Guys/Girls: What is your real opinion on..
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KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
Without the inclusion of a honest reach-around, the words really don't mean much.
*shrug4 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I don't think it loses meaning as long as the sayer maintains the sentiment in their heart. For example: I tell my husband I love you, or love you, or love ya, etc, each time we part (like if I'm leaving the house, not just a room). I also do this with family and closest friends. It never loses depth of meaning for me because I'm not just saying it to be saying it, I truely mean it for what it is each and every time. I love those people. Overall he doesn't initiate saying I love you as much, but that's ok because I know he's more of a take the trash out and wash the dishes for you says I love you kinda man. The questions that have always stuck in my mind are, What if something happens to that person? What were the last words I spoke to them? That train of thought was reinforced recently. The wife of a couple we know dropped dead of a heart attack in the bathroom while the husband went to close the house up for the night. She was 38. You never know what words will be your last. Be kind to the ones you love and tell them as often as you can. 💜
So much this. And definitely treating people like you don’t know what the future holds. I can rest easy knowing that I’ve genuinely tried to be a decent person with people who I’ve loved. I’m sure there’s ALWAYS ALWAYS more I could have done more and better but to leave things on a bad note is not something I ever want to do. For various reasons. How tragic for your friends.
Side note.....your saying “not when I leave the room” made me imagine someone who DOES say it every time they leave the room😂😂 That would be something to witness.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I dont like sharing the person I'm in love with.4 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I don't think it loses meaning as long as the sayer maintains the sentiment in their heart. For example: I tell my husband I love you, or love you, or love ya, etc, each time we part (like if I'm leaving the house, not just a room). I also do this with family and closest friends. It never loses depth of meaning for me because I'm not just saying it to be saying it, I truely mean it for what it is each and every time. I love those people. Overall he doesn't initiate saying I love you as much, but that's ok because I know he's more of a take the trash out and wash the dishes for you says I love you kinda man. The questions that have always stuck in my mind are, What if something happens to that person? What were the last words I spoke to them? That train of thought was reinforced recently. The wife of a couple we know dropped dead of a heart attack in the bathroom while the husband went to close the house up for the night. She was 38. You never know what words will be your last. Be kind to the ones you love and tell them as often as you can. 💜
I agree wholeheartedly!💝 It’s on my mind a lot lately as well. So, I let my people know I love them and give them a squeeze 🤗whenever I get a chance or just send a text too since we’re not allowed to hang out yet. Later may never come.1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I admit to being interested/titillated by the concept. So I suppose I'm starting off by declaring my hypocrisy when I say no, not for me, and generally unsuccessful by what I've observed - I do have friends who have experimented this way, and each is now divorced. Then again, most marriages are unsuccessful by any real standard, so does it truly matter how the failure comes? I'm not sure. A healthy percentage end in divorce, and many which hang together do so in various states of unhappy. My own is fortunately very good, but it's been a lot of effort, especially in the early years. The latter years have been filled with affection and joy and comfort, the kind that made the early years worth the effort, in hindsight. We are lucky, I am lucky, that we made it this far. My marriage would never have supported playtime with others, no matter how titillating the idea for me and how unburdening it might have been for my SO.
In my life experience, few people can separate sex from affection (or love), and that's one reason why it mostly doesn't work. Humans are largely emotionally driven creatures, hence why so much bad comes from mixing sex with others into what (usually) formed from a monogamous start. Changing the bargain along the way usually means bad outcomes where one partner isn't being heard or respected.
The lost thing in all of this is what becomes of our extra partners? They are often treated as throw aways, like sex toys or therapeutic outlets rather than humans. Or uglier yet, that the sex is payment enough somehow. You can read a bit of the emotional baggage in this thread, and there are many other sources that suggest the hit for these people is pretty bad once the fun is over.
A good percentage of men think this is a way to have their cake and eat it. The rude awakening is that most men aren't all that attractive and would be far better served doting on and working with the mate that they have been fortunate to catch.
My two pence.5 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I admit to being interested/titillated by the concept. So I suppose I'm starting off by declaring my hypocrisy when I say no, not for me, and generally unsuccessful by what I've observed - I do have friends who have experimented this way, and each is now divorced. Then again, most marriages are unsuccessful by any real standard, so does it truly matter how the failure comes? I'm not sure. A healthy percentage end in divorce, and many which hang together do so in various states of unhappy. My own is fortunately very good, but it's been a lot of effort, especially in the early years. The latter years have been filled with affection and joy and comfort, the kind that made the early years worth the effort, in hindsight. We are lucky, I am lucky, that we made it this far. My marriage would never have supported playtime with others, no matter how titillating the idea for me and how unburdening it might have been for my SO.
In my life experience, few people can separate sex from affection (or love), and that's one reason why it mostly doesn't work. Humans are largely emotionally driven creatures, hence why so much bad comes from mixing sex with others into what (usually) formed from a monogamous start. Changing the bargain along the way usually means bad outcomes where one partner isn't being heard or respected.
The lost thing in all of this is what becomes of our extra partners? They are often treated as throw aways, like sex toys or therapeutic outlets rather than humans. Or uglier yet, that the sex is payment enough somehow. You can read a bit of the emotional baggage in this thread, and there are many other sources that suggest the hit for these people is pretty bad once the fun is over.
A good percentage of men think this is a way to have their cake and eat it. The rude awakening is that most men aren't all that attractive and would be far better served doting on and working with the mate that they have been fortunate to catch.
My two pence.
I have seen this be a difficulty.1 -
Meh. Idk what I want at this point in time. I actually brought up this open relationship subject in my own relationship days before it was brought up here. We’ve talked about it a few times actually. She’s not into it. I didn’t like being a third back in the day either and why would I do that to someone else? In theory everyone’s needs would be met. That’s in monogamy and non. Doesn’t seem to pan out in either scenario.
The quest for the ‘one true love’ seems out of reach. The quest for the perfect combo of well adjusted partners also seems unlikely. 😑 Idk I’m jaded obviously. Sometimes I wish we humans didn’t need others like we do. I’m tired of the mess.
3 -
Which leads to the distinction between open and poly.
I would struggle with being in a poly relationship. The thought of the person I love having similar romantic/emotional feelings for someone else feels like a bigger threat to me than physical interaction.2 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.3 -
Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I'm not scared of these words or to say them honestly...
My boy actually went through this phase a few months back where he wouldn't say it to his mother or me... I think he might of got the impression that it was a girly thing to say 😂... Idk where he got that idea 😂...
I ended that pretty quickly by telling him that I wanted him to be the type of man that says I love you to everyone with no fear... He now says it regularly...
But I have several friends I say this to regularly...
I get some people may make it awkward... But I don't have time to care about all that anymore...
I ❤ you 😄0 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
I admit to being interested/titillated by the concept. So I suppose I'm starting off by declaring my hypocrisy when I say no, not for me, and generally unsuccessful by what I've observed - I do have friends who have experimented this way, and each is now divorced. Then again, most marriages are unsuccessful by any real standard, so does it truly matter how the failure comes? I'm not sure. A healthy percentage end in divorce, and many which hang together do so in various states of unhappy. My own is fortunately very good, but it's been a lot of effort, especially in the early years. The latter years have been filled with affection and joy and comfort, the kind that made the early years worth the effort, in hindsight. We are lucky, I am lucky, that we made it this far. My marriage would never have supported playtime with others, no matter how titillating the idea for me and how unburdening it might have been for my SO.
In my life experience, few people can separate sex from affection (or love), and that's one reason why it mostly doesn't work. Humans are largely emotionally driven creatures, hence why so much bad comes from mixing sex with others into what (usually) formed from a monogamous start. Changing the bargain along the way usually means bad outcomes where one partner isn't being heard or respected.
The lost thing in all of this is what becomes of our extra partners? They are often treated as throw aways, like sex toys or therapeutic outlets rather than humans. Or uglier yet, that the sex is payment enough somehow. You can read a bit of the emotional baggage in this thread, and there are many other sources that suggest the hit for these people is pretty bad once the fun is over.
A good percentage of men think this is a way to have their cake and eat it. The rude awakening is that most men aren't all that attractive and would be far better served doting on and working with the mate that they have been fortunate to catch.
My two pence.
Deserves quoting again 👍0 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.
I think this is key for so many different things, not just relationships. People need to find out their core wants and needs. It’s hard in a world that is telling us what we need and how we should be. Definitely important when it comes to relationships though. Something I realized about myself is I’m a searcher. I’m curious by nature (enneagram 5 for those who care, probably 5w4) and so to have to deal with this and reflect on my personality and consider my actions in context of this.
In a hypothetical situation if someone has a desire for ownership, where’s that coming from? A desire for safety? Fear of abandonment? Definitely important to know yourself in and out of relationships.( And again, communicate! Informed and ongoing enthusiastic consent! )1 -
slimgirljo15 wrote: »Mr_Healthy_Habits wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
I'm not scared of these words or to say them honestly...
My boy actually went through this phase a few months back where he wouldn't say it to his mother or me... I think he might of got the impression that it was a girly thing to say 😂... Idk where he got that idea 😂...
I ended that pretty quickly by telling him that I wanted him to be the type of man that says I love you to everyone with no fear... He now says it regularly...
But I have several friends I say this to regularly...
I get some people may make it awkward... But I don't have time to care about all that anymore...
I ❤ you 😄
1 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Guys/girls: Opinion on usage of the words "I love you" in a relationship. How often is too often to say it? When does it lose meaning for you? Are you bothered by having a partner who says it more often/less often that you say it or feel it? Does its usage in a relationship ever annoy you?
The following is only my take on it which is only right for me.
It took me a very, very long time to say those words to my now wife. Now I say them "all the time". When we part ways, whether it be for the day or to run an errand, we almost always exchange a kiss (often just a peck) and I say I love you.
I never want her to have to assume that I love her. I want to continually try to show her though my actions (which include my words). I've seen too many unexpected things happen to people to not let her know how I feel. I would always would want my last interaction with her to be of me expressing how I feel about her. (very much like LanaeJ's post I think).
The only time I haven't appreciated those words was when their was a but after them....imho I love you shouldn't be the cushion/softener before the critique. The words really felt hollow in those circumstances.4 -
Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough.
But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.1 -
Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough. But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.
See? You get me. My partner doesn't have to say "I love you" every day. I would still know by the actions he takes. Waking up and dishes having been done without me having to remind him.. or waking up to the smell of biscuits or some other thing he took time to make when he didn't have to. That tells me what I need to know. He still says those words to me a lot more often than I do to him, but he knows that when I say them, I genuinely mean it. I am not a very touchy person (and he knows that, too). He often jokes that I am a lot like a cat; I want pets, but on my time and at my own pace.
And I know he doesn't mean it as an insult. However, I totally understand people who do need to hear it more often or would want to. I just accept I am not one of those people. I think it's a love language thing? Anyone remember that dumb book? Not everyone expresses their love or desire in the same way, but if two (or more) people are in a relationship, they have to communicate and/or figure out what the love language of both themselves and their partner(s) are.0 -
KosmosKitten wrote: »Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough. But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.
See? You get me. My partner doesn't have to say "I love you" every day. I would still know by the actions he takes. Waking up and dishes having been done without me having to remind him.. or waking up to the smell of biscuits or some other thing he took time to make when he didn't have to. That tells me what I need to know. He still says those words to me a lot more often than I do to him, but he knows that when I say them, I genuinely mean it. I am not a very touchy person (and he knows that, too). He often jokes that I am a lot like a cat; I want pets, but on my time and at my own pace.
And I know he doesn't mean it as an insult. However, I totally understand people who do need to hear it more often or would want to. I just accept I am not one of those people. I think it's a love language thing? Anyone remember that dumb book? Not everyone expresses their love or desire in the same way, but if two (or more) people are in a relationship, they have to communicate and/or figure out what the love language of both themselves and their partner(s) are.
I remember that book😂. It had a lot of truths to it. Im also more of a shower and prefer someone to show then just say.1 -
PlentyofProtein00 wrote: »KosmosKitten wrote: »Non-monogamous relationships? Meh, too old for that stuff. One is enough. But if it works for the people involved, then do what you can live with. Trouble is, I wonder if the same things people can live with in their honeymoon phases are the same things they can live with long-term? Does hurt and jealousy come into play later and what happens when it does? What about if children are involved; are you one big happy family or are the children royally confused and subject to bullies?
And saying I love you on repeat? I want it to mean something. I'd like to hear it more often and know I should say it more often but I also don't want it said just because. KWIM? The fact that I start his car every a.m. in the winter tells him I love him. The fact he ran to the store for B&J's the other night for me tells me he loves me. It's all those little things that pile up and tell me we still care about each other. Even at 67 and being married 41 years, there are still things between us that are hard to say, hard to decipher, and hard to understand. But we're trudging forward the best we can.
See? You get me. My partner doesn't have to say "I love you" every day. I would still know by the actions he takes. Waking up and dishes having been done without me having to remind him.. or waking up to the smell of biscuits or some other thing he took time to make when he didn't have to. That tells me what I need to know. He still says those words to me a lot more often than I do to him, but he knows that when I say them, I genuinely mean it. I am not a very touchy person (and he knows that, too). He often jokes that I am a lot like a cat; I want pets, but on my time and at my own pace.
And I know he doesn't mean it as an insult. However, I totally understand people who do need to hear it more often or would want to. I just accept I am not one of those people. I think it's a love language thing? Anyone remember that dumb book? Not everyone expresses their love or desire in the same way, but if two (or more) people are in a relationship, they have to communicate and/or figure out what the love language of both themselves and their partner(s) are.
I remember that book😂. It had a lot of truths to it. Im also more of a shower and prefer someone to show then just say.
It did. I just hated how it was written. The writing style came across as condescending. BUT, I was much younger when that book was given to me as a newlywed. And I did actually read the entire thing.
The way to my heart is a great tasting meal I didn't have to cook. Bonus points if you cooked it yourself. Or a bottle of wine/bourbon. Won't ever turn those down. 1 -
The thing that I find interesting about all this is more along the lines of what we need from our relationships.
Is it that love and companionship and whatever else you want to say makes up a "traditional" relationship, or is it also some degree of ownership/possession of that other person? Those of you who say you can't/won't share -- why not? Is there something about a relationship that can only be given if it's a 1:1 relationship.
I love the concept of this... but I suck at pretty much all types of relationships, so it's something I'm interested in only conceptually.
Because of STDs.
Why would I want someone kissing on and dipping in other things then coming home to me. 🤮
And you can ( well I can) “feel” when someone is physically someone else’s. Like the way they kiss.
Like one of my first boyfriends used to cheat on me and then he would come back to me and his sexual vibe was all different like he was set up for her then had to adjust back to me- it’s just a weird vibe. I can’t explain it1 -
Kashmir_314_ wrote: »Ladies and gentlemen -
A coworker was recently blindsided by this and I'd love to know people's thoughts. Maybe even personal experiences.
Open marriages?
My answer? There's the door.
Read all the responses and was hoping for some follow up 'cuz I'm still really hung up on the "blindsided" part. Like, stuck @Kashmir_314_
Was this iteration not discussed during their courtship?
The lack of genuine communication that takes place in relationships that are meant to be deep and sustaining is worrying.0
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