Mention it or don’t? How should I phrase it?
Replies
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By all means give her the compliment!!
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Maybe compliment her effort not her body, for example by asking her advice on what's she doing that is working so well for her?5
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I lost a lot of weight and got obviously fitter. I got a lot of comments about it (eventually) from both sexes and a huge range of ages. Varying from "You look great" to "Hope you don't mind me saying, but you've lost a lot of weight. How did you do it?" to "Can you do that pull up yet?". Some comments from people I had spoken to in passing, some from people I had never spoken to before. I was happy with every comment.9
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I'd appreciate a compliment especially since she knows you from the gym. If it were from somewhere else I wouldn't be offended either, but if it were me giving the compliment I might just say she is looking great and leave it at that without mentioning workouts, etc.(I live in the Southern US
) 5 -
Onedaywriter wrote: »Also, I saw on another thread about how some women felt nobody noticed some large weight losses. Maybe folks did, but like me decided it’s best to just mention it.
This was possibly me. It is the people close to use that we want to hear reassurance from, though personally I wouldn't say no to an acquaintance.
In a gym setting, I would generally go with a complement about their progress in exercise, such as their lifting increase, running speed or duration etc. Show that you are noticing the work involved.
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John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.4 -
John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.11 -
ExistingFish wrote: »"Wow, you look amazing!", shouldn't be viewed as anything other than complimentary. There's a good chance you'll make someone's day brighter. Sadly, I let most of these opportunities go by.
I agree. I don't know how "You look great!" said with a friendly smile could be taken as offensive, I really don't. I mean, I could see how it could be said inappropriately, but most adults know the difference - you can have a genuine smile and eye contact and it's a compliment, you can do the lingering eye sweep and it's creepy...
I wouldn't make any presumptions about how healthy/unhealthy they are, or how much work they have put in - you don't really have those facts. All you know is they look great today, and that should be fine.
I really don't want to hear what the people I'm sharing gym space with think of my body. I wouldn't be offended, but it wouldn't be welcome. A comment on performance might be welcome (depending on context). On how I LOOK? No, that's not something I'd ever want.
That isn't to say that the woman OP is referencing would feel the same way, it's just that humans vary.10 -
You can always go for a non beauty related compliment, like tell them they're looking really strong. I would be really pleased if someone complimented how much weight I was deadlifting or something.
"Hi so and so, it's been forever! I couldn't help notice you're lifting some really impressive weight, that's awesome! How have you been?"6 -
John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation9 -
TealTrinket wrote: »You can always go for a non beauty related compliment, like tell them they're looking really strong. I would be really pleased if someone complimented how much weight I was deadlifting or something.
"Hi so and so, it's been forever! I couldn't help notice you're lifting some really impressive weight, that's awesome! How have you been?"
I like this! It's about ability, not looks. And acknowledged them as a person.1 -
John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
For what it's worth. Some people are just friendly. I'm a straight man, I was running and another man passed me like I was standing still. I yelled "holy *kitten* you're fast!" Sometimes you're just impressed that someone is doing something well that you know is difficult, and it has nothing to do with sex.
Anyway, some people have the experience of saying something positive with no ulterior motive and unwittingly offending the person. Sometimes the person who was genuinely being nice finds this experience confusing, and possibly frustrating. It can feel like the saying no good deed goes unpunished.
I'm not saying you're wrong to not like being interrupted throughout your day because someone wants to tell you they like the way you look. Bringing another person's looks up if you aren't sure they want to hear it is pretty obviously a bad idea.8 -
John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
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*deleted*2
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John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.7 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?9 -
Start with "Hello! Long time no see! How are you doing?" and then if they seem to respond positively, you can later in the conversation add "wow, you look really fit and fantastic!" If you're maintaning adequate personal distance and looking at her eyes (not chest lol) while saying this, it should be fine. A negative reaction at that point would make me think that person is having some kind of issues not related to you, and I would back off as u can't exactly fix it for them.6
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janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.10 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
I’m from the camp of I’m a woman and have received plenty of unsolicited compliments, comments, statements, etc throughout my life. I really do try to take that stance- dealing with individuals individually. I’m also someone who is pretty hard to offend. I try to take note of the individual’s intention behind their comment. I feel like I have a pretty good creeper gauge- if the person seems like a creep, I make it known their comment is unwelcome. If the person seems like they are genuinely being nice, don’t linger, or continue the comments or conversation, then I’ll politely say thank you and move on. If the OP was a creep, he’d a made his comment on the spot. He’s obviously trying to be nice and applaud someone’s hard work as he cared enough to come on here and ask to make sure he wouldn’t come off as offensive.
I however don’t take the stance that all women should handle this situation the same. Women are entitled to feel offended by someone’s comment, even if the commenter had the best of intentions. As you said communication is a 2 way street, with that perception is reality. If a woman perceives the comment as unsolicited and offensive, then that’s her reality and she can react accordingly. This is also why my recommendation on the 1st page was for the OP to use a statement like haven’t seen you in awhile and it looks like you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work and have great results to show for it. It puts the focus on “hard work” and “results” opposed to a simple “you look great” puts to focus on “looks.” I know plenty of women that would gladly take a compliment, but feel objectified by the compliment being focused around their bodies.7 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.7 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
I’m from the camp of I’m a woman and have received plenty of unsolicited compliments, comments, statements, etc throughout my life. I really do try to take that stance- dealing with individuals individually. I’m also someone who is pretty hard to offend. I try to take note of the individual’s intention behind their comment. I feel like I have a pretty good creeper gauge- if the person seems like a creep, I make it known their comment is unwelcome. If the person seems like they are genuinely being nice, don’t linger, or continue the comments or conversation, then I’ll politely say thank you and move on. If the OP was a creep, he’d a made his comment on the spot. He’s obviously trying to be nice and applaud someone’s hard work as he cared enough to come on here and ask to make sure he wouldn’t come off as offensive.
I however don’t take the stance that all women should handle this situation the same. Women are entitled to feel offended by someone’s comment, even if the commenter had the best of intentions. As you said communication is a 2 way street, with that perception is reality. If a woman perceives the comment as unsolicited and offensive, then that’s her reality and she can react accordingly. This is also why my recommendation on the 1st page was for the OP to use a statement like haven’t seen you in awhile and it looks like you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work and have great results to show for it. It puts the focus on “hard work” and “results” opposed to a simple “you look great” puts to focus on “looks.” I know plenty of women that would gladly take a compliment, but feel objectified by the compliment being focused around their bodies.
Not sure where my own bias ends on this, so feel free to stone me if necessary...
Isn't *part* of the reason we're at the gym and watching what we eat and all the rest to improve our appearance? I absolutely realize that how much of it is about appearance can vary greatly person to person, but I also think it's the very small minority of people who don't care about physical changes in the slightest.
I also thing there's a big difference between a comment like, "Hey, you look great" and "wow, that's a great *kitten* (butt)"5 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
That's not what imposing something on someone means.
So if a woman is working out at the gym and a "regular" comes over and makes a comment about her appearance she is "imposing" on them unless she smiles and says thank you? I mean think about that. Think about having to live your life that way and then maybe you will understand why we get offended.6 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
That's not what imposing something on someone means.
But..
Would "projecting" have been a better word?3 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
Then you won't mind if you get your head bitten off? Or would that trigger you into some other inappropriate comment?
Because I've tried telling men to back off and it escalates.
Do you really think your opinion is so important that you have to blurt it out? It gets so old to hear it day after day, year after year.
It's not original, it's more like an annoying gnat.
8 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
That's not what imposing something on someone means.
But..
Would "projecting" have been a better word?
Yes2 -
cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
Then you won't mind if you get your head bitten off? Or would that trigger you into some other inappropriate comment?
Because I've tried telling men to back off and it escalates.
Do you really think your opinion is so important that you have to blurt it out? It gets so old to hear it day after day, year after year.
It's not original, it's more like an annoying gnat.
What was the nature of the comment... the one that caused you to tell someone to back off that caused them to escalate? Maybe I'm not appreciating the scope/nature of comments women are receiving (??)
5 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
Have you ever been in an interaction that went from normal to creepy or even threatening really quickly? That's the balance that many women are pondering when guys make comments like this. I'm not trying to justify bad behavior, I'm just pointing out that lots of women have experience with seemingly routine interactions going south really quickly (and I'm sure there are men who have this experience as well).
Everyone should be considerate. For men who want to compliment people they don't know well, I think consideration includes understanding why a woman might have a negative response to a compliment. That's all I'm saying. It's not that women are randomly deciding that this specific dude wants in their pants . . . it's that lots of experiences with men trying to get in our pants (or do something else unwanted) begins with a seemingly innocent statement.5 -
janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
Women (and to be fair, some other people too) don't have the luxury of navigating the world as if we just arrived here. We have to take past experiences and the experiences of other people into account just to be safe. If a stranger offers me a ride, I'm going to say no. He may be a perfectly wonderful guy, but I have to take the long view.9 -
cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
Then you won't mind if you get your head bitten off? Or would that trigger you into some other inappropriate comment?
Because I've tried telling men to back off and it escalates.
Do you really think your opinion is so important that you have to blurt it out? It gets so old to hear it day after day, year after year.
It's not original, it's more like an annoying gnat.
What was the nature of the comment... the one that caused you to tell someone to back off that caused them to escalate? Maybe I'm not appreciating the scope/nature of comments women are receiving (??)
Oh, it's happened more than once.
Why do you think we care if you think we look a certain way, and what do you think you're contributing to the world by imposing your opinion?3 -
cmriverside wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »John772016 wrote: »John772016 wrote: »When I lost 110lbs I got lots of comments; they started around 55lbs. I took all of them as positive. All.
We're they? No idea. They were to me.
We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human.
I agree with @jjpptt2 , your intention is important and you cannot control their choices. You decided not to say anything and that's fine.
I know when I eventually get back into the gym, I hope some regulars acknowledge my hard work while being locked out.
Try being a woman who is just working out and getting unsolicited comments. All. The. Time.
And no, it's not nice, the words may be nice but the intent and tone is not. So I agree with others, a man commenting on my progress would probably be unwelcome, and probably downright creepy. We don't want or need to hear the opinion of a random person at the gym. Ask why you feel the need to compliment.
That said, the OP seems to have a previous relationship with her, so then I'd say it would be fine.
Except the OP wasn't describing your situation, and I wasn't commenting on your situation but the one he described.
My own comment was I hoped 'the regulars' acknowledge my efforts, not random strangers.
Nothing I said deserved your rebuke.
Fair call.
The bit I took as feeling off in your comment was "We're so wired sometimes to be offended that we can forget that most people are trying to be nice. Awkward, sure, we're human." and that feels so dismissive to me. Whenever a woman says that a man's comments make us uncomfortable, we get hit with the "I'm just trying to be friendly/nice" response, so your comment about being wired to be offended hit a nerve.
The conversation is around whether someone should say something to another person about their appearance. And saying that people are wired to be offended is so dismissive to how people feel about unsolicited comments is appropriate to that conversation
*peeks in*
Even tho no one asked, I'm with John772016 on this.
Someone on a tumblr page I frequent was literally offended because a guy said she had good taste in music. She couldn't take the compliment and THEN see if the guy turned creepy? No, she had to be offended because she didn't need her taste in music validated.
It's too much. Have some faith not everyone wants in your pants.
The thing to get is that when a guy tells a woman she's looking great or deems her taste in music good, it's the first time he's saying it to her but it may be something she's dealt with dozens of times. Sometimes a guy will have the greatest intentions, but the overall dynamic of guys deciding they will declare who looks great, has good taste, is great at whatever. . . it can be tiring over the course of a lifetime.
Every guy who wants to validate strangers should understand this overall situation so they can at least understand when it goes sideways.
I'll stipulate to that, but shouldn't the woman also be aware that she's imposing her past experience on the current situation, potentially unfairly/inappropriately?
My only point in asking this is that, IMO, communication is a 2-way street. Just like the person speaking needs to be thoughtful and considerate about how they can be interpreted, the person listening needs to be thoughtful and considerate about what might be meant. BOTH parties have to be aware of their own tendencies/biases, no?
No because she is not imposing anything on anyone - she is at the gym minding her own business and reacting to someone imposing something (potentially unwanted) on her.
I haven't been to the gym in years but I am firmly in the "don't comment" camp. When I used to go (as an average looking woman in my 40's) I was sick to death of "regulars" commenting on my workout, my results, how much I sweat etc etc etc. I don't know where any guy gets the idea that women at they gym give a *kitten* about their opinion. I hated it.
She absolutely is. She's hearing a comment and reacting to it based on her PAST experiences, rather than reacting based on THIS experience.
Then you won't mind if you get your head bitten off? Or would that trigger you into some other inappropriate comment?
Because I've tried telling men to back off and it escalates.
Do you really think your opinion is so important that you have to blurt it out? It gets so old to hear it day after day, year after year.
It's not original, it's more like an annoying gnat.
What was the nature of the comment... the one that caused you to tell someone to back off that caused them to escalate? Maybe I'm not appreciating the scope/nature of comments women are receiving (??)
Just look at what you wrote. A woman not accepting a compliment in a way you deem she should was framed as imposing something on the guy. It's that attitude that we should accept and be grateful for the comments that causes guys to get butt hurt and lash out when you don't.
If the woman in the scenario reacts negatively she is either imposing or projecting her past on the guy. If she says nothing and turns and walks away she is a *kitten*. The only acceptable response is to smile and say thank you - AS IF YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK - even though you don't.8
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