Unable to start a relationship

Options
245

Replies

  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,898 Member
    Options
    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    Itsthatdood wrote: »
    Then when it comes to meeting each other face to face

    Maybe. I'm not the best example, as I've only tried OKC. But for a couple of years, changing my pic, adjusting my bio. Adding stuff, taking away stuff, answering more questions. On OKC, practically 0% of the people I've messaged or liked have ever responded. So, for me at least, it isn't being disappointed when we meet. For me there is usually nothing but crickets, let alone a conversation, or a meet up.

    Yes, a bunch of my stuff on the bio is accurate...run through a spellchecker...nothing crude...the women are for the most part in nearby proximity and of an appropriate age. As a kind of optimist, I continue to peck at it.

    A male friend of mine, about my age, tells me online dating apps are a straight waste of time for men of our demographic. That's hard to deny so far.

    I met my man on OKCupid when he was 52 and I was 46 and we've been together for 7 years :)

    I'm glad to see you say you are looking for local women of an appropriate age but am wondering exactly what that age range is.

    You write well here, so I assume your initial messages are also well written. Can she tell from your first message that you have read her profile?
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,181 Member
    Options
    kshama2001 wrote: »
    I met my man on OKCupid when he was 52 and I was 46 and we've been together for 7 years :)

    Beautiful, good for you.

    As for age range, I usually pick a couple years older than I am then down about ten. I have mixed it up, to try and get ANY type of a response. Right now age 58 -to- 46. Suggestions?

  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,181 Member
    Options
    There have been some really insightful responses here, thanks. We all know there are not 'right' answers for this, or formulas, we all have our own idiosyncrasy, not ALL women are... and not ALL men are...

    I currently have a little too much time on my hands and am thinking about this, I guess. Be well.
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,181 Member
    Options
    thereshegoesagain wrote: »
    I'm 62 years old and over the last year have tried Match, Plenty Of Fish, Zoosk and Bumble......Don't settle for less than you deserve.

    That's a thoughtful response. Which did you prefer? Match, Zoosk?

    The "settling" point is really a good mirror of our own level of self-respect. Sometimes it is hard to have that, and carry it all the way into a new relationship.

    Thanks again.
  • TarryTaffyTwo
    TarryTaffyTwo Posts: 448 Member
    Options
    Since you're successful in your career, you can transfer those top notch skills into partner-finding skills. More than likely, others could have had your promotion or the company could have hired out for your position, but you got it... it didn't happen in 1-wk... your lead up to it probably transpired over time. Putting that confidence, enthusiasm & effort into finding a partner will eventually pay off, too.

    It sounds to me as if you're mostly relying on the 'net to find someone... all eggs in 1 basket. Last article I read, only 5% of singles are online, so the pool isn't very deep. Narrow that down by a certain % being male or gay, another % being out of your dating age range... that's a very small % you're placing all your trust into for manifesting a partner.

    You can pay attention to your article on grim dating news & search for more, but why? Probably a man in HI, same age as you, recently died in a car accident... it shouldn't influence you to stop driving. I ignore articles about women my age having a better chance of being hit by lightening than ever getting married. Well, I don't hang around empty fields in thunderstorms with a key on a kite string, trying to attract lightening... but, to attract a possible partner or friends, I normally do different activities & go different places to open up my chances of meeting others.

    I feel if I believe the above weather analogy nonsense, I should give up & sit in the house, alone, forever, cuz I'm trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Interesting that I'd see the same men's profiles every year... not many new... newbies probably realized they, too, needed to find other ways to broaden their chances.

    Dating sites didn't work for me or anyone else I've ever known. There are a few stories, like the 1 in this thread, but we all know that's a rare occurrence. Instead of continuing to try other sites or waiting like a bird on a perch for a contact that excited me, I realized I needed to try other means... face-to-face ways of meeting others.

    And, if you're going to continue to rely on dating sites, Match is the largest with the most members... look it up. They often offer the 1st mo for free. There are a lot of negative articles on POF & OKC scammers. You can search for those, too, if you want the stories. The always free sites tend to attract scammers, cuz it costs nothing.
  • Hollis100
    Hollis100 Posts: 1,408 Member
    Options
    I agree with the responses that said get involved in a hobby, an activity, volunteer work -- something you genuinely care about. That's hard to do right now with the pandemic, but hopefully things will get better.

    That's how I met my wonderful late husband. Meeting someone was the absolute last thing on my mind. We became friends first, developed a deep connection that started with our shared interest, and eventually couldn't imagine living without each other. He was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

    When we got married, he was age 59 (I was 18 years younger). Neither one of us ever went on a dating site.
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,181 Member
    Options
    From age 21 to age 45 or so, I used to love to go to bars and clubs with friends. Dance, watch sports, throw darts, listen to music, drink, occasionally all of the above. It was a lot of fun. I don't do that much anymore, and I miss that important source of younger adult socializing.

    I enjoy exercising, but I'm not much of a gym person. I go to yoga studios, I run, I swim in the ocean, and when there is access I go to pools and swim.

    Yoga studios have been my go to place for meeting different people over the last 10 years. But I always tread very very lightly on socializing, because we are all sort of vulnerable, exposed, and there to find some peace and calm. There aren't a lot of creepy folks in the studios I go to, but I know it happens, and it isn't good.

    I've gone to a running meet up here in Honolulu, once, then the island shut down. Generally running is pretty solitary. Same with swimming.

    Last but not least, last year I got a bug and joined a beginner salsa dance class at a studio in San Diego, California. I paid for a four week beginner class. Oh my word I felt awkward. 25 women and 25 men and usually it was pretty balanced, if anything there were more men. I enjoyed myself and signed up for a second 4 weeks. Ultimately I stuck with it about 6 months, right up until the time I moved to Honolulu.

    With dancing, I was about the oldest, not always, but definitely a 30s vibe for most of the students. I happily saw some of the same people. Between sticking out a little and really trying to figure out how to dance, I did not make any social connections with students. I could have if I had continued on, probably.

    Prior to moving I looked up yoga studios and dance studios... No dance here yet, but I did begin my yoga practice at a new studio until everything shut down.

    A couple of years ago I decided to try and find a connection, I put myself out a little more than usual trying some new things, then bam I relocated and bam again the world shut down.

    BTW: over two years on MFP I got within 25 lbs of my goal weight last year...that felt awesome. The last two months have been a pretty sad relapse the other direction. I'm trying to catch myself and get back on track to reaching my goal. I just feel better when I'm logging my foods and make progress toward my goal weight.

    Just a handful of new challenges, right? Good luck...be well.

  • XxFunctionalStrengthxX
    XxFunctionalStrengthxX Posts: 2,466 Member
    Options
    TarryTaffyTwo wrote: »
    I've personally known no one who's had long term success with meeting others online. Basically, I'm not looking for a pen pal to email or text or a friend-by-phone. And, I don't know if I'm attracted to someone based on a pic & a paragraph. I need a face-to-face encounter to see if there's interest. I also wouldn't want to meet friends online for the same reason... there might be much in common on paper, but in-person convos aren't interesting.

    I know at least two couples who have been married a long time and still get along great who met online. But, they really are not the norm. I'm one of those who needs to be in the same area as the person when starting to date. Long distance relationships are difficult for those who have been in a relationship for a long time. But, starting out? Most times the fire goes out before they get a chance to meet. Again, there's always exceptions.

    But, I have to disagree about meeting online friends in person. I've met quite a few, and in nearly all cases it's really helped to solidify the friendship all the more. Usually if it's ended poorly it's because of reasons a normal friendship wouldn't occur such as lying, etc. I'll even go so far as to say that if I'm going somewhere for a trip, I'll think of who I might know from the general area and see if they want to meet up. Even if it's a couple of hour drive, I don't mind.


    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    Not to be too much of a downer, but this is in today's Guardian news site(for the UK):

    "Overall marriage rates for heterosexual couples are at their lowest level on record, continuing a long period of decline. There has been a 45% decrease since 1972."

    If people aren't married and coupled up, I don't think it is a tragedy, it could be better for a lot of people...it is what it is.

    Does it matter if people are married or single? Not really. The most important part is to be happy with yourself. Without that, you'll never be happy with someone else.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,492 Member
    Options
    *shrug


    Just get a mail-order bride.

    You know, one from some strange and exotic land.....





    like, Saskatchewan.
  • TarryTaffyTwo
    TarryTaffyTwo Posts: 448 Member
    Options
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    Just get a mail-order bride. You know, one from some strange and exotic land.....

    like, Saskatchewan.

    Lol.

    Saskatchewanonians are far too exotic. No one can handle a proper Saskatchewanonian.
  • XxFunctionalStrengthxX
    XxFunctionalStrengthxX Posts: 2,466 Member
    Options
    TarryTaffyTwo wrote: »
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    Just get a mail-order bride. You know, one from some strange and exotic land.....

    like, Saskatchewan.

    Lol.

    Saskatchewanonians are far too exotic. No one can handle a proper Saskatchewanonian.

    Too much hair on their feet...
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,181 Member
    Options
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    You know, one from some strange and exotic land.....

    I have five old core friends from schoolyard days. We are all white. Two of them are still in their first marriage to women who are about our same age and white. The other three had their first marriages end in divorce, and all three are married to women of color who are a lot younger.

    I'm the outlier, never having been married.

    I wonder about the stigma of having been divorced versus that of never having been married. It is kind of funny to think someone who has been divorced might have an advantage.

  • XxFunctionalStrengthxX
    XxFunctionalStrengthxX Posts: 2,466 Member
    edited April 2020
    Options
    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    You know, one from some strange and exotic land.....

    I have five old core friends from schoolyard days. We are all white. Two of them are still in their first marriage to women who are about our same age and white. The other three had their first marriages end in divorce, and all three are married to women of color who are a lot younger.

    I'm the outlier, never having been married.

    I wonder about the stigma of having been divorced versus that of never having been married. It is kind of funny to think someone who has been divorced might have an advantage.

    Skin colour has nothing to do with the likeliness of a relationship working or not. It's attitude, personality, maturity and what each person brings to the relationship. Even people from different demographics can make a relationship work if they want to.

    There's always a little bit of stigma for someone who's never been married. But, it also may not mean anything. Friend of mine rarely dated, and didn't meet his future wife until he was mid 50's. She had already been divorced from her first husband for a few years.

    Don't overthink it. Just do it, and enjoy. Don't act needy, and look at each opportunity as a new start. Even if you're in a long term relationship, enjoy to comfort and familiarity. But, look at it as if you're still being wowed by this incredible person sitting across from you.
  • chris_in_cal
    chris_in_cal Posts: 2,181 Member
    Options
    XxFunctionalStrengthxX wrote: »
    Skin colour has nothing to do with the likeliness of a relationship working or not.

    I agree with you. The other poster wrote about "exotic ... mail-order brides," I think they were joking, but it had me make the connections. There is often some ridicule for an older American man with a younger foreign-born wife.

    I think a women with similar interests, from a similar social circles and demographic is where my hope lies. But I agree with you, any two people can potentially make a deep connection.

  • mi_nina_lola
    mi_nina_lola Posts: 767 Member
    Options
    chris_in_cal wrote: »
    From age 21 to age 45 or so, I used to love to go to bars and clubs with friends. Dance, watch sports, throw darts, listen to music, drink, occasionally all of the above. It was a lot of fun. I don't do that much anymore, and I miss that important source of younger adult socializing.

    I enjoy exercising, but I'm not much of a gym person. I go to yoga studios, I run, I swim in the ocean, and when there is access I go to pools and swim.

    Yoga studios have been my go to place for meeting different people over the last 10 years. But I always tread very very lightly on socializing, because we are all sort of vulnerable, exposed, and there to find some peace and calm. There aren't a lot of creepy folks in the studios I go to, but I know it happens, and it isn't good.

    I've gone to a running meet up here in Honolulu, once, then the island shut down. Generally running is pretty solitary. Same with swimming.

    Last but not least, last year I got a bug and joined a beginner salsa dance class at a studio in San Diego, California. I paid for a four week beginner class. Oh my word I felt awkward. 25 women and 25 men and usually it was pretty balanced, if anything there were more men. I enjoyed myself and signed up for a second 4 weeks. Ultimately I stuck with it about 6 months, right up until the time I moved to Honolulu.

    With dancing, I was about the oldest, not always, but definitely a 30s vibe for most of the students. I happily saw some of the same people. Between sticking out a little and really trying to figure out how to dance, I did not make any social connections with students. I could have if I had continued on, probably.

    Prior to moving I looked up yoga studios and dance studios... No dance here yet, but I did begin my yoga practice at a new studio until everything shut down.

    A couple of years ago I decided to try and find a connection, I put myself out a little more than usual trying some new things, then bam I relocated and bam again the world shut down.

    BTW: over two years on MFP I got within 25 lbs of my goal weight last year...that felt awesome. The last two months have been a pretty sad relapse the other direction. I'm trying to catch myself and get back on track to reaching my goal. I just feel better when I'm logging my foods and make progress toward my goal weight.

    Just a handful of new challenges, right? Good luck...be well.

    sorry - we're the same age and i had to respond to the dancing times in the twenties :) those were the days my friend. :) it would be fabulous to have that same sort of element of socializing - well - when things settle. i hope you will find what you're looking for! stay safe
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
    Options
    3q76zmnv5gq3.png
    Pebbles can be enchanting

    lf45dwknf2rx.png

Categories