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Height-ism?
zamphir66
Posts: 582 Member
in Debate Club
So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
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Replies
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So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
If we look at things through an evolutionary eyesight, a man being taller could have been a sign of good genetics or nutrition. Jmho...4 -
psychod787 wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
If we look at things through an evolutionary eyesight, a man being taller could have been a sign of good genetics or nutrition. Jmho...
Oh, I'm in now way suggesting that a preference for height isn't "real" or that it doesn't make sense in some primitive way. I'm just wondering why it's OK to be overt with that and not with arguably similar things. Such as race. Maybe, hypothetically, I prefer to date within my own race, but I would never say that.7 -
A friend of mine was doing some online dating. She said that many men listed requirements like, "must be slim", or "fit women only". Racial requirements were common, too.
I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.67 -
Online dating is the wild, wild west. One out of two marriages hit the skids under the best of circumstances. When everything is based on outward appearances it really is swimming in the shallow waters. Brains will take you much further than looks ever will. Throw an element of charm and wit in there and you've got it made in the shade.
A good haircut will get you everywhere and if you don't have any hair, give 'em a big wide grin. Show your teeth.
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »A friend of mine was doing some online dating. She said that many men listed requirements like, "must be slim", or "fit women only". Racial requirements were common, too.
I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
OK that's interesting. I'm the only male profile I've looked at, and I would never write anything like that.1 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.15 -
@durhammfp Not so much. No one really answers their phone or wants to talk. It's all about texting and apps. Most of us have to make appointments to visit with family members. Talking on the phone is not their jam.
As for me, I'm kickin' it old school. When you look someone directly in the eye and sit down face-to-face, you can weed through a bunch of malarkey. Facing things head on works in most situations.10 -
I think in online dating, there is value in describing your ideal mate, the type of person you imagine yourself being with. That doesn't mean that one might not compromise in a real life situation where you meet someone who "checks" most of your boxes but has some qualities that aren't necessarily those you imagined in your ideal mate. But when you're looking to connect with strangers in a huge pool, why would you choose to include those outside that group.
I personally don't understand the value of height when seeking a mate, but I probably have some expectations that others don't share. From experiences I've heard from my peers who are still online dating (I met my husband online, but that was fifteen years ago with more primitive technology), even when people don't specifically put things like weight in their criteria, it's still something many are screening for. It just may not be explicitly stated.12 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
So you do have preferences...no pillbillies, Pentecostals or Tragics.
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Yes, as noted above, it's completely common to say only fit or thin people only.
I think it's because of the differences in getting to know someone first and then dating them vs. meeting to date without knowing the person as a person. Of course you tend to focus on the more superficial things more than if you know you already like someone.
And if something truly is a deal-breaker, it's good to let people know upfront and not have them waste their time.9 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
^^^This...
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Whether something is in someone’s control or not is irrelevant to someone else’s preferences. Just as many men prefer slim women, many women prefer tall men. It is just the way of things. Focus on the people who like you and not the ones who don’t.14
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Most people I know met their partner online unless they have been married for a decade. It is difficult to meet through friends when all of your friends are women and only hang out with other women. I met my guy online and he’s amazing.
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I am 5'10, and I've dated guys and gals of all heights. My husband is one inch taller than me. If I'd been a jerk and wanted 6'3" and over, I would've missed out on an incredible person.
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Stop worrying about what stupid people think.15
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Yes, as noted above, it's completely common to say only fit or thin people only.
I think it's because of the differences in getting to know someone first and then dating them vs. meeting to date without knowing the person as a person. Of course you tend to focus on the more superficial things more than if you know you already like someone.
And if something truly is a deal-breaker, it's good to let people know upfront and not have them waste their time.
Yes, in my experience when you meet someone off-line, like in a social situation, attraction can often develop more . . . organically. I might start talking to someone, find them interesting, and then realize that their eyes are wonderful or they smell really good. An attraction begins to grow.
When you're meeting people for the purposes of dating/mating online, the physical seems more immediately important. It feels more important, for many, to feel a spark right away. People generally have less interest in giving an attraction room to grow. There's other people out there that you might feel a spark with, so why not give them a try?
(Obviously this is just my experience and observations, I'm sure there are many experiences that fall outside of this).3 -
CipherZero wrote: »Stop worrying about what stupid people think.
I guess I don't see what is stupid about someone knowing they have a physical "type" and stating it upfront for the purposes of online dating.
I might not SHARE the preference, but does that make someone stupid?
I think it would be stupider not to share relevant information about preferences. If I'm not seeing how I could be happy with a certain type of person, why waste their time and mine? Short and shorter guys deserve to date people who are happy to be with them, not people who are wanting to be with taller people but are too timid to make it known.
If I have a characteristic that would make someone want to opt out of our date as soon as they see me, I'd prefer to have their profile be upfront about that (even if it initially stings, it's got to be better than a date where I'm having to guess what went wrong).14 -
If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.3 -
If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
True in my case, I tend to describe anyone taller than me as "tall" (I'm 5'4) and anyone who is around 6 feet or more as "really, really tall," even if they're 6'1. The men in my family tend to be shorter. I have a brother is who is 5'11 and we all refer to him as the "tall one."4 -
IMO, whatever a person prefers is what they prefer. If you don't fit that criteria, then why care? Isn't the idea of online dating finding the person that actually fits YOUR PREFERENCE anyway? Personally for me, I've stayed within or very close to my race because I've just seen too many issues with couples of different cultural backgrounds clash. I say this anecdotally of course, but over the years many of my clients open up to me about their relationships and the ones that were biracial couple seemed to have the most conflicts when it came to certain cultural values. Not saying that people shouldn't date outside of their race or culture, but for me, the less I have to worry about the better. Relationships are hard enough as it is with just trying to figure each other out emotionally.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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People like what they like.
My daughter for example is pretty tall and occasionally wears heels when “dressing up.” She definitely prefers men who are taller because being with less tall men makes her feel awkwardly tall. I’ve seen her change shoes like ten times before going out because she likes the higher ones but then she feels goofy when wearing them. In her case it’s more about the way she feels about herself.
My mom used to joke that it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich girl as a poor girl. Of course- that didn’t happen lol!!6 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
Surprised with this outlook you don't have women beating down your door to date you.22 -
IMO, whatever a person prefers is what they prefer. If you don't fit that criteria, then why care? Isn't the idea of online dating finding the person that actually fits YOUR PREFERENCE anyway? Personally for me, I've stayed within or very close to my race because I've just seen too many issues with couples of different cultural backgrounds clash. I say this anecdotally of course, but over the years many of my clients open up to me about their relationships and the ones that were biracial couple seemed to have the most conflicts when it came to certain cultural values. Not saying that people shouldn't date outside of their race or culture, but for me, the less I have to worry about the better. Relationships are hard enough as it is with just trying to figure each other out emotionally.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Setting aside the issue of whether it is right or wrong to have certain preferences, the truth is that you're just wasting someone's time if you don't exercise pre-screening based on the factors you KNOW you want in a mate. And you're wasting your own time. I can have the stupidest, pettiest, most shallow, or bigoted expectations possible (this is not directed at any preferences expressed by people in this thread) but it doesn't matter because they're my preferences.
We can argue that I'm morally incorrect or have poor taste or don't truly understand what makes a relationship work or that I'm shallow, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be with who I want to be with. Anyone who falls outside my criteria is likely just going to waste their time if they try to make me change my mind by dating me.
Short guys should be grateful that these women are upfront about what they want. They don't have to be grateful that so many women are writing them off, but they should be grateful that at least it's out in the open and they're not having to waste their time going on first dates with women who just won't be into them. Let's say a guy only wanted to date women with large breasts. I don't have to be grateful for the general social agreement that larger breasts are more desirable than small ones, but I would be grateful not to have my time wasted by dating someone who wasn't going to be truly attracted to me.
18 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
Surprised with this outlook you don't have women beating down your door to date you.
Maybe it wasn't clear, but I'm referring to single women around my age in my rural area. So it's not really an outlook so much as an observation.
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If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
NOT true in my case
I’m 5’11” without shoes and always catch dudes lying about their height. I’ve had guys swear to me in person while standing next to me that they’re 6 feet tall while I’m clearly hovering over them in flats, talk about being in denial, dude if you’re 6 ft then I must be 6’6”! From my experience nearly everyone wants to be taller... I absolutely do not understand why!?!?! I’ve always wanted to be shorter!!! But alas, we cannot choose our height 
Personally I’ve dated both shorter and taller men (both organically and online) and prefer someone with a great sense of humor that makes me laugh I am currently with a guy who is slightly taller than me at 6’1” but more importantly we get along fantastically and it wouldn’t matter to me if he had been shorter, which sometimes he is if I wear platform high heels and am 6 inches taller than him! 
Ultimately I think it’s good that online they state their preferences/requirements up front, that way neither party wastes their time if they are really that particular about it. Maybe they want a tall guy because they want their future children to (possibly) be taller than they are? Maybe they just want someone around to reach things off the top shelves for them? (I always get asked to do this by shorter people when out shopping) I’m not sure, but you definitely want to know right away if height is going to be a dealbreaker instead of finding out about it after you’ve invested time and emotion into the relationship. I wish you the best of luck, there are good people out there, you just have to have the patience to find them! 7 -
Theoldguy1 wrote: »SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
Surprised with this outlook you don't have women beating down your door to date you.
Maybe it wasn't clear, but I'm referring to single women around my age in my rural area. So it's not really an outlook so much as an observation.
Wonder what the single women in your area think about the single guys?
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
Dating during Covid19 hasn't been that bad. When I put on my mask, I go from a 4 to a solid 6... lol
Mine will have to read... must be able to deal with a slightly neurotic, always moving, never missed a gym date, routines, mad man..... so, a Pentecostal might fit the bill... lol12 -
psychod787 wrote: »SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
Dating during Covid19 hasn't been that bad. When I put on my mask, I go from a 4 to a solid 6... lol
Mine will have to read... must be able to deal with a slightly neurotic, always moving, never missed a gym date, routines, mad man..... so, a Pentecostal might fit the bill... lol
I used to live in an area with a lot of Pentecostal woman and I went to a gym where many of them were members. Talk about consistency! They lifted pretty heavy too. They were lifting in ankle-length skirts, but they were there rain or shine. I would be over in the corner with my baby weights while they took care of business.9 -
At the risk of starting a "too hot for MFP" discussion...(...) Personally for me, I've stayed within or very close to my race because I've just seen too many issues with couples of different cultural backgrounds clash. I say this anecdotally of course, but over the years many of my clients open up to me about their relationships and the ones that were biracial couple seemed to have the most conflicts when it came to certain cultural values. Not saying that people shouldn't date outside of their race or culture, but for me, the less I have to worry about the better. Relationships are hard enough as it is with just trying to figure each other out emotionally.
Race and culture are really not synonymous. A Finn and a Spaniard would have much, MUCH less in common than two Americans of which one happens to be white and the other black.
Racial preferences are fine, but they're aesthetic IMO. No different from preferring a certain hair colour... or height.9
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