, did every dish right after eating. Everything was great.
A few months ago, I'd noticed that he would spend a lot of time in his room. It got worse and worse. When he came home from work, he would go straight to his room and close the door. I would rarely see him. The only sightings I would see would be at 9 or 10 PM when he would come down to the kitchen to eat. Then hed go right back to his room.
I remember him telling me he thought he needed to go back to his therapist awhile back, and I remember one night he was freaking out because his old boss texted him that she thought he needed to be on medication. At the time, I didnt really think that much of it. But now I started to think maybe he was going through something.
I got paranoid that I was doing something wrong. Every time I'd see him, I'd make small talk and invite him to do something. He would respond, but always decline.
He began speaking to me less and less. My anxiety got the better of me one day and I sat down and asked him if I was doing anything that was bothering him. "No, I'm just exhausted from work and I'm in a funk right now." I left it at that.
Hoping things would eventually get better, I just let time progress. But things got worse. He would no longer acknowledge me when I would walk in to the kitchen. He wouldnt talk to me. Sometimes he would come downstairs wearing headphones so he didnt even have to look at me.
Another month or two of this and my anxiety, once again, took over. I had to confront him again.
"Sam, is everything okay? Are you sure theres nothing I'm doing that's bothering you?"
He looked at me long and hard, took a deep breath, and went off.
"When you moved in here I told you from the very beginning. NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE. And I have caught you MULTIPLE times wearing your shoes in the house. One day I was mortified you came home from the dog park and tracked dirt all over the carpet. I seriously said WHAT THE F@#%. When you moved in you told me your dog didnt bark. And at first when you would leave for work he would bark in the morning and I had to deal with it. Also I know hes an animal, but he gets scared during storms and scratches at my door. And I'm like WHAT THE F#%#$. So yeah."
I looked at him speechless. I told him I was sorry about the shoes, and for now on i would make sure to take them off every time the second i get home. I apologized for my dog barking, and told him he is better now that he is comfortable in this environment. I asked him if there was anything else he wanted me to do to make this situation more livable. "
"I am dealing with WAY too much right now. We need to be adults. I cant have this f&#&$ing conversation with you right now or I am going to explode on you." And he slammed the door and left.
That was two weeks ago. Since then, we havent spoken. I come home every day to an insanely awkward and hostile "home". I'm a mess. Half of me feels like the worst roommate ever. But the one time I did come home from the dog park, I immediately vacuumed after. Also, it was the rug I bought. Sam also never once mentioned having any issues with my dog. And I felt guilty and like a liar when he said that about him barking. But ALL dogs bark. Seriously. We had just moved into a new house. He was anxious. And I was leaving him.
I dont know what to do. I feel like a piece of crap but at the same time I feel like he was completely out of line and I am so upset about all of this that I can barely function. Am I really the problem?
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Replies
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@denny_mac I feel like the OP needs to get your thoughts on shoes in the house1
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You just need to move. Dude is loony toons and bit off more in a roommate than he could chew.1
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this is worse than the time i forgot and used the wire hangers11
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GymGoddessGoals wrote: »You just need to move. Dude is loony toons and bit off more in a roommate than he could chew.
I talked to my landlord and she said whenever the other half of the duplex is ready and finished I could live there. She said 2 to 4 months. I told her I was extremely interested and even followed up once to remind her hey things are awkward here I wanna move there. So fingers crossed its sooner rather than later, I dont know how much longer I can live in this environment7 -
You're definitely not the problem, Sam's mental health or current lack thereof is the problem. Your shoes aren't even the problem or I'm sure he'd have mentioned it way back when he first noticed it, they just became a convenient scapegoat for his inner turmoil.
I wouldn't like to live with that much tension and negativity in my own home, you want a place of peace and solace.4 -
I think he's got anxiety and depression. He has no control over anything in his life so he's using you as a whipping post.
Since you don't know him other than as a roommate, you don't know what might make him go postal. I would move.
I had a roommate back in my single days and she was as dumb as a brick. Someone had broken into my car. We lived in a large apartment building. I discovered the breakin in the morning.
When I told her about it, she said "oh, yeah I saw that the doors were open last night when I got home. I thought you were airing out your car". 😨
I moved out.1 -
Move out. Now.2
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Move as soon as you can find a suitable place. You can't be wasting your head-space trying to figure out what eggshells he's next going to strew in front of you.0
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I so agree with @ythannah, it's not you, especially if he gave you to cold shoulder and after you nicely asked if there was anything you were doing that bothered him....he seems very unbalanced and most likely needs to twerk his meds and or get some therapy, and that is not you fault honey!🤗
I'm so sorry you feel stuck there....could you maybe move in with family or friends until the new place was ready or let.the landlord know you don't mind living with renovations?! Ugh so sorry girl! Wish I had more to offer but my opinion that agrees with you.....big hugs and hope you find some peace soon.....I hope Sam gets help too you two seemed cool and if he's suffering its no fault of yours, just sad too!
💕🙏2 -
Seems like Sam is the issue there. If things were all peachy at first and then crazy afterwards, it's not all you. He would have told you about no shoes in the house or whatever at the beginning when telling you to close the door of the dryer.
I'm with the "move out now" crowd. Start looking around. you may find something nicer in teh same neighbourhood - don't wait 2-4 months.3 -
I can attest. When my anxiety is running high, anything that anyone does gets on my *kitten* nerves. Whatever I can nitpick to deflect from my own feelings of hopelessness. I snapped on a mailbox once for being so damn blue.I think he's got anxiety and depression. He has no control over anything in his life so he's using you as a whipping post.
Fortunately, I have the wisdom to live alone and not have any significant others til I can get my *kitten* together. No person should have to suffer through my high-pitched, nasally tirades.
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He's Toxic (an potentially dangerous) ; Move Out Posthaste.
Best of luck
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He’s definitely going through some things. Sorry he blew up on you. I would move.
See, this is why I can’t do roommates. They talk to me bad and we are gonna throw down.1 -
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Motorsheen wrote: »
😂 I was thinking selective reading ....but that's better👍😋0 -
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I'm in the same camp as everyone else, dude's been a jerk, potentially unstable, you can't live like that, move out ASAP.
But just to kind of try to see another POV on this...I think it sounds a little bit like you are more upset than you might be otherwise because you are (or were) expecting more of a friendship with Sam than he's willing to have. All the suggestions of hanging out, for example, could be stressful for him. I don't think it's all that fair to you though, especially when the first 8 months went so well. I think he should have at least explained to you better that he was going through some things and might not be around as much. Because it sounds like you were roommates AND friends at that earlier time.
Another thing...some people really hate to be confronted, even when it's long overdue. I'm sort of a confrontational person when there's something really wrong and I feel like reactions are about an 80/20 split, most people are relieved that I brought things out into the open - and the rest are like crazy ticked off and lash out or become cruel. Your roommate sounds like he's in that second camp, whether because of his emotional/mental situation or not. I think it was pretty immature of him honestly to hold in everything about the shoes and dog.
I'm so glad that there is no mention here of romantic feelings on either side. I know that's such a stereotype especially when it comes to male/female roommates (or f/f and m/m depending on how things go). But I do think that would make everything a lot worse.
Anyway, I hate the sound of the whole arrangement and definitely couldn't deal with that long term. I hope your finances & location will allow you to find another living situation soon! I DO NOT think you are the problem here but I do think it might be worth your while to really think twice about being "close" to any future roommate(s) after how this has gone down. I can't personally relate so much because I've only ever lived with my two closest girlfriends and guys I was in relationships with or married to. But maybe it's good to be almost more like coworkers - a lot of distance between you.2 -
seltzermint555 wrote: »I'm in the same camp as everyone else, dude's been a jerk, potentially unstable, you can't live like that, move out ASAP.
But just to kind of try to see another POV on this...I think it sounds a little bit like you are more upset than you might be otherwise because you are (or were) expecting more of a friendship with Sam than he's willing to have. All the suggestions of hanging out, for example, could be stressful for him. I don't think it's all that fair to you though, especially when the first 8 months went so well. I think he should have at least explained to you better that he was going through some things and might not be around as much. Because it sounds like you were roommates AND friends at that earlier time.
Another thing...some people really hate to be confronted, even when it's long overdue. I'm sort of a confrontational person when there's something really wrong and I feel like reactions are about an 80/20 split, most people are relieved that I brought things out into the open - and the rest are like crazy ticked off and lash out or become cruel. Your roommate sounds like he's in that second camp, whether because of his emotional/mental situation or not. I think it was pretty immature of him honestly to hold in everything about the shoes and dog.
I'm so glad that there is no mention here of romantic feelings on either side. I know that's such a stereotype especially when it comes to male/female roommates (or f/f and m/m depending on how things go). But I do think that would make everything a lot worse.
Anyway, I hate the sound of the whole arrangement and definitely couldn't deal with that long term. I hope your finances & location will allow you to find another living situation soon! I DO NOT think you are the problem here but I do think it might be worth your while to really think twice about being "close" to any future roommate(s) after how this has gone down. I can't personally relate so much because I've only ever lived with my two closest girlfriends and guys I was in relationships with or married to. But maybe it's good to be almost more like coworkers - a lot of distance between you.
In response to your comment regarding being thankful nothing romantic happened, thankfully he is into guys and I am into girls so that was never a problem. :P
I am absolutely the type that cannot handle confrontation. I avoid it at all costs. I break under pressure and I have literally no backbone. I NEVER confront people. It actually took everything in me to talk to him. I was shaking I was so nervous. But I just knew that something was wrong and as much as I wanted to continue to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion, I knew I needed to do it because we both share this living space and I wanted to make sure I tried to fix anything that may be causing issues in respect towards him.5 -
LiftingSpirits wrote: »@denny_mac I feel like the OP needs to get your thoughts on shoes in the house
You think you're funny.But you're not.0 -
LiftingSpirits wrote: »@denny_mac I feel like the OP needs to get your thoughts on shoes in the house
You think you're funny.But you're not.
😮😮😮😮 is it really you1 -
I lived with a random roommate who ended up being an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic. Waiting out my lease was the hardest thing ever (the complex wouldn't let me out of it without finding someone to sublease and the place was in disarray and no one was likely to take it over). Try to avoid contact as much as possible until you can get into the other duplex. If you and dog can stay out of the apartment more (hang out with friends/family) I would definitely suggest that.1
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Sounds like your roomie is depressed. Nothing you can do about that except empathy and encouragement. If I were you I would move out.0
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Move out!0
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DonutEatThat wrote: »I lived with a random roommate who ended up being an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic. Waiting out my lease was the hardest thing ever (the complex wouldn't let me out of it without finding someone to sublease and the place was in disarray and no one was likely to take it over). Try to avoid contact as much as possible until you can get into the other duplex. If you and dog can stay out of the apartment more (hang out with friends/family) I would definitely suggest that.
I lives with someone with a similar condition. He also had a bit of a meth habit. He never hurt me. It was actually a fascinating experience. He believed that this Pochohantas book possessed the soul of his father. It was one of those kids books that had buttons and makes sounds. When he pressed the button he thought it was saying “help me”.A part of me misses that crazy sharehouse. I dunno what that says about me..5 -
amorfati601070 wrote: »DonutEatThat wrote: »I lived with a random roommate who ended up being an unmedicated paranoid schizophrenic. Waiting out my lease was the hardest thing ever (the complex wouldn't let me out of it without finding someone to sublease and the place was in disarray and no one was likely to take it over). Try to avoid contact as much as possible until you can get into the other duplex. If you and dog can stay out of the apartment more (hang out with friends/family) I would definitely suggest that.
I lives with someone with a similar condition. He also had a bit of a meth habit. He never hurt me. It was actually a fascinating experience. He believed that this Pochohantas book possessed the soul of his father. It was one of those kids books that had buttons and makes sounds. When he pressed the button he thought it was saying “help me”.A part of me misses that crazy sharehouse. I dunno what that says about me..
It says a lot that you were open and able to deal with it. It's not easy. I liked him a lot in the begining, his quirkiness was fun until it wasn't anymore.1
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