If there were an app for marriage...

vibrate with a possible "approach at your own risk" perimeter alarm

maybe a bull**** annihilator function

translation function (such as "I was so busy running errands today that I just didn't have time to pick up a thing" translates to "I wasted the whole day sleeping on the couch to golf and playing video games so I quickly ran out for a gallon of milk so I could tell you I ran errands without technically lying and having nothing to show for it")

Remind me at regular intervals to be kind and express my gratitude.

remind HIM at regular intervals to be kind and express HIS appreciation, since I think he forgot how to do that.

Lessons in tuning out the nagging.

show previous quotes

1. Scanner to check his brain for live activity. 2. Task killer - to shut him down at times. 3. Truth-o-meter. 4. Zapper - to be used at opportune times. 5. In-law blocker. 6. Recording device. 7. Rewind button. 8. Future predictor 9. Instant fumigator 10. Recharger

that about covers it. Oh.... perhaps a mute button?

add the in-law blocker button and we're golden!