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Height-ism?
Replies
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We've all suffered slings and arrows at the hands of someone who didn't like some body feature or trait. Using dating apps to window shop can cause massive confusion. Window shoppers can be talking to 100 people at one time. It's like eating a dirt sandwich.
Women get passed over for the size of their bewbs, legs, face or age. Some old geezer wants a sweet young thing with the attributes of a perfect barbie doll. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing. Too many apps and too many options result in dating burnout. Wait for the one that can give you their full attention.
I hope it all works out but height has nothing to do with that. Trust and honesty will carry you much further down the road than any dating app ever could. I only know one extra special person that a dating app worked out for.
One. 4 -
Most people I know met their now spouse on a dating app, including me.1
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Agree that heightism is ridiculous......Just the tip of the iceberg as far as ridiculous things you will see while on-line dating though.0
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So, I did online dating a while back. I once heard that women lie about their weight, men lie about their height and income, and everyone lies about how often they exercise. Don't know if that's true, but it seems like there may be some truth to that.
That said, I had specific criteria I looked for, but it was odd stuff. For example, I looked for a guy who doesn't have a cat (I'm allergic) and who plays golf. I also had a very narrow age range, and I preferred someone who wasn't of the same religion as my ex-husband.
After a lot of trial and error, and wasting a lot of time on crappy first dates, I met my current partner. We've been together for 8 years, and guess what... He used to have a cat (and had profile pictures with his cat) and desperately wants another one, he doesn't play golf, and he's outside of the age range I preferred. The only box he ticked on paper was the religion box. I couldn't be happier and can't imagine being with anyone else. So, we can have all the criteria in the world, but sometimes your "type" doesn't make you happy. Maybe dating the same type over and over again is the reason you're still single.
Oh, and to answer the OP's question, I'm 5'4" and he's 5'5", but he honestly thinks he's 5'7" and put that on his profile.
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I mean, when you're dating IRL, you just mention those preferences on date two or three, and if it's a physical thing or something they can't control, people just make something up about being too busy to date or they'll ghost. So really, it just saves time and money to put that in a profile.
As for silly preferences, I'll go ahead and share some from my marriage (7 years strong, didn't meet online): I told my husband upfront there were some kinds of cars he could not ever own or rent if he wanted me to get in them with him (the Camaro and Jeep Wrangler of Abusive Boyfriends Past still made me uncomfortable at the time). He agreed on the condition that I don't wear animal print lingerie; his mom loves big cats and always wears leopard/tiger/cheetah print, and he doesn't want to be reminded of his mom in bed. Fair enough, sir!😂
A funny aside about heights: I'm 5'3" ish, so I judge how tall a man is by what is at eye level. If I'm looking at his chest or collarbone, he's 5'11" or taller. If he's taller than me but I actually get to look at his face, he's somewhere between 5'6" and 5'10". REALLY tall guys (over 6'8") put my eye level around their waist, and I imagine that's equally awkward all around. What are you gonna do when we want to talk, take a knee?? (my PSG in the Army would do this, and it was so embarrassing I'd have to walk away) How do you date a man that tall??? I'd have to carry a ladder to kiss you, or climb you like a tree! The logistics of that are too distracting lol4 -
Interesting data.
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That height filter data is insane especially if you consider that the average height for a woman is something like 5’5”. I am 5’9” and have dated guys 6’3 which was great in heels but a bit too tall in terms of arms and hands lining up to walk holding hands etc barefoot. Obviously not a criteria I cared about, but just wondering if those filters are setting outer limits rather than desired best heights.0
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So a lot of women would date men that are 7 feet tall? Interesting.0
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So a lot of women would date men that are 7 feet tall? Interesting.
Perhaps those are the same ones who also would date men under five feet tall.
Seems a slightly less than average height person like me isn't desired by more than maybe a tenth of women on that site. Oh well. If they knew I could cook....3 -
I don't get why so many people are offended that people who have stupid ways of selecting potential mates don't want to date them. I think that's a plus, not a disadvantage.
I admit, I haven't online-dated. I've thought about it, including considering what I'd put in a profile, use as a photo. (I used to chat with my (male) massage therapist about this, when he was online dating, so I've given it some though;, and have sereiously thought about dating myself, before I decided I didn't care to start another relationship. I've already had one good marriage, so I think I'm above what most people seem to achieve in that department.)
If I posted a profile, it would 100% have things in it that I think would be deal-breakers for a lot of silly or unsuited men (i.e., opinionated, argumentative, eccentric, poor housekeeper, sarcastic, likes being every minute of her (advanced) true age and looking it. . . .). I don't even want to have that ice-breaker mid-day coffee date with incompatible idiots. Ugh.7 -
If I posted a profile, it would 100% have things in it that I think would be deal-breakers for a lot of silly or unsuited men (i.e., opinionated, argumentative, eccentric, poor housekeeper, sarcastic, likes being every minute of her (advanced) true age and looking it. . . .). I don't even want to have that ice-breaker mid-day coffee date with incompatible idiots. Ugh.
Everybody has their deal-breaker things. And that's okay, we can't expect to appeal to everyone. Lord only knows, I'm sure being a tall woman has put off many possible suitors in my past.
For example, although I'm a huge animal lover, I could never date a cat owner. I'm violently allergic to cats and I can't see a relationship going very far if I'm allergic to the dude, his clothes, his home. That's just a practical consideration.2 -
If I posted a profile, it would 100% have things in it that I think would be deal-breakers for a lot of silly or unsuited men (i.e., opinionated, argumentative, eccentric, poor housekeeper, sarcastic, likes being every minute of her (advanced) true age and looking it. . . .). I don't even want to have that ice-breaker mid-day coffee date with incompatible idiots. Ugh.
Everybody has their deal-breaker things. And that's okay, we can't expect to appeal to everyone. Lord only knows, I'm sure being a tall woman has put off many possible suitors in my past.
For example, although I'm a huge animal lover, I could never date a cat owner. I'm violently allergic to cats and I can't see a relationship going very far if I'm allergic to the dude, his clothes, his home. That's just a practical consideration.
Of course, I'd have deal breakers, too, if I cared to deal.
My point is not "why do people do have deal-breakers" but "why do 3rd parties get angry about people having what they think are arbitrary, ridiculous deal-breakers, when that (the published silly deal-breakers) stop the 3rd parties from wasting their time dating people who think things the 3rd parties find dumb".
It's a service. If I *were* online dating and someone put a deal-breaker in their profile, I'd say (to myself) "thank you for letting me skip you". Silly criteria are just a form of deal-breaker. Why want to date someone that silly? Why not be glad they revealed right up front that they're silly?7 -
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If I posted a profile, it would 100% have things in it that I think would be deal-breakers for a lot of silly or unsuited men (i.e., opinionated, argumentative, eccentric, poor housekeeper, sarcastic, likes being every minute of her (advanced) true age and looking it. . . .). I don't even want to have that ice-breaker mid-day coffee date with incompatible idiots. Ugh.
Sounds dreamy! My deal-breaker would be the commute of thousands of miles for that coffee....
I have contemplated online dating, but it still seems so weird. Fortunately I have a few friends, and I know a few folks who like to go on adventures on rivers.1 -
I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.5
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I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.2 -
T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀6 -
And there are more men than women on dating apps, I think only 30% of women are on dating apps according to a google search. And also based on real world experience.1
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T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀
And it's a numbers game. I don't think anyone would try to argue that all of these right-swiping guys are carefully selecting women that they're attracted to and with whom they feel they have potential compatibility based on a thorough reading of their profile. They're just casting a wider net with the intention of filtering the matches later.3 -
T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀
They're just casting a wider net with the intention of filtering the matches later.
Yep, that was me on dating apps 🤣
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T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀
And it's a numbers game. I don't think anyone would try to argue that all of these right-swiping guys are carefully selecting women that they're attracted to and with whom they feel they have potential compatibility based on a thorough reading of their profile. They're just casting a wider net with the intention of filtering the matches later.
I suspect a factor in some (many?) cases, when it comes to women's behavior, is just plain literal physical fear for their safety. Meeting strangers, dating strangers, can feel dangerous. Selectivity results. Disinclination to sign up to the apps results.
That doesn't explain height prejudices (kind of the opposite, maybe), but I think it probably has something to do with more men using the apps, and men right-swiping on more women. My sense is that it's not very common for men to feel physically fearful about strange women, but pretty common for women to have physical safety fears when it comes to strange men - disproportionate to statistical reality, maybe, even.
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T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀
And it's a numbers game. I don't think anyone would try to argue that all of these right-swiping guys are carefully selecting women that they're attracted to and with whom they feel they have potential compatibility based on a thorough reading of their profile. They're just casting a wider net with the intention of filtering the matches later.
I suspect a factor in some (many?) cases, when it comes to women's behavior, is just plain literal physical fear for their safety. Meeting strangers, dating strangers, can feel dangerous. Selectivity results. Disinclination to sign up to the apps results.
That doesn't explain height prejudices (kind of the opposite, maybe), but I think it probably has something to do with more men using the apps, and men right-swiping on more women. My sense is that it's not very common for men to feel physically fearful about strange women, but pretty common for women to have physical safety fears when it comes to strange men - disproportionate to statistical reality, maybe, even.
You would think so anyway.
My BFF's neighbour/friend got into online dating after his marriage ended, I think he would have been in his late 40s then, presumably dating women of a comparable age. I was appalled at the number of women who would go to his home for a first meeting/date. In fact, I think most if not all did, since he was an alcoholic and too intoxicated to drive most of the time so he wasn't going anywhere.
I thought rule #1 was "meet in a public place".3 -
T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀
And it's a numbers game. I don't think anyone would try to argue that all of these right-swiping guys are carefully selecting women that they're attracted to and with whom they feel they have potential compatibility based on a thorough reading of their profile. They're just casting a wider net with the intention of filtering the matches later.
I suspect a factor in some (many?) cases, when it comes to women's behavior, is just plain literal physical fear for their safety. Meeting strangers, dating strangers, can feel dangerous. Selectivity results. Disinclination to sign up to the apps results.
That doesn't explain height prejudices (kind of the opposite, maybe), but I think it probably has something to do with more men using the apps, and men right-swiping on more women. My sense is that it's not very common for men to feel physically fearful about strange women, but pretty common for women to have physical safety fears when it comes to strange men - disproportionate to statistical reality, maybe, even.
You would think so anyway.
My BFF's neighbour/friend got into online dating after his marriage ended, I think he would have been in his late 40s then, presumably dating women of a comparable age. I was appalled at the number of women who would go to his home for a first meeting/date. In fact, I think most if not all did, since he was an alcoholic and too intoxicated to drive most of the time so he wasn't going anywhere.
I thought rule #1 was "meet in a public place".
Yeah. Earlier I mentioned that I had some conversations with my massage therapist (we were chatty while he worked) about his online dating. He was extremely scrupulous about first dates, wanting them to be in public, safe spaces . . . and I think mostly for the woman's sake, but maybe also partly his (but 6'3", so probably not easily intimidated, despite being mild-mannered mostly).
But keep in mind, my point was partly about why women might sign up in fewer numbers in the first place. There are confident people - even foolish people - in any demographic, I suspect.
I'm not sure how realistic it is to have major fears about online dating, honestly: I know there are risks, but I don't know if problems are actually common (vs. just well publicized) nor what the nature of the more common problems might be (especially as contrasted with problems women had when dating before online dating was a thing). If I were going to try it myself, I'd look into the risk levels, of course.
I'm not - on the scale defined by the range of women I know - at the most-scared, most easily intimidated end of the scale, in terms of doing things some women find risky. I'd say I'm probably medium to medium high risk tolerant among women I know, when it comes to things like traveling alone, walking alone at night, etc. My suspicion is that a large fraction of women I know would be at least somewhat cautious or fearful about online dates. That said, I do know women who do it, even some who've met spouses that way.0 -
I'm not sure how realistic it is to have major fears about online dating, honestly: I know there are risks, but I don't know if problems are actually common (vs. just well publicized) nor what the nature of the more common problems might be (especially as contrasted with problems women had when dating before online dating was a thing). If I were going to try it myself, I'd look into the risk levels, of course.
Honestly I think the biggest risks are probably disappointment, boredom, and dealing with rejection.I'm not - on the scale defined by the range of women I know - at the most-scared, most easily intimidated end of the scale, in terms of doing things some women find risky. I'd say I'm probably medium to medium high risk tolerant among women I know, when it comes to things like traveling alone, walking alone at night, etc. My suspicion is that a large fraction of women I know would be at least somewhat cautious or fearful about online dates. That said, I do know women who do it, even some who've met spouses that way.
I only know one woman who's done online dating, a former coworker. That's probably due to a combination of my age and the fact that the vast majority of my friends are still in long-term marriages. Most of her misadventures in online dating were the result of men misrepresenting themselves, having wildly incompatible personalities, or just being plain rude (standing her up, ghosting, etc). Mind you, this lady is 5'11" so physical fear was less of a factor for her.2 -
T1DCarnivoreRunner wrote: »I know the topic here is height, but let's not forget that men also select by age, the graph would look similar probably.
I am not convinced. The reality is that, in general, women are much more choosy than men on dating apps. There is a YouTuber who does data analysis about this exact topic. Overall, most women are swiping right on a very small percentage of men. OTOH men swip right at much higher rates. Having said that, there is a lot of variability amongst men... Some swipe right 40% and others nearly 90% of the time. Most all women are swiping right less than 10% of the time.
That's because the men are (generally) looking to get laid.
No one needs a youtuber to tell them that. 😀
And it's a numbers game. I don't think anyone would try to argue that all of these right-swiping guys are carefully selecting women that they're attracted to and with whom they feel they have potential compatibility based on a thorough reading of their profile. They're just casting a wider net with the intention of filtering the matches later.
I suspect a factor in some (many?) cases, when it comes to women's behavior, is just plain literal physical fear for their safety. Meeting strangers, dating strangers, can feel dangerous. Selectivity results. Disinclination to sign up to the apps results.
That doesn't explain height prejudices (kind of the opposite, maybe), but I think it probably has something to do with more men using the apps, and men right-swiping on more women. My sense is that it's not very common for men to feel physically fearful about strange women, but pretty common for women to have physical safety fears when it comes to strange men - disproportionate to statistical reality, maybe, even.
You would think so anyway.
My BFF's neighbour/friend got into online dating after his marriage ended, I think he would have been in his late 40s then, presumably dating women of a comparable age. I was appalled at the number of women who would go to his home for a first meeting/date. In fact, I think most if not all did, since he was an alcoholic and too intoxicated to drive most of the time so he wasn't going anywhere.
I thought rule #1 was "meet in a public place".
Yes, meeting in a public place is important... believe it or not, it is really common for men to get attacked when they meet women. Or at least when they think they are going to meet a woman. This is a way that other people (men, women, sometimes a team of both) rob men - they pretend to be someone really attractive on a dating app and men fall for it.3 -
The Bumble filter date is not saying what the person says.
Advanced filters are a paid for feature, and even of women paying for it, this is only showing women who have set a preference.
Nor does the filter work the way it's being implied. The 90% there represents that number is considered acceptable by those that have it. So like 32% of paying filter using women are saying they won't date a 6'11" man, and ~60% are saying they won't date a 7' or taller man.1 -
As mentioned earlier in the thread I'm 5' 10" and my husband is about 5' 8" ish (he has shrunk about an inch in the last 35 years due to back problems/compression).
Someone said to me the other day that I probably hope that I shrink as I age (ummm .. no!) because I "tower over him" now. I am two inches taller. Since when is a two inch height difference considered "towering over" someone? People really do have some weird ideas about women being tall.3 -
@ythannah "Mind you, this lady is 5'11" so physical fear was less of a factor for her."
This is an example of heightism. I'm short but have the temperament of a honey badger.
There are two pieces, though: How the person themselves thinks/feels/behaves based on their height (or other visible characteristics), and how a range of other people might treat them based on stereotyping based on their height (or other visible characteristics). The treatment, if recurrent, also can shape how the person so treated sees the world.
How inclined others are to see one as a target for manipulation/abuse, and how capable one is at dealing with that abuse**: Also two different things, as you - a non-tall honey badger - seem to realize. Sometimes victimizers guess wrong, but I'm betting they do use stereotypes (including maybe heightism), in guessing which victims to pick.
I've never been a tall woman, so I don't know whether there's a difference in . . . victim choice, I guess I'd call it? . . . by victimizers, that affects tall women and short women differently?
I've certainly seen men treat other men differently based on size. (It's not always the "pick on the short guy" scenario, either: A 6'5" gentle-natured male friend had recurring problems with aggressive drunks wanting to pick fights with him at bars, totally unprovoked by him, presumably as a show of their masculinity . . . or something?)
Women are routinely advise not to "look like a victim" on the street, i.e. one should walk briskly, make brief but assertive eye contact with others rather than looking down at the sidewalk, and all manner of other details. If tall women look less like victim-candidates, to victimizers, have fewer negative encounters, that can have an effect on fear levels.
** A favorite personal story from the news here, some years back, only marginally relevant to this thread: A mobility-impaired (cane user) 60-something woman was helping her even more disabled brother into her car. A mugger thought they looked like a good target, tried to rob them in daylight in their own neighborhood. Outcome: Woman beat the bejeepers out of mugger with her cane, and he ran away, with energy. Victim stereotyping gone wrong . . . apparently an elderly female honey badger?😉5 -
I would of thought Meet in a public place and for a relatively short time - eg at a cafe for coffee - was a standard rule for all first dating, both for safety and for 'escape practicality', ie you are not stuck together for long period or difficult to remove oneself politely - not just online dating and completely unrelated to either person's height.2
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@ythannah "Mind you, this lady is 5'11" so physical fear was less of a factor for her."
This is an example of heightism. I'm short but have the temperament of a honey badger.
Realistically, a person who is 5'11" is likely going to be more difficult to subdue physically than one who is 5'1". Or, as Ann points out above, will be perceived as a less easy target.
The SO is 6'9" and has never had to fight in his life. All he has to do is stand up.0
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