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Height-ism?
zamphir66
Posts: 582 Member
in Debate Club
So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
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Replies
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So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
If we look at things through an evolutionary eyesight, a man being taller could have been a sign of good genetics or nutrition. Jmho...4 -
psychod787 wrote: »So, I had heard this was a thing, but had not encountered it myself until recently.
A couple of months ago, I decided to dip my toe into the world of online dating. And it didn't take long to see women's profiles where height isn't just a preference, but an absolute (dis)qualifier ("Under 5'10", do not message"; "Must be tall"; "No one under 6' please" etc.).
This strikes me as odd. I could never and would never write something like "BMI < 25 only." And yet, height is completely out of a person's control, whereas weight is not.
I understand we all have preferences. I have preferences. But I like to think none of my preferences are absolute, binary statements. As in, I would never date this particular person because of this one characteristic. I might prefer a slim person, yet I married an overweight person -- because she was funny, smart, creative - basically she checked almost all my boxes, and I try to look at a person in their totality. To put it another way, I might be attracted to X, but that doesn't rule out Y or Z.
In my own profile, I try to imply my preferences rather than lead with them ("looking for someone to go on runs with me..."). I think this is much better.
And I assure you, I write all of this without bitterness. It's more a curiosity of why this form of discrimination is seemingly socially acceptable. Or at least, acceptable in the dimension of online dating.
If we look at things through an evolutionary eyesight, a man being taller could have been a sign of good genetics or nutrition. Jmho...
Oh, I'm in now way suggesting that a preference for height isn't "real" or that it doesn't make sense in some primitive way. I'm just wondering why it's OK to be overt with that and not with arguably similar things. Such as race. Maybe, hypothetically, I prefer to date within my own race, but I would never say that.7 -
A friend of mine was doing some online dating. She said that many men listed requirements like, "must be slim", or "fit women only". Racial requirements were common, too.
I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.67 -
Online dating is the wild, wild west. One out of two marriages hit the skids under the best of circumstances. When everything is based on outward appearances it really is swimming in the shallow waters. Brains will take you much further than looks ever will. Throw an element of charm and wit in there and you've got it made in the shade.
A good haircut will get you everywhere and if you don't have any hair, give 'em a big wide grin. Show your teeth.
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »A friend of mine was doing some online dating. She said that many men listed requirements like, "must be slim", or "fit women only". Racial requirements were common, too.
I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
OK that's interesting. I'm the only male profile I've looked at, and I would never write anything like that.1 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.15 -
@durhammfp Not so much. No one really answers their phone or wants to talk. It's all about texting and apps. Most of us have to make appointments to visit with family members. Talking on the phone is not their jam.
As for me, I'm kickin' it old school. When you look someone directly in the eye and sit down face-to-face, you can weed through a bunch of malarkey. Facing things head on works in most situations.10 -
I think in online dating, there is value in describing your ideal mate, the type of person you imagine yourself being with. That doesn't mean that one might not compromise in a real life situation where you meet someone who "checks" most of your boxes but has some qualities that aren't necessarily those you imagined in your ideal mate. But when you're looking to connect with strangers in a huge pool, why would you choose to include those outside that group.
I personally don't understand the value of height when seeking a mate, but I probably have some expectations that others don't share. From experiences I've heard from my peers who are still online dating (I met my husband online, but that was fifteen years ago with more primitive technology), even when people don't specifically put things like weight in their criteria, it's still something many are screening for. It just may not be explicitly stated.12 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Not in the age of COVID.
And even before COVID, I live in rural Appalachia. Single women my age are generally pillbillies, Pentecostal, or otherwise tragic in some way.
So you do have preferences...no pillbillies, Pentecostals or Tragics.
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Yes, as noted above, it's completely common to say only fit or thin people only.
I think it's because of the differences in getting to know someone first and then dating them vs. meeting to date without knowing the person as a person. Of course you tend to focus on the more superficial things more than if you know you already like someone.
And if something truly is a deal-breaker, it's good to let people know upfront and not have them waste their time.9 -
SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
^^^This...
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Whether something is in someone’s control or not is irrelevant to someone else’s preferences. Just as many men prefer slim women, many women prefer tall men. It is just the way of things. Focus on the people who like you and not the ones who don’t.14
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SuzySunshine99 wrote: »I think it's actually good to know up front if someone is that shallow...it saves everyone from wasting their time.
So true. Just swipe past all those folks.
I was married before online dating became the big thing it it now. Do people not meet through friends, at parties, through shared hobbies/interests any longer?
Most people I know met their partner online unless they have been married for a decade. It is difficult to meet through friends when all of your friends are women and only hang out with other women. I met my guy online and he’s amazing.
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I am 5'10, and I've dated guys and gals of all heights. My husband is one inch taller than me. If I'd been a jerk and wanted 6'3" and over, I would've missed out on an incredible person.
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Stop worrying about what stupid people think.15
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Yes, as noted above, it's completely common to say only fit or thin people only.
I think it's because of the differences in getting to know someone first and then dating them vs. meeting to date without knowing the person as a person. Of course you tend to focus on the more superficial things more than if you know you already like someone.
And if something truly is a deal-breaker, it's good to let people know upfront and not have them waste their time.
Yes, in my experience when you meet someone off-line, like in a social situation, attraction can often develop more . . . organically. I might start talking to someone, find them interesting, and then realize that their eyes are wonderful or they smell really good. An attraction begins to grow.
When you're meeting people for the purposes of dating/mating online, the physical seems more immediately important. It feels more important, for many, to feel a spark right away. People generally have less interest in giving an attraction room to grow. There's other people out there that you might feel a spark with, so why not give them a try?
(Obviously this is just my experience and observations, I'm sure there are many experiences that fall outside of this).3 -
CipherZero wrote: »Stop worrying about what stupid people think.
I guess I don't see what is stupid about someone knowing they have a physical "type" and stating it upfront for the purposes of online dating.
I might not SHARE the preference, but does that make someone stupid?
I think it would be stupider not to share relevant information about preferences. If I'm not seeing how I could be happy with a certain type of person, why waste their time and mine? Short and shorter guys deserve to date people who are happy to be with them, not people who are wanting to be with taller people but are too timid to make it known.
If I have a characteristic that would make someone want to opt out of our date as soon as they see me, I'd prefer to have their profile be upfront about that (even if it initially stings, it's got to be better than a date where I'm having to guess what went wrong).14 -
If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.3 -
If it really bothers you: women are terrible at evaluating a dude's height IRL. Just saying...
Someone should compare the distribution of male height on dating apps with that of the general male population.
True in my case, I tend to describe anyone taller than me as "tall" (I'm 5'4) and anyone who is around 6 feet or more as "really, really tall," even if they're 6'1. The men in my family tend to be shorter. I have a brother is who is 5'11 and we all refer to him as the "tall one."4
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