Relationship advice

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Mallory0418
Mallory0418 Posts: 723 Member
in Chit-Chat
I need some opinions...

I don't really know what to do anymore. Lately, since I really started having success with my weight loss, my husband does not seem interested in me... We've been married for about 2 1/2 years and the first 8 months were spent apart (he's in the Military). As I have been losing weight, I'm starting to feel a lot better about myself and I can honestly say I am happy now! I can't say I'm completely happy because I don't know what went wrong with us. There is VERY little affection in our relationship anymore. I'll get a quick peck on the cheek or lips every now and then but very little more than that. No passion what so ever. Normally, I would keep this issue between the two of us, but I've talked with him several times about this and he just keeps telling me "Nothing's wrong" and "I know I need to work on it", but then continues acting like he doesn't want much to do with me. And I don't know anyone around here so I'm getting a little desperate.

I don't want him to feel like it's all his fault. I'm not the perfect wife, but I have been trying really hard to make him happy. It's getting exhausting and I'm feeling myself becoming less motivated to keep trying. I had to uproot myself when we got married and move across the country where I don't know anyone to be with him. And now to have it be like this after barely 2 years of finally being together, I hate to say that it's making me a little resentful.

I knew things would get less...exciting...as we got older, but I'm only 23!! I read on these threads all the time how people say things like, "If he doesn't seem interested in you, that means he's not" and "If he wanted it, he would make it happen". I tell the same thing to girls who are trying to get with a guy who's not committing! I'm afraid he's not attracted to or interested in me anymore. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know how to fix it! Any advice or input would be appreciated but I would really love to get a guy's perspective on what could be going on...
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Replies

  • cppeace
    cppeace Posts: 764 Member
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    I'm so sorry thing seem to be going south honey. Maybe he is just stressed or something right now. All you can do is try and if he won't talk about it or contribute something is def wrong. Follow your instincts and don't stay in a realtionship where you are unhappy for too long.
    Wish I could hug you
    Kimmy
  • essjay75
    essjay75 Posts: 77 Member
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    I too am a military wife, and found amazing success with Tony Robbins Ultimate Relationship Program-even though I was the only one doing it, and applying what I learned. It literally saved my marriage.
  • Runner_mick
    Runner_mick Posts: 115 Member
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    I am hoping he is not cheating but maybe some couples counseling would benefit you both. Get to the root of the problem. I am kind of in the same boat with my relationship and trying to work on the physical aspect of it. Good luck
  • fionat29
    fionat29 Posts: 717 Member
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    Could he perhaps be worried about how attractive you are getting to be, to other guys?? Maybe he's worried that you losing weight will mean you're going to go off with someone else. Try reassuring him that you're not going anywhere, that losing weight is for your health and happiness and no other reason.
  • mamafrahm
    mamafrahm Posts: 132 Member
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    Maybe it isn't that he isn't attracted to you, maybe that he doesn't find himself attractive? I'm guessing that since he's in the military he is in pretty good shape, but maybe he's feeling unworthy of your hotness? Intimidated, maybe?
    Sometimes you have to grab the bull by the horns..... If you want it, go get it!!! If he STILL doesn't want anything to do with you, then I'd say you have a problem and should seek counseling.
  • Degator
    Degator Posts: 92 Member
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    Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray and/or The 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. Both books deal with this kind of problem, sure wish I had read them before she left.
  • sarah_ep
    sarah_ep Posts: 580 Member
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    There are so many things that can cause this. He said he "needs to work on it" but what exactly is he working on or having problems with?
  • acraft83
    acraft83 Posts: 10 Member
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    I was a military wife, moved 16 hours away at just 17 years old, etc. I went through weight gains and losses with my husband. I know that one issue he had was that he felt like I lost and was looking great when he was deployed, but then when he came back I would gain it back. This was true and for a number of reasons....we go out to eat when he's home, I'm cooking full meals for two instead of a sandwich or something equally as low calorie if it's just me, etc. Thus, I think he began to wonder why I wanted to lose the weight, he wasn't benefiting from it, etc, I explained why it was easier to lose with him gone and some of the insecurities were silenced. However, that may not be his issue at all. My first husband passed away and I have remarried, like yourself we've been together for 2.5 years. I think it is natural for men to look at us are more of their best friend, a constant in their life, someone who will always be there after a short time of being married to us. These things can be great, except if they forget that we are their bff's and their wives and we need the romance, passion, affection that a normal bff does not. Keep working at it! Also, the military will keep deploying him, giving him short field exercises where he's gone for short spurts, etc. This is something you can't help, so use it! Make those periods times of absence where the heart grows fonder. Knock his socks off with new lingerie when he gets back, visit him on base for lunch unexpectedly, new hair do, etc!
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    First off, forget the "he's just not that into you" crap! This is your husband we are talking about. He would not have married you if he didn't love you. Secondly, have you really talked to him about why you have chosen to lose weight. Some men kind of think that if you make a change during the course of your relationship that it is because of another man. I'm not saying that is what he thinks, but you might just clarify with him your reasons for the weight loss. You also might want to "put the moves on him" so to speak. You know, women don't always get in the mood easily, unlike men. They have to put a lot of effort into turning us on. Sometimes they get tired of having to make the effort. Sometimes they like to feel wanted.
  • GeauxDonielle
    GeauxDonielle Posts: 145 Member
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    I can't comment with help on military part. When I start losing weight- I wanted more s3x ;) from him and became more confident and stding my ground things started going that way for us top we also just hit the 2yr wedding anniversary mark. We talked over whether it was insecurity issues or something else. Turned out to be mostly insecurity

    Qoute:? Maybe he's worried that you losing weight will mean you're going to go off with someone else. Try reassuring him that you're not going anywhere, that losing weight is for your health and happiness and no other reason.
  • Mallory0418
    Mallory0418 Posts: 723 Member
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    There are so many things that can cause this. He said he "needs to work on it" but what exactly is he working on or having problems with?

    Exactly my question. I don't know what the problem is! He says he knows he needs to "make more of an effort". Don't get me wrong, we still get along fine and have a good time together. But that's all there is, it feels like we're roommates/buddies. I love that we are such good friends but that's not all I want out of a relationship.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
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    TALK TO HIM. We are not mind-readers. There has to be something on his mind that pulls him away.

    There could be some underlying stress that he doesn't want to lay on you. Has he seen action? May he be experiencing PTSD? You will not know unless you ask.

    Remember that attraction goes beyond looks when you are married. Maybe between the two you are becoming complacent with your relationshuip. Are you spending enough time together. Do you ask him to work out with you? Are you having "us" time?

    There is a great book out there I suggest to both of you...The 5 Languages of Love. Great easy read...resinstills the knowledge you already have, but brings forth where you may be complacent.

    Lastly, if he doesnt want to work on the relationship...its because he's already left it. Painful to accept, but an honest truth
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
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    I'd be talking about leaving. I know it's drastic for most people, but that's the way I am. What I've found is that when I do this, my partner begins to find our relationship important again. Unfortunately for my partners, I wasn't saying it to elicit a reaction. I really meant it. Use this knowledge wisely. The sole purpose of a relationship *for me* would be for love and affection. I also refuse to deal with someone who is knowingly hurting me, but can't be bothered to do something about it.

    ETA: Was/is your husband in combat? My advice above does not apply to people who are going through some kind of trauma. That always takes first place in a person's psyche. See if he's ok. My friends who've come back are not okay a lot of the time. I can't imagine how some of them can function here after the things they had to do over there.
  • JanaH22
    JanaH22 Posts: 10
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    Why dont you have a date night? Both of you can dress up and go out for a nice romantic dinner where he might be a little more open about his emotions.
    Dont push him to be open though. Just let him know that you are aware things have changed and that you are sure he has noticed the difference in your relationship from when you were first together. Tell him you would appreciate his honesty and that you understand he will need to open up to you when he is ready. Then give him time. I guarantee he will spill whats been on his mind much sooner than you think.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
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    maybe due to some job related stress he's not able to perform to his best abilities.... Was he always a go getter if you know what I mean? Has the satisfaction just recently waned? I would definitely talk with him and see if he's willing to talk with another professional. You say he's in the military did he deploy? The issue probably has nothing to do with you. It's just you that is having to deal with it. Hold your head high, keep doing what you're doing, and try to get to the root of the issue. At 23 things shouldn't be slowing down unless you've got like 8 babies running around or something...

    As my Mom once told me, "Marriage is the hardest job you'll ever have." It takes two to make it work and definitely it's important to have a physical as well as emotional bond. How's the other stuff? Is he talkative? Is he friendly? Do you do stuff together?

    I have a friend who never gets any from her man. Seriously once a year. It seems to be what he's into. IDK I have the opposite problem at my house. LOL. She goes back and forth with the issue but they've been married almost 10 years now so it can't be that bad. I hope that isn't your issue.

    You hang in there and you'll know when you know, if you know what I mean.
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
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    There could be a million reasons why he is acting this way, it doesn't have to be another woman, it could be something physical that he is embarrassed about or maybe you said something without realising it that he found hurtful (I did that once and am still paying for it on occasion)

    All you can do is keep asking why he doesn't want to make love any more. Tell him that no matter what the reason is you need to know. That it is not being fair because, if you knew what was wrong you could at least make an informed decision on what to do to resolve the situation.

    Having said that men can be dumber than mud when it comes to relationships so I wish you luck.
  • sarah_ep
    sarah_ep Posts: 580 Member
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    There are so many things that can cause this. He said he "needs to work on it" but what exactly is he working on or having problems with?

    Exactly my question. I don't know what the problem is! He says he knows he needs to "make more of an effort". Don't get me wrong, we still get along fine and have a good time together. But that's all there is, it feels like we're roommates/buddies. I love that we are such good friends but that's not all I want out of a relationship.

    Been through this as well, and around the same time period (actually sooner). Once again, there are some many causes and reasons why this can happen. Offer to work with him on his problem, what can you do to help him through it. If counseling is needed then go. You really can't do much till you know what the problem actually is. Making or pondering assumptions/theories will only make your imagination go to dark places and cause unnecessary fret or pain.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    ETA: Was/is your husband in combat? My advice above does not apply to people who are going through some kind of trauma. That always takes first place in a person's psyche. See if he's ok. My friends who've come back are not okay a lot of the time. I can't imagine how some of them can function here after the things they had to do over there.

    This is a good point here. My friend's husband has PTSD and it has affected their sex life.
  • Mallory0418
    Mallory0418 Posts: 723 Member
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    I started an "tradition" for us in an attempt to rekindle the romance: Date night once a week. It's a nice change but it's been 2 weeks any he's already tried to cancel once. And I tell him all the time how lucky I am to be with him and that he's stuck with me... As much as I feel more confident about myself, it is still a little hard for me instigate "us" time. The last time I tried, he got annoyed and now I'm afraid to ever try again. I told him it was fine when he realized he hurt my feelings but inside, the rejection really hurt and made me feel like something was really wrong with me.
  • ThePhoenixRose
    ThePhoenixRose Posts: 1,985 Member
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    i'm going through this same thing right now, minus the military part. i want him, he pushes me away, both literally and figuratively. It sucks...

    i don'w have any answers for you, other than if you get the feeling something's not right, it's probably not. Unfortunately. We're starting counseling next thursday. i'll let you know how that goes...

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