Unsupportive Husband
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You get to make and eat what you wish, as does he.
He doesn't get to 'not let you', there is some serious discussion required there that goes beyond food choices.
My husband and I mostly cook separately for the same reason.7 -
Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.
I am in a relationship where we each prepare our own meals (I'm vegan and even before that my husband was a pickier eater than me, so we've always made our own), but that's a big change to spring on someone if you've always agreed to make their food. I'm not saying OP can't do that, but I think we should acknowledge that in many relationships, telling someone who has had their meals prepared for them that they must now make their own (unless they're willing to adhere to new dietary restrictions) would be a major event.10 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »pcbossack31 wrote: »Hello everybody! I hope everybody is doing well, especially during these unprecidented times. I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive. I want to switch to being a vegetarian and he doesn't like it at all. He won't let me cook what I want to cook and he just comes up with all these excuses why I shouldn't make what I want to make. He is being very controlling. Can someone give me some advice? Is anybody going through anything similar?
You realize you don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight? If you have other reasons fine, but weight loss is calories in vs calories out.
The OP does not mention weight loss at all in her question. 🤷♀️
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My wife started calorie tracking before I did. Then I started and she said, "well, this was my thing, so I quit now...". I lost 80 lbs over a year and have kept it off for 9 years now and counting.
The next year, she got on board and lost around 30 lbs and kept most of it off. I did my thing first and when she saw that I could do it, she wanted to do it.0 -
Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.janejellyroll wrote: »I am in a relationship where we each prepare our own meals (I'm vegan and even before that my husband was a pickier eater than me, so we've always made our own), but that's a big change to spring on someone if you've always agreed to make their food. I'm not saying OP can't do that, but I think we should acknowledge that in many relationships, telling someone who has had their meals prepared for them that they must now make their own (unless they're willing to adhere to new dietary restrictions) would be a major event.
Thanks for again articulating what I was thinking!
My OH takes care of the cars. I would be hurt if he were to suddenly tell me I was on my own for this, even though I am completely capable of getting my oil changed, etc. And this is something that only gets done occasionally - it would be a bigger hurt for something that gets done every day.
My family has a long history of accommodating food allergies. It's a simple step to move to accommodating food preferences. Every July 4th I make two potato salads - my mom's and his mom's. Every Thanksgiving I make two stuffings.
As for dinners, he certainly pulls his weight by grilling and doing most of the cleanup.4 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.janejellyroll wrote: »I am in a relationship where we each prepare our own meals (I'm vegan and even before that my husband was a pickier eater than me, so we've always made our own), but that's a big change to spring on someone if you've always agreed to make their food. I'm not saying OP can't do that, but I think we should acknowledge that in many relationships, telling someone who has had their meals prepared for them that they must now make their own (unless they're willing to adhere to new dietary restrictions) would be a major event.
Thanks for again articulating what I was thinking!
My OH takes care of the cars. I would be hurt if he were to suddenly tell me I was on my own for this, even though I am completely capable of getting my oil changed, etc. And this is something that only gets done occasionally - it would be a bigger hurt for something that gets done every day.
My family has a long history of accommodating food allergies. It's a simple step to move to accommodating food preferences. Every July 4th I make two potato salads - my mom's and his mom's. Every Thanksgiving I make two stuffings.
As for dinners, he certainly pulls his weight by grilling and doing most of the cleanup.
Yes, in established relationships, we get used to the "role" someone else plays for us. I'm all for interrogating and challenging the expectation that women are responsible for preparing all the meals and that they must prepare them to the preferences of their husband (I'm not saying that is what is going on with OP because I don't know their relationship dynamic, just pointing out that it is a widespread custom across the world), but we also have to realize that suddenly changing roles will also be perceived as a hostile or rejecting act in many established relationships. If my husband told me that I was on my own for something he's done for the past fifteen years, I'd have some questions and I would potentially feel like he was pulling away from our relationship. With food being so closely tied to our emotions and our feelings of what it means to be loved/cared for, it's even more fraught than the usual household chores.
OP, I'm not saying this to convince you to cook for your husband. I DO think this is something you can discuss and renegotiate. But it's also not as simple as "Well, why can't he make his own food?" He IS responsible for feeding himself. But when we take on caring for other individuals (even if it is due to cultural expectations that we adopt without much thought), we have to realize that giving those responsibilities back to them can be an emotionally complex experience.14 -
I switched to vegetarian in March and it caused me to gain weight and have all kinds of problems!! Because I wasnt getting enough protein!! So if you are going to change do a whole lot of research and dont expect your family to change because you are!! And as of the support at home that is 1 thing that is so hard to get when your changing your diet habits .... Friend me if you like!! I am not trying to judge you in your decision but just becareful of how you do it2
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If the relationship has had comfortable, convenient divisions of labour for an amount of time, any unilateral decision to change it is going to make a wave. This happens to be a sensitive one related to gender norms, but it could as easily be something like either party decide they're not running the kids to school any more, or they're not gonna walk the dog or something that suddenly is a chunk of someone's day they have to figure out that there was no discussion over. Like, I shop for all our animal feed - if I suddenly decided I wasn't going to keep an eye on that any more, is my husband just supposed to take the job without saying anything? Same in reverse, if he suddenly stopped being the one who remembered to put the bins out Wednesday or feed the outdoor cat at night.
OP's non-replying leads me to believe that she left a couple details out.6 -
Tell him to cook his own g...d..m meals! Oops, sorry I was thinking of my ex husband. But seriously, people should be able to choose to eat whatever they want. Just smile and ignore him. If you are the main cook, then cook your veggie meals and add grilled chicken or fish for him.5
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In our current Quarantine condition, we have 4 adults living together. Me, my wife, my 24y, and my 18y. Everybody has different food requirements and preferences. (One is dairy free, one is dairy and gluten free, two have no particular issues and like having cheese and butter available.) My wife has a dietitian that gives complex and varying instructions over time.
But, somehow we've all learned to cook meals that fulfill these requirements. Everyone participates in meal prep, including my 18y. If someone always wants to have meat, you can make vegetable dishes that are also side dishes for meat (e.g., tofu veggie stir fry). A meat lover could become their own grill meister, for example.
Some specific changes have included dropping pizza. Also, several people don't like pork, so we've stopped having pork chops once a week. We eat more seafood than ever!4 -
I don't see why you can't prepare veggie side dishes that will double as the main dish for you, salads and appetizers, and designate your husband the Grill Sergeant. Just make a bigger portion of whatever it is you want but enough to share with him. If he wants meat, he can have some fun charring some up for himself!4
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BarbaraHelen2013 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »pcbossack31 wrote: »Hello everybody! I hope everybody is doing well, especially during these unprecidented times. I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive. I want to switch to being a vegetarian and he doesn't like it at all. He won't let me cook what I want to cook and he just comes up with all these excuses why I shouldn't make what I want to make. He is being very controlling. Can someone give me some advice? Is anybody going through anything similar?
You realize you don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight? If you have other reasons fine, but weight loss is calories in vs calories out.
The OP does not mention weight loss at all in her question. 🤷♀️
True. I saw the bolded in the OP's question and made the assumption she was working on weight loss but you know what happens when you assume.
" I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive."2 -
The OP hasnt come back so maybe she and her husband got in a fight using carrots as swords and she impaled him8
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Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.8
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pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
If he offers something you're no longer eating simply say no thank you. I'm happy with what I'm eating.0 -
pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
It sounds to me like if he eats this stuff by himself, hes left to feel guilty about it by himself and he isnt ready to change yet.
You cant do anything about that. You can tell him that you support his decisions on what he eats, and that as an adult he can choose what he wants to eat, and as an adult you can choose what you wish to eat and would like the same support.
If he wont after that, then just leave him, eat what you want, and let him figure out his own issues.6 -
pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
Is eating together a big way of spending time with each other?
If not, it sounds like he might feel guilty about his choices but isn’t ready to admit willingness to change, like @KrissDotCom said.
If it is, he might be genuinely scared about losing you and the time he shares with you. For example, if your thing is eating popcorn and watching movies together, he might associate the time with popcorn more than the movies, and you wanting to stop eating popcorn sounds to him like you want to stop spending time with him. Rationally it sounds silly, but it can be a very real concern.
Also, you still didn’t mention whether you have been previously cooking his meals. As discussed, relationship roles and labor division are very big things, and shaking that up suddenly is likely to cause pushback.
Food choices are an active discussion in my house, especially snack choices. My husband lost a lot of weight during quarantine because he consistently forgot to eat lunch (I still don’t understand how people forget to eat), so he’s been indulging in plenty of snacking to make up for it. He snacks on what would traditionally be classified as junk. I’m not tempted by most of his choices, but there are some that are my favorites as well. Since I don’t want to eat them unless explicitly pre-planned but will cave if they are there, we have come to an agreement that he will only eat them when I’m not home or I’m already in bed (my normal bedtime is a good 3 hours before his), and he will not leave leftovers where I can see them. It’s the little compromises that make this work for both of us.6 -
As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.
This just feels icky to me. There is a feel of manipulation here, I mean your "secret weapon".
I mean it sounds like he's changed on his own choice but the sense of devious Ness just feels wrong. Why can t you accept your husband as he is.3 -
If you expect him to become a vegetarian and refuse to have meat in the kitchen, you need to change your expectations. If he is literally controlling what you can eat, you have a serious marriage problem.2
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As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.
This just feels icky to me. There is a feel of manipulation here, I mean your "secret weapon".
I mean it sounds like he's changed on his own choice but the sense of devious Ness just feels wrong. Why can t you accept your husband as he is.
@Avidkeo I don't understand your point. What part about asking for his ideas on something makes me not accept my husband as he is?
From my perspective, it's compromising: he wants one thing, I want another, and we find ideas for combining the two in a way both are happy with.
If we didn't have these discussions and I "accepted my husband as he is", which apparently in your viewpoint means eat whatever he wants us to eat, my wants and needs would not be accepted and taken into consideration as we also have a common goal of not cooking multiple things.
If you feel like asking your husband for more ideas when the first idea is not immediately suitable for your needs and goals makes you manipulative, then you are free to agree with whatever he wants. I'm not that kind of person, he's not the kind of person who expects me to go along with his every whim, and our marriage is fine with compromising to make sure we both get what we want and need. I think accusing someone of not accepting their husband based on a single suggestion for creating compromises is rude and inappropriate.17
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