Quasita wrote: »
I had this quiet moment after cooking what was a planned self-sabotage binge, which I used to do often... I would buy a lot of stuff to eat in order to eat until it hurt because I thought I was unlovable. I was already fat, I was always going to be fat in the eyes of others, and I was always told that I would not be wanted because of it. I had a moment of clarity where I realized that it wasn't about food addiction or any of the classic stuff people would blame, but rather about hating myself and a manifestation of a long-standing eating disorder pattern.
Realizing I was participating in self-harm was the first moment. The second phase was about knowing that I would live until I died, and that certain things make living more miserable than others. One of those things was being bigger than any clothing store could clothe. I decided that I might as well make the time between now and the day I die the least miserable.
I can't say that had I know ahead of time just how much it would cost me to chase this goal aggressively that I would still have chosen to lose the weight in this way... but I can say that discovering the root as being self-harm and not an addiction to food or compulsion to eat (as soooo many people assume you have to have in order to get as fat as I was) really opened up a whole new wave of repair in my life, including a pathway to being more mentally healthy overall. Losing the weight I have lost is one of the few things I can point to in my life as a tangible and obvious representation of the change in my self-esteem and value.
1poundatax wrote: »
@Steelkid- wow, awesome job! Keep it up!
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