How do I support husband wanting to lose weight

2

Replies

  • IronIsMyTherapy
    IronIsMyTherapy Posts: 482 Member
    edited November 2020
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    1. Help him make healthy food choices. He doesn't have to give up pizza, but reduce how much he eats and make it more infrequent. Maybe make ordering pizza a once a month occurance and encourage him to make it last 2 meals, then 3, then maybe even 4. If I want pizza, often I'll have a protein shake or chicken breast first to blunt my appetite. I can put down a large pie no problem on an empty stomach, but not so easily after 6 oz of chicken breast.
    2. Spend active time together. Go for a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. Exercise doesn't have to suck. Plan it, put it in calendar and stick to it rain or shine. You can even do things like put a bike or treadmill in front of the TV and if he wants to watch the game, he has to walk or cycle during it. Or, do sets of pushups during commercials. Have him earn his leisure time.
    3. Hold him accountable. Call him out (kindly). Humans react positively to being believed in and being held to a high standard. Holding ourselves to those standards are much harder alone.
    4. Let him know you notice the effort and that you're proud of him. But, mean it. And you can reward him in the ways only a wife can, ifyaknowwhatimean

    No to 1, 3, and 4. First part of 2 is okay. The second part needs to be HIS idea.

    Sex for weight loss... MAJOR NO.

    You should know by now how much encouragement he might need. I needed and wanted very little from my wife. I definitely did not want her input on what I ate. I do not mean this too negatively but using the term "junk food" does not lead me to believe you would be unbiased enough.

    If he needs help with hunger control point him towards these forums.

    We're all making suggestions here. You really are saying that helping someone make healthy choices and eat less, plan active time together, care enough to hold them accountable and communicate appreciation aren't good forms of support? All of the things I suggested would work with me, it doesn't matter if they don't work for you but just saying "no" to them is pointless. Carry on with your day and make your own suggestions. I don't like pretty much any form of cardio but if my wife wants to go for a hike, I'm happy to join but I'm not likely to suggest it.

    I wasn't suggesting sex for weight loss. I was suggesting it could be possible form of demonstrating appreciation of effort. That being said, I don't agree with you. I've definitely had it be a major component in cutting fat, metrics via fitness tracker. What's your rationale behind utilizing an enjoyable activity that burns a ton of calories (assuming you don't play possum) being a "MAJOR NO"?


    Earned intimacy is not intimacy. It is a form of judgment. Sex as a reward is such a bad idea. This is not a sitcom.

    To the rest of the points a wife should avoid acting like a mother. Chances are he will have to go through a few iterations of try and fail before he figures it out and she does not want her fingerprints on the train if it slides off the track.

    It is best to get your advice from an objective third party that does not live with you. You may not always like what you have to be told and in a close relationship with all the emotions involved you can easily swing back and forth from grateful to resentful. In addition, if he decides to take his foot off the gas or just has a weak moment he should be able to do so without hiding.

    All of these are your opinions, not fact.

    True.

    Opinions based on a lot of experience and observation but just opinions. I might also mention that while still just opinions mine come with less risk of blowing up in the OP's face.

    Also your opinion...

    Ok Ok we get it .... he stated his opinion and not fact, just like you stated your opinion and not fact.

    I'm also going to state my opinion, not fact if that's ok lol

    I'd have to agree with the "Sex as a reward is such a bad idea"
    I don't ever want to feel like I have to earn my husbands love and affection.
    That sounds awful :(

    If you're secure in your relationship, it won't feel like you HAVE to earn it but it can add a fun dimension. I know my wife would be willing anytime but if she said "after you've done X, I'll do Y" I'd be off and running. Not because I think that's the only way it would happen, but it would still be motivating. I didn't say "withhold it unless he earns it".

    I feed my dog on a schedule. I train my dog to do things by giving him treats. I would prefer not to be trained by my wife.

    None of that is opinion.

    It actually still is your opinion, just sayin'. And the OP's husband was asking for help so a feeding schedule and treats for good behavior might just work lol (Relax, I'm only half serious.)
  • IronIsMyTherapy
    IronIsMyTherapy Posts: 482 Member
    edited November 2020
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    1. Help him make healthy food choices. He doesn't have to give up pizza, but reduce how much he eats and make it more infrequent. Maybe make ordering pizza a once a month occurance and encourage him to make it last 2 meals, then 3, then maybe even 4. If I want pizza, often I'll have a protein shake or chicken breast first to blunt my appetite. I can put down a large pie no problem on an empty stomach, but not so easily after 6 oz of chicken breast.
    2. Spend active time together. Go for a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. Exercise doesn't have to suck. Plan it, put it in calendar and stick to it rain or shine. You can even do things like put a bike or treadmill in front of the TV and if he wants to watch the game, he has to walk or cycle during it. Or, do sets of pushups during commercials. Have him earn his leisure time.
    3. Hold him accountable. Call him out (kindly). Humans react positively to being believed in and being held to a high standard. Holding ourselves to those standards are much harder alone.
    4. Let him know you notice the effort and that you're proud of him. But, mean it. And you can reward him in the ways only a wife can, ifyaknowwhatimean

    No to 1, 3, and 4. First part of 2 is okay. The second part needs to be HIS idea.

    Sex for weight loss... MAJOR NO.

    You should know by now how much encouragement he might need. I needed and wanted very little from my wife. I definitely did not want her input on what I ate. I do not mean this too negatively but using the term "junk food" does not lead me to believe you would be unbiased enough.

    If he needs help with hunger control point him towards these forums.

    We're all making suggestions here. You really are saying that helping someone make healthy choices and eat less, plan active time together, care enough to hold them accountable and communicate appreciation aren't good forms of support? All of the things I suggested would work with me, it doesn't matter if they don't work for you but just saying "no" to them is pointless. Carry on with your day and make your own suggestions. I don't like pretty much any form of cardio but if my wife wants to go for a hike, I'm happy to join but I'm not likely to suggest it.

    I wasn't suggesting sex for weight loss. I was suggesting it could be possible form of demonstrating appreciation of effort. That being said, I don't agree with you. I've definitely had it be a major component in cutting fat, metrics via fitness tracker. What's your rationale behind utilizing an enjoyable activity that burns a ton of calories (assuming you don't play possum) being a "MAJOR NO"?


    Earned intimacy is not intimacy. It is a form of judgment. Sex as a reward is such a bad idea. This is not a sitcom.

    To the rest of the points a wife should avoid acting like a mother. Chances are he will have to go through a few iterations of try and fail before he figures it out and she does not want her fingerprints on the train if it slides off the track.

    It is best to get your advice from an objective third party that does not live with you. You may not always like what you have to be told and in a close relationship with all the emotions involved you can easily swing back and forth from grateful to resentful. In addition, if he decides to take his foot off the gas or just has a weak moment he should be able to do so without hiding.

    All of these are your opinions, not fact.

    True.

    Opinions based on a lot of experience and observation but just opinions. I might also mention that while still just opinions mine come with less risk of blowing up in the OP's face.

    Also your opinion...

    Ok Ok we get it .... he stated his opinion and not fact, just like you stated your opinion and not fact.

    I'm also going to state my opinion, not fact if that's ok lol

    I'd have to agree with the "Sex as a reward is such a bad idea"
    I don't ever want to feel like I have to earn my husbands love and affection.
    That sounds awful :(

    If you're secure in your relationship, it won't feel like you HAVE to earn it but it can add a fun dimension. I know my wife would be willing anytime but if she said "after you've done X, I'll do Y" I'd be off and running. Not because I think that's the only way it would happen, but it would still be motivating. I didn't say "withhold it unless he earns it".

    I feed my dog on a schedule. I train my dog to do things by giving him treats. I would prefer not to be trained by my wife.

    None of that is opinion.

    It actually still is your opinion, just sayin'. And the OP's husband was asking for help so a feeding schedule and treats for good behavior might just work lol (Relax, I'm only half serious.)

    I thought you had a good handle on opinions.

    Fact: I do feed my dog on a schedule.
    Fact: He will definitely get food.
    Fact: I give him treats to train him.
    Fact: I would not like to be trained by my wife.

    I can state a fact about my own preferences as they currently stand. I like teal. That is a fact.



    I was saying you not wanting your wife to train you is your opinion with the regards to a wife training their husband. OP's literally asked for help. Training is help. Ok, let me flip flop on what I suggested.

    1. Don't make any suggestions as to what food he should eat or how much.
    2. Don't do anything active together.
    3. If you see him slipping, don't mention it.
    4. If you notice effort, don't say anything. And DON'T show appreciation through anything physical.

    Good luck!
  • gisem17
    gisem17 Posts: 50 Member
    I agree with encouraging him to get on the MFP app. Point out that it not only tracks food calories consumed but also exercise calories burned. If/when he joins, make sure you invite him to be you friend (assuming you use it yourself If not, start) and share your diary. That will make it easier for him to record food you share by letting him copy from you and adjust the portion size.
    As he sees you using the app, sees your updates and successes, it will encourage him to stay with it. Let the app deliver the bad news that his exercise calories dont make up for the way he eats.
    And yes, this is just my opinion. But as someone who also uses the gentleman's bathroom, I would love it if my wife was on MFP with me.
  • MidlifeCrisisFitness
    MidlifeCrisisFitness Posts: 1,114 Member
    edited November 2020
    Point him to some guys who have had success. Fit Father Project cones to mind.
  • IronIsMyTherapy
    IronIsMyTherapy Posts: 482 Member
    edited November 2020
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    NovusDies wrote: »
    1. Help him make healthy food choices. He doesn't have to give up pizza, but reduce how much he eats and make it more infrequent. Maybe make ordering pizza a once a month occurance and encourage him to make it last 2 meals, then 3, then maybe even 4. If I want pizza, often I'll have a protein shake or chicken breast first to blunt my appetite. I can put down a large pie no problem on an empty stomach, but not so easily after 6 oz of chicken breast.
    2. Spend active time together. Go for a walk, hike, bike ride, etc. Exercise doesn't have to suck. Plan it, put it in calendar and stick to it rain or shine. You can even do things like put a bike or treadmill in front of the TV and if he wants to watch the game, he has to walk or cycle during it. Or, do sets of pushups during commercials. Have him earn his leisure time.
    3. Hold him accountable. Call him out (kindly). Humans react positively to being believed in and being held to a high standard. Holding ourselves to those standards are much harder alone.
    4. Let him know you notice the effort and that you're proud of him. But, mean it. And you can reward him in the ways only a wife can, ifyaknowwhatimean

    No to 1, 3, and 4. First part of 2 is okay. The second part needs to be HIS idea.

    Sex for weight loss... MAJOR NO.

    You should know by now how much encouragement he might need. I needed and wanted very little from my wife. I definitely did not want her input on what I ate. I do not mean this too negatively but using the term "junk food" does not lead me to believe you would be unbiased enough.

    If he needs help with hunger control point him towards these forums.

    We're all making suggestions here. You really are saying that helping someone make healthy choices and eat less, plan active time together, care enough to hold them accountable and communicate appreciation aren't good forms of support? All of the things I suggested would work with me, it doesn't matter if they don't work for you but just saying "no" to them is pointless. Carry on with your day and make your own suggestions. I don't like pretty much any form of cardio but if my wife wants to go for a hike, I'm happy to join but I'm not likely to suggest it.

    I wasn't suggesting sex for weight loss. I was suggesting it could be possible form of demonstrating appreciation of effort. That being said, I don't agree with you. I've definitely had it be a major component in cutting fat, metrics via fitness tracker. What's your rationale behind utilizing an enjoyable activity that burns a ton of calories (assuming you don't play possum) being a "MAJOR NO"?


    Earned intimacy is not intimacy. It is a form of judgment. Sex as a reward is such a bad idea. This is not a sitcom.

    To the rest of the points a wife should avoid acting like a mother. Chances are he will have to go through a few iterations of try and fail before he figures it out and she does not want her fingerprints on the train if it slides off the track.

    It is best to get your advice from an objective third party that does not live with you. You may not always like what you have to be told and in a close relationship with all the emotions involved you can easily swing back and forth from grateful to resentful. In addition, if he decides to take his foot off the gas or just has a weak moment he should be able to do so without hiding.

    All of these are your opinions, not fact.

    True.

    Opinions based on a lot of experience and observation but just opinions. I might also mention that while still just opinions mine come with less risk of blowing up in the OP's face.

    Also your opinion...

    Ok Ok we get it .... he stated his opinion and not fact, just like you stated your opinion and not fact.

    I'm also going to state my opinion, not fact if that's ok lol

    I'd have to agree with the "Sex as a reward is such a bad idea"
    I don't ever want to feel like I have to earn my husbands love and affection.
    That sounds awful :(

    If you're secure in your relationship, it won't feel like you HAVE to earn it but it can add a fun dimension. I know my wife would be willing anytime but if she said "after you've done X, I'll do Y" I'd be off and running. Not because I think that's the only way it would happen, but it would still be motivating. I didn't say "withhold it unless he earns it".

    I feed my dog on a schedule. I train my dog to do things by giving him treats. I would prefer not to be trained by my wife.

    None of that is opinion.

    It actually still is your opinion, just sayin'. And the OP's husband was asking for help so a feeding schedule and treats for good behavior might just work lol (Relax, I'm only half serious.)

    I thought you had a good handle on opinions.

    Fact: I do feed my dog on a schedule.
    Fact: He will definitely get food.
    Fact: I give him treats to train him.
    Fact: I would not like to be trained by my wife.

    I can state a fact about my own preferences as they currently stand. I like teal. That is a fact.



    I was saying you not wanting your wife to train you is your opinion with the regards to a wife training their husband. OP's literally asked for help. Training is help. Ok, let me flip flop on what I suggested.

    1. Don't make any suggestions as to what food he should eat or how much.
    2. Don't do anything active together.
    3. If you see him slipping, don't mention it.
    4. If you notice effort, don't say anything. And DON'T show appreciation through anything physical.

    Good luck!

    Not sure why you're having such a hard time letting this go, but for the record, all he said was he would not like to be trained by his wife. That's not an opinion, that's quite obviously a fact as it pertains to *his* relationship with his wife. My opinion is that you're overthinking this just to 'win,' when, in reality, it's a different strokes for different folks kind of deal.

    To the OP: Having read through the thread including your subsequent posts, I agree with the stance that you should not be in the line of fire with your husband on this issue. I can see that ending badly for you, especially given his current mindset which sounds pretty unrealistic and potentially volatile. I think getting him to set up an account here and record everything he eats for a few weeks (which is something you *can* help him with) is going to be the eye opener he needs. And if that doesn't make the penny drop for him, it's likely that nothing will at this point. Yes, exercise is beneficial - I lost 75 lbs a few years ago logging everything I ate and being more active, but definitely 80%+ of my weight loss I would directly attribute to changing my diet, especially portion sizes. I never took any food off my table as being 'junk' - it's still food after all, just generally has a too high bang for the caloric buck. I still ate pizza, for example, just less often and in portion sizes that would fit into my caloric 'budget' for that day or week.

    Because we're all giving suggestions, the OP can sort through what would apply to their situation and select/disregard. We don't need to referee other suggestions that we don't like; they're not directed towards us. I agree completely with "different strokes".
  • lemurcat2
    lemurcat2 Posts: 7,870 Member
    Exercise is good for health even if he doesn't lose weight. So encourage him with that.

    Tell him counting cals is a way to lose that works for many and encourage him to try out the MFP app or another similar one (I like Cron, but it works better if you eat mostly whole foods). Ask him what he thinks you could do to help -- that might lead to an interesting discussion.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,866 Member
    edited November 2020
    Thinking of ideas... say you order a pizza, freeze half the moment it arrives for later? Then only 3 slices are available for him if you have one. Or order smaller pizzas.

    If you're cooking, only make what will be eaten in that meal, no leftovers.

    Buy small bags of chips, not big... or don't buy them at all... or like me I only let myself buy them at the end of the month because they are my weakness but I also dont want to live without them.

    Show him MFP or research backed studies saying that weight loss is made in the kitchen. Get him cooking with you. Have him take responsibility for his meals and snacks. Have easy and quick, yet calorie conscious and or healthy snacks ready in the fridge, freezer or pantry (prepared ideally by him, but you if you are willing to do it for the rest of your life). Don't make him feel like he isnt allowed his favourite foods... don't harp on him.
  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,143 Member
    You can't do the work for him. It is up to him. But here are a few supportive things you could do that would help if he does his own weight loss work.

    Don't have junk food and sweets in the house.
    Don't order pizza or take out fast food and have that around him.
    Be sensitive and forego events or outings based around food

  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 60 Member
    VeryKatie wrote: »
    Thinking of ideas... say you order a pizza, freeze half the moment it arrives for later? Then only 3 slices are available for him if you have one. Or order smaller pizzas.

    If you're cooking, only make what will be eaten in that meal, no leftovers.

    Buy small bags of chips, not big... or don't buy them at all... or like me I only let myself buy them at the end of the month because they are my weakness but I also dont want to live without them.

    Show him MFP or research backed studies saying that weight loss is made in the kitchen. Get him cooking with you. Have him take responsibility for his meals and snacks. Have easy and quick, yet calorie conscious and or healthy snacks ready in the fridge, freezer or pantry (prepared ideally by him, but you if you are willing to do it for the rest of your life). Don't make him feel like he isnt allowed his favourite foods... don't harp on him.

    I don't harp on him
    He orders the pizza after work by the time he gets home he's eaten it...so that's not going to work
    I make extra leftovers intentionally because I meal plan and want to make meals that last for me a few days
    I don't buy chips....he does
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 60 Member
    You can't do the work for him. It is up to him. But here are a few supportive things you could do that would help if he does his own weight loss work.

    Don't have junk food and sweets in the house.
    Don't order pizza or take out fast food and have that around him.
    Be sensitive and forego events or outings based around food

    Im not the one that buys the junk food and sweets it's usually him that brings it in and I have to not eat it
    I do not order pizza or buy any fast food he's doing that on his way home from work
  • Lietchi
    Lietchi Posts: 4,043 Member
    VeryKatie wrote: »
    Thinking of ideas... say you order a pizza, freeze half the moment it arrives for later? Then only 3 slices are available for him if you have one. Or order smaller pizzas.

    If you're cooking, only make what will be eaten in that meal, no leftovers.

    Buy small bags of chips, not big... or don't buy them at all... or like me I only let myself buy them at the end of the month because they are my weakness but I also dont want to live without them.

    Show him MFP or research backed studies saying that weight loss is made in the kitchen. Get him cooking with you. Have him take responsibility for his meals and snacks. Have easy and quick, yet calorie conscious and or healthy snacks ready in the fridge, freezer or pantry (prepared ideally by him, but you if you are willing to do it for the rest of your life). Don't make him feel like he isnt allowed his favourite foods... don't harp on him.

    I don't harp on him
    He orders the pizza after work by the time he gets home he's eaten it...so that's not going to work
    I make extra leftovers intentionally because I meal plan and want to make meals that last for me a few days
    I don't buy chips....he does

    You make extra to have leftovers for yourself, but elsewhere you stated "If I cook something I think will leave leftovers there usually isn't any..." He doesn't eat the leftovers intended for you, I hope?
  • heather9986hg
    heather9986hg Posts: 60 Member
    Lietchi wrote: »
    VeryKatie wrote: »
    Thinking of ideas... say you order a pizza, freeze half the moment it arrives for later? Then only 3 slices are available for him if you have one. Or order smaller pizzas.

    If you're cooking, only make what will be eaten in that meal, no leftovers.

    Buy small bags of chips, not big... or don't buy them at all... or like me I only let myself buy them at the end of the month because they are my weakness but I also dont want to live without them.

    Show him MFP or research backed studies saying that weight loss is made in the kitchen. Get him cooking with you. Have him take responsibility for his meals and snacks. Have easy and quick, yet calorie conscious and or healthy snacks ready in the fridge, freezer or pantry (prepared ideally by him, but you if you are willing to do it for the rest of your life). Don't make him feel like he isnt allowed his favourite foods... don't harp on him.

    I don't harp on him
    He orders the pizza after work by the time he gets home he's eaten it...so that's not going to work
    I make extra leftovers intentionally because I meal plan and want to make meals that last for me a few days
    I don't buy chips....he does

    You make extra to have leftovers for yourself, but elsewhere you stated "If I cook something I think will leave leftovers there usually isn't any..." He doesn't eat the leftovers intended for you, I hope?

    The leftovers are for anyone it just makes it easier to leave something to eat for the next few days 🤷‍♀️
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,878 Member
    VeryKatie wrote: »
    Thinking of ideas... say you order a pizza, freeze half the moment it arrives for later? Then only 3 slices are available for him if you have one. Or order smaller pizzas.

    If you're cooking, only make what will be eaten in that meal, no leftovers.

    Buy small bags of chips, not big... or don't buy them at all... or like me I only let myself buy them at the end of the month because they are my weakness but I also dont want to live without them.

    Show him MFP or research backed studies saying that weight loss is made in the kitchen. Get him cooking with you. Have him take responsibility for his meals and snacks. Have easy and quick, yet calorie conscious and or healthy snacks ready in the fridge, freezer or pantry (prepared ideally by him, but you if you are willing to do it for the rest of your life). Don't make him feel like he isnt allowed his favourite foods... don't harp on him.

    I don't harp on him
    He orders the pizza after work by the time he gets home he's eaten it...so that's not going to work
    I make extra leftovers intentionally because I meal plan and want to make meals that last for me a few days
    I don't buy chips....he does

    You seem to be looking for ways to control the amount of food that he eats. He's a grown man. If he wants to buy an entire pizza and eat it while driving home from work, he's going to do that. If that winds up in him consuming more calories than his body is using, he'll continue to gain weight. There is really no spousal hack to get around these basic facts. He has to want to do something about the situation.

    Either he'll begin exercise and realize that he needs to combine it with some form of calorie control to achieve his goals or he'll give up.

    What's HE doing about this besides acting all "crab in a bucket" and attempting to pressure you to gain weight?
  • mjparker625
    mjparker625 Posts: 7 Member
    Heather I’ve been in the same boat with my husband for the last month. When I started bringing healthy foods home and cooking healthy meals he paid attention. I explained to him I want to lose weight. My opinion, just take care of yourself and he will eventually see you trying to be a better you, and join in.
  • Chef_Barbell
    Chef_Barbell Posts: 6,377 Member
    Lietchi wrote: »
    I think this is a sensitive matter, so tread lightly. Saying he eats junk probably isn't going to be helpful :wink:

    I would suggest to him to log his food intake as is (including pizza etc.) and look up how many calories he burns in a day (with and without exercise), just to make him more conscious of the balance that is needed between intake and calories burned. Perhaps that will make him realise that exercising more might not be enough (or it might be, we have no idea) and portion control might be a good idea too.
    And if he doesn't feel satiated after reducing his portions, you might offer suggestions to replace certain less filling foods with more filling foods, if he asks for more help.

    I would really try to avoid being judgmental about his food choices and just try to make him understand that the foods he chooses are calorie dense, so portion control is important. And most importantly, let him take the initiative in finding his road to weight loss. I can't tell you how pissed off I would have been if my boyfriend had tried to tell me what to do to lose weight. (Oh wait, he did try to tell me what to do after I had already lost a number of lbs successfully on my own, I shut that down really quickly :mrgreen: )

    No he asked me for help
    I'm asking how to help
    And I'm not being mean he was the one being mean
    He told me if he can't be the skinny one I've got to gain more weight than he is...I don't think that was very nice
    And he's saying if he was single tomorrow he wouldn't be able to find someone to be with because if his weight
    Sorry that just got on my last nerve
    And I've been in his spot and asked on these forums how to lose weight and yes they will tell you to eat healthier more veggies and less junk 🤷‍♀️

    He sounds needy. If he is already acting like this, it will get worse if you help him and he eventually sees how difficult weight loss actually is.