Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...
Replies
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This is the kind of thing that makes me eat frosting out of the can ...
A few weeks ago I saw some texts in my girlfriend's phone. (We openly share each other's phones. My phone was dead and so I was using hers to get in touch with my 14 year old, who only responds to text messages.) She wrote to one of her friends about an old boyfriend, who recently contacted her:
-I still love him
-he puts butterflies in my stomach
-his voice makes me melt
When I first saw the butterflies and melting comments, I thought she was talking about me. When I realized it was someone else, it made me physically ill.
We talked about it for a couple days. The old boyfriend wants to see her. I told her to go see him, and if she still wants him, let me go, so I can move on and don't mess up the second half of my life. (I'm 44 years old in the process of finalizing a nasty divorce.) She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.
Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?
Guys - what would you do with that?
I (sort of) accepted the explanation, but it messes with my head. And I'm still worried there could be something to it. She usually seems really devoted to me and my boys. But I feel like I need to keep my eyes and ears open, and that sucks. I've never been in this situation before - not trusting 100% in my partner's fidelity.
This morning out of nowhere she tells me she's not going to be staying with me and the boys this weekend. She gave me some half-hearted excuse about emailing me about it. No. This morning she also put on very pretty matching bra and panties, which I was very enthusiastic about. Later, as we walked to the subway, she said she "might" have dinner with a girlfriend tonight.
I have that nauseous feeling that hit me when I saw those texts. I'm imagining her meeting her old boyfriend for drinks, and then taking him back to her apartment - and breaking my heart. It may be a total head trip I'm running on myself, but either way, this sucks. 44 years old. I've never had this kind of visit from the green-eyed monster before.
So, today, I want to turn to the gym - not to that can of frosting ...
There's no imagining. She is hooking up with her ex. Move on. Clearly, she has forgotten why they are "ex's" in the first place.0 -
In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
Everyone is entitled to their opinion.0 -
Go with your gut feelings.0
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(I did not read many of the responses, but here are my feelings/thoughts). Wow-that is a very hurtful thing for her to do, and "posturing" or not, totally inappropriate. I would never, EVER say something like that about an ex, whether I was angry with a current boyfriend or not (and I'm not sure why she would be that upset about you going to a "gentleman's club". I have to admit that I probably wouldn't be extremely thrilled about it but I certainly would not be angry, and like I said I would never behave in such a way). It is immature, hurtful, and thoughtless and not really an appropriate way to deal with those feelings. Anyway, I would tend to trust your instincts in this situation as well if I were you, especially if she is behaving out of character. You were honest and straightforward with her and you deserve the same in return. In addition, you deserve to be with someone who does not take out anger in such a vindictive, cruel, and immature way.
Obviously keep in mind that this is coming from someone who knows nothing else about your relationship, however, I do know that in a relationship I have never and would never behave in such a way. No one is perfect, but I believe that there are certain lines of mutual respect, trust, honesty, and friendship that should always exist in a relationship, and to me her behaviour is none of that. Also, to go give some context to my thoughts, I am a person who is trusting and honest and has never been cheated on so I am not naturally suspicious, however I think we agree that there are some big red flag behaviours here.
BTW, great job on going to the gym instead of emotional eating!!! That is really fantastic!0 -
As far as the strip club...who cares. It is not cheating. Guys will be guys and checking out chicks is one of the things they do. If you are in a healthy relationship, you will trust and respect each other enough not to cheat.0
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In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
^^^ I agree with this. ^^^
However, I still would be leary. You guys need to talk. Sit down and have a long hard talk about WHY she sent the messages, where she's actually going, and why the sudden change in her behavior, but please don't be suprised when she brings up the gentlemens club. I guarentee you that it killed her inside that you went (if she's anything like me). Let her know how you feel and let her tell you how she feels, and then work on it as a couple.
Then if you find out she's cheating, leave her *kitten*.
Watching porn isn't cheating and it's pathetic and idiotic to think so. I think I agree with most of the sensible people here who say go with your guts, it sounds suspicious, I'm sorry she's done this to you but she's being unfaithful, sexy underwear you wear if your off to meet another man. If she loves you her ex won't be a consideration and if she's done this once the trust is broken and it can't be repaired.
I said "In my opinion...." That's what I think. I didnt say other people's way of thinking was pathetic or idiotic. I think you should do the same...say out loud what you think of the situation, but stop judging what other people say, because that is an idiotic thing to do.0 -
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Can I ask how old your girlfriend is?
And just my opinion, but tit for tat doesn't work. If she's pissed you went to a strip club, she should have said something about it. They're two separate issues and one can't be an excuse for another.
In other news, I have ex's that make me tingle at the mere mention of their name. Doesn't mean I'd even entertain the idea of seeing them again... But, she said she still LOVES him. How long has she been with you, but in love with another? Cause that'd p*ss me off enough to shank a b*tch.0 -
In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....
The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.
It's naive to think that one's partner doesn't think about other people in terms of aesthetics. We can all appreciate an attractive person without wanting to cheat. Porn (to me, at least) becomes cheating when it is used as a substitute for intimacy with one's partner. Emotional cheating hurts just as much if not more than physical cheating.0 -
Obligatory...I have to disagree...this is the best
Do what you gotta do, OP! The frosting won't make things better. Put on your big boy pants and talk to her!
Life's too short to put up with this crap. Hope the video helps to cheer you up. :flowerforyou:0 -
Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know you but from your post, you seem like a lovely guy.
Like most people have said so far, I think you should follow you instinct. I understand she is great with your kids but leaving her will probably be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your kids.0 -
My husband and I open share our phones, e-mails, etc. If he went to a booby club I'd be pissed, but I would b!tch about you to my friends, not swoon over my ex. IMO She isn't over him.
Also, if you don't trust her now, the how can you EVER trust her. I get that trust is gained, but if it you don't believe her, and are focusing on single word like "might" have dinner with a girlfriend, that is an uphill battle that may not be worth fighting.
If you really love her and you want to fight that battle, then do it without blood shed. Talk to her about why you are upset, what you are feeling, and get her take on it. DON'T SCREAM and DON'T SWEAR! There is no reason why a 44 YO can't have a civil normal-toned conversation about feelings with their SO. Communication is the key to ANY relationship.0 -
If she isn't cheating on you she's playing mind games with you either way I don't think you have a solid foundation to build your relationship on. Sounds like the choice is yours - you can dump her now feel bad for a while and move on or let her stick around stick around, live on a relationship rollercoaster and dump her later after you've been really hurt!
Life isn't alway fun/fair/good but it doesn't mean you ever have to settle or be a victim, you need to make the best long term choice for you and your kids!0 -
Let me get the straight...You went to ACTUALLY look at naked women in a place where you could potentially get a lap dance (or not) and you are mad because she is THINKING about someone from her past????
Break up; neither of you is ready to be in a relationship. It seems like you knew that your going to the club was upsetting to her but you did it anyway. Now you are mad because she is considering other possibilities, maybe someone who doesn't go out looking at other women. I am not a prude where sex between couples is concerned but You are in a relationship with someone who is upset by your visit to the club and you ignored her hurt and went anyway. Her response of "I love him" and "he makes me melt" show she is not ready for a committed relationship either.
Furthermore, you told her to go see him, she wants to spend the week-end away from you and now you are mad. WHAT?!?!?! She said she wants to see a girlfriend and you automatically think she's lying. I get that you feel insecure after the text but why would she not just tell you if she was going to see him? I am sorry that you are hurting but finish your divorce, enjoy your children, get to know what you want in a woman. If you want to continue going to "gentleman's clubs" find a woman who can tolerate that and then get in a relationship. I really do hope that you find happiness.
BEST RESPONSE GIVEN0 -
In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.
Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....
The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.
It's naive to think that one's partner doesn't think about other people in terms of aesthetics. We can all appreciate an attractive person without wanting to cheat. Porn (to me, at least) becomes cheating when it is used as a substitute for intimacy with one's partner. Emotional cheating hurts just as much if not more than physical cheating.
Of corse people think about people in terms od aesthetics, even people in relationships. But to me there's a limit between lets say... walking down the street a seeing a girl with really pretty eyes or legs or anourmously huge boobs and talk about it to your girlfriend (for exemple) than going to a place esecially to see other women bodys and get an exceitment out if this which I think sould be reserved to your gf.0 -
Let me get the straight...You went to ACTUALLY look at naked women in a place where you could potentially get a lap dance (or not) and you are mad because she is THINKING about someone from her past????
Break up; neither of you is ready to be in a relationship. It seems like you knew that your going to the club was upsetting to her but you did it anyway. Now you are mad because she is considering other possibilities, maybe someone who doesn't go out looking at other women. I am not a prude where sex between couples is concerned but You are in a relationship with someone who is upset by your visit to the club and you ignored her hurt and went anyway. Her response of "I love him" and "he makes me melt" show she is not ready for a committed relationship either.
Furthermore, you told her to go see him, she wants to spend the week-end away from you and now you are mad. WHAT?!?!?! She said she wants to see a girlfriend and you automatically think she's lying. I get that you feel insecure after the text but why would she not just tell you if she was going to see him? I am sorry that you are hurting but finish your divorce, enjoy your children, get to know what you want in a woman. If you want to continue going to "gentleman's clubs" find a woman who can tolerate that and then get in a relationship. I really do hope that you find happiness.
BEST RESPONSE GIVEN
I agree, very good response!0 -
Also, bro...
I would suggest making your profile private and/or removing any personal info/photos before posting personal stories like this.
Unless you don't mind airing your dirty laundry in public.0 -
I'll be frank ... Given the fact that you went to a "gentlemens'" club without knowing how it would impact her, that she didn't tell you it upset her, that she made those comments to her girlfriend, and the fact that she went out with "girlfriends" wearing "pretty" underwear ... either the two of you go into some serious couples' counseling (I suggest finding a therapist who follows the Gottman approach since it focuses on communication), or you move on (and realize you need to work on communication in your next relationship). This isn't going to end well. Do you really believe the "posturing" comment ... and if it IS true, what does that say about your relationship?
If you'd like a book to read about the Gottman approach, I suggest "A Couple's Guide to Communication".
Agree, Agree, Agree!!!!0 -
She told me she was just saying that to the girlfriend because she was "posturing" - the night she wrote those texts she was angry because I went to a gentlemen's club with my law school buddies after our annual reunion dinner.
Ladies - really? Is this something any of you would do?
I would not. She sounds very immature and perhaps not ready for an adult relationship. As a divorced mother of 2 kids, if I was in this relationship, I would run, not walk, to the nearest door. This is games at its worst. Put away the frosting and tell her good bye. But that is just me. I am a bit guarded.
Good luck, regardless of what you decide.0 -
Going to see strippers ins't going to illicit a text like "I love her", "she makes my heart melt" or "I still love her".
Also a strip club isn't a precursor to actual sex AND THE IMITMATE FEELINGS that associated with seeing an ex. Especially when she makes it a point to wear matching sexy underwear that night.
Trying to equate guys (going with other guys) to a strip club and his GF going out to meet an ex boyfriend (and lying about it) isnt' even in the same galaxy.0
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