Parent shaming?

It's blowback from years and years and years of society valuing people who choose to have children over people who don't. Despite what you may see on TikTok, in the real world, people who choose not to have children are still looked down upon. Like there is something wrong with that choice.

Rest assured that outside of social media, society still looks highly upon the choice to be a parent.

KosmosKitten wrote: »

Despite having already had one child, he made me sign paper work stating that I couldn't sue him over my choice (buyer's remorse) and tried to guilt me into not having the procedure done because *he* liked kids.

So I'd say it still very much goes both ways. There's a lot of societal pressure to have children... and a lot of societal pressure judging people for having children. It entirely depends on who your social circles are.

It used to be that you couldn't even get a tubal unless your husband signed that it was ok. It’s disgusting that women still have to "prove" and/or "sign" to get something as basic as a tubal.

I had my daughter at 19 outside of wedlock. I was judged because I was young and unmarried. I chose not to have more children until my 30's. I was judged because I waited so long for a second. I had fertility issues; judged for that too, because somehow that was my fault for 1) waiting too long 2) waiting till my 30's. I did IF treatments for years; judgement because somehow that equates to me now playing God. Suffered a handful of losses; judgement because obviously I did something wrong to cause my body to miscarry. Decided not to have any more treatments or children as I was quickly approaching my 40's; this became the nastiest of all judgements because apparently you can get fertility treatments have children well into your 40's and even 50's now.

To have children or not is an incredibly personal decision and absolutely no one's business. A woman's worth is not determined by her ability/inability to have children or how many children she does/doesn't have.

I have a lot of kids and am in my early 30s. This is not the norm in my age group. I have had people say incredibly shocking things about me thinking I couldn't hear them (or wouldn't see it, on social media), and even say things to my face. Generally speaking, there is something "off" about these individuals. It's hurtful, and I wish these people had more manners regardless of what they privately think, but the fact that they say these things says more about them than about me.

There is a rather vocal "antinatalist" faction of people, and I think they tend to be Very Online, but I also don't think their numbers are exceptionally large - they're just loud. When people ask me what having a big family is like I am honest about it, and for those who are just unsure about having children or having more children I do like to be encouraging, but that's just for people who ask. I wouldn't dream of offering unsolicited advice to a stranger or acquaintance who didn't ask. I have no idea what they're going through.

I have no idea regarding anything social media, this website is about it and I'm not even sure it counts. But I suppose I witness and in ways may even have participated it (unknowingly or it could easily be misconstrued to be such). This is a personal story... AaaaHemmm.

When I met my ex, her daughter and son were 7 and 8.5 respectively... The son still lives with me now 24 years of age (he has some learning issues and is on odsp)... Anyway I still consider them my kids. Okay cut to the story... My daughter had numerous issues, cutting, drugs probably tied to various child hood truama's experienced before me, like absentee father, who attempted murder on my fiance, sexual abuse from one her mom's past boyfriend. Not to mention her mother who had a alcoholic and physically abusive father, which led to her mom having a horrible issues dealing with any kind of stress, and often resorted to crazy off the wall screaming tantrums.

So at a relatively early age... My daughter started cutting, attempted suicide on snapchat or facebook with pills when a boy friend broke up with her. Quit school in grade 10 but not before disappearing and moving into a shelter for homeless teenagers. Needless to say they kicked her out of the shelter, when she wouldn't keep her curfue.. So she then did a couple years of couch surfing, the whole time she was welcome to move back in, no abuse in our house. But she was determined to live life on her terms. I warned her, about what could happen along the way, and it all pretty much happened including getting mesed up and gang rapped, which I went to the hospital with her, and the police station to help her explain everything that happened. etc etc etc. (man this is sounding pretty terrible).

Eventually she found a steady boyfriend... and between the two of them proceeded to rip off every land lord that ever rented to them.... leaving them in the holes for multiple thousands each. She had her first kid by 17, in a completely destroyed apartment, with dirty clothes and dirty face usually smelling of poo and pee. Soon after came a second child, neither of them were ever picked up to be fed. always left in front of TV, a blanket piled up on them to make a bottle holder as she stuck it there mouth. One time we caught her in the act and the poor baby was red hot with heat rashes and drenched in sweat. We explained the importance of holding your child and making connections with them, and never to leave them by themselves all day. But her phone and what was happening on it was the only thing that mattered.

So... At some point they got into the city housing program... but it was only about 6 months till they were booted from there and received a bill for 5000 dollars in Legal fees, rent and damages to the unit.. Coupled with many other similar bills of which 1 I have seen in addition the city one. Knowing she was on her last chance before hitting the street, I welcomed her and her kids back, with a plan to get pay of her city housing debt so she could get back in.. I even got the Government of canada to start paying her child bonuses cause apparently her boyfriend threatened her to turn it all over to him.. Saw her doctor, got letters etc etc...

About 1 month in my fiancé got back from a weekend get away... And when I approached my daughter about the very minimal rent. She had spent the entire amount supposedly at the midway with a new boyfriend. She couldn't even pay her share of the groceries (again very minimal). i asked her to leave. Since then she's lost custody of both kids, then gained one back and is currently almost due with her third child and living somewhere in southern ontario.

The whole point of this long winded lament... She had an enormous circle of friends, many of the which treated land lords the exact same way. And saddl,y many of which spend there entire "Child bonus" which works out to 700 dollars per month per kid on drugs, designer clothes and anything but the children.

So from one point of view people that do that may deserve some degree of "Shaming"... But from the other point of view and the one I truly believe. We as in all of us are 100% a product of the universe and the inexplicable entanglement that ties all things together. From the view point of infinite Time and space, we are exactly what we are at all times for reason of Everything else. Yet at the same time, I know that learning right from wrong and making a change in ones life can also change ones life, but that is still part of the infinite everything.

Anyway... It's complicated.

Yes, rudeness abounds. Everywhere. It's disheartening and at times, downright scary. It creates separation of people by trying to control what others think, feel and want. It's definitely okay to have an opinion; everybody should have some of those. But there are right ways and wrong ways to have one. Be thoughtful about it.

My brother, often writes letters to the local newspaper. He is very(VERY) politically and religiously opinionated who refuses to listen to anyone else. DH says he has the right to his opinion and I agree. But his letters are so filled with bitterness and hatred. DH has never read them; I've read them all. He's been called on his attitude so many times. As I said, there's a right way and a wrong way. I know it's vastly different than having children but it still falls under opinions, keeping it compassionate and kind, open-minded.

We have 3 adult children; children are something I always wanted in my life. Every single one of them do NOT want children of their own. I respect that decision. Though I'll most likely never be a grandmother, that's okay with me. I should not be a factor in any of their child bearing decisions.