Fidelity? ... or, "Dear Abby ..." or, What Would You Do? ...

My husband and I share phones too! We have the same phone and if mine is dead and I need to run to the store I take his and vice versa.

Im sorry for your troubles and I can say that I do have warm and fuzzy feelings about an ex but I don't want him back. Some of us girls do feel nostalgia sometimes when miffed at our partners BUT I do not make efforts to contact the ex nor have any interest in being a part of his life. (That is just playing with fire) My husband and I have an agreement to not put ourselves in a situation that is going to set us up for failed marriage and it sounds broad but it works and can be applied to many aspects of our relationship. (14 yrs going strong!) So you my dear have to look at the bigger picture. Has her behavior changed or has she always last minute gone out with friends or decided to not spend the weekend? Could you be hyper sensitive because of what you read?

Open communication is the key to every relationship.

We have different life experiences and different reasons to give certain advice with out truly considering the person. Since I dont know you personally enough to give such life changing advice; I will say that you need to lay it all out in a non confrontational setting. Tell her how the situation is making you feel and tell her what is not acceptable in the relationship. If the two of you can not come to a comfortable understanding then you have some serious thinking to do.

I wish you the best.

Can I ask how old your girlfriend is?

And just my opinion, but tit for tat doesn't work. If she's pissed you went to a strip club, she should have said something about it. They're two separate issues and one can't be an excuse for another.

In other news, I have ex's that make me tingle at the mere mention of their name. Doesn't mean I'd even entertain the idea of seeing them again... But, she said she still LOVES him. How long has she been with you, but in love with another? Cause that'd p*ss me off enough to shank a b*tch.

SO THIS!!
I could imagine my wife remembering good times with an Ex. But to use the "L" word in connection with one... WOW! Hell NO!! If you're talking to your girls about somebody making you melt and it ain't me... we gotta problem...

In my opinion, going to a gentleman's club or watching porn is totally cheating. So don't be surprise if she wants a revenge, you're luky she's still with you, she probably wont cheat but makes everything to make you feel bad or jealous. Think twice before making choices that can hurt your gf's feeling.

Really? cheating? I don't feel that way.. I really don't care one way or another if my man goes to a strip club (ok I don't like the $ waste) and I don't think that looking at porn makes you a cheater. I think if you are vested in another physically or emotionally it's cheating. If you're doing something with someone that is your spouse/so then that's cheating. If you are doing something that you wouldn't want done to you then cheating....

The reason why I consider it cheating is because the desire is as bad as the physical act itself. Lets say a guy come home to his gf and says "Honey, you know, I would never cheat on you, but damn I'm thinking of that other woman's body, naked, I really like it and its in my mind, but don't worry I'll never be unfaithful". Its just to illustrate that the intention bothers a lot, and sometimes even more then the act itself.

It's naive to think that one's partner doesn't think about other people in terms of aesthetics. We can all appreciate an attractive person without wanting to cheat. Porn (to me, at least) becomes cheating when it is used as a substitute for intimacy with one's partner. Emotional cheating hurts just as much if not more than physical cheating.

Of corse people think about people in terms od aesthetics, even people in relationships. But to me there's a limit between lets say... walking down the street a seeing a girl with really pretty eyes or legs or anourmously huge boobs and talk about it to your girlfriend (for exemple) than going to a place esecially to see other women bodys and get an exceitment out if this which I think sould be reserved to your gf.

Agreed. I also have a problem with the objectification of men and women who perform in these venues. When we look at them without consideration for their entire humanity I think we all lose a bit of our souls.

First off.. real ladies aren't pissed off when their man goes to a gentleman's club... and if they are... that means the relationship should end because there's no trust there.

Second, leave her... if she still has those feelings.. its not worth it. Move on. Life isn't this hard and you shouldn't be dragged in this process because she got upset and/or she doesn't know what she wants.

That is a huge judgment. I would leave my husband if he went to strip clubs or used porn because marriage means setting yourself apart, "forsaking all others." Don't turn a man's blatant infidelity into a woman's emotional insecurity. I trust my husband not to do either because he is a man of integrity and has no interest in an encounter with some strange woman with no relationship involved. I totally don't understand women who are seemingly ok with it or even join in. No wonder most marriages end. There are too many people involved in it. People want to feel committed and stay non-committal at the same time.

To the OP, end it for both your sakes. Stay single and unavailable until well after your divorce. Spend some time getting to know yourself again. And don't get involved again until you're sure you want to settle down.

Yup..This^^^^

WIthout reading this whole thing
My idea on cheating is

If it would make your partner uncomfortable, if you wouldn't do it in front of them. It's cheating.

Cut and dry, plain and simple.

And if you are really really in love with your S/O there isn't another man, woman, dog, cat or Extra terrestrial that si going to give you butterflies.

Trust is really important in a relationship, in my opinion. I share my phone with my fiance (actually, I use his most of the time because he has an awesome android and I just had a flip phone xD), and anything I text to anyone is completely open for him to read. I'd think that if she knew that she shared phones with you, something like that was either meant for you to read out of anger, or it was a complete lack of thought on her part.

Either way, those kinds of thoughts towards an ex could be troubling for her. If it had just been those texts, I would suggest to sit down and talk it out, but where you've mentioned that she's dressing up and going out... do you trust that she's actually going out with a girlfriend? Perhaps there is something deep rooted that she hasn't the courage to bring up to you that's bothering her?

I'm big on the "mend it don't end it" type of thing, and I really think there might be something bothering her or something that she just hasn't brought up yet that needs to be talked about. It could be something bothering her about the relationship, or maybe she does love someone else and doesn't know what to do.

I know that I was in a situation once where I did still have feelings for my (only) ex boyfriend. I struggled with it for a while, and spent a lot of time out with my girls to talk it out. I didn't want to bring it up to my fiance, because it would concern him. I eventually did tell him, and I also discovered in that period of time just how important my fiance is to me. And any leftover feelings from a past relationship weren't worth losing him over.

I hope everything that I'm saying makes sense, and I know that you are getting a lot of responses to this. I'd try talking, figuring out what's bothering her. If she needs time to realize that she does need you and that these feelings are not worth the end to your relationship, give her space to figure it out. And make sure you ask her where the relationship should be going at this point.

It seems to me that she might be confused with how she feels.
I don't know though, because I have only gotten a tiny picture of the situation. I don't have her side of the story, and I don't know either one of you, and I don't know what your relationship is like. So this is the best that I can do.

EDIT;; Just seeing the posts about the gentlemen's club now. Sorry, I must have skimmed over it. Everyone is entitled to their opinion on it, including you. But what should matter to you is how SHE feels about it. EVERY WOMAN has a DIFFERENT feeling towards their men and porn. For example, when my man watched porn, it made me uncomfortable, and I didn't really know why. I think it was probably just insecurity. Even the most secure woman can feel insecure about some things. In my case, I was just really insecure about myself at the time. Nowadays, if I found out that he was watching it, I'd just be worried about viruses on the computer.

As for a strip club. Personally, I wouldn't like it. I'd feel hurt and I would feel like he didn't respect how I feel about it. You have to set boundaries in your relationship, and understand how your partner feels about things like that.

How would you feel if your girlfriend went to a Host Club and was entertained by attractive men with her girlfriends? It depends on the person, but that could very well be bothering her. She could be feeling really insecure, she could be feeling lonely. She could feel like she's not attractive enough for you, and thus she's looking for comfort in another man. Maybe she doesn't feel like you WANT her anymore. And that could be why she's taking to another person who is chasing her and acting like he wants her.

This is just from my personal point of view, and I'm not saying it's right. Everyone's entitled to their opinion and I sincerely hope that things work out for you.

DTMFA

Is watching porn with your spouse make it a 3-way?

At your age, you don't have time for that.

Hell who has time for that at any age!

Sorry, but girls don't lie to their girlfriends about "butterflies in their stomach". We don't lie to our girlfriends because we are mad at you.

If I told my friend that a guy gave me butterflies, it's because he does. I'm really sorry, but I think you gotta go your seperate ways. You don't need the devestation, heart ache or cheating right now. If your going through a nasty divorce, your kids don't need to see a nasty relationship and breakup with your new girlfriend. Get it over with and move on. Sorry.

I have one ex and just hearing his voice will give me butterflies. This will never change, no matter how in love with someone else I am. He's bad news, therefore I would never go back....but chemistry is chemistry and it doesn't change because the relationship is over. In my opinion.