Where's the line between pushing yourself a little harder and accepting yourself for where you are?
Jambalady
Posts: 155 Member
I've really been struggling with this lately. I'm 46 years old and since the pandemic my weight has slowly started to continue to creep up. I'm "happiest" at around 110 but I haven't seen that for ages and starting the pandemic I was probably 115. I'm now 122. And at only 4'11", every pound sends me into a spiral of despair. But the odd thing is that I feel good. I feel healthy and strong. I work out 5-6 days a week and really enjoy it. I've been building my strength and am more confident in exercising by myself. I can now do 20 push-ups in row. 10 chin ups. I am physically happy with my strength gains. I eat pretty well. But I like to eat and I like to eat a lot so I will splurge when I have a nice meal or treat in front of me. but that's 20% of time, offsetting the 80% where I eat well. And the truth is, I know I'm probably in better shape than most women my age. But I keep longing for the days when I was skinny and had a bikini body. I want to get to the point where I can just accept that I feel good and I'm healthy and fit but societal standards get into my head and I'm constantly competing to "look" the best I can and for some reason that equates thin. Not sure where I am going with this post other than this morning was a tough morning on the scale and I'm feeling down again. How have other's learned to be happy and accept that they don't have to achieve a "perfect body"? I know it logically, but mentally I get really down on myself. sorry for the long vent.
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Replies
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While I'm not about being thinner, getting tauter is something that is seemingly elusive for me (at least without getting radically invasive surgery... everywhere 🙅🏿♀️)
In sum, I get where you are coming from.
To find the answer for you, it's about asking the right questions...for you. For example, while there's any number of avenues you can take to reach your goal, are they healthy and, ultimately, will you feel better than you do now?4 -
I know that no-one has a perfect body, and even if they think they do I might disagree. Who's to say what's perfect? My vision might be different to yours. All those pictures you see online and in the magazines are altered, no-one looks like that. And that's aside from 2 hours of professional hair and make up before they even get in front of the camera. I'm not going to compare myself to something that isn't real.
Many years ago I was having a weight related meltdown and my husband prodded my *kitten* and said 'I don't love what's here, I love what's here' and prodded my head. I am much more concerned with what my body can do. It works all the time, even when I don't look after it very well. Even if I do lose another few stone it's not going to erase the last 20 years, I won't look the same. And that's fine, I don't feel the same either.
I changed the parameters for success, I don't want to be skinny. I want to be stronger, run faster, not feel stiff, feel better, be able to go and do fun stuff, live longer. Those things I control and social norms can get lost
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littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I know that no-one has a perfect body, and even if they think they do I might disagree. Who's to say what's perfect? My vision might be different to yours. All those pictures you see online and in the magazines are altered, no-one looks like that. And that's aside from 2 hours of professional hair and make up before they even get in front of the camera. I'm not going to compare myself to something that isn't real.
Many years ago I was having a weight related meltdown and my husband prodded my *kitten* and said 'I don't love what's here, I love what's here' and prodded my head. I am much more concerned with what my body can do. It works all the time, even when I don't look after it very well. Even if I do lose another few stone it's not going to erase the last 20 years, I won't look the same. And that's fine, I don't feel the same either.
I changed the parameters for success, I don't want to be skinny. I want to be stronger, run faster, not feel stiff, feel better, be able to go and do fun stuff, live longer. Those things I control and social norms can get lost
That's the place I'm trying to get to mentally. I know that 46 year old me is way stronger, faster, athletic and healthier than 26 year old me and most of the time I'm fine but more often than I'd like I'm beating myself up to be skinnier. but when I start to diet I'm miserable. Part of it is my gym closing down. When I went to the gym I had my gym buddies and we all were our biggest supporters and motivators and cheered each other on. I've had to work out at home since the pandemic and then my gym closed for good so I don't have that same support system and have been unable to find a replacement. When I was surrounding myself with people who wanted to get stronger and fitter, I was happier bc those were my goals. Now, for some reason, by myself, I'm still meeting my goals but don't have the cheerleaders so find myself too focused on appearance.3 -
I love the gym and the gym environment, so I can relate somewhat. I tend to neglect lifting regularly sometimes but once I hit the gym and see all the other peeps hitting the weights, it's re-energizing.
For now, can you find You Tube videos for weight and/or cardio workouts? There are LOTS of super strong, fit women to watch and follow. Sorry, I don't have specific names but other posters have named people they follow so maybe someone else can contribute.0 -
Now that I'm in my mid-40's with a family, my focus has shifted away from how I look towards how I feel. As in, pain prevention is a big thing for me now, lol. Over years of trial and error, I've determined my current weight gives me a good balance between performance in the gym, lack of pain in my joints, and just a little bit of mirror vanity (I don't think that ever truly goes away 100%).3
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That's the place I'm trying to get to mentally. I know that 46 year old me is way stronger, faster, athletic and healthier than 26 year old me and most of the time I'm fine but more often than I'd like I'm beating myself up to be skinnier. but when I start to diet I'm miserable. Part of it is my gym closing down. When I went to the gym I had my gym buddies and we all were our biggest supporters and motivators and cheered each other on. I've had to work out at home since the pandemic and then my gym closed for good so I don't have that same support system and have been unable to find a replacement. When I was surrounding myself with people who wanted to get stronger and fitter, I was happier bc those were my goals. Now, for some reason, by myself, I'm still meeting my goals but don't have the cheerleaders so find myself too focused on appearance.
Can you contact some of the folks you worked out with at your old gym and see if they have found a new place? or maybe several of you can get together once a week to lift at someone's house? that may bring back some of the feel good you were receiving at the gym?
I agree, a support network, even cheerleaders, make a huge difference!! I haven't worked out consistently since I moved away to a place that has no gym.
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azalea4175 wrote: »
Can you contact some of the folks you worked out with at your old gym and see if they have found a new place? or maybe several of you can get together once a week to lift at someone's house? that may bring back some of the feel good you were receiving at the gym?
I agree, a support network, even cheerleaders, make a huge difference!! I haven't worked out consistently since I moved away to a place that has no gym.
I have tried to follow my old instructors and gym buddies but we were only able to do it virtually for a while since the gym was at my work location not my home location. only 1 of them lives any where close to me. But I think that may be what I need to do, find a new support network.0 -
Now that I'm in my mid-40's with a family, my focus has shifted away from how I look towards how I feel. As in, pain prevention is a big thing for me now, lol. Over years of trial and error, I've determined my current weight gives me a good balance between performance in the gym, lack of pain in my joints, and just a little bit of mirror vanity (I don't think that ever truly goes away 100%).
That's wonderful! That's the exact mental state I need to get to.0 -
I love the gym and the gym environment, so I can relate somewhat. I tend to neglect lifting regularly sometimes but once I hit the gym and see all the other peeps hitting the weights, it's re-energizing.
For now, can you find You Tube videos for weight and/or cardio workouts? There are LOTS of super strong, fit women to watch and follow. Sorry, I don't have specific names but other posters have named people they follow so maybe someone else can contribute.
I actually have found working out at home really enjoyable and found some great programs but I think the problem with at home videos is that the instructors are always typically perfect whereas the female instructors in the gym I went to were both inspiring and athletic and beasts at what they did, but had more "normal" or realistic bodies. They weren't 15% body fat or whatever you see in the super lean instructors on YouTube. They were real and it was a nice basis of comparison to walk away seeing a fitness role model with a real body.3 -
With an ideal range of 30 to 39 your smartbmi is 36.
And you're strong and healthy.
Was there a question?👍
Btw: strong and healthy is what gets you off the toilet seat when you're 90; not being thinner
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littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I know that no-one has a perfect body, and even if they think they do I might disagree. Who's to say what's perfect? My vision might be different to yours. All those pictures you see online and in the magazines are altered, no-one looks like that. And that's aside from 2 hours of professional hair and make up before they even get in front of the camera. I'm not going to compare myself to something that isn't real.
Many years ago I was having a weight related meltdown and my husband prodded my *kitten* and said 'I don't love what's here, I love what's here' and prodded my head. I am much more concerned with what my body can do. It works all the time, even when I don't look after it very well. Even if I do lose another few stone it's not going to erase the last 20 years, I won't look the same. And that's fine, I don't feel the same either.
I changed the parameters for success, I don't want to be skinny. I want to be stronger, run faster, not feel stiff, feel better, be able to go and do fun stuff, live longer. Those things I control and social norms can get lost
That's the place I'm trying to get to mentally. I know that 46 year old me is way stronger, faster, athletic and healthier than 26 year old me and most of the time I'm fine but more often than I'd like I'm beating myself up to be skinnier. but when I start to diet I'm miserable. Part of it is my gym closing down. When I went to the gym I had my gym buddies and we all were our biggest supporters and motivators and cheered each other on. I've had to work out at home since the pandemic and then my gym closed for good so I don't have that same support system and have been unable to find a replacement. When I was surrounding myself with people who wanted to get stronger and fitter, I was happier bc those were my goals. Now, for some reason, by myself, I'm still meeting my goals but don't have the cheerleaders so find myself too focused on appearance.
I wonder if also contributing to your misery is an overly-aggressive weekly weight loss goal? With a max of 12 pounds to lose, did you select a half pound per week as your goal?
My first day on MFP I thought I could do two pounds per week and that goal didn't make it past lunchtime 0 -
Is it possible that a virtual community would help? There might be challenges or groups here on MFP with weight-lifting/fit women, and I know they exist on other sites/social media.
There are times I've "surrounded" myself with influences of the type I needed by using resources analogous to those, plus subscribing to good newsletters on a subject, listening to podcasts, following YouTube channels, etc.
I've done some of that to create an extended rowing community (though I see my local rowers in season), for mixed-media visual journaling & similar crafts, for martial arts community beyond my own style (back in the day), etc. It's not an equivalent to RL friends, but can help reduce the vague feeling of being the only person who does or values a particular activity, and has connected me with some great information resources I wouldn't otherwise have been aware of (books, videos, articles, research, etc.).1 -
First of all--10 chin ups is amazing! I'm STILL working my way back up to one unassisted dead-hang chin up! That is hard core!
I can resonate a lot with what you're saying. I guess fortunately for me, I've never been thin since I was a kid without working at it. I've only successfully lost a significant amount of weight (once in a very unhealthy manner) and even fewer than that have been able to maintain that loss. I can honestly say that I am fitter and stronger and generally look better body-wise than I did at my thinnest in my 20's, with the exception of the looser skin and "baggage" from the pregnancies and c-sections. Like you said, I know that logically I am in better shape than a lot of other 44-year olds. I logically am happy at my weight hovering around 135 at 5'8, haven't not been that low at that height well...if ever. I've had to teach myself over the years not only how to prefer more nutritious choices over less nutritious (although I eat both--just the latter more in moderation) and how to be ok with not having treats all.the.time. I, too, love food, but luckily for me I'm not picky so eating nutritious foods is satisfying, too.
Despite the fact that I'm focusing on continuing to recomp as much as possible, I still see parts and think "yuck." I've always had the problem of comparing myself to others (and sometimes those "others" are 20 years younger than me) and never being satisfied, so this isn't surprising. What I've had to do is shift my focus to strength gains vs. appearance gains which, as it sounds like you already know, isn't easy. It takes work! I've been hearing a lot more lately about body neutrality as opposed to body positivity. So, instead of trying to fool myself that I love my thighs and all the cellulite, I can look at them in a neutral light--they're just there and part of me. Don't have to love how they look, but I can be grateful for all they do for me. It really is those times when I start to compare myself--either to people I see in person or online, that I start to feel down about myself. It is a hard habit to break, but with practice, I AM getting better at it. I honestly know that I am not willing to put in the work and dedication it takes to look a certain way, and that includes surgical work. I will continue to put in the work I am comfortable with maintaining and doesn't take away from other parts of my life.
I also really focus on how getting stronger and making more nutritious choices makes me feel, physically. This has become even easier for me, as I started an elimination diet beginning April to see what might be triggering/worsening things like frequency muscle/joint aches, digestive issues, congestion, etc. Now that I"m starting to find out what some of those foods are and how good I felt without those foods, it'll be easier for me to limit those "triggering" foods even more (even though some are actually good for me--like strawberries). I now know that even one cocktail/glass of wine especially triggers muscle/joint aches, and more sugar (for me) increases some of those symptoms, too. Not saying that you have to go to that extreme, but I think when we focus on how foods make us feel physically vs. how we think they might make us look, it's easier to not eat so much of them.0 -
I've really been struggling with this lately. I'm 46 years old and since the pandemic my weight has slowly started to continue to creep up. I'm "happiest" at around 110 but I haven't seen that for ages and starting the pandemic I was probably 115. I'm now 122. And at only 4'11", every pound sends me into a spiral of despair. But the odd thing is that I feel good. I feel healthy and strong. I work out 5-6 days a week and really enjoy it. I've been building my strength and am more confident in exercising by myself. I can now do 20 push-ups in row. 10 chin ups. I am physically happy with my strength gains. I eat pretty well. But I like to eat and I like to eat a lot so I will splurge when I have a nice meal or treat in front of me. but that's 20% of time, offsetting the 80% where I eat well. And the truth is, I know I'm probably in better shape than most women my age. But I keep longing for the days when I was skinny and had a bikini body. I want to get to the point where I can just accept that I feel good and I'm healthy and fit but societal standards get into my head and I'm constantly competing to "look" the best I can and for some reason that equates thin. Not sure where I am going with this post other than this morning was a tough morning on the scale and I'm feeling down again. How have other's learned to be happy and accept that they don't have to achieve a "perfect body"? I know it logically, but mentally I get really down on myself. sorry for the long vent.
I've been mulling your post, so am back to add something that isn't an answer to your question, but is more like some thoughts that might live in a nearby zipcode to it. Also, it might come across as hard or mean or harsh. Not what I intend, and if I seem bitter or resentful in how I say it, that's 100% *not* the case.
At some point, though it's a deep and thorny puzzle, I think we kind of have to figure out what it is we value in ourself, for ourself.
I don't think this is harder for women, necessarily, but I think it's different on average for us than for average men: In my (US) culture, women are often valued for our appearance, at least in significant part; and moreover, valued by ourselves for how that appearance is reflected back to us by the mirror of other people's eyes and judgements.
Many women my age (65) and older think that the culture values us less as we age. I don't know (literally don't).
I think it is true that, to the the extent we matter for our looks, we're realistically going to reach a point where we're not generally seen as beautiful or attractive, but at most beautiful or attractive "for our age". As someone who wasn't earning good grades for beauty at any time past that nearly universally lovely gazelle-like stage of young womanhood, this isn't particularly distressing to me. I've long since crossed over to my own eccentric place appearance-wise, and attitude-wise.
At the same time, I feel like I have a reasonable handle on what I value in myself, and that lives alongside a pretty hefty complement of self-criticism that still engenders efforts toward self-improvement, even at this semi-advanced age. Most of that self-value, for me, at this stage, is about capabilities, independence, performance (not just physical/athletic, but also intellectual, emotional, social, creative . . . ). (I'm reasonably happy, BTW, I'd say.)
I can't say what you should value in yourself, strength or appearance or something(s) else entirely. But it's IMO a really key question, one that's likely to be ultra important to satisfaction and happiness in later stages of your life. If the answer is that appearance is most or very important, then I suspect it will be important to think through whether you value your appearance for your own sake, or for the sake of how others view you . . . because I'd expect a lot of changes in how others view your appearance as your years advance.
For me, I've concluded that aging happily means maintaining a healthy weight (not necessarily a cute weight) and reasonable strength, and good health to the extent feasible, because the people around me my age who haven't worked at those things are leading much more unpleasant (and shorter) lives than those age-mates who have worked at those things. Those things - body weight & strength - are less ends in themselves, than means to or foundations for the life I want.
What will make your future self happy, give your future self the best chance of a high quality of life? What person do you want her to be? You need to be building her foundation now.
You mention "I know it logically, but mentally I get really down on myself". I know it's not easy - so, so not - but if there's anything we control nearly 100%, it's our own mental landscape . . . whether through our individual effort, or, if necessary (and with no stigma) by working through some of those issues with whatever relevant professional that may be able to help clarify.
Best wishes!
(And apologies for the essay.)22 -
I heard, somewhere (I don't remember where) that your weight is the least interesting thing about you. that was true for me at obese, and it's true for me now. my weight loss was inspired by deciding I was tired of being my own last priority, and a desire to be able to do things I love. it's self-care and prioritization.
what you want and what i want may be different. what i want is to run fast, play hard, hike long, and ride a lot of horses.
it's down to the body that reflects and enable your desired life/lifestyle. if part of that is looking a certain way in a bikini that's okay. for me it's not having my thighs die because i posted a trot for 5 minutes. there's no morality attached to either one. it's your body and life. do what enables you to feel good in them.
which is, yeah, a hard thing to untangle but oh so worth it.6 -
It IS hard. I did some untangling while still fat. I am a tall woman, and I am from a family of large, strong, tall women. There is no 100 pound model under my fat. There's a Northern European peasant woman with T & A and thick strong legs and a solid core. And I can make THAT build the best it can be, the most comfortable body that I can be in, and that's a good and desirable goal. I do have chronic pain, and I probably always will. But the less poundage I put on the reconstructed midfoot, the happier it will be, and the more walking and standing I can sneak into my life.
Probably I will need surgery; I'm short waisted and had three nine-pound babies. Now that they're all grown men, I can contemplate not looking six months pregnant all the time. Also, if my breasts choose not to lose weight with the rest of me, well, I wouldn't be the first woman in my family to have a breast reduction. And that will probably be emotionally trying as well.
I want to be able to walk all day and do yoga and chase my eventual grandkids, and enjoy my life with my second husband.8 -
kshama2001 wrote: »littlegreenparrot1 wrote: »I know that no-one has a perfect body, and even if they think they do I might disagree. Who's to say what's perfect? My vision might be different to yours. All those pictures you see online and in the magazines are altered, no-one looks like that. And that's aside from 2 hours of professional hair and make up before they even get in front of the camera. I'm not going to compare myself to something that isn't real.
Many years ago I was having a weight related meltdown and my husband prodded my *kitten* and said 'I don't love what's here, I love what's here' and prodded my head. I am much more concerned with what my body can do. It works all the time, even when I don't look after it very well. Even if I do lose another few stone it's not going to erase the last 20 years, I won't look the same. And that's fine, I don't feel the same either.
I changed the parameters for success, I don't want to be skinny. I want to be stronger, run faster, not feel stiff, feel better, be able to go and do fun stuff, live longer. Those things I control and social norms can get lost
That's the place I'm trying to get to mentally. I know that 46 year old me is way stronger, faster, athletic and healthier than 26 year old me and most of the time I'm fine but more often than I'd like I'm beating myself up to be skinnier. but when I start to diet I'm miserable. Part of it is my gym closing down. When I went to the gym I had my gym buddies and we all were our biggest supporters and motivators and cheered each other on. I've had to work out at home since the pandemic and then my gym closed for good so I don't have that same support system and have been unable to find a replacement. When I was surrounding myself with people who wanted to get stronger and fitter, I was happier bc those were my goals. Now, for some reason, by myself, I'm still meeting my goals but don't have the cheerleaders so find myself too focused on appearance.
I wonder if also contributing to your misery is an overly-aggressive weekly weight loss goal? With a max of 12 pounds to lose, did you select a half pound per week as your goal?
My first day on MFP I thought I could do two pounds per week and that goal didn't make it past lunchtime
I use MFP loosely to get a sense of where my calories are for the day. It's not set at any target other than I try to stay around the 1600 to 1800 range. But yes, it is when I try to reduce to a lower calorie range that I'm miserable.0 -
Is it possible that a virtual community would help? There might be challenges or groups here on MFP with weight-lifting/fit women, and I know they exist on other sites/social media.
There are times I've "surrounded" myself with influences of the type I needed by using resources analogous to those, plus subscribing to good newsletters on a subject, listening to podcasts, following YouTube channels, etc.
I've done some of that to create an extended rowing community (though I see my local rowers in season), for mixed-media visual journaling & similar crafts, for martial arts community beyond my own style (back in the day), etc. It's not an equivalent to RL friends, but can help reduce the vague feeling of being the only person who does or values a particular activity, and has connected me with some great information resources I wouldn't otherwise have been aware of (books, videos, articles, research, etc.).Speakeasy76 wrote: »First of all--10 chin ups is amazing! I'm STILL working my way back up to one unassisted dead-hang chin up! That is hard core!
I can resonate a lot with what you're saying. I guess fortunately for me, I've never been thin since I was a kid without working at it. I've only successfully lost a significant amount of weight (once in a very unhealthy manner) and even fewer than that have been able to maintain that loss. I can honestly say that I am fitter and stronger and generally look better body-wise than I did at my thinnest in my 20's, with the exception of the looser skin and "baggage" from the pregnancies and c-sections. Like you said, I know that logically I am in better shape than a lot of other 44-year olds. I logically am happy at my weight hovering around 135 at 5'8, haven't not been that low at that height well...if ever. I've had to teach myself over the years not only how to prefer more nutritious choices over less nutritious (although I eat both--just the latter more in moderation) and how to be ok with not having treats all.the.time. I, too, love food, but luckily for me I'm not picky so eating nutritious foods is satisfying, too.
Despite the fact that I'm focusing on continuing to recomp as much as possible, I still see parts and think "yuck." I've always had the problem of comparing myself to others (and sometimes those "others" are 20 years younger than me) and never being satisfied, so this isn't surprising. What I've had to do is shift my focus to strength gains vs. appearance gains which, as it sounds like you already know, isn't easy. It takes work! I've been hearing a lot more lately about body neutrality as opposed to body positivity. So, instead of trying to fool myself that I love my thighs and all the cellulite, I can look at them in a neutral light--they're just there and part of me. Don't have to love how they look, but I can be grateful for all they do for me. It really is those times when I start to compare myself--either to people I see in person or online, that I start to feel down about myself. It is a hard habit to break, but with practice, I AM getting better at it. I honestly know that I am not willing to put in the work and dedication it takes to look a certain way, and that includes surgical work. I will continue to put in the work I am comfortable with maintaining and doesn't take away from other parts of my life.
I also really focus on how getting stronger and making more nutritious choices makes me feel, physically. This has become even easier for me, as I started an elimination diet beginning April to see what might be triggering/worsening things like frequency muscle/joint aches, digestive issues, congestion, etc. Now that I"m starting to find out what some of those foods are and how good I felt without those foods, it'll be easier for me to limit those "triggering" foods even more (even though some are actually good for me--like strawberries). I now know that even one cocktail/glass of wine especially triggers muscle/joint aches, and more sugar (for me) increases some of those symptoms, too. Not saying that you have to go to that extreme, but I think when we focus on how foods make us feel physically vs. how we think they might make us look, it's easier to not eat so much of them.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. Everything you wrote is spot on to how I feel. I think you are right in continuing to focus on nutrition and foods that make me feel better. There's definitely a correlation between certain foods that make me feel bloated or tired. That's a great suggestion!2 -
I've been mulling your post, so am back to add something that isn't an answer to your question, but is more like some thoughts that might live in a nearby zipcode to it. Also, it might come across as hard or mean or harsh. Not what I intend, and if I seem bitter or resentful in how I say it, that's 100% *not* the case.
At some point, though it's a deep and thorny puzzle, I think we kind of have to figure out what it is we value in ourself, for ourself.
I don't think this is harder for women, necessarily, but I think it's different on average for us than for average men: In my (US) culture, women are often valued for our appearance, at least in significant part; and moreover, valued by ourselves for how that appearance is reflected back to us by the mirror of other people's eyes and judgements.
Many women my age (65) and older think that the culture values us less as we age. I don't know (literally don't).
I think it is true that, to the the extent we matter for our looks, we're realistically going to reach a point where we're not generally seen as beautiful or attractive, but at most beautiful or attractive "for our age". As someone who wasn't earning good grades for beauty at any time past that nearly universally lovely gazelle-like stage of young womanhood, this isn't particularly distressing to me. I've long since crossed over to my own eccentric place appearance-wise, and attitude-wise.
At the same time, I feel like I have a reasonable handle on what I value in myself, and that lives alongside a pretty hefty complement of self-criticism that still engenders efforts toward self-improvement, even at this semi-advanced age. Most of that self-value, for me, at this stage, is about capabilities, independence, performance (not just physical/athletic, but also intellectual, emotional, social, creative . . . ). (I'm reasonably happy, BTW, I'd say.)
I can't say what you should value in yourself, strength or appearance or something(s) else entirely. But it's IMO a really key question, one that's likely to be ultra important to satisfaction and happiness in later stages of your life. If the answer is that appearance is most or very important, then I suspect it will be important to think through whether you value your appearance for your own sake, or for the sake of how others view you . . . because I'd expect a lot of changes in how others view your appearance as your years advance.
For me, I've concluded that aging happily means maintaining a healthy weight (not necessarily a cute weight) and reasonable strength, and good health to the extent feasible, because the people around me my age who haven't worked at those things are leading much more unpleasant (and shorter) lives than those age-mates who have worked at those things. Those things - body weight & strength - are less ends in themselves, than means to or foundations for the life I want.
What will make your future self happy, give your future self the best chance of a high quality of life? What person do you want her to be? You need to be building her foundation now.
You mention "I know it logically, but mentally I get really down on myself". I know it's not easy - so, so not - but if there's anything we control nearly 100%, it's our own mental landscape . . . whether through our individual effort, or, if necessary (and with no stigma) by working through some of those issues with whatever relevant professional that may be able to help clarify.
Best wishes!
(And apologies for the essay.)
Thank you for your essay!!! And no offense taken to it all. I truly appreciate the insight and advice and will continue to focus on prioritizing the values that matter to me (being a kind person, intelligence, independence, health, emotional well being, compassion, etc.). I think this post really hit home because as I read it, it hit me like a bomb that I have a 10 year old daughter and if I exhibit this kind of behavior, I'm only perpetuating a cycle of "women should be valued for their looks". I think I have done a really good job in showing her otherwise so far. She is strong and independent and knows that mom is just as respected at her job as dad is. You reminded me that every time I doubt myself and my weight I am only teaching her to do the same and not focus on heath and all the other important things in life. Thank you so much for helping me see that I'm contributing to the issue that got me here in the first place and it's my responsibility to break out of it for myself and my daughter.7 -
AlexandraFindsHerself1971 wrote: »It IS hard. I did some untangling while still fat. I am a tall woman, and I am from a family of large, strong, tall women. There is no 100 pound model under my fat. There's a Northern European peasant woman with T & A and thick strong legs and a solid core. And I can make THAT build the best it can be, the most comfortable body that I can be in, and that's a good and desirable goal. I do have chronic pain, and I probably always will. But the less poundage I put on the reconstructed midfoot, the happier it will be, and the more walking and standing I can sneak into my life.
Probably I will need surgery; I'm short waisted and had three nine-pound babies. Now that they're all grown men, I can contemplate not looking six months pregnant all the time. Also, if my breasts choose not to lose weight with the rest of me, well, I wouldn't be the first woman in my family to have a breast reduction. And that will probably be emotionally trying as well.
I want to be able to walk all day and do yoga and chase my eventual grandkids, and enjoy my life with my second husband.
Hello from another Northern European peasant woman!
When in middle and high school, I hated my big feet and was teased about my big calves, but when I started practicing yoga I learned what an asset big feet are for me for balancing poses.
My weight loss goal is not a number on a scale, but to be able to do the routine I enjoyed when I was a full time yoga teacher, which takes a lot more upper body and cardiovascular strength than I currently have. I've kept a pair of jeans from that time, and aspire to get back into them as well.4 -
Thank you for your essay!!! And no offense taken to it all. I truly appreciate the insight and advice and will continue to focus on prioritizing the values that matter to me (being a kind person, intelligence, independence, health, emotional well being, compassion, etc.). I think this post really hit home because as I read it, it hit me like a bomb that I have a 10 year old daughter and if I exhibit this kind of behavior, I'm only perpetuating a cycle of "women should be valued for their looks". I think I have done a really good job in showing her otherwise so far. She is strong and independent and knows that mom is just as respected at her job as dad is. You reminded me that every time I doubt myself and my weight I am only teaching her to do the same and not focus on heath and all the other important things in life. Thank you so much for helping me see that I'm contributing to the issue that got me here in the first place and it's my responsibility to break out of it for myself and my daughter.
Wow, you're demonstrating stellar emotional intelligence here! You and your daughter will both benefit from it!
4 -
The "line" is in your brain.2
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I suggest possibly learn to love the body you're in right now? This year I've probably gained about 3kgs but am most likely the strongest and fittest I have ever been. I am not as thin as I once was but I am still happy with the way I look....strong and fit. Yes my body is larger but I am also toned and have a nice shape so I am comfortable in my own body. Take a look in the mirror and look at yourself. What do you like about your body? Focus on those bits and feel proud.3
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I didn’t realize this was an older post when I started reading it, hoping you’re still hanging around. Your BMI at 122 is 24.6, which is at the higher end of normal. I would say there’s nothing wrong with deciding you’re happy at a normal weight. You don’t have to consider it a failure or giving up to choose strength over appearance.
I’m 5’8”. Personally during my lifetime I have been at every BMI between 15 and 42! And I look “prettiest” when unhealthily underweight. I would love to weigh 137, which is what BMI calculators call my “ideal weight” but my body maintains almost effortlessly at about 150, which is still well within normal, and when I try to dip below that it’s a real effort and makes me feel deprived. Life is too short.
Anyway, maybe when you are able to resume all of your favorite activities and spend time with friends again your weight will naturally drop, while you maintain your strength gains. Here’s hoping those days come soon!4 -
As someone who's only 1" taller than you at 5" and 1lb heavier, I can relate.
I used to be quite overweight and lost a lot of weight, I am at 123lbs now. When I lost weight, I lingered at 121 for a while and got down as low as 113lbs - but I couldn't maintain that. I'm really trying to get below 120 again, but it's so difficult.
I'd like to be a less soft around the edges and see more of the muscle I know I have.1 -
This is something I can totally relate to!!
I'm fit, and more fit than probably 80+% of the women my age (as in, I can out lift, out endure, out hike, out ride, etc) - also in my 40s (just turned 43). I could be more fit, and am slowly integrating more fitness (physical AND mental) into my life (life long mission there lol).
Much like you, I like food - I enjoy eating. It is frequently an experience for me, especially if it is a meal out or even a meal I took special effort or time to cook. I want to enjoy those things while they are fresh - leftovers are okay, but they are NOT the same!!
I weigh more than I should, and a fair bit more than I want to weigh. For most of my life (until more professional "desk" jobs), I had very few issues with my weight, and while I often "felt" fat, I could still wear a bikini and not be embarrassed.
Not so much anymore.
My self-confidence has improved, I'm very happy with who I am as a person, but those 15-20 pounds haunt me every time I look in the mirror. The guy I'm seeing has never uttered anything resembling anything other than a compliment (no matter how much I try to twist it, even I can't find a hidden non-compliment). I've had a few other people who've given me plenty of compliments. Yet I am very insecure about how I currently look vs how I know MY body has looked.
And therein lies my biggest issue - I'm not comparing myself to someone else, or some ideal I can't fit, or myself as a teenager - I'm comparing myself to who I was in my early 30's - not that long ago
I am NOT making excuses - I know it all boils down to CICO - I've come closer, but found it hard to sustain, and revert back to my "happy weight" the past decade.
It boils down to priorities - I'd rather enjoy that meal out than fit into a smaller size jean. I'm not going to compete with 20 year olds in the looks department no matter how much I hate that fact, so I have to enjoy what I do have, where I am in life, and who I am as a person.
In the end, I'd rather be the person I am, with the confidence in who I am, at this point, than the insecure 20 year old who had no clue who she even wanted to be, none the less who she was.
I'll still be watching that scale and working towards lifestyle changes that fit the mid-life lifestyle and my current goals and hobbies though
4 -
How have other's learned to be happy and accept that they don't have to achieve a "perfect body"? I know it logically, but mentally I get really down on myself. sorry for the long vent.
I try to do both. I accept myself for where I am, I've reflected and it's the result of my actions after college (when I had my best bod). I also want to change, to improve my future health and activity levels.
1 -
I know a few guys from my old gym that have pretty elite physiques. Not really bodybuilder, but more fitness model/underwear model type of physiques. For me, it's not even a matter of pushing myself. Those guys live for the weight room and have very strict, almost "robotic" diets that I would find incredibly mundane. I'd rather just be healthy and fit and enjoy myself and hit up the little cafe for a late breakfast after a morning of mountain biking for a big old pile of eggs, bacon, and hash browns or hitting one of the local breweries for a couple of beers after a half day of mountain biking than worry about six pack abs. Those guys I know are also quite a bit younger than me...I'm pushing 47 and they're in their late 20s. They have jobs and no wife or kids...I have a career and a wife and two kids. Even if I wanted to have that kind of body, my other life obligations would make it incredibly difficult time wise. I'd rather spend quality time with my wife and kids.
My happy place is at about 180 Lbs. At that weight I look healthy and fit and while not super lean, I'm also not fat. No love handles, mostly flat stomach with some visible ab definition in the right lighting. The lowest I ever got down to was around 173 in the spring of 2016 and I was pretty lean. Fully visible abs though not popping ripped. I had to put in a mess load of work in the gym and had to be pretty strict with my diet for a good 6 months...all for a beach vacation that I really thought getting super lean was going to help me enjoy more. It was actually quite the opposite in a way...drinking beer on the beach and eating yummy Colombian food bloated me up pretty good just after a couple of days of vacation. There was really no way I was going to be able to maintain the work I was putting in along with the strict diet and in general just wasn't really worth it. I had that kind of thing going on in my 20s, and that's where I'm leaving it.
Pushing 47, my primary goal is to be healthy and be fit and from a vanity standpoint, look the part and look reasonably decent poolside or on the beach. I don't think about it so much in terms of "pushing myself" as I see it as not particularly important at this juncture of my life and thus not worth that kind of effort. Having fully visible abs for a few months didn't change my life one bit.3
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