When you're the only one in your house trying to lose weight...
saltysparkle
Posts: 145 Member
Hey, there! For those of us who have partners/kids/roommates who are not also trying to lose weight, this is a thread to share our challenges and encourage each other. (I feel like someone must have come up with a funny name for this situation!)
Example: My partner is not trying to lose weight, and just doesn't understand how hard I'm working, and he wants to be encouraging -- but he's just not. Because he doesn't "get it." He has never tried to do anything like this, and so when I was so proud of myself for finally trying out a C25K workout this morning (!), his response to my FB post about it was, "Oh, did you walk down to the pond by yourself?"
My internal voice: "DUDE. I just tried something I've been working up to, something I've been avoiding, and fearing I couldn't do. I finally did it, and you completely missed the point and didn't say one nice thing to me? What the actual hell?! Why are you asking me about the POND? Yes, I walked the dog to the pond. I literally walk to the pond Every Day. Every. Damn. Day. And have posted pictures of it several times. I did that AFTER I was up at 5:15 to do a C25K workout. How did you fail to see the C25K mention on there?!"
Anyway. I love him. And perhaps it's unfair to hope he'll "get it." It just feels really lonely, though. It's not like he has no weight to lose, but he figures when the pandemic is over, he'll go back to his volleyball and that will be good enough.
Example: My partner is not trying to lose weight, and just doesn't understand how hard I'm working, and he wants to be encouraging -- but he's just not. Because he doesn't "get it." He has never tried to do anything like this, and so when I was so proud of myself for finally trying out a C25K workout this morning (!), his response to my FB post about it was, "Oh, did you walk down to the pond by yourself?"
My internal voice: "DUDE. I just tried something I've been working up to, something I've been avoiding, and fearing I couldn't do. I finally did it, and you completely missed the point and didn't say one nice thing to me? What the actual hell?! Why are you asking me about the POND? Yes, I walked the dog to the pond. I literally walk to the pond Every Day. Every. Damn. Day. And have posted pictures of it several times. I did that AFTER I was up at 5:15 to do a C25K workout. How did you fail to see the C25K mention on there?!"
Anyway. I love him. And perhaps it's unfair to hope he'll "get it." It just feels really lonely, though. It's not like he has no weight to lose, but he figures when the pandemic is over, he'll go back to his volleyball and that will be good enough.
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Sometimes people use deflective comments because they are struggling between wanting to follow you and not. He's probably working out his own feelings with his choices and activities and its coming out in comments that are sarcastic.
I'd suggest returning it.
"Did you walk down to the pond by yourself"
"I did! I'm sure someday you will get there too without holding my hand 😛"
Just roll with it and let him figure it out..
If it continues for a long time however you can sit down and address it with him. Tell him you've been letting his comments go by being saucy back at him because you love him but that his comments are starting to have an effect on you and you need him to be supportive sometimes
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My husband isn't trying to lose weight (although he has acknowledged he is overweight) but he is thankfully supportive and cheers me on when I achieve small things. Maybe the weight you need to lose is your partner 😆5
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saltysparkle wrote: »Hey, there! For those of us who have partners/kids/roommates who are not also trying to lose weight, this is a thread to share our challenges and encourage each other. (I feel like someone must have come up with a funny name for this situation!)
Example: My partner is not trying to lose weight, and just doesn't understand how hard I'm working, and he wants to be encouraging -- but he's just not. Because he doesn't "get it." He has never tried to do anything like this, and so when I was so proud of myself for finally trying out a C25K workout this morning (!), his response to my FB post about it was, "Oh, did you walk down to the pond by yourself?"
My internal voice: "DUDE. I just tried something I've been working up to, something I've been avoiding, and fearing I couldn't do. I finally did it, and you completely missed the point and didn't say one nice thing to me? What the actual hell?! Why are you asking me about the POND? Yes, I walked the dog to the pond. I literally walk to the pond Every Day. Every. Damn. Day. And have posted pictures of it several times. I did that AFTER I was up at 5:15 to do a C25K workout. How did you fail to see the C25K mention on there?!"
Anyway. I love him. And perhaps it's unfair to hope he'll "get it." It just feels really lonely, though. It's not like he has no weight to lose, but he figures when the pandemic is over, he'll go back to his volleyball and that will be good enough.
Perhaps if you would actually engage him in a conversation (you know actually talking using your voice) instead of social media you would get better results?
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I would say do not expect support from him. As you say, he does not understand. Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it.
In a way I am fortunate that my husband has been on this path before. He needs to be on it now (he is at his heaviest and I worry about his health) but he has to make the decision.5 -
Hubby's gonna get a rude awakening in about 11 pounds from me! I've always, throughout our marriage, weighed as much as or more than him -- mostly more than. Although he weighs about 50 pounds less than he did when we got married, I'm catching up. He's crept up from his low and I'm still heading down. I told him he doesn't need to pay attention to his weight until I catch up. I'm the closest to caught up since he first lost weight after we got married! I'm hoping to reach ONEderland by my 70th birthday on January 25th. His 70th birthday is January 7th and if he hits ONEderland before his birthday, I'm going to be seriously annoyed! LOL19
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I talk directly with my husband about my weight-loss journey, the highs and the lows. I don't expect him to eat how I am, but the offer is always out there to join in on my meals (unless it's my meal prep for the work week ha). I don't bombard him with every detail but try to check in daily with him about it. And I always open the door for him to talk about what he's working on/struggling with/etc. This weight loss attempt this time around has been different from all the rest because it is finally coming from wanting it for myself and not for my husband/kids/guilt/family and any other reason. So since I'm not looking for other people to comment on my weight, I'm not disappointed when they don't. Sorry you are in a frustrating situation, don't let it derail you from your true goals!9
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My issue is snacks around the house.
When I was getting support and my wife was on the journey with me, it was much easier because calorie dense snack foods were “out of sight- out of mind.” She certainly has the right to eat what she wants but it is now requiring me to have much more willpower. Chips etc in the house is kryptonite for me.
But I keep reminding myself that this is a personal thing and I must be 💪! I will do this! My weight is my problem and i am finding my solution.8 -
If he’s not being supportive in the way you need or if his comments are hurtful or frustrating then talk to him. Tell him why the pond comment upset you and what kind of support you’d appreciate from him.
Idk...I hate the idea that we shouldn’t expect support from our partners. And I’ve seen it pushed on here all the time that’s it’s fine for your partner to be a *kitten* partner and not support you. The people who supposedly love us most in this world get a pass on supporting us being healthier, happier adults? No thank you. My husband has never struggled with his weight and he may not fully understand my struggles but he has been endlessly supportive on my journey. Always encouraging, always cheering me on. That’s what a good partner does and it’s not hard. It’s not unreasonable to ask your partner to be more supportive while do something that can be very challenging mentally and physically.17 -
Onedaywriter wrote: »My issue is snacks around the house.
When I was getting support and my wife was on the journey with me, it was much easier because calorie dense snack foods were “out of sight- out of mind.” She certainly has the right to eat what she wants but it is now requiring me to have much more willpower. Chips etc in the house is kryptonite for me.
But I keep reminding myself that this is a personal thing and I must be 💪! I will do this! My weight is my problem and i am finding my solution.
This is pretty much where I am right now too. Dh has every right to eat all those cheetos and fudge cookies, potato salad and ice cream but to just have them available in the house is such a strong magnet for me. I haven't been feeling the willpower very strongly since winter started.
And for a solid few months I ate and ate, gained 20#. I'm now on my 3rd week of trying very hard to get back to where I was and it's taking me every ounce of will just to take it ODAAT. So, hubby, because he said I'd been acting a little down lately(but I truly think it was because he wanted some and would've felt guilty just buying himself a pint)brought home 2 pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream Friday. WTH Normally, it'd been polished off that very night. But it's still in the freezer. 
Diet sabotage.
But yes, OP, sorry for getting off the track here.
Some days we are the ones who need to give ourselves a pat on the back for what we've accomplished; that feeling of satisfaction has to come from us. It'd be nice if our SO's stepped up for that but sometimes.....they just don't. They're a different person, different thought processes, cannot read our minds, etc., etc. You know the whole thing about Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. 
As my dh always tells me, "he's just a man". 7 -
My husband is the kind of oblivious fellow who doesn’t remember our 30th, my 50th birthday or other milestones. If I hang a new peice of art, put out a new coffee table, or accidentally get my hair whacked to crew cut length like I did a couple weeks ago, he’s probably not going to notice. OTOH I know he loves me, he’s a good guy, and I’ve just learned to live with it. It’s the same kind of gentleness that didn’t care when I was fat, and he’s pleased on my behalf but not overly invested that I’m thin now.
He has no interest in losing weight. I wish he did, but, hey, I love him anyway, and he put up with me for all these years.
I’ve learned to eat my snacks, he eats his. Generally he’s kind enough to eat them downstairs.
I make a dinner that’s pleasing and acceptable for both of us, he gets double or triple helpings.
I try to be cognizant that his world doesn’t revolve around logging, counting, weighing, gasping “that has how many calories”, pissing and moaning if I went over, etc. I’m sure after 20+ months of this, he’s sick and tired of it.
So, in our strange and intimate way, I take his utter lack of input as tacit support and appreciate it for what it is.
It’s whatever works for you.
PS I make him sound like an oaf. He’s a doll baby and I’m lucky to have him.22 -
Shortgirlrunning wrote: »If he’s not being supportive in the way you need or if his comments are hurtful or frustrating then talk to him. Tell him why the pond comment upset you and what kind of support you’d appreciate from him.
Idk...I hate the idea that we shouldn’t expect support from our partners. And I’ve seen it pushed on here all the time that’s it’s fine for your partner to be a *kitten* partner and not support you. The people who supposedly love us most in this world get a pass on supporting us being healthier, happier adults? No thank you. My husband has never struggled with his weight and he may not fully understand my struggles but he has been endlessly supportive on my journey. Always encouraging, always cheering me on. That’s what a good partner does and it’s not hard. It’s not unreasonable to ask your partner to be more supportive while do something that can be very challenging mentally and physically.
Thank you! I agree. No matter what my husbands interests are, I try to be supportive and encouraging. Why is it okay for people to be total *kittens* to the person their *supposed* to love most? I don’t get the “pass” mentality.7 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »saltysparkle wrote: »Hey, there! For those of us who have partners/kids/roommates who are not also trying to lose weight, this is a thread to share our challenges and encourage each other. (I feel like someone must have come up with a funny name for this situation!)
Example: My partner is not trying to lose weight, and just doesn't understand how hard I'm working, and he wants to be encouraging -- but he's just not. Because he doesn't "get it." He has never tried to do anything like this, and so when I was so proud of myself for finally trying out a C25K workout this morning (!), his response to my FB post about it was, "Oh, did you walk down to the pond by yourself?"
My internal voice: "DUDE. I just tried something I've been working up to, something I've been avoiding, and fearing I couldn't do. I finally did it, and you completely missed the point and didn't say one nice thing to me? What the actual hell?! Why are you asking me about the POND? Yes, I walked the dog to the pond. I literally walk to the pond Every Day. Every. Damn. Day. And have posted pictures of it several times. I did that AFTER I was up at 5:15 to do a C25K workout. How did you fail to see the C25K mention on there?!"
Anyway. I love him. And perhaps it's unfair to hope he'll "get it." It just feels really lonely, though. It's not like he has no weight to lose, but he figures when the pandemic is over, he'll go back to his volleyball and that will be good enough.
Perhaps if you would actually engage him in a conversation (you know actually talking using your voice) instead of social media you would get better results?
Yes, this. Also, don't expect people to be mind-readers. If something is important to you and you have specific words you want to hear someone say about it, that's just not likely going to be a productive approach.
I was thinking this was going to be one of those threads about family members "sabotaging" someone's weight loss plans by not changing their own eating habits.3 -
My mother lives with us because of health issues- I have been heavy my entire life and she has not. I am at my lowest adult weight currently and have been working hard to get there. I have about 30-40 more to go. She has recently hit her highest weight and largest size- still nowhere near where I was at my heaviest, but definitely overweight. She is pretty inactive because of her issues and also may eat one meal a day- she actually doesn’t eat much junk. That said I get daily comments when she sees me of “I hate you, skinny.” And “going to workout again?!?” My favorite is “I made brownies (cookies, cake, etc.). if you don’t eat some I have to throw it out.” I have teenagers - trust me I don’t need to eat anything except fruit to keep it from going to waste lol. Now I am getting the “you look sick” and “you need to stop.” I am still obese though nearing the overweight category- 170lbs and 5’7”. It is infuriating and I basically have to tune it out because every discussion I have tried to have regarding it has not been favorably met and has not yielded any results.16
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My husband is thin (always has been) and had never really tried to diet before meeting me. He spent a few weeks on MFP tracking calories and trying to eat to a set amount. He found out how hard it was! He did it to support me and I really appreciated it.
He’s stopped tracking now but still weighs and measures everything he cooks so I can log it.
I’m just throwing it out there because
1. That’s how a supportive husband should act.
2. For some people the “challenge” of trying out what you’re doing for a few days might really help them understand how difficult trying to lose weight can be (my husband wasn’t trying to eat to the same calorie level as me - that would be silly - he was just trying to experience tracking and learning how many calories are in some of the foods he likes).6 -
dawnkirkwood18 wrote: »My favorite is “I made brownies (cookies, cake, etc.). if you don’t eat some I have to throw it out.”
I was given some advice a few years back that has stayed with me and has helped me more than I can say.....
"I am not a dustbin"
I remind myself of this whenever the spectre of wasting food rears its ugly head.
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springlering62 wrote: »
So, in our strange and intimate way, I take his utter lack of input as tacit support and appreciate it for what it is.
It’s whatever works for you.
PS I make him sound like an oaf. He’s a doll baby and I’m lucky to have him.
Don't worry, you do not make him sound like an oaf at all and instead what you have said about him is quite thoughtful.
I am happy to talk about my weight loss but frankly, I would just rather be left to get on with it and your story demonstrates that sometimes the best support can simply be someone making that as easy as possible.
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HeidiCooksSupper wrote: »Hubby's gonna get a rude awakening in about 11 pounds from me! I've always, throughout our marriage, weighed as much as or more than him -- mostly more than. Although he weighs about 50 pounds less than he did when we got married, I'm catching up. He's crept up from his low and I'm still heading down. I told him he doesn't need to pay attention to his weight until I catch up. I'm the closest to caught up since he first lost weight after we got married! I'm hoping to reach ONEderland by my 70th birthday on January 25th. His 70th birthday is January 7th and if he hits ONEderland before his birthday, I'm going to be seriously annoyed! LOL
Love this! You can do it!0 -
Sounds like you need to shop around for a new guy... Love is only a fraction of being a good partner and he is seriously lacking. I really hope if you're not going to give him the boot that you communicate your needs to him...
I have kids and a bunch of junk in the house. I give them the option to fend for themselves (within reason) or to eat what I cook. They like the foods I cook although they are healthy so they tend to go with what I cook. Even when they fend for themselves, it's usually me cooking them mac & cheese and hotdogs or burgers on the grill or spaghetti, all of which I cannot have.0 -
RockingWithLJ wrote: »Sounds like you need to shop around for a new guy... Love is only a fraction of being a good partner and he is seriously lacking. I really hope if you're not going to give him the boot that you communicate your needs to him...
I have kids and a bunch of junk in the house. I give them the option to fend for themselves (within reason) or to eat what I cook. They like the foods I cook although they are healthy so they tend to go with what I cook. Even when they fend for themselves, it's usually me cooking them mac & cheese and hotdogs or burgers on the grill or spaghetti, all of which I cannot have.
Wow, please don't listen to this advice. Your husband didn't realize you had accomplished a personal goal. Tell him! And then tell him what your next personsl goal is, then tell him when you reach that one.
Just because he didn't know about, doesn't mean he won't be proud of you when he knows.
In the same way you may not know about his personal accomplishments unless he tells you.15 -
It sure can make it harder, but in the end if you're doing this for yourself, that's all that really matters.
I'm currently the only one in my house trying to lose weight. My fiance wants to but just isn't ready to make serious changes yet, and our roommate isn't interested at all. I'm also following a keto WOE, which is also different from them.
They're both supportive but they'll keep doing them and I'll keep doing me. Since my fiance and I do all of the cooking, we do at least try to make food we can all eat or that can be easily modified for me (like splitting away a portion before adding ingredients I'm avoiding). When that isn't in the cards, I fend for myself with no fuss. It's not their job to hold my hand, all I ask is that they be polite and I'll do the same.
As for them commenting on my progress, I don't go out of my way to talk to my roomie since there's a chance I'll trigger her (EDNOS history) but I don't hide what I'm doing and she will occasionally pipe up if she notices positive changes. I'm far more likely to gush to my fiance when I reach a new goal or milestone and he'll celebrate with me, but I wouldn't expect him to celebrate something I hadn't actually spoken to him about.
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I'm the only one trying to lose weight, and my husband needs to lose weight too. I've tried so many things to encourage him to do it with me however I've realised that unless he is motivated by his own goals it's not going to happen. I backed off about a year ago (as I struggled away lol) and leave him alone. I wouldn't have responded well to anyone bugging me to lose weight.
I found a balance that's working for me this year thankfully! Luckily my husband is not a picky eater and is supportive of my goals. We like different meals for breakfast and lunch and I cook what fits my calories for dinner and he'll have bigger portions and maybe add bread, cheese or rice or whatever he feels like to his. He is thoughtful in weighing my food when he gets me something (and asks if I want it first). I am learning to be able to live around his treats and get some that I love that I generally work in daily and that's kept me from binging. He won't usually exercise with me (walks or biking mostly) however he will clean up or do whatever when I go. I've no complaints other than he keeps getting heavier and I worry about his health. When he's ready I'll be there to support him as he does with me ❤5 -
But yes, OP, sorry for getting off the track here. Some days we are the ones who need to give ourselves a pat on the back for what we've accomplished; that feeling of satisfaction has to come from us. It'd be nice if our SO's stepped up for that but sometimes.....they just don't. They're a different person, different thought processes, cannot read our minds, etc., etc. You know the whole thing about Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. As my dh always tells me, "he's just a man".
You're not off track at all! This is a thread for those of us doing it alone who have challenges with it! I appreciate your thoughts, and for what it's worth, Reenie and @Onedaywriter, snacks in the house are my kryptonite as well! I have a tween. Who loves snacks. So, yeah!
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dawnkirkwood18 wrote: »It is infuriating and I basically have to tune it out because every discussion I have tried to have regarding it has not been favorably met and has not yielded any results.
That sounds really hard, and you sound really strong! You are one of my new real-life inspirations, and I need those, so thank you for sharing this.
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Your husband didn't realize you had accomplished a personal goal. Tell him! And then tell him what your next personsl goal is, then tell him when you reach that one.
Just because he didn't know about, doesn't mean he won't be proud of you when he knows.
In the same way you may not know about his personal accomplishments unless he tells you.
Yes, I'm sure this is true. And right after my internal rant, I thought some version of this to myself, coupled with, "It's not fair to expect him to be a mind-reader. You can't read minds, either. And how much of this is you are just mad at yourself?"
While I would love for him to be more of a cheerleader-type, I also do believe that I have to want it badly enough for it not to matter. He's not a cheerleader-type, and that's okay. In general, in life, that's not what I need in a partner.
With fitness, though, I feel like I need...someone like me! I used to be the friend who people came to when they wanted to lose weight. Who was always up for a walk, a swim, a yoga or dance class. Who would listen and was there for accountability if they wanted that, and I'd go clothes shopping if they went up or down a size and find flattering clothes in their sizes for them while they tried stuff on. I made note of their goals and celebrated with them when they achieved them. I didn't understand what they were going through, because I was skinny for the first three decades of my life, so I'm sure I wasn't perfect at it, but I was as supportive as I could be.
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@Saskatchebun, that sounds like a really good balance. I smiled when I saw he even weighs your food for you! That's very sweet.1
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My husband has lost weight without even trying, just because i'm buying healthier and cooking better. It's really annoying!6 -
My husband says that I will quit again because I always quit. I NEED to prove him wrong.
He has a much faster metabolism than I do and almost never becomes overweight no matter what he eats. It’s very irritating because he doesn’t understand how much I struggle with weight loss.
Everytime I want to eat more than I should or quit, I remind myself that if I do that, I prove him right. I want him to be wrong so I can, childishly, say I told you so!13 -
Dogmom1978 wrote: »I want to eat more than I should or quit, I remind myself that if I do that, I prove him right. I want him to be wrong so I can, childishly, say I told you so!
My daughter calls this “revenge body.” It seems to be working for her.
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Onedaywriter wrote: »Dogmom1978 wrote: »I want to eat more than I should or quit, I remind myself that if I do that, I prove him right. I want him to be wrong so I can, childishly, say I told you so!
My daughter calls this “revenge body.” It seems to be working for her.
I’ve known my husband since we were 16. We are 42 now. Most of this time he has weighed less than me and he is 6 inches taller. I want to be the hot one when we walk down the street. And I just want to prove him wrong so badly on this. It’s currently a great motivator, so I’m running with it 😛7 -
Dogmom1978 wrote: »My husband says that I will quit again because I always quit. I NEED to prove him wrong.
He has a much faster metabolism than I do and almost never becomes overweight no matter what he eats. It’s very irritating because he doesn’t understand how much I struggle with weight loss.
Everytime I want to eat more than I should or quit, I remind myself that if I do that, I prove him right. I want him to be wrong so I can, childishly, say I told you so!
Let's not quit, together! Feel free to add me as an accountability-buddy.2
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