Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

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DaveJ_43
DaveJ_43 Posts: 139 Member
in Motivation and Support
This is the kind of thing that makes me eat frosting out of the can ...

A few weeks ago I saw some texts in my girlfriend's phone. (We openly share each other's phones. My phone was dead and so I was using hers to get in touch with my 14 year old, who only responds to text messages.) She wrote to one of her friends about an old boyfriend, who recently contacted her:

-I still love him
-he puts butterflies in my stomach
-his voice makes me melt

When I first saw the butterflies and melting comments, I thought she was talking about me. When I realized it was someone else, it made me physically ill.

We talked about it for a couple days. The old boyfriend wants to see her. I told her to go see him, and if she still wants him, let me go, so I can move on and don't mess up the second half of my life. (I'm 44 years old in the process of finalizing a nasty divorce.) She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.

Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?

Guys - what would you do with that?

I (sort of) accepted the explanation, but it messes with my head. And I'm still worried there could be something to it. She usually seems really devoted to me and my boys. But I feel like I need to keep my eyes and ears open, and that sucks. I've never been in this situation before - not trusting 100% in my partner's fidelity.

This morning out of nowhere she tells me she's not going to be staying with me and the boys this weekend. She gave me some half-hearted excuse about emailing me about it. No. This morning she also put on very pretty matching bra and panties, which I was very enthusiastic about. Later, as we walked to the subway, she said she "might" have dinner with a girlfriend tonight.

I have that nauseous feeling that hit me when I saw those texts. I'm imagining her meeting her old boyfriend for drinks, and then taking him back to her apartment - and breaking my heart. It may be a total head trip I'm running on myself, but either way, this sucks. 44 years old. I've never had this kind of visit from the green-eyed monster before.

So, today, I want to turn to the gym - not to that can of frosting ...
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Replies

  • karenjoy
    karenjoy Posts: 1,840 Member
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    woah, I would hug you if I could, as I think that you need a big hug. I think that she HAS messed with your head, I think that saying that about an ex is a bad thing, I don't feel that way about my ex, if someone is your ex and you are in a new relationship then feelings like that should not be there, and if they are, then not expressed. I am going to make you feel bad here, and that is not what I want to do, but YOU DESERVE BETTER, you are a good man, a nice guy, have been through and are going through a lot, a tough time, and she KNOWS that and is still doing that, that makes her not right for you. You can find someone, you are a good hearted, good looking guy. Life is a bit rubbish sometimes, and sometimes it means that you have to be brave and take the hard step,

    The sick feeling is intuition. xXx
  • littlewords
    littlewords Posts: 43
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    You guys share phones? She knew you'd see the texts. Maybe she does still want him.

    Or maybe she is really hurt that you went to a "gentlemen's club". I know I would be.

    And unfortunately, when you guys do stuff like that, we feel helpless, we get angry, and yes, sometimes we do hurtful, hateful things.

    Maybe she felt ill, knowing you were there. Maybe she wanted to eat frosting out of the can, because it sucks to know that your boyfriend has got some other women's DDs in his face.
  • Jeff92se
    Jeff92se Posts: 3,369 Member
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    If she didn't usually put on sexy underwear to go out with a girlfriend, I'd lean on your instincts.

    I don't know why she isn't just honest about it Hell you TOLD her to see the dude and find out where she stands.

    It looks like she wants the cake and eat it too. At your age, you don't have time for that. If that's the case.
  • stcar
    stcar Posts: 207 Member
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    Everyone has an ex that can make them melt, but it doesn't mean we'd take them back. I have a few and I would absolutely text my girlfriends about them if they suddenly popped in my mind and speak of them that way, but I would NEVER cheat.

    The best advice I can give you is always go with your gut feeling, because it's usually right and either way, you can't deny the way you feel.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    I can't imagine saying that sort of thing about my ex to a friend because I was mad at my SO. I might say what a jerk my SO was or something (and I might or might not really mean it). But that just doesn't jive with me. Maybe it's true, but it seems weird to me.
  • bbbgamer
    bbbgamer Posts: 582 Member
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    if in doubt, I would leave her........... you said it yourself, dont mess up the second half of your life. Thats just me, good luck with whatever you choose.
  • melbellkid
    melbellkid Posts: 72
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    I am in the same boat as you-a little over a year ago my long term fiance of (10 yrs) and I started going through the same thing. I had went to email off of his account and found a pop up chat message from a girl saying love you...well at that point I realized that there were also many email messages back and forth between them that were very lovey dovey. I confronted him and he said it was nothing-she lived 8 hours away and he had never actually met her-but they had gotten very close over the computer and phone. I told him if that was what made him happy and it was what he felt he needed then go be with her and don't string me along (we have 2 kids). He said he wanted to be with me and he would stop all communication with her. I caught him on our first ever vacation talking to her at 2 am out on the sidewalk on the phone which started every thing all over. Long story short-I am incredibly hurt-I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach every day of my life and I still can't get over it over a year later. We are on the verge of separating at the moment because he gets mad that I don't trust him, but I feel he hasn't done anything to prove to me that I should-I love him very much, and want to make our relationship work, but I can't get over that hurt I feel-and the constant "what ifs" in the back of my head are horrible to live with. I am in no place to offer advice here obviously, but I guess my reason for responding here is this point....dont hit the frosting...I had lost 80 pounds right before this happened and when it did I got horribly depressed and gained 50 of it back. I am trying to find myself again and it is really hard-and making a decision when kids are involved is even harder. I guess as a woman-yes we want that guy who makes us feel like that and we all know that "when we first get together" feeling that eventually leaves, but maybe she is feeling like she isn't getting that as much as she needs-I know I feel very alone alot and all it would take for me to have that again with him would be for him to try and do some stuff together and make me feel special again, because right now I pretty much feel like the gum on the bottom of someones shoe. Sorry for the novel of my sob story-but hope it helps a little...and she will hopefully see that the grass isn't always greener and there probably is a good reason he is an ex that she will soon remember!
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
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    Ok I don't know her but that screams RED FLAG to me. I would say that your gut is correct. I'm sorry but you're going to have to be careful. Sometimes things just don't work out but if she was trying to make it work she wouldn't be talking/texting with ex. She wouldn't be talking about seeing him etc.

    Unfortunately girls aren't always forth coming and completely honest about things. I'm guessing (from your story) that she's going to play the field with you and him. She's going to see if the ex is still attractive why she keeps you hanging.

    Head to the gym, spend some awesome time with your boys and keep your mind open till you know for sure. They call it the green eyed monster for a reason. Maybe a kickboxing session would help....

    Good luck and I hope everything that I said was wrong.
  • ghiagirl893
    ghiagirl893 Posts: 69 Member
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    Dump her! This is only to be expected of teenagers. She is most likely just going to hurt you and your boys. She sounds spiteful and immature, not someone to be setting a good example for your kids.
  • AnninStPaul
    AnninStPaul Posts: 1,372 Member
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    I can't imagine saying that sort of thing about my ex to a friend because I was mad at my SO. I might say what a jerk my SO was or something (and I might or might not really mean it). But that just doesn't jive with me. Maybe it's true, but it seems weird to me.

    Follow your gut. There's a better woman out there for you.
  • Bentley2718
    Bentley2718 Posts: 1,690 Member
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    You guys share phones? She knew you'd see the texts. Maybe she does still want him.

    Or maybe she is really hurt that you went to a "gentlemen's club". I know I would be.

    And unfortunately, when you guys do stuff like that, we feel helpless, we get angry, and yes, sometimes we do hurtful, hateful things.

    Maybe she felt ill, knowing you were there. Maybe she wanted to eat frosting out of the can, because it sucks to know that your boyfriend has got some other women's DDs in his face.

    I know we all have different feelings about these things, but I feel like your ex, who you presumably once had feelings for, and who presumably had feelings for you, is very different from the "ladies" in a "gentlemen's club," who are strangers, and really only want to get to know your wallet. (This is not meant to be offensive towards women who dance, clothed or unclothed, for money, it's just a realistic assessment of the situation. Nor is it meant to belittle women who are bothered by their partner's visiting such establishments, I'm just making a point about a difference in emotional content.)
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?
    :frown: I would never do something like that, ever. I am sorry that you are going through this, you don't deserve that. I hope things work out for you.
  • ADobs
    ADobs Posts: 160 Member
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    As a female and someone that has been in this situation before (on both ends), you and I both know very well that she is not meeting a "girlfriend" for dinner. Trust your instincts and your gut, they're always right, that's all I have to say. I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass show last week and it was about this very thing and listening to your gut because it's there for a reason.

    Good luck and I hope everything works out for you whether it's staying with your gf or moving on.
  • kenzietea
    kenzietea Posts: 614 Member
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    You guys share phones? She knew you'd see the texts. Maybe she does still want him.

    Or maybe she is really hurt that you went to a "gentlemen's club". I know I would be.

    And unfortunately, when you guys do stuff like that, we feel helpless, we get angry, and yes, sometimes we do hurtful, hateful things.

    Maybe she felt ill, knowing you were there. Maybe she wanted to eat frosting out of the can, because it sucks to know that your boyfriend has got some other women's DDs in his face.

    I have to agree with this.

    Also, I have an inkling she is younger than you.

    If so, the way she reacted was immature, but probably the truth. She was probably just angry and that is why she purposely left those messages for you to see.

    She should have expressed the way she felt about your going to the strip club (don't sugar coat it lol!) BEFORE you went, and if you still went, she should have let you know how mad she was. Even if she isn't younger, sometimes women can turn into little girls (just like men can turn into little boys) when their feelings are hurt.

    Even if you weren't even interested in going to the strip club and just went to hang out with your buddies, it doesn't matter. Sometimes we have to make *small* sacrifices to make the ones we love feel secure. I have a feeling she just wanted to give you a taste of her own medicine, even if it wasn't a conscious act.

    Now, with that being said, what she did was still wrong! And I can see why it would make you feel jealous and untrusting. If she is unwilling to be 100% open to you from now on, she probably isn't worth investing any amount of trust in. I hope you figure it out, and I hope you too and move forward and start communicating better!
  • OSUalum
    OSUalum Posts: 449 Member
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    Trust your instincts! Life is too short to be with someone that doesnt respect your feelings.
  • runs4zen
    runs4zen Posts: 769 Member
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    Walk away. Not worth it.

    If for no other reason, you are just getting through a divorce, you don't need rebound--especially since you have kids--and frankly, why would you want someone who gets upset because you went out one night with friends? You need freedom in a relationship--at least I do.

    Let her check out the old boyfriend thing. Maybe she'll be back, maybe not, but better to know now than when you're facing a second divorce a few years from now...
  • Ladyaelphaba
    Ladyaelphaba Posts: 1
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    As some have said above: Trust your instincts. If you think someone is cheating, then they probably are (with a couple exceptions: you have a paranoid disorder, or you are yourself cheating on them).
  • igora_soma
    igora_soma Posts: 486
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    I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Your first priority is obviously your role as a father, do your kids like her?

    I think it is really LAME that she isn't being honest with you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I would say to her "I deserve your honesty, if you aren't commited to this, then we need to reassess"

    Seriously good luck with this. You sound like a really nice guy, I hope she shows you some more respect!
  • squishycow7
    squishycow7 Posts: 820 Member
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    I know I kind of have a jealousy issue, that I at times am unable to deal with in a proper way. for instance, if I was jealous/upset about my boyfriend going to a gentleman's club, I might behave the way she is as a sort of sick revenge.

    I am NOT saying that is RIGHT, but it it something that would cross my mind.

    I would say, don't give up just yet. It sounds like perhaps both of you are having some jealousy problems (legitimate ones).


    scenario 1) she's just upset with you. she wants you to see her as sexy, etc, and is sort of "acting out" to get attention/validation from you that you want her and want to be with her

    scenario 2) you're being paranoid :) nothing to do but talk it out!

    scenario 3) she's really trying to get back with that ex. if this is the case (and time will tell) then there's nothing really you can do I suppose, except accept it and move on :(


    best of luck to you.
  • bethvandenberg
    bethvandenberg Posts: 1,496 Member
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    As some have said above: Trust your instincts. If you think someone is cheating, then they probably are (with a couple exceptions: you have a paranoid disorder, or you are yourself cheating on them).

    LOVE THIS

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