Advice on ex, please

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24

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  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,231 Member
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    He is an abuser- you are an enabler.

    Time to severe these ties and move on.

    Dump him from FB, delete him from your cell phone, etc. Go find someone who will treat you better.

    He made his bed now let him lie in it (and I should point out that the mother of his child obviously knows this).

    THIS!!!

    Change your number, delete his contact info, and instead of looking for a new partner consider therapy or at least a self help book. Find new activities that YOU enjoy, stop worrying about him & all the drama that comes with him. You don't need that garbage.

    Think about it this way - if you had a child with this guy, what makes you think he would treat you any better than the girl he has a child with now? Seriously, do you want to be with someone who doesn't care about caring for his new child (financially, physically or emotionally)?

    Deep down you already know what the answer to your question is, you just gotta get your big girl panties on and keep it movin'!!!
  • p0pr0cksnc0ke
    p0pr0cksnc0ke Posts: 1,283 Member
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    Would you consider having kids with someone who so easily gave up on their own kid? If thats not a red flag, I dunno what is.
  • GrannyCynth
    GrannyCynth Posts: 34 Member
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    This is advice from a woman who has gone through this for 25 years. Don't ever talk to or see him again. He will poison every part of your life, it is not worth it. You are better than that. If you must, find someone else. But I would suggest counseling and being alone for awhile first.
    Granny Cynth
  • ellekay22
    ellekay22 Posts: 147 Member
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    Read what you posted like it was written by your sister or best friend. What would you tell her to do? Do that.

    FYI friends don't treat friends like crap.
  • Jarvis95
    Jarvis95 Posts: 157 Member
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    this is having a major emotional toll on you!!! that's not going to help you enjoy your life, and especially with your weight loss journey!!!


    have you ever read "It's called a break up because it's broken"?? GREAT advice, great read! it's tough love but written with lots of humour. One of the authors went through a divorce. I would highly recommend!

    http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921968

    easier said than done but it's time to spend all that time and energy on a person who CARES if you are in his life or not.
  • ChantalGG
    ChantalGG Posts: 2,404 Member
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    Would you consider having kids with someone who so easily gave up on their own kid? If thats not a red flag, I dunno what is.

    SO true he will do it to you too.
  • _Johanna_
    _Johanna_ Posts: 125 Member
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    You need a break from him that even moving states away did not give you.

    Give yourself some time - say 6 months with no contact to him, no matter what. Use that time to focus on yourself and your needs. Once that time is over, you can make the decision on whether or not you want him in your life. My guess is, you will be so much happier with out him that the thought of bringing a negative energy and influence back into your life will be laughable.

    Even if you have decided to bring him back into your life, I am hoping that your time without him will give you the self confidence and own reassurance that will demand the respect you deserve from him that you obviously are not getting now.

    Good luck with your decision!
  • ChristineMarie89
    ChristineMarie89 Posts: 1,142 Member
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    I really need some advice. I'm finally desparate. I'll make a long, painful, agonizing story short!

    My ex of 7 years and I separated in 2008 and were working on our marriage living in separate houses. This punk decides to get him a girlfriend. Broke up with her 7 months later to be with me but decided he still didn't want me but we remained friends. I moved from that state back home to my home state and he decided to ask me back again but not before he let me know she was pregnant. Yeah.

    We have remained friends-I didn't move back. He isn't in the babies life cause she doesn't like him so she moved out of state and just doesn't communicate with him. Anyways, he has asked me back everytime I pull away knowing I'm going to say yes then he changes mind 3 days later. This past July I was fed up and we finally divorced.

    Now, he's miserable. His Mom passed away in March, he regrets cheating but would never work things out and regrets that cause it's too late now. He takes his pain and anger out on me knowing I'm going to put up with it. I know I'm nuts but I care for him as a person still.

    I finally told him I'm sick of him treating me like crap then acting like nothing ever happened. I asked him if he even wants to remain friends and be in each others lives as friends. His response "It doesn't matter to me."

    WHAT?! Are you kidding me? That hurts my feelings obviously. I know if I say I want to remain friends he will do it. If I say no I don't want to remain friends he will say ok. So, what do I do? I know what I SHOULD do but the obvious answer hurts my feelings. I want to be in his life cause we've been through so much and we're "friends" I guess. :brokenheart:

    What would you do?
    cut off all communication!!! change ur number. block him on any faceboook etc u have. hes a manipulative jerk and u dont need tht. cut all ties and no matter how desperate u get dont look back. it obviously will only get worse n u dont need tht
  • spicy618
    spicy618 Posts: 2,114 Member
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    Love YOURSELF more. :flowerforyou:
  • ozycat
    ozycat Posts: 72 Member
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    I went back to an ex a couple of times after he cheated on me as I cherished the "friendship" we had and didn't want to give up on all the dreams I'd had about our future. The third time I walked away - it really hurt - but my true friends were there to see me through it and I realised he was no friend of mine and cared for me far less than my real friends.

    From experience, I'd say walk away... Stop letting him pull your strings.

    Hope it works out for you :-)
  • maillemaker
    maillemaker Posts: 1,253 Member
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    This just sounds like endless bad news. You've got someone who is toying with you to keep you coming back, probably because he can't bear to be alone and/or risk you moving on to better things. And to top it off, he has fathered a child with another woman.

    Move on.
  • I_GoT_ThIs
    I_GoT_ThIs Posts: 170 Member
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    Oh girl. I totally understand. I'm will tell you my story, then give my advice. So you can see where I'm coming from. I met my ex-husband( my daughters sperm donor) when I was 17 years old. We got married when I was 19. Divorced when I was 25. First time we split up, it was shortly after I had my daughter, He would dissapear for HOURS AND HOURS at a time, hide in the back of his friends truck so I wouldn't see him, and leave and go out, and i'm pretty sure he cheated on me but never admitted it. Then told me.. Well.. I just don't love you anymore. I just wanna do what I wanna do and I don't wanna have to answer to anybody but myself. So, I moved out, was completely heartbroken (don't know why, he treated me like crap) , so then about four months later, He came begging me to give him another shot. He promised that he would do better and that he couldn't live without me, blah blah. I fell for it. Let him back, and things were great for a couple of months, and them... all went back to normal. He was verbally abusive, would push me into walls, and just treated me like crap! But, I put up with it. So them, we split up again, he went out did his thing, played around, partied all the time, got that out of his system, then tried to come back AGAIN!! And... of coarse.. I LET HIM. the things we do for the ones we "love". so, put up with about another 6 months of his crap then finally kicked his *kitten* to the curb. Everytime we split up he gets his fun in and then try's to play the quilt card on me.. I love you and i can't live without you .. And he says this because he KNOWS it worked on me in the past. Truth is.. I don't think he did. At once.. Yes. We were in love. But we grew up into completely different people. I grew up and he just got older. So, he wan'ted the "comfort" of the relationship in strides. He didn't wanna have to start over. The thing is, If you have more bad times than good.. It's not worth it. Sometimes, you can't just "be friends" there's always that connection, and your always going to wonder "what if?". And if he's treating you like crap.. why let him? do you let your friends treat you like that? I understand we tend to "let" our exes treat us like that and just chalk it up to their feeling being hurt or what not... but you do NOT deserve that!!! Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do, but make sure you get treated how you DESERVE to be treated.
  • SusanRenee35
    SusanRenee35 Posts: 182 Member
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    You need to treat yourself alot better then U have been. How can U even want to be friends with someone who treats you this way?
    Would you want to or continue to be friends with him if he were a girl? prob not.
    I was the same way with my ex while he treated me like pure **** & then realized whether we have kids or not he's a douche & I don't like anything about him so why do I want to be friends? The answer is I dont! I deserve better & wasn't going to allow myself to be treated that way any longer.
    He is clearly keeping you under his wing until something better comes along in his eyes. He is clearly afraid of being alone & whenever other people dont work out he comes running back to his safety net that will always be there...You.
    As the saying goes don't make someone a priority if you are only an option for them. You deserve a man who will love you & spoil you always & not play these immature games. He needs to do some serious growing up & You need to cut all ties & tell him to go work on himself.
    Focus on you & your new life & forget about him :)
    Best of luck!
  • Hoppymom
    Hoppymom Posts: 1,158 Member
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    Please cut him off. If he contacts you again tell him you are done. You cannot be friends with him and that you will no longer accept communication from him. No phone. No facebook friends etc. Tell people he tries to send messages through, "NO." If he calls after that, hang up. He is all about how much power he can take from you. Take that power back and move on. Be strong. Good luck.
  • Hoppymom
    Hoppymom Posts: 1,158 Member
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    Wow. What SusanRenee say is perfect.:flowerforyou:
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
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    Honey, since 2008? Move on. He obviously has or tried to and when he screwed things up yet again, he knew you'd be there.

    3 years have passed and because he has kept you in his drama, you are still in the same predictament as you were when ya'll first seperated. By now, you would had probably been over him and maybe truly happy with someone else who has respect for you.

    Trust me, I know it's easier to say than to do, in my own life, I've been doing ALOT of thinking. It takes time to really figure stuff out. Take this time and figure it out. But you can't do it being dragged down by him and his drama.
  • CorrieV1976
    CorrieV1976 Posts: 320 Member
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    So here is what I think, coming from an all time enabler and a lifetime of an abusive husband and an abusive boyfriend. I was married at 18 divorced at 23 -- 2 years later I found the most abusive boyfriend I could find and stayed with him very un happily and very hurt for 7 long years. I know that it feels good to ask the question to see what people think but lets face it.....nothing people say to you is going to make up your mind. Only you will make that decision, only you and your mind with decide when you have had enough. I am not cutting you up, I've been there, I've had the black eyes, the front window in my house and I had a great break through relationship, I had the clumps of my hair falling out of my head days after a fight......trust me I have been there, and nothing anyone said ever changed my mind. What you need to do and what you are going to do are different things and no matter what anyone on here says or expresses is not going to change that unfortunately. He is no good for you and being friends is harmful to you but you need to come to that conclusion.

    I have finally found someone that cares about me and treats me right but it took a long time to get there and counseling as well. I found a church that provided free counseling and have reinvented myself.

    Good luck to you, just remember you are strong , smart and beautiful and there is someone in this world that will see it and treat you the way you need/deserve to be treated, being put down or fighting with someone every day is not normal and shouldnt be normal or feel normal.

    It saddens me because i was there. Honestly , I will be thinking about you and I hope that you can finally say that you deserve better :)
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Get the creep out of your life.
  • SusanRenee35
    SusanRenee35 Posts: 182 Member
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    And remember: the ocean out there is huge & there are plenty of fish (men) who would love to have a great girl like you to share their life with. You can be so so soooo happy with someone who is serious about life & love & wake up everyday feeling like you are in heaven with the love of your life & soul mate.

    I made the choice to leave almost 2 yrs ago. It was hard but I finally decided life is too short & I deserve better & took the plunge.
    Now I wake up everyday to face the man that makes me happier then I have ever been. He makes everyday feel like christmas & like I am in heaven. You can have that too! Best of luck! YOU CAN DO THIS!

    If you'd like to add me as a friend I'd be more then happy to support you thru this :)
  • chocolateandvodka
    chocolateandvodka Posts: 1,856 Member
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    cutting him off would do wonderful things for your stress level, blood pressure and all around quality of life.

    just sayin.

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