Do you give advice to those who are struggling?
Replies
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chickencereal wrote: »When someone (especially a friend) is struggling and they confide in you and you offer them advice, you are invalidating their emotions. You make the conversation all about you instead of them and what they are dealing with in the moment. I’ve stopped offering so much advice and instead just listen and empathize so they feel heard. Often what people need most when making behavioral changes is support, not more knowledge. If this starts to become too draining or they vent to me too much then I avoid conversation with them.
I realize that the above was “advice”, then again you don’t seem to be seeking support so I’ll make an exception in this case!
I always want to problem solve but realize the people I'm speaking to often just want to vent. So I ask them "Do you want me to problem solve or just listen to you vent?"
I have problem solvers in my life and when I just want to vent I let them know.11 -
kshama2001 wrote: »I always want to problem solve but realize the people I'm speaking to often just want to vent. So I ask them "Do you want me to problem solve or just listen to you vent?"
I have problem solvers in my life and when I just want to vent I let them know.
My first tendency is usually to be a problem solver too, but that has backfired so many times that I now refrain from doing it, and just try to listen and wait for an actual request for advice.2 -
If they ask1
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I only ever give my experience and method of losing weight when I am specifically asked. Otherwise I try not to bring it up.1
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When asked, I share MY experience...its a minefield to go any earlier than that. I consider myself encouraging even where I suspect they could try harder, at least they are trying...but I don't tolerate constant venting coupled with inaction.2
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I get the impression you have got all your newfound knowledge in relation to your own weight loss and fitness efforts, as opposed to, say, a college course. That's great and I know from personal experience how easy it is to fall into the trap of getting evangelical about it. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and what works for you may work only for you. Even if I were qualified in this field I would not offer advice unless specifically engaged for the purpose.2
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Too many "askholes" out there lol. I dont tell people anything. Even when they ask, I'm just like "eat less than you burn". I went from 295+ to 162.2 pounds in ~13 months. (Got back up to ~276 in March of this year and now I'm around 242) I'm not perfect, but I've learned a lot over these almost 5 1/2 years. (5 years and 4 months)3
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I didn’t read all the posts. Simply: ask her if she wants advice or just an ear.
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Just ask 'how can I help'?
You've learned all you learned through your own path which, to me, is a highly individual and unique plan. She needs to find her way also. I remember one of those times I got to my goal weight(there's been a few
), feeling all high and mighty that I'd done it. My overweight friend commented on how she needed to do it too. I told her and said 'if I can do it, YOU can do it'. Well, a year later I was right back to where I started. 
So the one thing I learned is it's easier said than done.
Yes, it basically boils down to CICO BUT how we all get there is different for everyone.3 -
I’m probably one of those annoying people...because if I’m asked if I lost weight...how’d I do it...what’s my secret I generally answer with something like “yeah, you know that stupid advice about moving more and eating eating less...turns out they were right”. I usually get a laugh.
On a more serious note, I follow a hobby forum and there is a very vocal majority of overweight/obese women who seem to perpetuate a lot of the the typical misinformation and unhealthy attitudes about obesity. It’s sad and infuriating all at the same time. I want to chime in and correct and/or provide the CICO information, but I don’t. It wouldn’t be wanted or appreciated nor would it be helpful, so I never do.4 -
If someone asks me how I lost weight, I tell them ("calorie counting with an app"). If they ask more questions, I answer them.
Only this. No one really wants advice.
They want to hear that you did something magic, and when you start talking about diet and exercise their eyes glaze over.
I'm also no expert.
Plus if they decide they DO want to follow your example, they sometimes invite themselves into your workout. (Let's be workout buddies!)
Which they then do about 3 times before they start finding excuses.
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It requires a level of intimacy to be effective.
I don't volunteer information unless asked or already in a conversation. There's an art to it though and you have to venture forward slowly, especially when challenging "known" information.
I bookmark information to debunk many of these myths, such as slow/fast metabolism, what is causing obesity in the population, etc.
It takes a long time though as you essentially have a person being deprogrammed and challenging a lot of wrong information that media promotes as fact.5 -
Nobody has 'picked my brain' about weight loss (yet).
However, I am getting increasingly frustrated with my mother's complaints about her weight and her ideas about weight loss and exercise. Remarks like "I don't enjoy cooking anymore, food just makes me fat", as if going to restaurants more often is going to help her to lose weight. Or her 'self sacrifice' when refusing dessert and eating smaller portions of dinner, but then drinking half a bottle of red wine and eating junk food snacks in front of the television. Or the fact that she calls my home gym my 'torture room'.
I grew up believing I had a 'cursed metabolism' like my mom and only this year did I realize how untrue this was. I've lost almost 20lbs so far and I have no idea whether my parents have noticed, but I'm dreading the day they actually mention it, especially my mom. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to hear my views on weight loss, so I hope she never asks.11 -
NOT UNLESS THEY ASK! If someone asks me my advice, I give it. Otherwise, my mouth is shut.1
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