Does anyone else have Heart Failure here?
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Your description of it as a spiral is so apt. It does sometimes seem more like circling back round again, versus all the hills and valleys we talk about so much.
Maybe if people visualized it that way, instead, it’d help.1 -
yes, a pic that showed it as a spiral staircase helped me - of course, I had to gleefully slide down the banner staircase - more than once!!!
The energy to get back up - stand up and walk forward/upwards again is much harder than the wild slide downwards - lol - so i try to look for the positive in the climbing up...
Just that was a big mental shift in the way I was looking at things. I used to really "mourn" (grieve?) for what I was giving up - things like the social smoking with friends - like 80% - 90% of adults used to smoke. And especially the frequent and EXTRA social eating - all that was fun. Changing that always seemed miserable and I didn't wanna.
The shift came when I wondered - what if I stopped looking at what I was giving up and instead, look at what can happen - what will be awesome, better if I do quit cigarettes, better if I give up the extra eating? Almost like a complete 180 turning the car around and going forwards instead of backwards - beep beep!
ETA - ps - i do wish that knowing this stuff made it magically easy - it does NOT for me - that's where practice & more practice & more practice comes in... until we nail it. Goofing up does not mean we are bad or should quit... it simply means more practice...
I think of it as kind of like learning anything new and difficult - like a triple flip off a high dive board - we start with learning how to get into a pool to swim, tackle new bits and pieces, learn to hold our breath, kick, swim, jump & dive, flip, flop - begin to put it all together - kind of like relearning all bits and pieces of life without the cigarettes NOR the Extra Eating.... still practicing!
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My heart attacks (2) were from stress, over worked, no sleep, stay awake aids like energy drinks & smoking. So…. I’ve cut out energy drinks and smoking and take all my heart meds. Permanent damage to my left side of my heart. So I take several heart medications and gained weight. So now…. Exercise… Eating better… less work and trying for less stress. My EF% is 51. So hoping that comes up by my next visit in a few months.
Hopefully you’re doing well and getting better each day.6 -
springlering62-You’re so sweet. Thank you. I definitely feel more grateful for life in general. Your post reminded me of the Josh Groban song, “You Raise Me Up.” If you haven’t heard it, listen to it. It is a beautiful song. Lol.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJxrX42WcjQ I saw him in concert with a choir. This song gave me chills. Side hug.
Adventurista-Thank you for the well wishes, and for the chart with the explanation! How cool. I haven’t seen this explanation before. Congrats on quitting smoking. High five and well done for your hard work! “Breaking the emotional dependance and replace it with better, healthier coping things.” This is key. It is easier said than done, at least initially. I do want to minimize my bingeing overall. I'm constantly assessing my hunger and fullness cues. I am not fond of sitting with my feelings…My therapist gave me an app “How We Feel” to track my emotions and journal. I am slowly getting the hang of it.
I still have to watch it for mindless eating or being on auto pilot. I used sugar and caffeine to adjust my brain chemistry daily. Now I have many activities to pick from to keep me on the straight and narrow. It is like batting practice, keep going and the more times you do the behavior, we’ll eventually get it. Woo Hoo.
I know HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired) are huge triggers for me. When I am tired, I am most likely to do the wrong thing. I didn’t realize that before. Grief is a tricky one too.
I will now set a goal for transcendence. At times it seems like a wild fantasy, but other people have done it. There is no reason why I can’t, keep making good choices will get me there. I want to build more discipline with consistency. This has been the largest struggle. I realize this is a mental weakness that can be fixed. Some days I get really overwhelmed still. I try to focus on today. How do I want to live in the here and now?
Staying accountable daily is still sometimes a struggle for me. Urrrg. This is the only way I will change. Confronting a variety of issues is keeping me on my toes, for sure. I know I want to be better and keep moving forward. By next November, I am choosing to be a completely different person. I am writing a future self-vision and narrative.
Ejection fraction measures your heart’s ability to pump oxygen-rich blood out to your body. In a healthy heart, the fraction is a higher number. A low number means that your heart has difficulty keeping up with your body’s needs. My EF=24% was very abnormal.
I will be sharing some self-care tools that have helped me immensely in future posts. Take care.
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mcglothlinjo9244-I am glad you are still with us. I wish you better health and happier living. Do take care!0
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Anytime I binge, my therapist recommends I do one of these exercises to gain further insight and to prevent it from happening again. Honestly, overall, this has helped. I learned this in Ed clinic. Hopefully, this can assist someone else.
What is a Behavior Chain Analysis (BCA)?
BCAs give us the chance to explore situations where you engaged in a behavior and process through some of the thoughts you were having, circumstances that may have led to the behavior, and skills you can use in the future.
•What is the PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing?
•What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behavior? (This can be hard to identify, but try your best!)
•What things in myself and in my environment made me VULNERABLE? (i.e. lack of sleep, not taking medications, not following meal plan, substance use, fighting with loved ones, etc.)
Possible LINKS in the chain
Cognitions:
Feelings/Emotions:
Body sensations:
What are the CONSEQUENCES of engaging in this behavior?
Short-term:
Long-term:
What SKILLS can we use in the future? (i.e. minding the consequences, coping ahead, deep breathing, listening to music, watching funny movies/TV/videos, urge surfing, spending time with supportive people)
I hope this gives someone another tool to try...3 -
Thank you @kiteflyer105 .
I've been reading, keeping up, but I have no real help to offer. I've never experienced anything even close to what you're going through. But I'm on your side and pulling for you. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job taking care of yourself. You just keep climbing that mountain.
The post above hit me. I don't keep candy bars in the house--don't eat them by choice. But when I'm tired and not sleeping I reach for the quick and easy, and heck with the healthy. Strangely enough, when I'm upset I binge on broccoli and carrots. That doesn't sound bad, but my family has had bad news on bad news on top of bad news this year. I'm having a hard time getting enough protein, fat, and exercise. I just sit around, depressed, upset, and full of broccoli, carrots and celery.
I'm gonna try to work through the BCA and start doing better.
Let's just keep climbing.5 -
Corina1143-Dr Kristen Neff's website on self-compassion is excellent. There are exercises you can do and meditations. https://self-compassion.org , and she also has a great meditation on self-forgiveness.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhZfCbWv1QA
3 types of emotional eating-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YG6k8gVPndw
Please be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you know how...cyber side hugs.
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You are doing the best you know how
This really strikes home. Life doesn’t come with linear IKEA type instructions, does it?
Sometimes you gotta disassemble to reassemble it correctly.
I’m curious. What does “transcendence” look like to you? What exactly is it?
I’ve always been told to reach a goal, you have to see it and visualize it. I find that hard. Goals ate “happy” or “rewarding” places, and I think for some of us that’s hard, because we don’t feel like we deserve it, or it’s at someone else’s cost.1 -
Even though we are doing the best we know how, it doesn't mean we have to stay there or can't improve. It is showing up for myself and leveling up.
For me, transcendence is to “do the opposite” of what I used to do most of the time. In recovery, it takes 5 whole years to be considered recovered. I was relieved that my therapist in the eating disorder clinic falters every once and awhile; she is human. This makes me feel more normal. She told me I would probably binge again. Most people don’t stop cold turkey. Bingeing is a bad habit like a lot of other things.
I need to assess my feelings, journal, do self-care daily, not get a case of the f*its, and make the wrong choice through excess eating, bingeing, larger portions than needed (on autopilot), mindlessly eating (use mindfulness), spending too much money on too many groceries, buy excess junk food at the Dollar Store or gas station, drink caffeine daily (It is decaf now for my heart.), compulsive shopping, spending more money than my budget allows, etc. I knew bingeing and shopping I used for the dopamine kick.
Learning about the cognitive distortions, using anger management with self-regulation is challenging as new habits to incorporate daily. Sometimes I get completely overwhelmed. I sometimes take a break and move forward. Truly it is a series of new behaviors…specifically knowing I have healthy, positive choices to choose from like: Tapping (EFT with Brad Yates on You Tube), the butterfly hug, podcasts, books, and You Tube videos.
To confront these maladaptive behaviors all at once is difficult. I will be elated when physical therapy is over, so I can concentrate on exercise. To be frank, I was disappointed my shape has not changed that this year. I have been coming back from the almost dead trying to gain more normalcy in my every day life. I wish I just had the dieting as an issue. Finally, I am getting more energy through the CPAP machine. Best of all, my humor came back. Before, I was too sick to have the energy for jokes. I can clean for 20 minutes then I must take a break, repeat this.
I am not buying Christmas gifts and putting the money into savings. This has been harder than not bingeing. I would blindly do the consumer thing and regret this by the credit card balance in January. No more. Jobs come and go too easily now. No one is really safe anymore. Most Americans are one paycheck away and not enough Americans have an emergency fund. I’m not sure why spending is up? Did we not learn anything from covid? This time I will be protecting myself.
For visualization, I was told to write down on paper an ideal scene. Focus on the feelings you want to live out. Write down how do you look, feel, and what are you doing in great detail. Really concentrate on feeling the positive emotions....get excited! Think about this when you get up, at least once throughout the day, and before you go to bed. See it “as if’ it is true. If it is to be, it is up to me. I think knowing your WHY helps to push through the hard times. There are also weight loss meditations you can follow on You Tube. The Honest Guys has a good one.
I think working on self-esteem helps in feeling like you deserve it. I think it is a negative voice (an incorrect one at that) that tells us we are not worth it, or don’t deserve it. This is a lie. I believe most people need to work on self-compassion. I suck at that by the way. I am more like the verbally abusive coach you want to stifle. Instead, “Keep at it”. “You will get it”. You are capable and talented.” Don’t stop.
I think one of the most important things is talking back to the voice that wants you to take it easy (the voice that keeps us mediocre). When I used to walk miles, I used to push through all types of weather and temperatures. My mind, through non-movement, has gotten weaker, my muscles have atrophied, and I certainly don’t like that. I used to be much stronger in certain areas, I need to start at level one. I will be working on my endurance. I miss being active for hours on end. Now, that seems like a fantasy. I know I take myself to the heights/ experiences I want in life--no one else. One step at a time. Progress not perfection. Adulting is about fixing the issue. I know we can do this. It is just a matter of honesty, openness, and willingness. For those of you in a 12- step program, this will look familiar.
Good luck.
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Have you been taking photos?
Body Dysmorphia is a real thing, for me, even years after the initial weight loss.
I shunned photos as an obese person, and throughout my weight loss. The sizes went down but I still saw someone fat, lumpy, round, all the unkind adjectives I could find about myself, in the mirror.
My trainer at the time talked and talked to me about losing “too much” I thought she was out of her mind til she sent me a photo she’d taken of me from behind. I was shocked. I looked like a stick figure drawing.
That was the first time the loss became “visible” to me.
No wonder my kids were so shocked and burst into tears the first time they saw me after several months of weight loss. They honestly thought I was terminally ill.
I wish wish wish I’d had someone I trusted take photos of me throughout the process. I might have been kinder to myself if I had. Photos don’t lie. They show what our brains and eyes can’t or won’t register.
Even now, I have a hard time. I’m having awful inflammation right now, and am up three pounds in two days. My brain says “you’re eating international at a deficit. This doesn’t exist it’s temporary.” Yet my mirror “shows” new belly rolls, thick thighs, thick legs. This always happens, every single time my weight goes up, even when I have a very clear understanding of the source
I feel like such a sham sometimes. I try to cheer and advise people on the boards, but am often such a wreck myself when it happens on my own scale.
When this happens, I have to either ask my husband to take some photos (which he is reluctant to do) or do a gym workout in front of the mirror to prove to myself it’s an illusion.
Your mind will totally *kitten* with you.
Have you been doing photos? Done any measurements (tbh I’ve never done those at all, but they seem to help some folks as much as photos have helped me.)
You are trying so hard and have made so many changes. Your numbers are clearly changing. I can’t believe the Fates of Weight aren’t playing nicely in some visual regard?
Even if there’s not, lease carry on. I hear so much more positives in your posts now versus the beginning!!!!!
Hugs!3 -
Thanks. I had to do an exercise where I took a picture of myself and listed all the things my body has done for me or is doing for me now. Our bodies are more than size and shape. Having an ED since 12 yo, I have a warped perception. This did help change my negative mindset more. Admittedly, I have been too hard on myself at times.
Recently, I have been learning what eating regular foods does to my blood sugars. Some of it has been surprising and shocking. Other foods do what I thought it would do. I get to see my PCP next week about my new positive A1C numbers. I hope to be in the 5's next May '25.
The reality is I was broken down; I have to build myself back up. I want to evolve into a better individual. I have 14 more PT sessions. Then, I will join a gym and water aerobics.
Yes, I try to focus on problem solving. I do feel better than last year at this time. I am honestly grateful for that.
Having heart failure, I can't walk in extreme temps anymore. I like to walk outside better than around a track or a treadmill. It is just deciding out of all the options what I can do and focus on that.
At my heaviest, when I was very ill, I didn't take photos, it was the last thing on my mind. I am thankful I am out of survival mode. Gaining 40 lbs. of water weight was painful.
More energy equals more options. This is something I do not take for granted anymore. I do have measurements written down somewhere. My highest size was 32 and my lowest is 22. I lost 5 sizes. I have a long way to go for the normal size 8-10.
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When I was looking for a place to walk, I found a gym where you walk on the 2nd floor balcony, open to the basketball court below. Preschool kids playing in the morning. Basketball, volleyball, pickleball and judo lessons from 5 to 10. Way more fun watching them than a treadmill.1
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When I belonged to the Y where I used to love, they had that too. Great for winter weather.0
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Hi Hi,
appreciate all the shares!
life, our habits get really set and almost automatic in our responses and thoughts - so changing anything can take practice & more practice...
regarding the question - what does transcendance look like?
i once used to think "lose weight, keep it off forever, not take a bite off this diet again, never 'excess/binge' eat again - that we could just make up our minds to do those big, huge things like make up our mind 1 time then 1 and done... that's it! LOL well, for some things yes... I might choose to never eat liver again - never an issue.... giving up other favorite foods, well that isn't so easy.... and some things have taken multiple attempts over multiple years.
Transcendence for me, is leaving it behind and replacing it with other, better.
-- like quitting smoking, total abstinence happened, but it was a huge struggle, and honestly, I think I reached the 'state of transcendence' at 5 years abstinence.... meaning I was unlikely to revert to the old 'smoking' behavior....
It is not that I never had the urge to smoke again - the urge has recurred unexpectedly, especially in times of acute stress like during the Pandemic, death of a loved one... what not, random out of the blue - almost like I had to learn how to go through that without smoking... and then the urge receeded, but in the transcendence - smoking urge occurred but habit and strength had changed and I talked my brain out of acting on the urge....
I still, now feel, I do not want to smoke anymore - that 'belief/attitude' has generally been extinguished because it was harmful and I want better... It's just coping with the sudden stupid urges that hit. Transcendence is not necessarily never - more like probably not going to happen again..
Although some things are so harmful, i would not put my hand on a red hot stove - so I try to think of smoking and EXCESS/Binge eating as a red hot stove... - I am practicing on replacing that too with better...
for me, the major big things like over hauling our eating difficulties is a bit like untangling a ginormous ball of tangled yarn - we pick at it (1 step, 1 habit, 1 micro bit) and work on it - to leave it behind and replace with better... we can work on multiple things at one time... eventually, we get a lot of things untangled and worked out...
There is another change model that helped me understand - each different line is a thing we are untangling with it's own spiral staircase and banister.... we move up or down the stages of change, learning from our attempts, until we get it, maintain it.... and eventually transcend it...
they can be simple, just 1 or 2 things - or they can be intentional thoughtful consideration every time the urge hits, every time we have a choice in front of us - sometimes we do better, sometimes not.... but we get up, dust off, try more and keep going... i am hopeful.... I choose to hope and believe that I will continue to get better in my eating patterns - and hope we all do! cheers
Example multiple things at a time - but independent, might be working on same time...
- Regular 3 meals, normal times
- include fruit daily
- eat breakfast so don't backload calories to end of day then overeat
- not buy holiday candy day after on sale to keep in house when i can't stay out of it...
- use other non-food things to self-soothe; funny tv or talk with friend, talk here....
- enough sleep.... there's always so many things, there will be more tomorrow, can do more then again, so accept today is done and over... fresh after rest is another chance... no guilt for yesterday, more practice today, and carry on, forward
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Hello. Your post let me think about other things I had not before. Times of acute stress or grief are the hardest for me. Overall, I want to build more fulfillment so the bingeing lessens. Does that make sense? It is good to know I no longer choose to binge daily anymore. I honestly know that is a thing of the past. I have worked to hard to revert. Yet, I need to decrease the frequency and go as long as I can before I have a relapse.
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Nods, yes...
1 of my first morphs in goals was to just have good/binge free hours, meals, days... then more than not...
I would agree the possibility for relapse is out there, same kind of fight/risk as starting smoking again, and would need to go back through stages and withdrawals again,...
But, as we recover, binges should become less frequent, less intense and shorter.... and i hope/believe can reach recovery, even transcendance... that happens as we displace the old response with new better.
Have you worked on relapse prevention plan and/or relapse recovery plans?
I think of recovery plans.... as.... if this happens again, i will try ____ next time, practice that.
If i relapse, crash burn, then my strategy is get up, dust off, resume next regular meal and every day approach. Go back to my basic 'go to' things.
-- i had to release guilt, remorse and trying to fix, compensate or restrict after...
And speak back to negative thoughts, reject the remorse/beat myself up and speak in positive ways to myself... like affirmations, become my own cheerleader... ' i can, i will instead, next time etc... it is so easy to beat ourself up even that becomes stupid habit...
So yes, it's a lot, huh... but we're worth it and hopefully can slow progress or improve our health markers... even the little things help...1 -
Thanks for explaining.
Although, I will admit to being shallow enough to go “oh! Oh! OH!!! Yarn!!!!”2 -
In life situations we are always going to battle our weight. Every day there is an excuse to binge. I have mostly been replacing those with self-care activities. Sometimes it doesn't work, however, I am not bingeing daily anymore and facing my feelings. I still struggle with resistance in journaling. I have not overcome that. It is easier to intellectualize things for sure.
My horrific binges next to nothing and shorter. Overtime I have improved. I see 2 therapists and an ED coach once a week usually. Yes I have been putting together a relapse prevention plan, since graduating the ED clinic. A lot of this is trial and error, hard work, and remaining consistent.
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Sorry for the long reply. My hard drive broke, and I had to get it fixed. Microsoft no longer supported the version I had. So nice of them not to inform the customer of this change. They just want our money. Ugggh.
This December kicked my rear. I was dealing with my shopping compulsive addiction in a way I have never had before. I didn't realize how much I relied on shopping for a daily dopamine hit. I watched a documentary on Netfix...Buy Now! The shopping conspiracy (This was disturbing) how manipulated we are to buy. The amount of trash in the landfills is heartbreaking. Lying to myself and my denial has stopped over this activity. I am out of the insanity of work more, make more, buy more...the stress of the excess belongings is so not worth the temporarily feeling better. Yikes!
This year no presents, tree, etc. I felt like a fish out of water. Honestly, it was bizarre. I am downsizing and turning into a minimalist. Going through my belongings is/ was painful at times. The amount of grief, sadness, and loneliness in doing so was overwhelming. That I could have not have predicted. It was a trigger for bingeing more than I thought. I'm well on my way, yet have a long way to go. In January, I am having a "no buy January".
I have a habit tracker ready to go for 2025. I think it is the easiest to use one of those; otherwise, it is easy to forget day to day what I should be doing. There are so many self-care activities, I lose track.
I am starting my daily accountability again. I was treading water this month. I fell behind and did not get as much as accomplished what I wanted to...I am proud of myself for any progress I have made. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done...learning to be a better adult. Fixing my issues instead of blindly going through life. I was always capable...sometimes I didn't think so...
Goals for the new year,2025, no resolutions:
Squash my wimpy voice and become more boss like.
Focus more on the mental aspects of my recovery.
Increase cardio to X amount of times a week
Do PT exercises at home
Journal what I eat daily
Take medication daily
Use CPAP machine
Score myself on completion of activities, did I win or lose the day? This is the best accountability game.
Eat for fueling my body rather than taste, change my food habits to higher quality nutrition
Continue to learn more about mindfulness, DBT, CBT, and increase healthy coping mechanism tools.
Continue with self-compassion journal
A1C under 6 by September
Walk 5k without sitting down in December 25
Getting through a day with getting more done. Sunday is rest day.
Finish with ED coach
Finish with ED therapist
Finish PT appointments
Weight lift with arm exercises with 2lbs weights (I have to start from ground one.)
Continue with Relapse Prevention Specialist
I know my results are based on the actions that I took.
I wish everyone daily continued success with wherever they are in their journey. Recovery is never linear. My ED therapist reported that my weight will be the last to go...I gained more attributes than just weight lost. I have turned into more of an adult that is facing my character defects. I have improved and feel more energy than I di December 23. I feel like a human being again instead of just existing. Hooray!
My December flew. The Daisy Christmas party went well. We ended up not making Reindeer cupcakes. Boo! They had a Christmas party and ate enough sugar. They made their own muddy buddy mix with Reece's PB cups, nuts, marshmallows. etc. They decorated green painted wood Christmas trees with glitter, sparkly strips of balls, and a piper cleaner to hang it on their tree. We had a fun time, although attendance was down.
Christmas was fun with the family. It was pleasant and enjoyable. No drama. We ate a Swedish Christmas and turkey breast on Christmas Eve. I had my holiday sundae for dessert. This is once a year. We played Golf the card game. I was winning the whole time, which is unusual. My dad came ahead and trumped the last hand. I was bummed. He said, "Thanks for letting me win!" LOL Yeah, right ?!?!?!
For fun, I saw 2 Christmas concerts (symphony and Hometown choir, dancers, and musicians), walked through a Christmas home decoration tour (I only lasted two houses.) Then, I saw "Wicked" and freaked out--a ticket, popcorn, and a drink was $35 (USD)! The leading actresses did a fantastic job with the singing. I hope one wins the academy award.
I come away from 2024 stronger, learning more knowledge, learned healthier coping mechanisms, have more self-love, and having more belief in myself than ever. I am still working on the self-esteem piece. That is a colossal win for me. Without God, none of this would have been possible.
Please keep moving forward for a better life. Will you regret it if you don't? Keep up the good work folks. Work hard to make your dreams come true. Take the best care of yourself. Virtual side hug and high fives.4 -
I forgot to report I had my ICD unit checked. The battery should last another 10 years before I need another surgery. My cardiovascular appointment I had recently, I had improved since last year. I took my lipid panel. Everything was normal except my triglycerides. I will work on those. Last June, when I was sick at several hospitals, I had inflammation, my A1C was over 15! Looking that in black and white is disturbing.
So all in all, I am moving forward, although I am not perfect in every category. This just means, like you, we have new mountains to climb next year. I hope we all feel more well equipped. Stay safe and healthy.2 -
Your plan is thoughtful and doable. Having one even in place is an NSV for sure!
Just as an aside, Marie Kondo’s book was a game changer for me. Stacking everything in the middle of the room, being forced to look at it, decide if it brought me joy or not, and as dumb as it sounds, thanking it, made it so much easier to let go. I got rid of several carloads when I did that and I think it’s time again.
I got an article from a daughter the other day, about how millennials are having issues coping with all their Boomer parents “stuff” after they pass. I told her, the stuff I love is out where I can see it. Many of the drawers and a closet are empty. Basically, she’ll have all the art I’ve collected, my paperweight collection (easy to dispose of) and husbands reenactment and ham radio gear. (Likewise should be easy to dispose of). All that’s left is a massive LOTR collection that should be worth some money, but I’m to the point of being ready to thank it and pass it to someone else who’d care for it. A museum in Wellington wanted to cherry pick it. I might go for that now, whereas before I wanted it all kept together.
The “value” of it is starting to be outweighed by the “burden” of it. That’s all I want. If I can get rid of that, our home will be very empty, closets,utility room, garage, cupboards.
There’s so much stuff my kids have zero interest in. One lives overseas and the other on the opposite side of the USA. Just the logistics of keeping any is ridiculous.
Time for Marie Kondo + a Swedish Death Clean lol.0 -
I’m typing this on the stationary bike and looking at an exercise bench and adjustable weight set I got during the pandemic. Each has been used maybe twice. I hate the Bowflex adjustable weights. The removeable plates are so big, flat and round (like giant heavy pancakes) compared to me that even using small weights means they hit my hips, shoulders etc. I end up bruised when I do try them. So they literally gather dust. The stationary bike, I’ve ridden the bejeebers out of this one, compared to the one that served as a coat rack when I was obese. It def stays.1
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