After a year - over 150lbs lost - learned a few things

speyerj wrote: »

Just found this and I think it needs a bump. Especially this:

"It is also about forgiving yourself for gaining weight in the first place. This may not apply to everyone but I certainly tried to punish myself in previous attempts to lose weight. It is hard to try and be kind to myself and happy today while holding a grudge against myself. I had to let it go."

The shame I felt for losing and then regaining 100 pounds was pretty intense and it stopped me from getting back on the wagon. I'm glad that I figured out if I was going to be successful in this journey, I had to kick shame out of my path or I was going to trip over it.

I can relate to this especially. I've been fighting the war with weight for years myself, losing a little in college than gaining back that and more; losing 90 lbs in 2012, only to gain all but 5 lbs of it back; losing 110 lbs in 2017, then gaining back 25 of it before finally getting things turned around in mid-2019.

My biggest fight is in reconciling my head with my heart. My head says that moderation is the key, that its okay to fit things that i like in, just in smaller portions, that a day over here and there isn't going to hurt me in the long run, and that its not necessary to strive for a 2lb loss every week or a 1000 calorie deficit every day - as long as there is a deficit, I'll lose weight; it'll just be slower. My head tells me that water weight is tenacious and to pay attention to the overall trend, that any trend downward, even at a snail's pace, is a win because it's not a race and it doesn't matter how long it takes, what matters is the benefits I get from every pound lost. My head tells me to look at what I've accomplished instead of focusing on the end goal, that losing 100 lbs is a major accomplishment and I deserve to be proud of myself for that loss, even if I still have over 100 lbs to go; that it doesn't matter that I regained 30 lbs, the good news is I did better than last time and halted the trend before I lost all ground gained.

My heart, however, is much too hard on myself. I tend to be a perfectionist and very demanding of myself, and its really hard to be as forgiving and understanding with myself as I can be with others. My heart gets frustrated when I fail to stay within my 1000 calorie deficit, when I fail to win the willpower war with myself, when the scale goes up or stalls out for a few weeks, when I give in and get a piece of candy or take a small piece of cake when brought into the office, or even when I stop at Arby's on the way home - my heart doesn't look at the compromises made, such as the fact I only took 1 piece of candy instead of 5, that I actually only took 1/4 of a regular size of the cake, or that I remove the cheese from that turkey slider and sometimes even half the bun to cut the calories down.

My heart feels guilty because I let myself get so obese in the first place, and still feels guilt because of gaining back what was lost before and starting into doing the same again. My heart feels shame because while I have lost 100 lbs, I still have over 100 lbs to go. My heart can't be happy with losing 3 dress sizes; it sees that I still shop in the plus size section. In truth, no one can be more hard on me than myself, and while my common sense sees where my problems lie when it comes to befriending myself, I still haven't learned how to reconcile my heart to my head.

But, like you, I've learned a few things along the way, such as noticing when hunger signals are coming from my stomach or my head, to watch the over all trend, and to work with myself on what I like and dislike and function within a realistic plan.

And sometimes, once in a while, I get my heart away from focusing on the forest to see a tree now and then - such as noticing how small my jeans are getting compared to before and that I do look kind of nice in that new dress.....