Celebrating 100+ Down (pretty wordy, oh well! SMILE)

I made myself a promise... little did I know that it would be a bit hard to keep! :blushing: I said, when I get to 100+ down, I will post in the Success Stories. See, I knew that I just don't give myself enough credit. :ohwell: When I look at myself - most of the time - I still see how very far I have to go. However, I know that I need to also stop for a second to take credit for just how far I've come. :bigsmile: So, here it goes...

I started this new journey not even a year ago. I thought that I'd give it one final, honest to goodness try. I never, never, NEVER planned to have any surgery - figuring that if I couldn't just do this thing on my own than I would just stay as I was. I didn't have the money or the faith to do a weight loss surgery anyway...

I joined a local program because I knew that I would need the support of at least one person. BUT, that would be the only person I wanted to know. It took every bit of strength I had to walk through the doors. It would require waiting to get in for an appointment, several weeks or a month as I recall. I decided I would do all that was asked of me including blood tests to know just where I was starting at. There are no prepackaged foods or anything like that, it is about knowing what I am eating and making different choices about those foods.

My biggest change was actually eating more than once a day... when I look at what made the biggest difference - this was really it. I used to go through the day without eating, maybe grabbing a Diet Pepsi here or a bag of chips there, but when I'd head home at 7-8 PM after a long day I'd run... who am I kidding, woops - I'd drive through and pick up some fast food and then go home eat it while watching a television show and then head to bed. Exercise was just the walking around I did at work. My job has some stress involved. I slept inconsistently - sometimes 4 hours in a night, sometimes 10. All of these things put together equalled to a weight that I still don't put in print. So, I started to eat 3 times a day, focused on protein, veggies and fruit. I started feeling better, having more energy. I focused on sleeping more consistently 8 or more hours a night and I cut back on how much pop/soda I was drinking. And things started to change... but I wasn't doing so well with tracking my food and calories. So, I was encouraged to use an app on my phone, "there are plenty out there." I looked and found MFP. I saw that there was a "support" aspect... but again, I wasn't telling anyone what I was doing and that apparently even included virtually.

I found that I was doing pretty well, I started releasing pounds and felt pretty good. No one seemed to notice - most importantly I didn't seem to notice. I just kept seeing the same person in the mirror. I approached the 50 pound mark and started to stall... and suddenly people started saying things and noticiing. I panicked. I stalled even more. I denied, I minimized, I hid from attention. I didn't want anyone to know and I realize that was because I was still worried about failing. I didn't want anyone to see me fail at this.

I kept getting encouraged to open up and talk with others - but wasn't ready to do that in my "real" life so I took a chance and entered the community area of MFP. I found a wonderful group of my now "Skinny Chic Sisters" which was a small, but dedicated group of women who all had over 100 pounds to Lose (most of us now say "release" because we aren't losing - that somehow indicates we are hoping to find it again, which we assuredly are not!). We quickly bonded and if not for them, I don't know that I would have reached this milestone!

But, I needed to step it up and start exercising and I just wasn't sure how to do that. I couldn't really picture how or where I would do that because I didn't want the ridicule. And there was some ridicule. I remember going for a walk around a half-mile bordered park, I was so happy that it would easily allow me to keep track of just how far I was walking. And a car of boys repeatedly kept driving by and yelling and screaming at me "join the biggest loser you fat cow" and "stupid b*tch, go home," that type of thing. They kept coming by a number of times, enough that as it became darker, I knew that I would not be safe and had to leave before I was finished walking... but what I most enjoyed is that it made me smile. I smiled and said a silent prayer to God, "God, thank you - I am strong enough to handle this. I thank you for giving me this test because I am strong enough to handle this." I knew that I was strong enough and if the boys were so busy saying this to me, at least it wasn't to someone else that would have been broken by it. My "Skinny Chic Sisters" and I started doing monthly challenges for ourselves to increase our exercise. And it worked. We have members who are self-professed "gym bunnies." Several have competed (yes not just completed but competed!) in 5K's, one in a triathalon, at least two of us training to be in a triathalon. Our group has expanded to include a few gentlemen and many more wonderful women. When I don't believe in myself, they believe in me! And, now, here I stand over 100 pounds released...

I started this post with the Subject Line - "Celebrating 100+ pounds down, even if 100+ to go" and I changed it. See, even in that line I am still not whole-ly celebrating myself! It doesn't matter where I started or how far I have to go... what matters right now is that I stop for a moment and truly celebrate not just the accomplishment of joining the triple-digit club, but also celebrating me! Celebrating who I am, both inside and out. I've done it... I've reached a milestone that so many people who are really heavy don't believe that they can do. And, I've done it in less than a year... major stalls and all! That's pretty amazing... I am pretty amazing. And today, I truly recognize and believe that!

Now is time to share photos, right?!? What a risk... <<deep breath>> I can't believe that it's the same person - because I didn't see myself the way I looked. I mean, I didn't have the problems that you hear people have - or at least I didn't believe that I did. I could still walk, go up and down stairs, etc. I didn't ever recognize myself in photos because I didn't see myself as "so big" until I would look at photos. Now, I still struggle to see a difference in the mirror. I see it mostly in my neck... I finally found that I do actually have a neck! That was one of my goals... to find it. So, I mostly see the difference in my neck and shoulders but not much above or below. I know things are changing because I keep having to buy new clothes - which can be pretty frustrating because sometimes it is literally weeks later. I've had those moments where I hope that no one saw my pants fall almost to my knees, where people tell me that I need new clothes because "those pants are huge on you!" Anyway - I've read about how to post these photos and I apologize in advance if I get it wrong... I'm not so technicologically adept! But - here goes nothin'!

Befores:


Durings:


Start to Currents:



With all of that said... I still have another half or more of my journey to go. But I approach that with faith and confidence! I know that I can and WILL do this! I know that in less than a year I will have competed in at least one triathalon. I am heading to Hawaii in March - and can't wait to see the difference between those photos in my "befores" from Hawaii and the photos then. I am excited about all the things that I get to do now and how I can kick many people who are half my size in the gym. I anxiously await getting to meet many of my "Skinny Chic Sisters" including that Lexie and I plan to meet and do our first 5K together in our newer bodies!

So with that - I want to thank the people who have made such a difference in this journey... including in my real life - Kelly & Dana for being excited about every single POINT of a pound, Sandi, Pauline, Lynae for reminding me of what they see change, letting me know when I needed smaller clothing and cheering me on. For MFP - I am just so happy that this app exists and that it's free because so many of us start just by looking for a free app because we don't necessarily believe we are worth the small cost of purchasing one! Also - my Skinny Chic sisters and my friends on MFP... you have all helped me when I needed it most, cheered with me for my victories... I can't name all of you but some of you deserve a special thank you... Lexie - you are like a sister to me and I love you dearly, thank you for every single thing! I plan to fit those jeans you sent sometime in the future! ReNae - my fellow Honey Badger! You really were the one that welcomed me in and made me feel like I belonged. Your calm perserverance is so admirable. Steph - you are much like a UK sister to me! I strive to follow your footsteps - you amaze me every day! Staci - You are a rockstar... you help me to see just what I can do. Julie - you are so dang consistent! I love your brave approach to every day, your strength is inspiring! Cyndi - oh, Cyndi... you are Yoda! You are wise, funny, always encouraging even when it's a swift kick in the butt! Thanks for being a bat winged sister and for being so special to each of us! JJ - you are a mother to our group and I hope you remember how much each of us needs that and appreciates/values that. I love you very much! And before I truly break into tears because I am the biggest sappy heart you'll find... let me just say thank you to all of you - including Lane, Tami, Liz, Sara, Bobbie, Jane, Eileen, Carla, Zena, Greg, Brisa, Bonnie, Linda, Pam, Penny & Scott.