Honest Question - Men & strip clubs

I'm not doing something I know would hurt my spouses feelings, make them feel uncomfortable, or insecure.

If strippers make you feel insecure and hurt your feelings, then I feel really really bad for you. And you might want to talk to someone about what you can do to improve your self-esteem.

Trust me, It wouldn't hurt my self esteem. I'm better, and stronger than that. Doesn't mean it won't hurt who I love. Nor, would I want it to. If people didn't have that kind of reaction to it, it probably wouldn't be that big of an issue.

I would hate for my husband to go to a strip club, because I am a maniac with self esteem issues since I gained weight and don't feel comfortable with my husband looking at other younger, better looking, thinner, fitter, naked women, but I don't care what my friends husbands do it they are OK with it, why are you asking us about what we think about your FRIENDS partner doing something? I know women who are happy to be with men they know have affairs, men who dress in womens clothes, men who have sex with strangers in toilets etc,, but if they are happy with that, then fabulous, as neither is hurt by it, but I would not want my husband to do those things.

All I'm saying is that his friends can choose another bar. And yes, it does. Some sort of sexual enjoyment from both...Its the same thing. Also, there may not be any sort of lap dances going on..but it clearly still bothers his woman or she wouldn't be asking for advice. If h e respected her, he wouldn't do it.

Do you masterbate? Cheating?

Some derive sexual feelings from eating chocolate. Cheating?

I"m not paying to do either. I'm not doing something I know would hurt my spouses feelings, make them feel uncomfortable, or insecure. Also, the feelings you get from chocolate are a natural reaction. Those natural reactions aren't something you can physically help. Paying for a woman, or a man? You can totally help that. Paying for a woman to be used in any sexual way is wrong. Would it be cheating if you wanted her to do it with out paying? Of course. Just because money is involved does not make right. You wouldn't appreciate if your woman had a man rub his member in her face...would you?

What if a wife hires some young boy to mow her lawn (literally) and she gets off on that? Cheating? Your definition seems to change here. What if your spouse DID get their feelings hurt by you going to a male strip club? Still cheating?

You made me giggle at the (literally). If she couldn't help getting off at watching someone mow her lawn then that woman needs a little love ( if you know what I mean). Do I think its cheating? Can be. If she knew it was going to happen and she still chose to watch him,then that depends on how far the "Watching" went.. But there is a pretty wide line between fantasizing about someone and paying for them to do you any sort of sexual favor. And if my spouse did get hurt by me going to a male strip club, then yes it is cheating. Its still cheating if he didn't get hurt. I am going to a place to get sexual satisfaction from a REAL person. This isn't porn. This is an actual physical human being standing only feet from you. I don't think my definition changed, I just don't know if what I was saying was as clear as it should have been.

I haven't derived any sexual satisfaction from getting a lap dance. The lack of a wet spot and involuntary convulsions are tesimony. Aroused? Sure. Orgasm? Nope. I ain't that easy.

I'm glad you and your husband have that understanding. But I don't think you and I would be a good match. I would feel that I'd get the stink eye for even glancing at some good looking woman out of fear of hurting your feelings.

What do you think of Men that frequent strip clubs? Let's say, Guy in question has friends that work at the club, friend's wives/SOs that work at the club. So he goes frequently, stating it's no different than any other bar...

Discuss. This is an honest question. I need an outside perspective to figure out my own feelings about it *LOL*

Eventually he will pay money for sex...or he already has. Unless he happens to have the strongest willpower on the planet.

Interesting. I've been to many strip clubs, and yet, not once have I paid for sex. I guess I possess the strongest willpower on the planet.

Same here...no big deal apart from costing a whole lot of money long term if going quite often...

My first husband was the type to go to strip clubs, I didn't mind and he ended up cheating. This time I was careful to find a guy who wouldn't want to go to a strip club. Now, I want to make a point that in my younger days I did go to a male strip club once, where the guys strip. They still had all their clothes on and what you saw wasn't anymore than what you see on a beach. My friends and I had a blast, hooting and hollering. It was just a fun night with the gals and we never went again. I see nothing wrong with it as long as everyone in the relationship is cool with it and it isn't behind anyones back. Also, I don't think most people who work in strip clubs are willing to have sex for money. Isn't that prostitution?

Thats the thing, I don't mind if he looks at other women...I mean....he isn't dead!! That would be just plain mean! I DO have a problem with the lap dance part. You admitted you get sexually aroused. Yes, of course you can do that by looking at something, but you let her touch you in a very sexual manner. That is crossing the line.

I don't think that makes any sense. Lapdances are somehow "crossing the line" but involuntary sexual arousal from other things is fine? And you don't think having an issue with lapdances is related to your own self-esteem?

Well as long as you know where your line is, and communicate that, I guess it's all that matters. I know first hand that these thoughts and feelings aren't always rational.

Thats the thing, I don't mind if he looks at other women...I mean....he isn't dead!! That would be just plain mean! I DO have a problem with the lap dance part. You admitted you get sexually aroused. Yes, of course you can do that by looking at something, but you let her touch you in a very sexual manner. That is crossing the line.

I don't think that makes any sense. Lapdances are somehow "crossing the line" but involuntary sexual arousal from other things is fine? And you don't think having an issue with lapdances is related to your own self-esteem?

Well as long as you know where your line is, and communicate that, I guess it's all that matters. I know first hand that these thoughts and feelings aren't always rational.

Well, some people's line is past even having sex with other people-- I've known couples who "swing," and they might say that you're being insecure by demanding that your spouse only have sex with you, or only have oral with you, or whatever--- as much as you want to say that the previous poster is acting on some arbitrary line, someone with a line farther than you might think YOUR line is arbitrary. And that doesn't mean you're lacking in some way, it means you view it differently, and as long as that's cool with your husband or wife, it's really not my concern.
Some might say your self-esteem must be lacking if you feel your husband or wife should only have sex with you-- after all, if he/she had sex with someone else, so what? They'd still COME HOME to you.
And that's exactly the point-- that poster who you quoted above, her and her husband's opinions are what matters, your trying to make her feel like a prude, and any other poster doing the same, has some motive within themselves-- maybe their delicate self-esteem needs it?

I find it funny that this thread is still going strong but a GLBT one got taken down in less than 20 minutes.

Well, some people's line is past even having sex with other people-- I've known couples who "swing," and they might say that you're being insecure by demanding that your spouse only have sex with you, or only have oral with you, or whatever--- as much as you want to say that the previous poster is acting on some arbitrary line, someone with a line farther than you might think YOUR line is arbitrary. And that doesn't mean you're lacking in some way, it means you view it differently, and as long as that's cool with your husband or wife, it's really not my concern.
Some might say your self-esteem must be lacking if you feel your husband or wife should only have sex with you-- after all, if he/she had sex with someone else, so what? They'd still COME HOME to you.
And that's exactly the point-- that poster who you quoted above, her and her husband's opinions are what matters, your trying to make her feel like a prude, and any other poster doing the same, has some motive within themselves-- maybe their delicate self-esteem needs it?

I'm trying to make her feel like a prude? I don't think so. I just don't find her arguments all that clear or convincing, but I admit that these "lines" we draw in relationships are largely arbitrary. My own lines are pretty arbitrary and can't always be traced back to rational thought. And it's my own personal theory that the entire concept of fidelity is rooted solely in issues of self-esteem and control - myself being no exception. So I only call on others to analyze their personal mores, motives, etc. I think the real trick is getting your self esteem to a place where you feel good, and your idea of self worth isnt problematic for the people you love.

Yes, and I agree that our individual lines probably are arbitrary from the outside, I guess I just never understand why it's so troublesome for some posters when others draw their lines short of the place 'you' (general) would. Full disclosure, my DH goes to strip clubs once every year or 2 for bachelor parties, but not otherwise, and that suits me fine, so it probably puts me dead in the middle of ths spectrum.

My point is, the 'your self esteem is low if you don't want your significant other visiting strippers,' well it's just been largely opposite my experience. I see in theory what you're saying, but my reality has been opposite. When I was in college and still needed to come up with fake-ish ways to impress men, that's when I was first in line to join the guys / boyfriends at strip clubs. Lol to make sure they knew I was cool! Now that sounds so lame, that actually WAS a facet of not feeling great about myself, I suppose (though I certainly wouldn't have classified it that way then). And most of my friends were the same. In fact, strippers themselves, many (though certainly not all) were in it because they NEEDED that particular brand of reassurance from men- that does not stem from high self esteem.

No, I'm willing to bet that some people who love strippers (or love their significant others paying them to get nakey) have high self-esteem. And that some people who aren't keen on strippers (or their significant others paying them to get nakey) have high self-esteem. I don't think this is the litmus test, I really don't buy that line, though it is the most frequent one I've seen.



edit: quotes get all funky here! Hope it's fixed...

Yes, and I agree that our individual lines probably are arbitrary from the outside, I guess I just never understand why it's so troublesome for some posters when others draw their lines short of the place 'you' (general) would. Full disclosure, my DH goes to strip clubs once every year or 2 for bachelor parties, but not otherwise, and that suits me fine, so it probably puts me dead in the middle of ths spectrum.

My point is, the 'your self esteem is low if you don't want your significant other visiting strippers,' well it's just been largely opposite my experience. I see in theory what you're saying, but my reality has been opposite. When I was in college and still needed to come up with fake-ish ways to impress men, that's when I was first in line to join the guys / boyfriends at strip clubs. Lol to make sure they knew I was cool! Now that sounds so lame, that actually WAS a facet of not feeling great about myself, I suppose (though I certainly wouldn't have classified it that way then). And most of my friends were the same. In fact, strippers themselves, many (though certainly not all) were in it because they NEEDED that particular brand of reassurance from men- that does not stem from high self esteem.

No, I'm willing to bet that some people who love strippers (or love their significant others paying them to get nakey) have high self-esteem. And that some people who aren't keen on strippers (or their significant others paying them to get nakey) have high self-esteem. I don't think this is the litmus test, I really don't buy that line, though it is the most frequent one I've seen.



edit: quotes get all funky here! Hope it's fixed...

Your experiences make sense too. I think you took my comment wrong. i was trying to be funny by saying "if strippers make you feel insecure..."

It was actually a playful jab at strippers. Because that life is so often bleak, how could you ever be jealous of them...