How much do you tell someone new? (Dating after weight loss

Options
jpd10905
jpd10905 Posts: 43
in Motivation and Support
I haven't completely met my goal weight yet, but I'm starting to date and am using online dating to meet people. No one knows my history, and only sees new, normal size me, and not 335 lb. me. They have no idea that I've lost over 120 lbs.

Now I'm shaken to the core because last night I was having a great conversation with someone new. I like him. He doesn't want someone who is too into their body image, but understandably wants someone who takes care of themselves and exercises regularly. That's me. He likes me back (so far). We talked about his birthday that just passed and lots of other things, and have really good chemistry. So, we made plans to meet for coffee tomorrow. His closing text to me was "Talk to you later. No [birthday] present required. Just show up on Tuesday and don't be 300 lbs! lmao."

What do I do with that??!!!! How much do I tell someone that I just met? How do you say I won't be 300 lbs. tomorrow, but by the way, I was 300 lbs. this past January. I'm having surgery in December to remove the extra skin (that obviously I hid well under clothes), but what do I do about that? Do I tell? How can I feel comfortable with someone new? Do I cancel coffee? He didn't know he was being a complete d-bag....

Opinions and guidance please (especially from men, if possible.) I'm lost.
«134

Replies

  • Diary_Queen
    Diary_Queen Posts: 1,314 Member
    Options
    Oh gosh..... some people never consider the impact when they're just joking. I would say show up, and then if you get to have a moment of private conversation, be honest with him. It's always better to be 120% honest than to have it come up later for some reason..... in my opinion.
  • JeanWalker109
    JeanWalker109 Posts: 220
    Options
    I don't think it's super important to spill all just now. So long as you can hold conversation w/out lying, I'd say only what I'm comfortable with saying. That's just my opinion. Plus, I'd be more stoked to be with someone who finally realized their worth & lost weight to be healthy. That says a lot about a person. I don't find it as a negative. You've just learned to care & respect yourself. Nobody can fault you, or dislike you for that. Again, all my opinion.

    Still, I say just feel it out. See what you're comfortable letting him know. If he's genuine, he'll understand totally - if/when you decide to tell him

    BTW - kudos to you for gettin' back in there & enjoying your life. I think that's so awesome!

    *smiles*

    Jean
  • myurav
    myurav Posts: 165 Member
    Options
    that seems like such a weird note to end on in a text message!

    however, he doesn't know about your situation. maybe just let him know that you used to be bigger and that you're really enjoying being healthy now. i don't think you need to go into too much detail, but maybe he'll be more sensitive in the future.

    i say give him one more chance because it sounded like you guys hit it off the first time. if he keeps making comments like that, then ditch the *kitten* and find someone who wouldn't care if you weighed 300 lbs.
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,293 Member
    Options
    I wouldn't tell him, except if you plan on getting naked :flowerforyou: . You mentioned the extra skin, so if you told him upfront about the weight loss and excess skin, it would not come a a surprise. :embarassed: If you don't plan on getting naked, then no need to tell him anytime soon.
  • jennnny
    jennnny Posts: 65
    Options
    Well....I can see how that comment would hurt your feelings but he of course had no idea. If I were you and you really like him I would let it slide for right now. Wait until you guys get to know each other better and start talking about more intimate details about yourselves. Then you can tell him about your story. That way you don't make him look like a total a**hole right off the bat and you don't put yourself too out there right in the beginning. If you call him out now he might be so embarrassed he'll just retreat. I don't know?? Good luck!
  • wickedcricket
    wickedcricket Posts: 1,246 Member
    Options
    he's a D-bag, do you want to pursue it? Don't go by me, I don't know where I am with this. Guys who chat me up now but used to act like I was invisible.. I just laugh at them - 'as if' no
    One of my MFP friends says 'If he doesn't want you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best"

    I don't cast pearls before swine - I'm telling you now it NEVER works out for the pearls.
  • implodingsporks
    implodingsporks Posts: 27
    Options
    Wow! Of all things for him to say...

    First of all, congrats! That's an awesome amount to lose!

    Second of all, I don't think you should worry just yet. I would first see if it gets a little more serious and where things go with you two. It could start really nice but in a few weeks just kind of fade. You never know.

    But if things progress nicely, I'd just bring it up, when you feel comfortable. Even mention what he said that one time about not being 300lbs, and how that sparked your thought on what to say and when. You can go through the whole thing with him and how you lost weight to better yourself. If he has such an issue with that, he's really not worth it. The past shouldn't matter, especially since it's not a past that could affect him in any way.

    And a side note: Him saying that was kind of a little rude. I know he probably meant it as a joke, but I think jokes like that are just not so funny. So maybe you explaining this all to him will change his outlook...and attempts at jokes!
  • virginiejaubin
    virginiejaubin Posts: 497 Member
    Options
    Hi! Just to say I went on your profdilew and saw the before and after pics...damn you look amaizing! congrats on all those lost pounds!
  • russelljclarke
    russelljclarke Posts: 836 Member
    Options
    I'm a man, so I hope I qualify to give advice.

    Firstly, a lot of men don't engage brain before opening mouth, so in all likelihood it was just a flip comment that means absolutely nothing at all.

    Secondly, 300lbs is pretty much spot on, so maybe he knows somehow. if that's the case, and he's still seeing you, he doesn't care. Win!

    Thirdly, if he's worth his salt, when he does find out he should be impressed. If all he can focus on is a few scars, kick him to the kerb and find someone less shallow.

    Lastly, do you have to tell him straightaway? Maybe you won't want to leave it too long, but at the outset probably not.

    HTH
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,293 Member
    Options
    he's a D-bag, do you want to pursue it? Don't go by me, I don't know where I am with this. Guys who chat me up now but used to act like I was invisible.. I just laugh at them - 'as if' no
    One of my MFP friends says 'If he doesn't want you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best"

    I don't cast pearls before swine - I'm telling you now it NEVER works out for the pearls.

    This is a little harsh. If he saw your pic, he thinks it is current and is saying you don't look that bid in your pic, unless you are lying.
  • mea9
    mea9 Posts: 561 Member
    Options
    I’m a little put off by what he said. What a weird comment. I guess my question is are you OK with that? I'd tell him and find out what his VALUES are before you spend too much more time.
  • soonersgirl
    soonersgirl Posts: 254 Member
    Options
    i don't think i could be with someone who wouldn't have been with me before the weight loss.......
  • KMSForLife
    KMSForLife Posts: 605
    Options
    I say share it. I think it's an important part of what makes you who you are today. You have accomplished so much and should be proud to shout it from roof-tops! If the relationship is meant to be than he will congratulate you and look at you for the hero that you are. Don't hide - you've come too far for that.
  • Soooze
    Soooze Posts: 122 Member
    Options
    Here's my 2 cents.
    First off, congrats on your weight loss! You look fabulous! And you must feel great!

    I think if you like this guy, go out for coffee Tuesday. Wait after a few more dates, until he reaalllly likes you and then tell him the news. Judge by his reaction if he's worth it or not. He doesn't need to know this soon in a relationship but once you know him better and you know how you feel around him, you'll know if you're comfortable enough to tell him or even show him.

    Have fun! This is about the new you!
  • getsveltEagain
    getsveltEagain Posts: 1,063 Member
    Options
    I did online dating... most of the time the pictures are not accurate and so that text message was purly aimed at that.

    I would say tell him within the first couple of in person dates. But when the topic naturally goes to health. Like if you talk about how much you exercise or what "diet" you are following to stay healthy. I actually told my guy that I use MFP and that I probably would for a long time because I don't plan on gaining the weight back. He accepted that and we are happy now.

    But if you don't think that you two have the inperson chemistry, don't spill you beans to him. There is no need for him to know :wink:
  • ronnimae
    ronnimae Posts: 2
    Options
    First of all, congrats on your weight loss! And second, I'm married and haven't been in the dating world for nearly ten years so I guess I'm rusty, but I'm a big fan of honesty. I would probably just bring up the message and explain why that was possibly a little insensitive. Don't be accusatory, he didn't know, but I would probably bring it up. I don't know. That's just me.
  • philOHIO
    philOHIO Posts: 520 Member
    Options
    You don't tell somebody you just met. Enjoy the date and bring it up only if the subject arises. It is quite an accomplishment and something you should be proud about, but I don't think it should be a conversation starter. JMO, good luck!
  • Emdog24
    Emdog24 Posts: 81 Member
    Options
    One - congrats on the 120 lb weight loss - that is amazing! Two - I've had similar issues related to what do I tell people about the "old" me and how to explain why I didn't date anyone for years! I was on a date with a guy (I think it was our second) who happened to be a part time personal trainer. We were talking about exercise routines, etc. and he has me if I'd always been fit/healthy - in my mind I was FREAKING out, thinking that he must "know" about me or something. So I kind of downplayed the whole thing and well since college I've really tried to make more of an effort bla bla bla. Turns out the reason he asked me was because he himself had been overweight and started on his own health journey and that's how he got into personal training! Sometimes you never know!
  • russelljclarke
    russelljclarke Posts: 836 Member
    Options
    Hi! Just to say I went on your profdilew and saw the before and after pics...damn you look amaizing! congrats on all those lost pounds!
    Golly I agree!
  • TS65
    TS65 Posts: 1,024 Member
    Options
    If you aren't comfortable enough to communicate openly with someone about your past, present and future, that's a BIG HINT... move on.

    He may not have meant to be a *kitten*, but he's let you know up front. You already know he's not going to be accepting of how you were regardless of how you are now. The thought that you could go back there will always plague someone like that.

    The truth of the matter is this... If he were the right person, you wouldn't have to worry about telling about your past. When I met my husband, I was comfortable enough (for the first time EVER) to be upfront and forthright about EVERYTHING. When it's right, you'll know.

Categories