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Height-ism?

zamphir66zamphir66 Member Posts: 550 Member Member Posts: 550 Member
So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
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Replies

  • psychod787psychod787 Member, Premium Posts: 3,773 Member Member, Premium Posts: 3,773 Member
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    If we look at things through an evolutionary eyesight, a man being taller could have been a sign of good genetics or nutrition. Jmho...
  • zamphir66zamphir66 Member Posts: 550 Member Member Posts: 550 Member
    psychod787 wrote: »
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.

    A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).

    This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.

    I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.

    In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.

    And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.

    If we look at things through an evolutionary eyesight, a man being taller could have been a sign of good genetics or nutrition. Jmho...

    Oh, I'm in now way suggesting that a preference for height isn't "real" or that it doesn't make sense in some primitive way. I'm just wondering why it's OK to be overt with that and not with arguably similar things. Such as race. Maybe, hypothetically, I prefer to date within my own race, but I would never say that.
  • durhammfpdurhammfp Member Posts: 425 Member Member Posts: 425 Member
    I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.

    So true. Just swipe past all those folks.

    I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
  • zamphir66zamphir66 Member Posts: 550 Member Member Posts: 550 Member
    A friend of mine was doing some online dating. She said that many men listed requirements like, "must be slim", or "fit women only". Racial requirements were common, too.

    I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.

    OK that's interesting. I'm the only male profile I've looked at, and I would never write anything like that.
  • cmriversidecmriverside Member Posts: 30,527 Member Member Posts: 30,527 Member
    zamphir66 wrote: »
    durhammfp wrote: »
    I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.

    So true. Just swipe past all those folks.

    I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?

    Not in the age of COVID.

    And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.

    So you do have preferences...no pillbillies, Pentecostals or Tragics. :wink:
  • J72FITJ72FIT Member Posts: 5,611 Member Member Posts: 5,611 Member
    I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.

    ^^^This...
  • nooshi713nooshi713 Member Posts: 4,234 Member Member Posts: 4,234 Member
    Whether something is in someone’s control or not is irrelevant to someone else’s preferences. Just as many men prefer slim women, many women prefer tall men. It is just the way of things. Focus on the people who like you and not the ones who don’t.
  • nooshi713nooshi713 Member Posts: 4,234 Member Member Posts: 4,234 Member
    durhammfp wrote: »
    I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.

    So true. Just swipe past all those folks.

    I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?

    Most people I know met their partner online unless they have been married for a decade. It is difficult to meet through friends when all of your friends are women and only hang out with other women. I met my guy online and he’s amazing.
    edited October 7
  • kittengirl88kittengirl88 Member Posts: 53 Member Member Posts: 53 Member
    I am 5'10, and I've dated guys and gals of all heights. My husband is one inch taller than me. If I'd been a jerk and wanted 6'3" and over, I would've missed out on an incredible person. :)
  • janejellyrolljanejellyroll Member Posts: 24,046 Member Member Posts: 24,046 Member
    lemurcat2 wrote: »
    Yes, as noted above, it's completely common to say only fit or thin people only.

    I think it's because of the differences in getting to know someone first and then dating them vs. meeting to date without knowing the person as a person. Of course you tend to focus on the more superficial things more than if you know you already like someone.

    And if something truly is a deal-breaker, it's good to let people know upfront and not have them waste their time.

    Yes, in my experience when you meet someone off-line, like in a social situation, attraction can often develop more . . . organically. I might start talking to someone, find them interesting, and then realize that their eyes are wonderful or they smell really good. An attraction begins to grow.

    When you're meeting people for the purposes of dating/mating online, the physical seems more immediately important. It feels more important, for many, to feel a spark right away. People generally have less interest in giving an attraction room to grow. There's other people out there that you might feel a spark with, so why not give them a try?

    (Obviously this is just my experience and observations, I'm sure there are many experiences that fall outside of this).
  • Slacker16Slacker16 Member Posts: 1,108 Member Member Posts: 1,108 Member
    If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying... o:)

    Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
    edited October 7
  • janejellyrolljanejellyroll Member Posts: 24,046 Member Member Posts: 24,046 Member
    Slacker16 wrote: »
    If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying... o:)

    Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.

    True in my case, I tend to describe anyone taller than me as "tall" (I'm 5'4) and anyone who is around 6 feet or more as "really, really tall," even if they're 6'1. The men in my family tend to be shorter. I have a brother is who is 5'11 and we all refer to him as the "tall one."
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