Child-Free? Negativity from others?

I was the same way, and people did the same thing to me. I saw it the other way around, too. Unless you want a child for the right reasons, it would be selfish to do it because society says you should. There is no law out there that says all women MUST bear child. LOL. HOWEVER, I ended up pregnant and I LOVE my little girl more than life itself and I am so glad she is here. BUT, that does not change the fact that I am planning on stopping at one child. Guess what??? People do the same damn thing when they hear you are only having one. "You are not going to give her a sibling? That is so sad!" So I am selfish for that reason, now. I want to give my daughter the world, and I feel I only have it in me to do it all once. I feel that I would be spread to thin and would be a horrible mother if I had more than one, but I am a stellar mother to my girl. That doesn't sound to me like I am being selfish, but the other way around.

Its all bull****--because these choices are PERSONAL and YOUR OWN (unless, of course, these people that flap their gums with the unsolicited opinions are gonna pay for your prenatal care, breastfeed your baby, pay its way through school, and get up in the middle of the night, too). If that is the case, then maybe they can have a say, otherwise, its your life and nobody has anything to say about it and the choices you make for living it but you.

I am child free because of a health condition, then we did not have the money to adopt, and I people still give me attitude about it. I got a tubal ligation so I would not have to face having an abortion, because there is no choice for me, neither I or the baby would likely survive. Not worth the risk. But, people still judget. Somedays it breaks my heart. But, I love my life the way it is, and I am happy with what life has handed me. Maybe I was not meant to be a parent in this life, and I have come to terms with it. I make no apologies for it.

Don't feel that you have to justify your decisions to anyone. I have several friends who made the decision not to be parents. And I do know people who became parents who had no business reproducing because they are not raising their children.

I have nothing for respect for the fantastic parents out there, and at the same the same respect for people who know that parenthood is not for them.

Heh. I got married in June and that was the first thing people were asking about / hoping for. We're in our mid thirties and we haven't firmly decided not to have kids. We just decided that we shouldn't have them right now. I'm the breadwinner with a heck of a commute. He's a full-time college student, thanks to the post 9/11 GI bill. We weren't able to take a honeymoon because of his school schedule and because we recognized that we simply couldn't afford it.

If we were to have kids right now, either I'd have to take time off from work, which is bad since I'm the only one with a job, or he'd have to adjust his school schedule. He's currently a candidate for the academic honor society at his school and we might need to rely on scholarships to get him into grad school. I'm going to school part-time in addition to working. I barely have time or energy to cook dinner some days. Daycare is too expensive and we don't have family nearby to help out. I would love a family, but now isn't the right time.

So I ask people (most especially the pushy ones) to tell me why I'd want to have a child that I would struggle financially to raise or would have to pawn off on other people to raise and be too tired to see so that I could go to work. Granted, it can be done. Single moms have been making due (and doing without) for years. I have a choice not to do it and that's the choice I'm exercising for now.

Maybe once he's done with school, has a decent job, and I can afford to take time off to care of a family, maybe we'll have one. For now, it's me, he, and a very well-loved dog.

I was the same way, and people did the same thing to me. I saw it the other way around, too. Unless you want a child for the right reasons, it would be selfish to do it because society says you should. There is no law out there that says all women MUST bear child. LOL. HOWEVER, I ended up pregnant and I LOVE my little girl more than life itself and I am so glad she is here. BUT, that does not change the fact that I am planning on stopping at one child. Guess what??? People do the same damn thing when they hear you are only having one. "You are not going to give her a sibling? That is so sad!" So I am selfish for that reason, now. I want to give my daughter the world, and I feel I only have it in me to do it all once. I feel that I would be spread to thin and would be a horrible mother if I had more than one, but I am a stellar mother to my girl. That doesn't sound to me like I am being selfish, but the other way around.

Its all bull****--because these choices are PERSONAL and YOUR OWN (unless, of course, these people that flap their gums with the unsolicited opinions are gonna pay for your prenatal care, breastfeed your baby, pay its way through school, and get up in the middle of the night, too). If that is the case, then maybe they can have a say, otherwise, its your life and nobody has anything to say about it and the choices you make for living it but you.

this!!!

OP, I don't think you are selfish at ALL for not wanting to have kids. I know some people that think you aren't complete unless you pro-create. I'm sorry, I have to disagree; I love my life. I have a wonderful husband, whom I have been married to for 18 years. My parents have been married for 45 years, so it's not a case of coming from broken home that makes me not want children. It just wasn't for me. And I think it's a lot more common with the "Generation X" crowd. I know that when I look around at my close group of friends, it's almost an even split of those who have/don't have kids. You would never have seen that a couple generations ago.

Great responses from all! I personally have waffled from definitely do NOT want to maybe if I'm with the right person and we both want to, etc. As a result of my last relationship where my ex talked about our having kids as being a foregone conclusion and my not constantly pointing out that I am not positive I want that, I really had to sit myself down and think things over and...while I love children (most of the time) and do think having half my DNA make up another person would be a mindeff in an amazing way, I just don't think I really want to be a PARENT: I don't want that responsibility, I don't want to (rightfully so) put someone else first for at least 18 years, I don't want to worry about ruining them, or passing on my brain chemistry (simple things in life have been a real challenge at different times), etc. But mostly, when I give thought to the two different lives this is what I come up with: sure, without kids I might occassionally pine and feel sad but that's what biology and evolution have conspired to make me feel, it's part of the survival of our species (though evolution has not caught up to human civilization, but that's a whooooole other topic) but I would be able to do the things that set my soul on fire. With kids, I would LOVE them and be happy with them but there would ALWAYS be something missing that wouldn't be without kids.

As far as people's reactions and judgements, it's ****ty but it's not entirely their fault: most people feel an overwhelming urge to procreat because of the things I've mentioned above, and that's okay. Because of a number of reasons, people like you and I don't feel the same, and that's okay too. I am also an atheist and get some flack about that but basically I feel that the more threatened someone is by a lifestyle that is different than their own, the LESS secure they are in their own lives--what a pity. That doesn't excuse ignorance and nosiness, so I will include a link to an article that addresses this BRILLIANTLY: enjoy!

http://galadarling.com/article/i-dont-want-children-am-i-a-freak-why-wont-everyone-leave-me-alone

I preach to my two youngest that there is no "rule book" that states you have to get married, or that you have to have children in life to be happy and successful!

My oldest on the other hand seems to think nothing of going and being fruitful and multiply ( he is 22 and has three babys from three different baby mommas) I love my grand daughters they are awesome and bring me a lot of joy!

I often get judged because if I knew now, what I didn't understand 22 years ago and 9 months, I would of opted for sticking with the four legged babies!

I love my children deeply and would do anything with in reason for them, but if I had a redo I would of opted for a childless life! I am sure there are a few others out there who feel the same way I do, but are afraid to admit due to the harsh judgement from others! People shouldn't be so quick to judge. Sometimes if people could walk in someone elses shoes they would understand, this applies to several things!

You are the only one that can answer what you want in life. You should not be judged for it.

If it's easier after you get sterilized, just tell people you simply can't have children. They don't need to know it was your choice!

Best wishes~

I seriously love honesty like this! :flowerforyou: My grandmother had 5 kids. I remember one time her telling me, I love my kids, every one. But if birth control had been as easy to come by then as it is now, I would have stopped at 2! Granny rocked!

haha, I just saw your most recent post in the thread...the experience of pregnancy was realtively horrific for me. that said, I was always wishy washy about whether or not I wanted children, but eventually decided that I did. now I have one son, 5 years old and he's awesome. i would like to have more, but consider adoption because of how difficult my pregnancy was. but...in response to your first post, a absolutely have a friend who insisted she was never having children who actually did change her mind when she was in her early 30's. So...I don't know how old you are, but might you consider waiting at least until you are out of prime child bearing years just in case you do change your mind?

I'm child-free and I plan to adopt older children some day, once I have established a nice career for myself.

Where I live, it's pretty unheard of to be my age (27) and not only never been married but have no children. I can't wait to move somewhere that waiting until your mid to late thirties for kids is the norm.

I never thought that I wanted pregnancy, but lately I've thought that I may be ready for that step in about 10 years, even though I mostly want to adopt older kids, probably in my 40's or 50's. Time will tell, and there is no rush, especially since I've never really wanted pregnancy, so if it doesn't happen for me, I won't be sad.

I'm ridiculously pro-choice about children. Have them or don't, but do it on YOUR TERMS only.

^^^ Same here. May adopt someday, but we'll see.

I'm perfectly happy being child-free at the moment- my husband and I travel around the world, do whatever we feel like doing when we feel like it.... and people would LOVE for me to give that up to have a child. Why? Not like they would help me take care of it. I don't have family to watch the kids like some do. I can't just drop the kids off at the grandparents when I feel like going out. Not an option. So yeah, we've thought long and hard about it and still are.

I always get the 'When are you having kids?'. I just say maybe never. That shuts them up. Although my friends grandma who I haven't seen in years - first thing she said to me is - 'You don't have kids yet? What's wrong with you?' That kind of blew me away, but I didn't want to get into it with her since I was at her granddaughters' funeral who had a ****ty life because her parents were drug addicts who eventually got her on drugs too and she ended up committing suicide. And she asks what's wrong with me? Um I just walked away. I don't get the mentality that 'everyone' must have kids- even poor people and drug addicts. I'm not in that category, but I sure believe I have a choice.

My hubby and I don't have kids either...well we have three 4-legged ones...lol! For us, if it happens then great, but otherwise we aren't trying to having kids our lives are full as is.

Same here, my husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, no kids but we have two dogs. The dogs keep us plenty busy. We have the same thought, "if it happens great, but we're not trying". We are perfectly happy with our life the way it is. For some reason recently we've been getting a lot of grief from friends to "just do it, you'll be great parents, you'll resent each other if you don't have kids, you can't wait forever, etc". Bottom line is, its your life and nobody else is going to live it for you, so do what you know is best for you.